


Lost in Transition

by The_Anomalocaris



Series: Subpar Smash Bros. [1]
Category: Super Smash Brothers
Genre: Action/Adventure, Comedy, Explicit Language, Gen, Humor, Parody, Super Smash Bros. 4 (Nintendo 3DS/Wii U Game)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-14
Updated: 2018-12-14
Packaged: 2019-09-18 08:05:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 92,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16991187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Anomalocaris/pseuds/The_Anomalocaris
Summary: The transition from Super Smash Bros. Brawl to Super Smash Bros. For 3DS/Wii U doesn't quite go as smoothly as everyone hoped... Join our loveable gang of idiots, sociopaths, and quasideity F-Zero racers as they gather their old friends up as well as meet new faces across dimensions, and deal with some old baddies causing trouble for the multiverse!Cross-posted from Fanfiction.net.





	1. The Beginning of the End of the Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author's Note:**  Welcome to this chaotic story. I've been writing it for a few years over on Fanfiction.net, and figured I may as well share it here. I'll be uploading all 22 of its current chapters over the next few minutes, and once they're up-to-date I'll be updating simultaneously from there on forward. Original publication dates will be preserved.
> 
> Originally published 7/14/2015

Ganondorf lazed on the sofa, scratching his ass with one hand while eating with the other. He had no idea what these salty, vaguely cheese-flavored objects he was ingesting were made of, and if he weren't a nigh-immortal warlock he'd probably die from whatever arcane chemicals went into their production. But damn if they didn't taste good.

It would be a bit of time before the fourth official Super Smash Bros. tournament was under way. Master Hand was still setting up, and none of the newcomers had arrived yet- many likely hadn't even received their invitation in the mail yet. Interdimensional postage was notoriously slow, as Master Hand often lamented.

A couple stray veterans were already on site- mostly those with nothing better to do in their home dimension, or in R.O.B.'s case no real home dimension to speak of. The "original eight", consisting of Mario, Link, Donkey Kong, Yoshi, Kirby, Pikachu, Samus, and Fox, were also present, to help greet newcomers and assist Master Hand in preparing the mansio-

No, you know what? The idea of a mansion is overused. Let's call it… the Smash Hotel? Manor? Condominium? …Ah, screw it. It's about to get utterly wrecked anyway.

Besides Ganondorf, Samus was also sitting in the living area of the mansion, cleaning her armor and making sure it was up to her standards. She observed him shoveling food into his mouth.

"You're getting out of shape, you know, sitting around eating junk food and watching TV all day."

Ganondorf mumbled obscenities at her with a full mouth and threw a chip at her, which bounced off her shoulder and landed on the carpet. She resisted the urge to peck at it, and picked up the remote control, switching over to a different channel.

"Hey, I was watching that!"

"You've seen it a hundred times already."

"Yeah, and my favorite part was about to-"

At that moment, and precisely that moment, the earth below them underwent an upheaval, causing the entire building to shake. Link, who was on top of a stepladder helping Master Hand set up a large welcoming banner in the foyer, tried to keep his balance, letting out a sigh of relief as the quaking stopped and he was stable again.

Master Hand swiftly turned around, knocking the stepladder and Link down anyway. "What was that just now?" He floated over to the window and peered out, insofar as a gigantic eyeless gloved hand can peer.

"Huh. Maybe Groudon's pissed that I didn't invite it back as a Pokéball summon."

The sky was suddenly torn asunder as a large shimmering sphere expanded out of nowhere, engulfing a large portion of the horizon.

"Well, that's unusual."

Several more spherical chunks of space were then displaced by new ones forming, whatever they were.

"Link, go investigate."

Link finally pulled himself out from under the stepladder and banner, only for another gloved white hand, this one a lefty, to grab him and begin squeezing him like a stress ball. Crazy Hand cackled, before spiking him onto the ground and flopping all over him.

"Okay, uh… Fox, go investigate!"

Fox, who was standing nearby eating peanut butter, nodded. "I'll do my best. Andross won't have his way with me!"

"Andross isn't here. The Assist Trophy of him is just a digital recreation."

"I'm on my way!"

Fox ran outside, hopped into his Arwing, and flew into the largest sphere, disappearing into it.

"Maybe I shouldn't have sent him alone…"

Kirby walked up to Master Hand, ignoring the convulsing Crazy (Whom Link had managed to crawl away from, not that Crazy Hand noticed), and looked at the spheres pocking the landscape and sky. "You know, those look an awful lot like those Subspace ball thingies from last time. Except not all shadowy," the puffball said.

Master Hand rubbed his nonexistent chin thoughtfully. "You know, you're right. Perhaps they  _are_  dimensional anomalies."

At that moment, the world shook again, and more holes began to open up even closer to the mansion. Master Hand gasped, grabbed Kirby and Link, and flew into the living area where the other Smash Bros. were busy panicking.

"Everyone! I don't know what's happening out there, but we must evacuate immediately!"

Samus sighed. "Yeah, yeah, timed escape sequence. What's happening, anyway? Planet going to explode? Evil dimensional rifts being torn open in space-time?"

R.O.B. slid into the doorway from an adjacent hallway. "Affirmative. Numerous distortions detected in the surrounding-"

At that moment a relatively small sphere expanded within the mansion itself, taking out the rooms behind R.O.B. as well as severing the back half of R.O.B.'s body, causing it to sputter and fall apart, dead. Smoke emanated from the deceased robot's head wound.

Master Hand gasped again in horror. "Oh, no! My office was there!"

Another rift opened, this one engulfing the television as well as the sofa Ganondorf was laying on.

"Hey, Ganondork got eaten." Pikachu idly commented, more interested in cleaning under his nails than whatever was going on.

The earth shook one last time before most of the rifts shrunk away, leaving empty holes where they once were. Much of the mansion promptly collapsed, with nothing but air supporting several upper floor areas. The large hole that Fox had disappeared into remained, now visible from the ruined building.

Master Hand was silent for a moment, before shrugging. "Well, I needed to remodel the house anyway. Might as well build it anew. Anyway, it looks like we have a mystery on our hand, gang!"

"Hand _s_ ," Samus corrected.

"For  _you_ , maybe. Anyway, somebody or some _thing_ is meddling with… the fabric of  _dimension itself_."

A suspense chord followed his statement.

"Don't you mean 'fabric of space'?"

"No, see, space is all the area in a single dimension. If time and space are the x- and y-axis of reality, these are holes being torn along the metaphorical z-axis… I think."

"You don't sound very confident," Pikachu remarked.

"You don't sound very  **shut up**. I want you seven- Mario, Donkey Kong, Link, Kirby, Pikachu, and Samus. Oh, and Yoshi- to go into that big hole outside and tell me what's on the other side. Fox already went in."

Donkey Kong stood up and adjusted his tie. "Very well. Our assectation of our vulpine compatriot was all but ensured by your rash decision to send him off on his own," he lightly sighed, putting his newspaper down and slipping his reading spectacles back into some unseen pocket on his person. "Let us be off. Ideally, this venture will remain brief yet fruitful."

Yoshi cheerfully stood up. "Hooray! We get to go on a fun fruit-full adventure!"

"Yay, 'adventure', whatever. Hopefully you go in alone and it's a hole into outer space where there's no fruit. Oh, and also you die," Pikachu dismissed Yoshi's optimism, before addressing Master Hand. "Anyway, I'm too important for this. I have a multi-billion dollar franchise to be the mascot of. I'm not wandering into holes to Arceus-knows where I'll be torn apart or have my cute visage permanently disfigured."

"You don't have much of a choice in the matter."

"Oh, and why is that?"

If Master Hand could grin, he would have, before gesturing at the wrecked pile of mansion with his thumb. "Because all your rooms and beds just got destroyed, beeyotch! And I'm not rebuilding them unless you do as I say!"

Kirby looked up thoughtfully at the ruined second floor. "Actually, my room still looks intact."

Master Hand shot a finger missile at his room, destroying it.

* * *

The seven gathered Nintendo mascots stood at the edge of the large rift.

"Okey-dokey… I suppose I'll lead?" Mario asked.

"No objections," Samus commented.

"You will not hear any complaint from me, my erstwhile rival. Your leadership and intuition are often propitious to our success," Donkey Kong added.

"Meh, whatever Dong just said," Pikachu added.

"Yep! Go ahead, Mario!" Yoshi smiled.

Link nodded silently.

"You're pretty much always the leader, so yeah, lead on." Kirby said.

Mario stepped through the spherical portal, disappearing to another realm. The others, save for Pikachu, followed behind him. Pikachu smirked once everyone else was gone, and began walking back to the mansion, only for Master Hand to rocket out and flick him through with his middle finger.

"Self-centered bastard."

The giant hand floated back to the Swiss-cheesed remains of the mansion, and was greeted by Mr. Game and Watch clutching his back.

"Can't you kids keep it down? I'm trying to sleep up there! And all that shaking made me fall out of my bed and now my back aches! And then what do I see, but my south wall is gone, almost giving me a heart attack! Though the view was quite pretty. You there, hand! I have some complaints about how you run this ship of yours! So sit down and get comfortable, whippersnapper!"

Master Hand sighed, before "sitting" down on a chair. It was far better to let him ramble on for an hour about something asinine and pretend to listen than to endure two hours of him rambling about being ignored.

* * *

Ganondorf furiously clicked the power button on his remote control, trying to get the TV's display to light back up.

"No. NO! What in the Goddesses' names is going on?!"

He rolled off the couch and began pouring over the television set, trying to figure out the problem. He was no electrician, and had no idea how to troubleshoot modern technology; however, even he eventually concluded that the cable running from the back of the set, severed from its interdimensional journey, was the culprit. Of course, even if it were plugged in it wouldn't have any reception, not that he knew that.

"Damn you!"

He threw the remote through the screen, smashing it. For good measure he pulled his Sage's Sword out and rammed it through the television before kicking it over and stomping on it. Calmed, he sheathed his sword and looked around from the small circular section of mansion floor that got ported over with him.

"Hmmph. …Shit, where am I?"

Ganondorf looked around at his new surroundings, sneering at the disgustingly saccharine woolly world he had found himself in.


	2. Leg of Land

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author's Note:**   Originally published 7/15/2015

Robin yawned, before resuming his rowing duties. They had been at sea for well over a day now, and had no chance to sleep. Lucina was still full of energy, probably from drinking half of the soup they had as rations, but Robin just wanted to lie down and doze off.

A few days ago, a big bubble of a rift had opened up outside Ylisstol. Robin and Lucina had received their invitations to this Smash Brothers tournament (whatever that was) a few weeks ago and were instructed that when the time came, a portal would open up to take them to the tournament. They had assumed this rift was what they were waiting for, and stepped through it only to be dumped from thin air into an endless ocean several stories below.

After that, the next thing Robin remembered was coughing up water and sand on a beach, and some horrifically disproportioned kid with a giant snot bubble hanging from his nostril poking him and Lucina with a stick.

The rest of the villagers on the island were all similarly proportioned, with freakishly large heads and stubby limbs, but neither Robin nor Lucina dared to comment on it. They were nice enough, however, and provided them with a tiny old sailboat (More like a rowboat with a mast and old cloth attached) and a bottle of "Elixir Soup", whatever that was. They were told to sail northeast to a place called Windfall Island, where a similar rift had reportedly opened up, but they rather quickly got lost and Robin wound up destroying their sail with an ill-aimed Elfire while trying to fend off a hideous flying fish monster. Now they were rowing by hand to try and reach whatever the nearest landmass was.

"I definitely think we overshot it, Robin."

Robin snapped back awake, having fallen asleep in a sitting position.

"Huh?"

"I said, I think we overshot Windfall."

"Oh. Oh! Uh… They said if we saw a star-shaped island, we've gone too far north."

"I haven't seen  _any_  islands since the monster attack."

"Well, I'm sure we'll reach somewhere soon. At least then we can stop for a whi-"

Robin was cut off when something rammed the back of the boat, knocking him forward into the remains of the mast.

"Gods, not more of these…" Lucina groaned as about four purple shark fins circled around their boat. She promptly drew her sword and began spearing them as they closed in. As they were at sea, Robin couldn't use his Levin Sword or Thunder tome without dire consequence for all parties involved, and settled for jabbing at them with an oar.

One of the surrounding Gyorgs attempted to lunge at Lucina's arm, but was promptly impaled through the skull. The good thing about dealing with schools of these sharks was that the moment one died all the others dogpiled it in a cannibalistic frenzy, giving the two swordfighters a chance to catch their breath.

Unfortunately, Robin and Lucina weren't the only foreign creatures to wind up in the Great Sea this past week.

Deep below the surface, a massive predator slowly swam along, scouring up and down for food in the unfamiliar sea. A pair of stray Gyorgs swam close to investigate, having never seen this kind of thing before. Was it edible? Would it try to eat  _them_? Was it even a fish? How fast could it swim if they made a move on it first? One of the Gyorgs immediately paid the price for its curiosity when the mystery creature opened its massive maw and lunged forward, swallowing the ten-foot-long shark whole. The second Gyorg immediately turned tail, but was bitten in half and sucked down to meet its comrade within the foul bowels of its assailant.

Having finished its meal, the beast swam further along and noticed the boat up on the surface of the water, and the conflict going on around it. The monster slowly rose up toward the surface, its belly still rumbling in hunger.

* * *

Mario wasn't quite sure what to expect upon stepping through the rift that Master Hand had ushered him into, but it was remarkably beautiful. A large grassy expanse lay before him, with flowing streams, high cliffs, and a variety of interesting animals roaming around the plains. Five of his fellow comrades joined him in short order.

"Where's-a Pikachu?"

His question was answered when the electric rodent came rocketing out of the portal, hitting Samus in the back.

"Ow, dick!"

As if it were just waiting for them to use it, the rift shrunk away like the others, leaving a crater in the soil. Pikachu scrambled onto his feet and began futilely digging at the exposed dirt.

"No, no! Now we're stranded in this place! Arceusdamnit, Master Hand! A plague upon both you and your idiot brother!"

Donkey Kong spoke up. "Oh, dispense with the graviloquent gabble. Master Hand, who you so choose to condemn, can easily tear open tunnels between dimensions himself. He will come for us if he feels we are truly lost."

Samus's transmission channel crackled to life. "Tell Donkey Kong that he's right as usual."

"Oh, hey Hand."

"Don't call me 'Hand'. Anyway, what world are you in?"

"It's a big open plain, slightly sloped, and somewhat savannah-like."

"I see."

Samus could hear the ruffling of notes from Master Hand's end of the communication channel, along with background noise that sounded like Mr. Game & Watch beeping angrily about people not cleaning up their dead robots.

"Is there a big oafish baboon monster patrolling around?"

Samus looked over at Pikachu, who was now standing near and pointing at the aforementioned big oafish baboon monster.

"Hey, Dong! This a friend of yours? Or maybe your sister?" He grinned, only for the big oafish baboon monster to stomp on Pikachu, burying him until just his tail and ears remained exposed. Donkey Kong simply shook his head.

"Yes." Samus stated.

"Good. You're in Gaur Plain, on the Bionis' Leg. That portal took you to the Xenoblade universe. That's Territorial Rotbart, by the way. Don't bother it."

"So now we know where our mystery hole leads to. Or, well, led to. Once we find Fox we can come home, right?"

"Sure, sure. Oh, but one of our new fighters is from that world, so if you see him drag him back with you. Name's Shulk, has messy blonde hair and a British accent."

"Got it."

Samus hung up, and relayed this information to her comrades while Yoshi uprooted Pikachu.

"Okey-dokey. It may be easier if we split up into-a groups. Link, Samus, and Pikachu, you three stay-a here in the plains. Donkey Kong, Kirby, Yoshi, and I will go climb-a those cliffs." Mario decided, pointing at the large rib-like overhangs.

The team broke, and went their separate ways.

* * *

Link and Pikachu were exploring the west end of Gaur Plain, in absolute silence. Pikachu because he was still bitter about the Rotbart incident, Link because he is Link. After finding a whole lot of nothing, Pikachu finally broke the silence.

"Where the hell did Spamus go?"

Link gestured toward the east side of the plains, where several tall figures were standing around a pond, occasionally pecking at the sand.

"Bird lady ditches us for some birds. What a surprise."

* * *

Samus always liked hanging around birds, especially large ones. They reminded her of her childhood with the Chozo, and those old days of eating regurgitated worms and walking whilst bobbing one's head. These animals resembled the flamingos of Earth, but were ridiculously tall and could probably kick your ass if you made fun of its plumage. She stood around preening her nonexistent feathers, forgetting all about the mission.

The sun had set, and they still weren't any closer to finding Fox.

* * *

Mario's team wasn't having much luck with the search either, having made it to the upper cliffs without catching a single glimpse of an Arwing anywhere in the alien sky. A large eagle-like creature had tried to fly off with Kirby, but he inhaled and swallowed it for the Wing ability, making the climb easier.

Donkey Kong adjusted his glasses, looking off into the distance. "Perhaps we are going about this in an incorrect manner, Mario. McCloud is certain to return to the site of the portal, is he not? It may be a simple matter of patience."

"That's a good point."

"Mmm, these are good!" Yoshi was busy eating wild gooseberries he had found growing on the summit, overjoyed that his promised fruit-full adventure was happening.

Mario tasted one, and promptly spat the bitter berry out. "How can you like-a that?"

Kirby piped up and pointed to the sky, his mouth also stuffed with gooseberries among other things. "There he is! And he's got a new paint job!"

Mario looked up at the ominous black ship cutting through the sky. Even against the night, it was clearly visible. "That's-a not Fox."

He turned to his allies, only to find that Donkey Kong was already clambering down the side of the cliff and Kirby was flying directly toward the newcomer. Mario shrugged, hopped onto Yoshi's back, and rode him down to the landing site.

* * *

Link and Pikachu approached the black ship cautiously.

"There he is. Did he get a new paint job?"

Link made a confused face, and backed away. Suddenly, the machine sprang to life, unfolding and unfurling parts of itself into a pair of legs and a pair of arms, standing up straight and revealing its vaguely human form. Each of its arms ended in fingers made of blades that looked like they could cut through diamond, and underneath its massive back cannon was a now-visible face with a permanent grimace. At this point the others had arrived, along a flock of Flamii following Samus. All was silent as the robot looked across the assembled Smash Bros., and the Smash Bros. stared back at it.

Finally, a rough voice echoed from the mechanical beast. "I don't know what you lot think yer doing here, but this is  _my_  turf!"

It raised its arm, the moonlight shimmering off its claws as it prepared to strike.

* * *

Robin kept smacking the last Gyorg over the head with an Elwind tome, the cartilaginous fish having bitten the oar apart a minute ago.

"Why. Won't. You. Just. Leave us alone!"

The Gyorg, thoroughly annoyed, stopped trying to bite Robin's hand off and began ramming the boat itself, trying to knock him overboard. Lucina finally finished the third one off at the bow, and turned around to stab the last one through the head while it was distracted.

"Thanks."

"That's all of them, then? Now we can finally make some progress, hopefully."

She sat back down and began rowing again, hoping to reach the small island that they had drifted toward during their battle. Robin tossed aside the broken oar, picked up the one good one he had left, and was about to sit down and join her when something caught his eye.

Something small and round was floating on the surface of the water, far away behind the boat. He had no idea what it was, but it stood out like a sore thumb. It wasn't just an anachronism to Robin; it was an article of clothing unheard of in the era of the Great Sea, too.

To anyone from a more recent time, it would look an awful lot like a biker helmet.

Robin leaned over the back of the boat to get a closer look. Even from there, he could make out what appeared to be a 'W' adorning the top of the object; perhaps it was some kind of mark branded upon the creature, or a scar from a long-ago battle?

"Robin, what are you doing? Are you really going to make me row all by myself?"

"Hold on… do you know what  _that_  is?"

The helmet began to move toward the boat. Robin felt a frigid breeze blow across his body and a feeling of dread anticipation form in his heart. There was just something unspeakably  _horrifying_  about this newcomer, something that sent a chill to his very soul. Compared to this, the school of Gyorgs were little more than goldfish nipping at his finger.

Lucina stood nearby, her sword ready but otherwise looking unimpressed and amused. "Do you think we'll need a bigger boat?"

A sudden splash signified that they were about to meet their pursuer.

"WAH!"

The helmet burst up from the water, and in a moment that felt like time itself had frozen, Robin saw the visage of the creature. A pair of pointed ears adorned the side of its head, and a bulbous purple nose-like growth sat center in its face, with zig-zagging black tendrils of hair jutting out from beneath it. However, the most prominent- and horrifying –feature was its mouth.  _Oh, gods, its mouth._  Unendingly wide and filled with massive, square teeth that only partially obscured an endless void of a gullet. The seawater washing down it like a drain only served to highlight the size of its maw.

Robin was frozen for a moment, staring down into the literal abyss, before being yanked back by Lucina as the creature closed its jaws down upon the entire back half of the boat. It ripped it off and swallowed it before diving back underwater- it had missed Robin's leg by about a centimeter.

"What the  **FUCK**  was that thing?!" Lucina yelped, before wincing at her own obscenity. She sat down and frantically rowed despite the destroyed condition of the boat, hoping to put as much distance between herself and it as possible. Robin, whose face was still pale from his brush with death, calmly wrapped himself around the mast as the wave from the beast's resubmersion carried the vessel to shore.

She had no idea whether it would pursue them onto land or not, but to be safe she jumped off the wreckage and sprinted up to higher ground as fast as her legs could take her. Confident she was no longer in danger, she wrung out her cape and brushed her hair away from her face. "Even in the future, we never encountered any creatures like that. ...Are you okay, Robin?"

Robin simply let out a light whimper in response, still clinging to the mast of the beached ship for dear life. He had no idea how he knew this, but that encounter was somehow symbolic of the end; his life was all downhill from here.


	3. Face to Face with Metal Face!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author's Note:**  There's some minor Xenoblade Chronicles spoilers in this chapter, so if you care about that you may want to come back after playing the game. I kept things fairly vague, however, so unless you consider "one of the bad guys dies, and some things that exist in Smash Bros. really shouldn't exist anymore" to be an experience-ruining revelation there should be no problem.
> 
> I should mention, however, that I intend to drop a pretty big spoiler from the same game much later in the story, but nothing that isn't already spoiled by Smash Bros.' own Trophy Gallery.
> 
> Originally published 7/17/2015

Link swiftly leapt to the side, the mechanical creature's claws just scantly missing his body. He pulled out the Master Sword and struck at the base of the claws, only for the holy weapon to harmlessly bounce off.

"I told you already, none of that's gonna work!"

He stuck his foot forward, striking Link and sending him flying backward, before swiftly backhanding Kirby down out of the sky and knocking the Wing power out of him.

That's about as well as the fight was going; absolutely nothing they threw at it seemed to inflict any lasting damage. The closest they got was Samus's Super Missile leaving a scuff mark on its face, but it casually brushed the soot off and complained about needing a good polish after the fight.

"So… he has the British accent, but I don't see the blonde hair. Do you think this guy is really Shulk?" Pikachu asked.

"For the tenth time, no!" Samus yelled in frustration while jumping over a low claw strike.

"I told ya, already! I'm not Shulky-boy!"

"I don't believe you."

The metal-faced mech, indignant at being called Shulk for the tenth time, roared and attempted to stab downward at Pikachu. Pikachu used Quick Attack to dodge the strike, and then climbed onto its arm when its claws became stuck.

"Actually I do believe you. I was just goading you into making a mistake."

Pikachu proceeded to let loose a massive discharge of electricity into the machine, which let out a yelp of pain before swatting him off with its other arm. Pikachu rolled on impact with the ground, recovering into a standing position.

"See? I did the thing to damage the guy. Maybe you six should consider actually hurting him some time this century instead of not being awesome like me?"

"Nobody else has-a any electrical attacks!" Mario tossed a pair of fireballs at its back, but they only had minimal effect.

"Then you all suck."

"Actually, it ain't damaging me much anyways, so don't feel bad. Just stings like a prick. Speaking of pricks, I got a little present for you, rat!"

"Well, shit." Pikachu quickly jumped out of the way as the machine fired its massive back cannon, vaporizing a chunk of the earth as well as a stray Volff that had wandered too close to the battle. As the smoke cleared, Samus fired her own Charge Shot at it, knocking it back a little but otherwise having little lasting effect. The flock of Flamii she had recruited flew forward and unleashed a barrage of pecks upon it, but a broad slash of its claw rendered them all into confetti.

"NO! Pink Foot! Long Feathers! Chad! Why does everyone close to me always die!?" Samus screamed in anguish.

"Why are you even doing this?! What did we ever do to-a you?" Mario scowled.

"You really wanna know? It's because you're the Smash Bros."

There was silence.

"That's right, I know who you blokes are. And if there's one thing I  _hate_ , it's the Smash Bros. Well, actually, I hate a lotta stuff. But I promise, you're up near the top. Above Shulky-boy, but below  _Dunban_ ," he spat.

With that, the battle resumed, and once again our heroes found themselves unable to put a dent into their foe.

"We need to reconsider our strategy here, gentlemen and madam! This infernal device's propugnations are proving too potent for our percutient punches to penetrate!"

"Seriously, Kong? Alliteration now?" Samus glared, still furious over the death of her new family.

"My apologies. I could not resist."

"I haven't the foggiest what the big monkey just said, but it sounded like praise to my ears! Even if half the words were made up. I should tell you up front that regrouping ain't gonna save you, though; you really can't hurt me, so just stand still and I promise I'll make your deaths quick and slightly less painful!"

Link responded to this offer by shooting an arrow into its mouth hinge. It simply sighed and yanked it out.

Donkey Kong spoke up. "I'm certainly not conceding defeat now. Through proper application of logic and battlefield tactics, any obstacle can be overcome; even one as impenetrable as yourself." He wound up a Giant Punch. "Furthermore, you besmirched the English language in front of a doctor of linguistics. I cannot allow that transgression to go unabated!"

"Oh, is that right? And what're ya gonna do about it?"

Yoshi, who had been futilely trying to eat the mech's foot the entire time, finally reeled his tongue back in when something above him caught his eye. "Hey, who's that?"

The leaping figure above cast a silhouette against the moon, partially illuminated by the glowing blue beam of light it was swinging toward their unstoppable adversary.

Donkey Kong paused, before addressing the machine. "I might not be able to do anything, but perhaps he can."

"BACKSLASH!"

The blue beam of light cleaved through part of the mech's back, cutting a deep gash.

"OW! WHY YOU LITTLE-?!"

Pikachu looked at the blonde man now standing before them. "So… is  _that_  Shulk?"

Surprisingly, it was the mech that answered his question. "Shulk! I should have known you'd come and ruin my fun!"

"You shouldn't even be alive, Metal Face."

The machine, now dubbed Metal Face, coyishly rested his chin in his palm, tapping his fingers against his temple. "That's true, ain't it? Oh, and you shouldn't have that Monado anymore either, and this big ol' field shouldn't look like this anymore. Yet here we are, there that is, and here  _I_  am." He ended his statement by scraping his claws down the side of his face, making an awful sound.

Pikachu pulled his ears down over his head. "Oh, Arceus, it's like listening to Registeel's mix tape all over again!"

Shulk waved the Monado, casting a purple light and empowering the Smash Bros. with a matching colored aura.

"I've powered you guys up to be able to hurt Mechon! Now you can fight back!"

Kirby immediately tested this by kicking Metal Face in the foot, nearly tripping the goliath.

"What the-?! Cut that out, you little puffball!"

Donkey Kong blinked. "Preposterous. One wave of that… Monado, he called it, and all of a sudden the hulking metal tank is vulnerable to direct attack?"

"Hey, there's stranger things, Dong. Like why the hell does smoke come off your head when you've got a Giant Punch charged up?"

"Good question. And I appreciate the reminder that I still have to deliver my present to this ruffian."

Shulk speared the Monado into Metal Face's leg, jamming up his movement. Metal Face hopped up onto his other foot, and began shaking the stabbed leg until Shulk was dislodged.

"Monado or not, it's gonna take more than that to put me down!"

He struck downward at Shulk, only for Link to rush in and parry the blow, allowing Shulk to leap back up unharmed.

"Thank you!"

Link was silent.

"Uh… Did I say something wrong?"

Link was silent.

Samus interjected while aiming her arm cannon. "Don't mind him, he's more of an 'action, not words' kind of guy."

Link was silent.

A Super Missile from Samus knocked Metal Face off-balance, allowing Mario to run in and strike his other leg with a sliding kick, knocking him down onto the closest thing he has to a rear end. Yoshi followed up by tossing a pair of eggs at Metal Face's metal face.

"What the-?! Exploding eggs?! Why're eggs exploding?!"

"Another good question."

Metal Face brushed the eggshell and smoke away just in time to see Donkey Kong's fist flying right at his face.

WHAM

Metal Face fell down on his back, landing on the cliff with enough force to break through it and fall down the valley.

"And that's the last we ever saw of him." Kirby declared.

The whirring of Metal Face's engines immediately disproved him, as the machine hovered back up to their level. He promptly pointed his main cannon right at the assembled group of heroes.

"We've played for long enough now, but it's time for us to part ways, innit?!"

"Everyone, fall-a back!"

"Too late for that!"

Right as he was about to unleash his glowy ray of death, a rapid stream of laser fire bombarded him from the sky.

"Who's that now?!"

Fox's Arwing flew down from above, continuing its fire as it coursed right toward the side of Metal Face's cannon.

"We're going to break through that fleet!" Fox said to no one in particular.

Samus raised an eyebrow. "Is he about to-"

At the last second Fox ejected, and the Arwing crashed violently into its target. Even without Monado Enchant powering it up, it badly damaged his face and shorted out his cannon. Fox landed safely on the cliff.

"GRAAAH! WHY WON'T YOU PEOPLE JUST LET ME KILL YOU?!"

Fed up and out of options, Metal Face folded up and rocketed away into the night sky just as the sun began to rise on the horizon.

"Were we really fighting for a whole night, or are they just shorter here?" Kirby wondered.

Once Metal Face disappeared, Shulk turned to his new allies and smiled.

"So you're the Smash Bros., right? I'm a huge fan!"

Samus began to speak. "Yes, we are, and I have good news for you abou-"

Pikachu Skull Bashed her away, taking center stage in front of Shulk. "Yep, Shulk buddy, we're the Smash Bros., and you can join us if you swear eternal fealty to me."

* * *

Once he was sure he was out of sight and earshot, Metal Face opened up a transmission channel.

"They got Monado Boy to join their little party. I'm packing up and leaving."

"That's a pity, isn't it? Taking those eight out then and there would have struck a huge blow to the enemy forces' morale. Oh, well, I'm sure we can find  _something_  to do with you now that they have your one weakness."

"Yannow I don't like talk like that. I ain't weak, least of all to them and Shulk. They just cheated."

"Hmmhmmhmm. Perhaps our R&D can whip up something nice for you to cheat right back with. Would you like that, my darling little servant?"

"I ain't your servant, either, but of course I'm always up for new toys! Gonna need some repairs and a paint job, too."

"Anything to keep my top enforcers in fighting shape."

"See, now that's a hell of a lot better. 'Top enforcer' carries a bit more dignity than 'servant', don't ya think?"

Metal Face disappeared into a rift, returning to base.

* * *

"I can't believe Pikachu was gracious enough to invite me in!"

"I'm telling you, you were already a member. He's just being an ass." Kirby commented.

"But he's the adorable mascot of the Pokémon franchise!"

"Look, buddy, I can tell you're new here. Master Hand said your universe only aligned with the greater Nintendo multiverse recently. A lot of us are really not quite the same as you know us once we're… off-camera."

"Oh? Well, it's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Kirby! Is it true that you can eat anything?"

"Well, yeah, but I have a much more discerning palette than you think. Plus, I'm more about cooking foods than just eating them. It's far more fun when you've made it yourself!"

"Oh, I have a friend you'd get along great with! She's a great cook. And you must be the man himself, Super Mario! I've heard all about your countless adventures!"

"Yep. 'Countless' certainly is apt, I must-a say…" Mario agreed, wearily. "First and foremost I am a plumber."

"And you're Fox."

"Hold on! We're entering Venom airspace!"

"What does that mean? Uh… Oh, Yoshi!"

"Hi! I'm glad to have made a new friend!" Yoshi's smile was bright enough to kill mosquitos at an outdoor party.

Samus interjected. "Just so you know, he's always that upbeat and cheerful, and it starts to get grating after a while. And I'm Samus Aran, pleased to make your acquaintance."

"Cool! And you're Link, right?"

Link was silent.

"O-okay, then! And that just leaves you, Donkey Kong! I'd recognize you anywhere! Big, strong, and always after bananas!"

"That's  _Dr._  Donkey Kong to you, stranger. Everything you said is accurate, however." As if to emphasize his point, he pulled a banana out of wherever he also keeps his glasses case and devoured it.

"It's so great to meet you guys, and be part of the team!"

"Yeah, just try not to drip naiveté sauce all over us, don't expect every other Smasher to be exactly how you know them, and don't add unnecessary 'u's to words like 'color' or pronounce 'schedule' 'shedule'." Pikachu listed.

"Wait, what was that last point about?"

Donkey Kong scoffed. "Please, Pikachu. Those are the correct spellings and pronunciations in Britain and many of its Commonwealth states. They are just as acceptable, if not moreso! Did you forget that I have a Ph.D. in linguistics?"

"Guys, what's a 'Britain'?"

"Gee, how could I forget, Dong? Anyway, we're not  _in_  Britain or one of its Commonwealths, are we?"

"Guys?"

Link was silent.

* * *

Master Hand finally finished rebuilding a new office to replace the one that got ported away. Thankfully many of his important documents were in his briefcase elsewhere when that happened, so he didn't have to replace them or worry about them falling into the wrong hands. He settled down over his giant chair and held up a pair of lorgnettes to read with.

"Ahh. At last, a place to work in peace."

"HOOHOOHAHAHA!"

Crazy Hand rocketed in, knocking down the west wall. Master Hand simply sighed, knowing that the new office wouldn't last long. "What do you want, Crazy?"

"MY NACHOS!"

"They're where they always are, in the kitchen. Go bother R.O.B. to prepare them or something. Ah, wait…"

Master Hand scooped up R.O.B.'s broken remains, flew down to the Assist Trophies' side-area of the mansion, and threw them into Jeff's room.

"You. Uh, nerd guy from Ness's game. Fix him, would you?"

Jeff sputtered. "Wha? What happened to him?! I don't have the necessary parts to fix this!"

"Thanks, knew I could count on you!" Master Hand shut and locked the door, and then returned to his office to find that Crazy Hand had left, knocking down the east wall as well in the process. He tried his best not to let it ruin his good mood. "Ahh,  _now_  I can work in peace."

The sound of something tumbling down the stairs accompanied with indignant beeping instantly destroyed Master Hand's good mood. Sure enough, a few seconds later Mr. Game & Watch walked in through the ruined west wall, nacho cheese and hot sauce dripping down his side.

"Confound that brother of yours! You and I are going to have a little chat about reeling him in, dagnabbit!"

"Not. Now."

Game & Watch glared

Master Hand glared back.

The flat man backed down. "Fine. But I'm saving it up and giving you a double-rant next time!" He stormed out.

"At least he's self-aware." Master Hand rifled through a stack of documents he retrieved from his briefcase. "Hmm… Mii Fighters design document… a stack of Chrom and Ridley's pleading letters that I haven't tossed into the fireplace yet… ah. What's this now?"

He pulled out a file marked "TOP SECRET".

"Ah, right. The Discreet Latent Combatant initiative. I may have to make a few calls soon."

Crazy Hand flew back into the office. Master Hand winced for the safety of his remaining two walls, but this time he thankfully came in through the east hole he already made. Unsurprisingly, he was toting a large tray of loaded nachos.

"WANT SOME?"

"Sure, why no- …Did you put peanut butter and diced cantaloupe on these? With the cantaloupe still in its rind, no less?

Crazy Hand simply cackled in response, which told him all he needed to know. The lefty then devoured the entire tray of nachos and flew out the north wall. Master Hand turned to the south wall solemnly, sighed, and knocked it down himself.


	4. Jumping to Conclusions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author's Note:** In addition to the main plot we're also advancing one of the subplots more today, kiddos. Hint: It's the one that doesn't involve Ganondorf.
> 
> I will address Ganondorf in Woolly World in later chapters, as well as start a few more sideplots. As soon as Robin being tormented by Wario stops being so much fun to write.
> 
> Originally published 7/26/2015

Lucina repeatedly struck the small rock against Falchion, hoping to get a spark for a fire; it's not like Falchion could break, and while she normally held the deepest respect for the sword it was a desperate situation. This had been going on for nearly half an hour with no success. Finally, a spark from the rock landed on the hacked-up pile of boat before her, and ignited the former vessel.

"Ah…"

Robin woke up a few minutes later, and walked over to the small camp Lucina had made.

"It's still out there, circling the island. I know it is."

"Good evening, Robin. You slept for a while, huh? …Drink the other half of this bottle of soup, you haven't eaten at all since Outset."

"How can I eat? I have seen into the abyss, and it stared back into me. Food and drink no longer hold meaning."

"Just drink your damned soup."

"Thank you."

Now re-energized by the delicious Elixir Soup (Seriously, just what does Link's grandma put in that stuff?), Robin joined Lucina in sitting near the fire.

"I walked the perimeter of the island earlier. Guess what island this is, Robin?"

"Windfall?"

"I'm afraid not. It's the star-shaped one."

"Then we're not even on the right island. …How did you start a fire, by the way?"

"Patience, persistence, and hitting small rocks against my sword."

"Uh… You do know that I have an Arcfire tome, right?"

Lucina smashed her face against the ground and groaned.

"Well, uh… at least we didn't waste a use of it? Anyway, did you find anything of use around the island?"

"I found sand, rocks, grass, and a tree. And this frustrating blue slime beast that electrocuted me when I tried to stab it. So nothing of use."

"Hmm. …I cannot see any way to proceed here, then."

"So, what? Do we just set up a hut here and catch fish for the rest of our lives? Because other than the sharks and that flying creature, I did not see any fish during our travel."

Robin stood up. "Haha, I'm sure I can think of something if you give me some ti-"

A massive explosion rocked the world, shaking the ground and causing Robin to fall forward into the campfire. Lucina turned and looked out into the ocean, where a massive, discolored mushroom cloud was rising up out of the water. A putrid odor unlike anything she had ever smelled in her life filled her nostrils, making her gag and her eyes water. Robin frantically smacked his burning cloak against the ground hoping to extinguish it, only for the foul gas to ignite and make it even worse.

"Robin, LOOK!"

He had already run to the beach and dipped his cloak in the sea, but upon hearing Lucina's shout he too looked out and saw what had caught her eye.

With the explosion naturally came a large tidal wave, but it was what was riding within the wave that filled both their hearts with dread.

IT was coming right for them, its mouth gaping wide.

* * *

Samus tapped a spot on her helmet, opening a communication channel. "So, we've got Fox AND Shulk. Bring us home, Master Hand."

"Ah, excellent! But, uh, the mansion is still in shambles. I don't know where you expect to stay."

"Just bring us home, it's better than being in a land of death." She glanced at the pink feathers adorning the ground.

"I guess I could, buuuuuut…"

"Don't you dare." Samus began to clench her fist.

"Surely there's another rift nearby? Maybe you could hop to a couple more dimensions, pick up some more of our veterans, and figure out what the heck is going on here?"

"No. We did what you asked, so-"

"Well,  _now_  I'm asking this."

"Because you're too lazy to get off  _your_  ass to do it yourself?"

"I don't have an ass, so ha!"

With that Master Hand hung up, leaving Samus fuming. She grabbed Shulk by the shirt collar, pulling him close and glaring at the terrified lad. "You. Shulk. Did you see any big wavy-looking spheres eating up the landscape on the way here?"

"Uh, yeah. That one right over there." He gestured behind himself at a small rift over by Raguel Lake.

"…Oh."

Mario sighed. "Well, let's-a go…"

The team of nine marched to the rift, and disappeared within it.

* * *

"My, another strange swordsman here? Are you perhaps friends with the handsome young man and woman who washed up on our beach just a few days ago?" Link's Grandma squinted, trying to get a clear view of the man who stood before her.

The new swordsman spoke in a deep voice. "That would depend. Did they give you their names? Did they look like they… weren't from around here?"

"Oh, heavens. They were tall, and with such small heads. Oh, but listen to me say such awful things about such a nice couple. I think they told me their names were… Lucy and Robert?"

"Close enough. Tell me, where are they now?"

"Ah… We set them sailing to the north to reach Windfall Island, but if they got into trouble they probably wound up on Star Island…"

The swordsman looked out at the turbulent sea and large Seahats in the distance. "I'll check Star Island first. Finally, a chance to show off my power to some new blood!" He unfurled his cape into a pair of bat-like wings, and flew off into the distance.

Link's Grandma smiled before walking back into her house. "What a nice Keese."

* * *

Robin ran as fast as he could, his shoes kicking up sand as he sprinted across the beach.

"No, no, NO! Get away from me!"

The creature had revealed itself to be a vaguely human-ish man, squat and obese, and perfectly capable of walking on land. He was currently running after Robin, his legs moving in a jerky and unnatural way.

Lucina was fishing through Robin's belongings looking for a tome of any sort to support him with, and pulled out an Elwind tome.

"I'm not familiar with how to use these tomes, but… Elwind!"

Nothing happened.

"Uh… Elwind!"

Frustrated, she opted to simply throw the book at the man. With lightning-fast reflexes he tilted his head, opened his mouth, and swallowed the tome, leaving Lucina stunned.

"Uh… I don't know what else to do, Robin."

"Well, that's just… fine. It's not like I'm on my fifth lap… around the island, or anything…" he replied, panting.

"Should I try to get close and stab him?!"

"Just throw  _me_  a book!"

"Oh, right. Will Arcfire do? Or would you prefer Nosfera-"

"WAH!"

The monster's teeth missing Robin's heels by inches prompted Lucina to just pick up the first tome she found and toss it to Robin. He caught it, and swiftly pivoted around to smite his pursuer.

"Arcfire!"

The flame travelled from Robin's hand toward the man, only for him to open wide again and swallow the fire itself.

Robin gaped. "Did he just-?! That's impossible!"

Lucina's reaction to the sheer limitlessness of his gullet was to begin climbing the lone tree for her own safety. "Robin, get up here!"

Robin recovered from the shock of his flames being devoured, and turned to run to the center of the island, only to trip over an ill-placed root. His pursuer leapt forward upon him.

"Gods damn it." He looked up in time to see the beast's throat as his mouth closed around him, and swallowed him whole.

* * *

Mario, Donkey Kong, Fox, Samus, Yoshi, Pikachu, Kirby, Link, and Shulk emerged in a dimension familiar to all but the latter, and especially familiar to Link.

"Hey, I remember this place! It's the Bridge of Eldin!" Kirby noted.

Indeed, they were back at the same bridge they previously had many Brawls upon.

"Master Hand wants us to-a pick up veteran fighters, yeah? Well, we know just who to find here!"

Shulk interjected. "Wait, wait! I think I know this one! This is… we can find Ganondorf here, right?!"

"You're close."

"Zelda?"

"And Shoolk gets it in two. Looks like you've been boning up on Nintendo franchises, huh?" Pikachu patted him on the back of the shin.

"Yeah! So… how do we find her?"

Donkey Kong closed his eyes and raised a large finger. "First, ascertain the presence of aromatic compounds associated with assorted palliatives permeating the air. Second, follow that redolence to the best of your capabilities, while keeping vigil for reckless property damage, puddles of vomitus, and distressed commonfolk."

Yoshi saluted the ape before pressing his nose against the ground, sniffing around.

"…I'm sorry, what does that all mean?" Shulk raised an eyebrow.

"You are nearly as daft as that mechanical monstrosity."

Samus interjected. "What he means is, 'smell the air for booze, then follow the trail of drunken stupidity it leads you to'. That's how you find a Zelda." She dialed Master Hand yet again.

"Yo, Samus."

"We're going to get Zelda here, and then we're coming back. Be a dear and open a rift for us once we get her?"

The hand sighed on the other end. "Fine… but only because it's almost dinnertime and I need Kirby in the kitchen."

"Thanks, see you in a few." She hung up.

Shulk spoke up. "Zelda is a… heavy drinker, then?"

"Yes, sadly. She stole all my cooking sherry last tournament and drank it all in one day. It was eight bottles. Master Hand better have a good stock if he expects me to make anything classy tonight." Kirby remarked.

Yoshi stood back up and began jumping up and down to get their attention. "I found the trail!" He pressed his nose back to the ground and followed it, snaking across the bridge.

"Well, you heard the gween donkey." Pikachu followed behind, along with the others.

Before they could make much progress, the bridge began to shake.

"I-is this about to fall apart?!" Shulk tried to keep his balance.

"No. It's-a HIM, King Bulblin!"

Kirby raised an eyebrow. "Dude, don't introduce other people using your catchphrase."

He was smacked up into the air when King Bulblin, riding on his mount Lord Bulbo, plowed through him.

"…," King Bulblin stated eloquently.

Link glared back at the Bulblin. "…"

"…!"

"….."

"….!"

"…!"

Link drew his sword and slashed at him, Bulblin parrying with his axe. Link climbed onto the boar-creature's back, engaging Bulblin in the Hyrulean equivalent of a traintop duel. Lord Bulbo continued running despite its new passenger, trampling over an inattentive Yoshi before dropping a large bomb behind himself.

"Everybody, get away!" Samus used her Grapple Beam to lasso Kirby and Shulk away to the west side of the bridge just as the bomb blew up, breaking the bridge apart. Donkey Kong, Mario, Samus, Kirby, and Shulk remained on the west side, while Fox and a flattened Yoshi remained on the east, with Link still riding off with King Bulblin further ahead. Pikachu had been in the center and gotten caught in the bomb explosion, and was now falling down into the chasm along with chunks of bridge. Kirby laughed at Pikachu's misfortune.

"YOU BASTaaaaarrrrdddd…!" Pikachu's voice echoed from below.

"Alas, poor asshole rodent. He won't be missed." Kirby remarked, doffing his nonexistent hat.

The words of Masahiro Sakurai echoed within Pikachu's head.

_"You must recover!"_

Snapping back to his senses, the plummeting asshole rodent managed to propel himself off of a falling chunk up to one of the bridge's support beams, and wall-jumped off that before using Quick Attack to grasp the west ledge.

"Riddle me this: what's pink, runs its fat mouth off, and about to conduct a gazillion volts?!"

"Uh-oh." Kirby barely had time to run before Pikachu leapt over the edge and onto him, giving him the shocking of a lifetime.

"Hooray, you survived. But now we have to catch up to those three." Samus pointed at Yoshi and Fox's continuing progress, and Link growing ever-smaller in the distance.

"Well, now it's-a time for jumping, I suppose…" Mario cricked his back and got a running start, leaping over the pit in a single bound. Everyone else applauded, especially Shulk.

Donkey Kong smirked and followed suit, using his Spinning Kong technique to make up for his lower jump. Samus was next, grasping the opposite ledge with the Grapple Beam, followed by Pikachu using Skull Bash to propel himself across the gap. Kirby easily floated across, leaving just Shulk on the west side.

"Now's a good time to show us your own jumping abilities, Shulk!" Samus shouted.

Shulk paled at the gap he had to cross, painful memories of the icy jumps of Valak Mountain flooding back to him. All those painful falls…

"Come on, you can do it!" Yoshi had doubled back, abandoning the trail to cheer Shulk on.

"Guys, I can't! Augh, what would Reyn say about this…?"

_"Remember Shulk, when you jump, you gotta go 'ALLEY-OOP!' every single time!"_

Shulk took a running leap, making it about halfway across the chasm.

"Alley-oop!"

He fell like a rock, down to his apparent death. He exploded in a column of light and lost a stock, respawning back on the ledge.

"Wait, why are Smash's rules applying here…? Well, whatever. Give it another shot, Shulk! And this time don't assault our ears!" Kirby shouted.

 _"Gah, if only the Monado could help me here! But I don't have a 'Jump'_   _power… Or do I?"_

Shulk focused on the Monado, willing a new power into existence. "Monado… Jump!"

Now glowing a brilliant shade of viridian, Shulk jumped higher than even Mario, easily clearing the gap.

"There we go! Now was that so hard?"

The group sprinted the rest of the way down the bridge, catching up to Fox and Link standing around the deceased remains of King Bulblin. The broken remains of a whiskey bottle lay strewn around the ground, the Bulblin's skull presumably cracked by it.

"Well, we found her." Pikachu remarked.

Zelda sat on the ground nearby, chugging a second bottle of whiskey. She pulled it away from her mouth and addressed the gathered Smash Bros.

"I d'nno what'rwe doin' here, but got me 'nother drink and I'll *hic* fin'sh it on the way t' the house…" She trailed off and slumped over, whiskey spilling from the bottle. She then burped loudly.

"The revered Princess of Hyrule, gentlemen." Samus facepalmed, or facevisored anyway.

Link picked his princess up and hauled her along as the party of nine-turned-ten walked through the freshly-opening rift back to the Smash Mansion.

* * *

"Robin, NO! Oh, gods, no!" Lucina looked away from the sight of her friend being devoured, before drawing her sword and dropping out of the tree to confront the monster in a homicidal rage.

"I'll kill you for that! Um… wait, if I stab you I'd kill Robin too, wouldn't I?" Her rage immediately subsided in favor of more hopelessness.

The beast responded by vaguely shrugging then jamming his finger up his own nose, digging around before pulling out a disgusting glob.

A voice caught Lucina's attention, distracting her from her urge to vomit. "You there!"

She looked up at the source of the voice, seeing naught but a billowing blue cape at the top of the tree.

"Who… are you?"

"My name is Meta Knight. That is all you need to know. Get yourself to safety," he ordered. Lucina slowly backed away. Meta Knight cleared his throat before addressing the creature. "Bad Wario! Don't eat our new Smash Brothers!"

Wario didn't seem to notice the newcomer much, still busy digging progressively more hideous globs of snot out of his nose.

"Hmm, this should work." Meta Knight flew down to Wario's level, and pulled a bulb of garlic out from within his cloak. This immediately caught Wario's eye, and he stopped what he was doing to stare at the bulb and salivate, his mouth hanging open.

Lucina blinked. "You have to be kidding me."

Meta Knight held the vegetable out of Wario's reach, before sticking his hand down Wario's throat.

"Is… is that safe?"

"He's done this before. I haven't lost a hand yet, but I suppose it is a constant risk." He reached deeper in, grasping at something. He pulled out an Elwind tome and a Gyorg skeleton, tossing them aside.

"Hmm, not those… Ah!"

He pulled as hard as he could, yanking a very slimy and very traumatized Robin up out of the depths. His rescue mission finished, he tossed the garlic to Wario, who ate it paper and all. Robin opted to use his newly-gained freedom to curl up in a ball and lay down on the beach, muttering to himself and shivering despite the heat.

Lucina felt a wave of relief. "Thank you, Meta Knight."

"It is no difficult task for Brawl's tournament winner. I am Meta Knight of the Smash Brothers, and I am the most powerful ally you will ever have." He stood proudly, before stumbling over onto his side. "Wait a second." He stood back up, trying to regain his dignity.

"How did you know to find us here?" Lucina wondered.

"A rift opened up in front of my ship as I was soaring through the skies. It took me to your home dimension, where your father told me that you and Robin had disappeared through another rift. I figured I may as well scope out the new meat; I did not think I would be rescuing them, however! …Also, your father seems very broken-up about not getting to participate. You should talk with him."

"I appreciate your timely arrival. And I'm certain Robin does as well, even if he's a bit preoccupied." She hoisted him up off the ground, trying to get him to at least stand up straight. Robin simply slumped back down and clung to her leg. "Do you know how to get off this island?"

"I can fly, as you have undoubtedly seen, but even with my power I do not believe I could carry the both of you. Or even one of you. And  _definitely_  not Wario."

Robin's eyes went wide. "Wait, we're bringing him with us?!"

"Well, yes. He may not act it, but he  _is_  a Smash Brother!"

Lucina spoke up. "Robin, let go of my leg. It's uncomfortable and you're drenched in gut fluids."

The shaken man stood up, regaining his composure. "Sorry."

"But you do have a point. Meta Knight, why should we trust Wario not to just eat us?"

Meta Knight looked over at the obese man. "Actually, he may be our ticket out of here." With that, Meta Knight yanked a loose thread off of Robin's robe, and used it to tie a second bulb of garlic to a small stick. He then hopped on Wario's back and dangled the garlic-on-a-string in front of him. Wario got down on all fours and began crawling toward the garlic, which Meta Knight hung between him and the ocean.

"How is using Wario as a pack mule going to get us off the island?"

Upon reaching the shoreline, Wario proceeded to simply crawl across the surface of the ocean rather than sink, making slow but steady progress toward Windfall Island.

"Anybody getting on?"

Lucina shrugged off the physics conundrum, and walked toward their new vessel to get a seat. Robin grimaced before joining her, and together the three of them rode Wario all night… uh, in a less poorly-phrased sense.

"Meta Knight? I have one question."

"Yes?"

" _Why_  do you have bulbs of garlic on you?"

"…Vampires."


	5. What are U Looking at?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author's Note:**  Originally published 8/9/2015

"So then I says, I says to him, 'feck off, I'm th' princess of Hyrule, I do what I'sh want!', and kicked his anvil over onto hish foot! He'll never *hic* keep me away from his new swords again…"

Zelda regaled them all with tales of her drunk escapades in Hyrule's market.

"You kicked over an anvil?! Isn't that far too heavy?"

Zelda responded to Shulk's question by standing up, wobbling a bit, then kicking her chair with the tip of her foot. The attack sweetspotted and caused the chair to explode into splinters.

"She learned that from Captain Falcon. It's her own take on the 'Kneecap of Justice'." Pikachu explained, pawing at the pasta dish in front of him.

"I see. I can't wait to meet this Captain Falcon, everything I've heard about him paints him to be like… a god, nearly!"

"For once, you're right on. His franchise may be down the crapper lately, but he's the only guy here whom I have an iota of respect for."

Mario raised an eyebrow. "Not even Charizard?"

"Meh. Guy's a workaholic."

Zelda went to sit back down in her chair, plopping to the floor where it used to be.

Conversation quieted down after that, with the currently assembled Smash Bros. minus Kirby all eating their pasta dish. Master Hand ate elsewhere rather than mingle with his recruits (Plus, he didn't want anyone to see just how he eats), and Mr. Game and Watch didn't eat food anyway. At least, not normal food. Kirby had also set out one extra plate earlier, which disappeared while nobody was looking.

Speaking of whom, Kirby kicked the door open, a large pot in one hand and a stirring spoon in the other. "How's the pasta?"

"Just like-a at home!" Mario replied happily. "In fact, this-a sauce tastes  _just-a_  like how my mama used to-a make it!"

"I used that recipe, yeah. It's my favorite."

Mario dropped his fork onto his plate. "Wait, what? That's a family secret, passed down the Mario line for-a ages!"

"Oops! Did I say I snuck into your world, stole your family cookbook, copied all the recipes inside, then beat a hasty retreat? I meant to say that, uh… yeah, that's exactly what I did."

Mario glared at the puffball, before resuming eating while muttering in Italian under his breath.

"I'm thinkin'… you's gotta *hic* make the thing with the… thing… Then nobody's takes your bookcook again…"

"'Make the thing with the thing.' Thank you for-a your input."

Shulk veered the subject away from the sauce. "Kirby, these meatballs are great! Could you give me some pointers on how to make ones like these?"

"In order to make a good meatball, first you gotta  _look_  like a meatball. I can't help you there, kid."

"Well, damn."

Kirby stepped back into the kitchen to continue prepping the dessert course.

Shulk finally decided to address what was to him the elephant in the living room. "So, uh… is the place here  _always_  a… wreck?"

"Nope! Usually it's big, and comfy, and we all live in harmony! …Oh, but it's nice like this too! There's a gentle breeze blowing in, and it's a spectacular view!" Yoshi beamed positively.

Zelda lunged up from the floor, slamming her fist down on the table. "Wheresh… my room now?! I need somewheres to pass out for the night!"

Link lifted her fist off the mahogany, causing her to fall back down to the floor and pass out.

* * *

Luigi huddled in a corner, his knees near his head and his hat pulled down over his eyes. He didn't know what this place was, but it frightened him.

"Are you going to get off the floor any time soon, man? You're sorta embarrassing me here." Ness spoke as he walked up to the man in green.

"Where… where are we?!"

"No idea. But it is pretty trippy, ain't it?" Ness looked out at the black void surrounding them, filled with large blue walls, floors, and ceilings.

"I just want to go-a back to the mansion…!"

Ness and Luigi had also been present there on that fateful day, but were upstairs when the fun started. They were dumped unceremoniously in this odd world, and the rift closed behind them leaving them stranded.

Ness looked at the pitiful man before him, and bopped him over the head with his bat. "C'mon, what's the worst that could happen? We get assaulted by a blue panel thing? Or one of those pixelated dots I keep seeing everywhere? We can handle anything this realm could throw at us!"

"I-it's not that I can't fight, it's just… so frightening! What if something jumps out at me?"

Ness sneered. "You know, this is why women don't like you. Grow a spine, man."

"A-anyway, I think we're not alone here… I've-a been seeing things floating in the distance around this maze…!"

"Probably the locals! We'll just go and say hi, and ask for some directions!" Ness grabbed Luigi by the arm and yanked him up on his feet. He dragged him deeper into the maze, Luigi's feet scuffing the blue floor as he tried to resist.

It wasn't long before they found someone. Or some _thing_ , anyway. The sight of it turned Luigi paler than the moon.

"G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-"

"Yes, I get it. It's a-"

"G-GHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOST!"

Luigi broke free of Ness's grip and sprinted in the other direction away from the plain-looking orange ghost roaming near them. Ness simply stepped forward.

"Hey, uh… ghost thing! Do you know any way out of here?"

The ghost thing ignored Ness, but as it looped around its path it eventually diverged toward Ness on chance.

"Ah, now we're getting somewhere! Do you speak-"

Right before the ghost could touch him it turned dark blue, gained a frowning face, and slowly floated in the opposite direction. It didn't get very far before a yellow sphere with a mouth devoured it.

Ness rubbed his eyes. "Okay, now things are really getting trippy. Did I accidentally eat a bad mushroom or something?"

The carnivorous yellow sphere grew arms and legs, and a nose and eyes appeared above its mouth. It spoke. "Whew, that was a close one! You were nearly a dead man!"

"Uh… why?"

"The ghost, dude! It almost got you! I saved you just in time!"

"…Thanks?"

"Name's Pac-Man, and I'm the only way you're going to survive this place. Go grab your green friend and let's get to safer grounds!"

"…Sure, why not? He'll be terrified of YOU, and that'll be funny to see!"

Ness cheerily went back to grab the timid man.

* * *

After an uncomfortable night of sleeping on the floors of what few rooms remained, the gathered Smash Bros. were once again being ushered through a rift. This time, they were given a proper chance to assemble some supplies, rations, and camping equipment such that they could spend as much time as needed across dimensions.

Mario, Donkey Kong, Link, Samus, Yoshi, Kirby, Pikachu, Fox, Shulk, and Zelda stood before a small rift that was still engulfing the lawn of the mansion. Mr. Game and Watch was then nudged out through the mansion doors by Master Hand.

Samus objected. "What?! Why do we have to bring him?!"

"Yeah, why do I have to go with these kids?! I'm comfortable just where I am!" Mr. Game and Watch complained.

Master Hand thought carefully about his answer. "Because you have a wealth of knowledge and experience, of course!"

"Yeah…?"

"These young ones need a guide! Someone to take charge, whip them into shape, and rant at them endlessly instead of me! But of course, if you're too  _old_  and  _obsolete_  I could always send someone else…" he ended on a beguiling note.

Mr. Game and Watch thought about it for a moment. "…No, no, I'll do it! I'll keep these whippersnappers in line, by gum!" he declared.

The whippersnappers in question all glared at Master Hand (aside from Yoshi, Shulk, and Zelda) for tricking Mr. Game and Watch into joining their entourage.

"Goodbye, you all! Don't come back until you've found a bunch more people or figured out just what's going on!"

"Like we have a choice in the matter. It's up to you whether we get to come back at all," said Pikachu.

"Yep! Have fun!"

The football-team-sized group marched through, sans Pikachu once again. Master Hand simply sighed.

"Am I going to have to flick you again?"

Pikachu turned and grinned. "No, see, I've got an idea. Just hear me out, okay?"

Master Hand paused, and let him continue.

"I'm thinking... I  _don't_  go through, and instead I stick around here and give them orders over a comm link, like you! That way I'm still useful, but don't have to bother hiking around with them. What do you think?" he grinned, proud of his idea.

* * *

Mario and the others emerged in a world immediately recognized as the Mushroom Kingdom, as seen in New Super Mario Bros. U.

"Oh, I'm-a home!"

"Okay, where is Pikachu? Don't tell me he's trying to abandon us again." Samus scanned for the rodent.

As if on cue, Pikachu came hurtling through the rift, screaming and once again crashing into Samus's head. He immediately scrambled to his feet and began yelling back through the portal.

"YOU FINGER-FLICKING DICK! I swear to Arceus that when we come back I'm going to bend your fingers until they break, and shove a white hot piece of rebar up your wristhole! And then I'll-"

Any continued threat he may have made was cut off by Master Hand forcefully closing the rift.

"Seriously, you're a dick…" Pikachu muttered to himself.

Mr. Game and Watch was unimpressed by the landscape. "Bah! This place has gone way downhill! I remember the old days when your Mushroom Kingdom was in glorious 8-bit! Of course, that's not as impressive as my old liquid crystal display, but it was still a pretty good era! This place is all…  _soft_ , and  _detailed_. Look at those backgrounds, who wasted their time going and drawing that when they could have put more attention into good level design and challenging platforming! Speaking of which, your adventures are all too easy nowadays! They just tell a story instead of actually challenging the player! Mine  _had_  no end, you just kept playing until you lost, and by jove it was hard and fun! The games you kids are in now might as well just be a movie! Speaking of movies, they're all explosions and kissing nowadays! Back in my day films told an actual story. We didn't have color, or sound effects, and it still worked because we had our imaginations to fill in those gaps! Though I guess it is better we have those, but still! Anyway, back on this world, what's with all the grass? This place used to just be square tiles of rock, or dirt, or whatever the ground was! And if this is the Mushroom Kingdom, where's the mushrooms?! I don't see any here!"

He continued in his rant, unaware that everyone else had long since pressed on.

* * *

"So, this is the famous Mushroom Kingdom, huh?" Shulk looked around the world, awed by the iconic landscape.

"Yep. Don't wander off, we're not here to sightsee." Kirby cautioned Shulk.

"Still, I wonder if I'll see any Goombas?! Or maybe even Bowser himself?"

"An unlikely event. Bowser rarely trespasses in this region unless he is attempting to abscond with Princess Peach."

A large stream of fire blazed across the ground, most of the Smash Bros. leaping out of the way. The one unfortunate was Yoshi, who ignited and ran around trying to extinguish himself. The source of the flames let loose a low, rough laugh.

"It's-a him, Bowser!"

Indeed, Bowser himself stood before the heroes, embers still trickling from his maw. In his arm was Peach.

"Mario, help me!"

"GWAHAHAHA! I AM ABSCONDING WITH PRINCESS PEACH!"

Mario simply sighed, running his hand against his forehead. "Do you really have to do this here and now?! I'm  _really_  getting sick of-a your crap, you know that?"

Bowser shrugged. "It's what I do. I kidnap Peach, you rescue her, then she bakes you a cake. It's a cycle."

"And I'm tired of it."

"Mario, help me!" Peach cried in distress.

"Can't you just help-a yourself?! I'm-a sorta busy at the moment."

"Hmm… maybe!" Peach pondered.

"Nooo, Mario, you gotta defeat me and rescue her!" Bowser whined.

Samus raised an eyebrow, and chose to interject. "Aren't BOTH of you supposed to be with us? We're gathering up the Smash Bros."

"Yeah, well, I figured I'd just kidnap her now and bring her with me to the tournament. Save time that way, you know? But… I can't resist running Mario ragged. So… bye!"

With that, Bowser jumped backwards into a pit, only to rise up and fly away in his Koopa Clown Copter.

"So… that's a thing," Shulk muttered, seeing the ridiculous vehicle for the first time.

"I hate clowns," Kirby sneered.

Samus's comm link crackled to life. "Samus, report. Did Bowser just kidnap Princess Peach?"

"Yep."

"Okay, thought so. New objective: defeat Bowser, rescue Peach, and make them both join your squad. The more hands on deck the better," Master Hand ordered.

"Gotcha."

Before they could move on, the sound of angry yelling interspersed with beeps and boops signified that Mr. Game and Watch finally caught up with them.

"-and another thing, you kids NEVER stick around and listen to what I have to say! You are all so disrespectful of your elders! Though I guess when I was a whippersnapper I wasn't respectful of  _my_  elders either. But still, now that I am one I know what it's like and I'd never have done it when I was your age! Why, if I were ten years younger I'd smack each and every one of you upside the head with a turtle! In fact, why do I have to be ten years younger? I'll do it right now!"

He proceeded to introduce his turtle to the sides of everyone's head in rapid succession.

"Ow, what the hell, old man?!" Kirby yelled, nursing the newly-formed mark on the side of his head.

"Seriously, was such chelonian churlishness necessary, you chartaceous chyme?" Donkey Kong added.

"I swear, if my visor is cracked, I'm ripping your outline off." Samus fumed, removing her helmet and checking the front for any damage."

"Keep an eye on your shield gauge." Fox cautioned her.

"You kids are getting off light. When I speak, you all better listen, dagnabbit, I always have something important to say!"

Before he could scold any further, Nabbit leapt out from behind a bush, shoved Mr. Game and Watch into a sack, and ran off with his prize, assorted curse words and yells coming from within the burlap.

"Well, he's on his own now." Samus remarked, replacing her helmet.

"Who? Mr. Game and Watch, or that guy who grabbed him?" Shulk asked.

"Either, I guess. Anyway, we should move."

"We're heading out. All aircraft report." Fox declared.

For the second time, any attempt at progress was halted by the arrival of a cranky old individual, in this case Kamek.

"So, you think you can defeat Bowser this time, Mario?! Bah! Even with these… weird friends of yours, you stand no chance! Bowser has become too powerful for the likes of you. All four hundred and seventy-six times you won were flukes!"

"We don't have time for this." Pikachu marched on, ignoring Kamek.

"Wait, are we in a rush?" Yoshi rubbed his chin thoughtfully, genuinely confused as to the gravity of their mission.

"I guess not. But I don't want to play with Kamek anyway, he's crusty and old."

"Crusty and old?! You little brat!" Kamek attempted to fire some of those geometric magic things at Pikachu, but they fizzled out less than halfway to him. "Huh. Well, I can't do that magic well until I've had my morning coffee anyway. But I CAN do this one!" He flew over everyone's heads, his broom leaving behind a trail of magic dust that coated the whole landscape. In a flash, everybody was teleported into a castle tower, landing on a pair of moving platforms shifting around each other.

"Where are we?!" Kirby looked around in a panic.

"Nyeh ha ha ha! I've taken you to Bowser's castle!"

"Oh, that saves us a trip. Thanks! We need to get him to rejoin the Smash Bros."

Kamek screeched to a halt on his broom. "Wait, Smash Bros.?! I've always wanted to join that! Can I come with you gu-"

Samus finished charging up a Charge Shot, and fired it at Kamek, blasting him off his broom and down onto a giant sea urchin, where he was violently impaled.

"That settles that."

With that, they began slowly climbing down the tower.

* * *

"Consarnit! Lemme go!" Mr. Game and Watch wiggled and struggled against the bag he was held captive in. Eventually he pulled out his trusty frying pan and began filling the sack with LCD sausages and fried fish. It became too weighed down for Nabbit to carry, and spilled open as it slipped from his grasp. Before Nabbit could react, Mr. Game and Watch struck him with a torch, setting him on fire and knocking him away into the sea.

"Teach YOU to grab unsuspecting elders!"

He scoped out his new surroundings. Nabbit had dragged him all the way up onto a flat-topped rock, sitting in the middle of a craggy beach.

"Bah. I'll just have to find my own way to that Browser brute."

He launched himself up into the air, using a parachute to drift across the beach on wind currents.

* * *

The main group of Smashers sat around in the foyer of Bowser's Castle. It turned out Bowser wasn't even home yet.

"Three, two, one, go!" Kirby stuck his hand out.

Link also stuck his hand out, keeping it flat to signify paper. He raised an eyebrow and smirked at his victory.

"What?! No, I totally chose scissors! I can't do anything but rock with these stubby hands!"

Link shrugged, and threw a rematch with him. The exact same outcome occurred.

"Okay, I legitimately used rock that time. But either way I hate this game, it's way too luck-based. Let's play poker instead."

"Uh, isn't that also all luck?" Shulk questioned.

"You also need cards to play that." Pikachu said.

"I think you can just use your imagination! It's a wonderful thing!" Yoshi added.

Pikachu bopped him over the head.

At that moment, the main doors were flung open, the wind scattering Kirby's imaginary cards. Bowser stomped in, still carrying Peach.

"GWAHAHAHA! I'm home, minions! And I've got the princess!"

He noticed the assembled Smash Bros. in his foyer.

"Oh. Uh, this is awkward."

* * *

Ganondorf screamed in rage as he drove his sword through the giant smiling heart that dared to be relentlessly upbeat near him. This did nothing to stop it, as it continued to sway back and forth cheerfully with a sword rammed through it.

"This place is a nightmare!"

He yanked the sword out, and stomped on some flowers. After having wandered through the woolly world for a while, the yarn theme had faded away and now he found himself in a childish pop-up book world.

"And what is with that background singing with the chanting Yoshis?! Are they saying 'the end, oh'? 'The Alamo'?! I can't even tell what it is they're supposed to be saying, but I hate it!"

The Yoshi's Story end-of-level-theme kept on playing from nowhere, as pretty heart-shaped petals rained down around Ganondorf. Finally fed up, he pointed the sword upon himself and tried jamming it through his own chest. It bounced off his armor harmlessly.

"Bah."

He turned around to retrace his steps, only to see a large bunch of grapes dangling in front of him.

"Hello there?"

Ganondorf looked around, realizing that there were assorted fruits everywhere. He yanked the floating grapes out of the air, and devoured them.

"…Meh. I need salty, cheesy stuff."

He began retracing his steps back to the wool area where his television set was, only to trip and fall over a large smiling flower that was growing on the path. He tried to scramble back up onto his feet, only to get one of them caught on the flower again and fall back down on his face. This caused him to choke on a grape he still had in his mouth, and he had to swing his head down against the ground a few times more trying to cough it up. It flew out of his mouth and splattered onto the ground, and he took a big gasp of air. He tugged his foot loose and slowly stood back up before looking around in a panic, praying that nobody just saw the King of Evil get his ass kicked by a flower and a grape.

In the distance, a lone Shy Guy chuckled. Ganondorf noticed it and ran at it, lunging forward in a Flame Choke. Within seconds the Shy Guy was reduced to a red smear across the dirt.

"You won't tell anyone now, will you?"

The smear was silent.

"Good."

He turned back around and resumed his journey back, and tripped over the flower again.


	6. Big Bad Bowser Brouhaha

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author's Note:** It's Bowser in your internet browser! …What? Don't raise your eyebrowsers at my pun. Wowzers, tough crowd… Nevertheless I shall take a bow, sir.
> 
> Bowser's just a really fun name.
> 
> Originally published 8/25/2015

Bowser's rear end crashed down on the brick floor, just barely missing Donkey Kong with a Bowser Bomb.

"I don't know how you got to my castle before me, but I can kick all of your asses anyway!" Bowser blew a large stream of fire at Zelda and Yoshi. Zelda used Farore's Wind to teleport out of the way while Yoshi tucked himself into an egg and rolled.

"How does he do that? Doesn't he  _lay_  eggs, not put himself in one?" Shulk pondered, looking at the Yoshi egg rolling around striking swarms of Goombas and Koopas marching in to assist their leader. Shulk himself slashed through a pair of Hammer Bros. that were attempting to flatten his face, and cast Monado Speed on Mario. Mario darted through the horde up to Bowser, and managed to punch him across the face at high speed. Bowser shrugged the punch off, and picked the plumber up by his overall straps.

"Come on, is that the best you can-"

Bowser was silenced by a Din's Fire exploding on him courtesy of Zelda, who took one last swig from a bottle before going to sleep next to some Piranha Plants. The blast sent Bowser flying back against a wall, leaving an odd-shaped crater. He pulled himself up onto his feet and opened his mouth to breathe fire. Fox quickly jumped in, activating his Reflector in front of Bowser. Bowser quickly swallowed the flames he was about to breathe.

"Ah, though I'd fall for that, huh?"

He walked over to the still-shielding Fox, intending to punch him in the face, only for Fox to deactivate and quickly re-activate his Reflector, which knocked Bowser back into his wall-crater.

"I forgot about the goddamn shine!"

Fox kept spamming his Reflector, bouncing Bowser back and forth between the wall and shield until the former gave out and crumbled apart; Bowser stumbled backwards through the wall into his throne room, where a Hammer Bro on a ladder was currently shoving Peach into a cage hanging from the ceiling.

"Mario, help me!"

"I'm-a little busy!" he yelled while punching and kicking his way out of a pile of Koopas that had swarmed him.

Link, Samus, Pikachu, Shulk, and Mr. Game and Watch followed Bowser through the hall to keep the fight on him, while Mario, Donkey Kong, Yoshi, Kirby, and Fox remained in the foyer to fight the enemies pouring in from the halls. Bowser noticed the Hammer Bro and Peach, and scowled.

"You IDIOT! I told you to take her up into the tower, not lock here up in my throne room! It's literally the first room after the foyer!"

The Hammer Bro shrugged, and began to unfasten Peach's cage from the ceiling.

"Anyway, where were we?" Bowser cracked his neck.

"I believe you were getting wall infinite'd by Fox." Pikachu stated.

"Yeah, that doesn't work with destructible environments. Anyway, your numbers are halved. Now it's even easier for me," he sneered as he stomped toward the others. Link ran to meet him, slashing with his sword.

"Whoa, Link! That'll kill him! Aren't we just trying to subdue him?" Shulk asked.

Link rubbed the back of his head sheepishly, giving Bowser enough time to dropkick him out through the wall, making another hole. Bowser flexed his arms and legs after this feat.

"Yep, I've been buffing up for this tournament. No more hunched-over dinosaur monster, and no more silly sliding across the ground!" He demonstrated his point by breaking into a full-on humanlike sprint, catching Shulk and Pikachu off-guard with a kick.

"You can't step to the new and improved Bowser!"

Mr. Game and Watch stepped to him, smacking him in the shin with a manhole cover and then flipping sausages at him. Bowser jumped back out of range, then slipped past the barrage of breakfast meats and grabbed Mr. Game and Watch.

"Don't you do it, kiddo." Mr. Game and Watch scowled.

"I'm gonna do it."

"DON'T!"

Bowser leapt into the air with Mr. Game and Watch, slamming down onto the ground with him.

"Aaaaargh, my back! You've gone and ruined it!" Mr. Game and Watch yelled, now hunched over and using a lion-taming chair as a walker.

"Good. Now, you, blondie. I don't know who you are."

"I'm Shulk."

"Good to know. I'm Bowser. This is my castle you're in. So… I'm gonna burn you. Don't take it personally." He took a deep breath, his throat glowing with fire.

Shulk activated Monado Shield and covered his face with his arm as he was blown back by the fire breath. Before Bowser could finish Shulk off, Pikachu jumped up onto Bowser's nose, forcing his mouth shut and causing him to gag on his own flames.

"Mmmmrph!" Bowser smacked Pikachu off and went into a coughing fit, sending small embers everywhere. Mr. Game and Watch inched over to Shulk, letting him use the chair to pull himself back up onto his feet.

"Got any better things in that sword?" the older man asked.

"Well, I could maybe increase our power with Buster, but I don't know who's left to fight. Speaking of, where's Samus?"

* * *

In the hallway, Mario's squad wasn't having much luck with the enemies. They were flowing in from the hallways faster than they could be defeated, and now their numbers were such that even Donkey Kong's Ground Slap was having trouble keeping them at bay.

"Mario! It is essential that we fall back! Brute force will not suffice against such masses."

Mario hopped onto a Goomba, then bounced across several more and finished by jumping up high enough to kick a Lakitu out of the air. "Hmm… what if-a we could find a lava pit?"

Donkey Kong pondered this while driving his fist through a trio of Dry Bones. "Hmm… Brutal and pragmatic, but it may work."

A wall exploded as Link came sailing through, flying through a squadron of Parakoopas and making a large impact against the opposite wall.

Kirby ignored that and looked at the hall to the west. "I can feel a lot of heat coming from over there, but there's a lot of guys blocking it. I don't know how we'll get through-"

"We're gonna break through that fleet!" Fox dashed past Kirby and Fox Illusioned through the swarm of Goombas, scattering enough to make a small gap through their ranks. The other four followed him, reaching a large room with a classic bridge-and-axe combo suspended over a boiling lake of lava.

"Ah, excellent. Cross to the athwart side, and once our pursuant enemies have occupied the bridge we shall send bridge and foe alike to a searing doom," Donkey Kong observed.

The five of them ran across the bridge, as several Koopas stationed on it noticed and charged them. Yoshi grabbed one Koopa with his tongue, then spat the shell out, bowling through the remaining ones. The moment all five of them reached the other end of the bridge, Mario grabbed the axe's helve and lifted it up.

"Look at these idiots," Kirby remarked as the squad of enemies marched onto the bridge, oblivious to the plan.

"So long-a, Bowser…'s minions!" Mario swung the axe down, chopping the bridge's support chain and sending it and a whole lot of enemies down into the lava. Mario, Donkey Kong, Yoshi, and Fox looked away from the screaming enemies as the lava did what it does best. Kirby watched while salivating.

"It's like a big soup pot…!"

"There's one more to go!" Fox called out, pointing at a Sledge Bro that was on the same side of the bridge as them. It approached, stomping with each step and swinging a large hammer menacingly.

Donkey Kong scanned the area for anything to help, and noticed a Fire Bar rotating nearby. He smiled, and adjusted his glasses.

"I posit that with enough upward force, such a trap could be utilized for our own benefit."

He grabbed the base of the Fire Bar and yanked upward, uprooting it and converting it into a weapon.

"Oh, you're so smart, Donkey Kong! We all make such a great team!" Yoshi cheered.

The Sledge Bro swung a hammer at DK, who sidestepped it and whacked the chubby Koopa with the Fire Bar, setting him alight and knocking him down a chasm, where he smoldered.

"And that is twice now we have turned Bowser's machinations against him. …Crap, I began a sentence with a coordinating conjunction. None of you heard that!"

"Whatever you say, Dr. Kong," Kirby grinned as Mario opened the door to their right.

* * *

Peach sighed from her cage as the Hammer Bro toted it off, watching Bowser fight with Shulk, Pikachu, and the others.

"Oh, I wish I could help them… If only Mario were here to save me!" she sniffled.

At that moment, a Super Missile struck the Hammer Bro's head, destroying it and the Hammer University education it contained. Samus walked over and bashed the lock off of the cage with her arm cannon.

"Will I do?" Samus asked.

"Oh, thanks!" Peach sauntered out of the cage and skipped merrily toward the fray. Samus simply shrugged.

The moment Peach reached Bowser she stopped skipping, and put her hands on her hips.

"Mr. Bowser Koopa! I demand you stop this nonsense!" Peach sternly told Bowser.

"Hey, get back in that cage! You're kidnapped."

"Oh, am I? I thought I just got rescued by Ms. Aran…"

"Just hit him!" Samus yelled from across the room.

Bowser sneered. "Right, since I'm  _so_  scared of your dainty little slaps."

Peach huffed, and smacked Bowser in the shin with a frying pan.

"Owowowowow!" Bowser hopped around the room on one foot, and tripped over his throne.

"…Where were you keeping that pan?" Pikachu asked.

"That's a secret~!"

Bowser got back up and stormed over to the princess. He pulled his fist back to punch her, but grimaced at the thought of hitting her.

"Uh… I don't want to have to actually hurt you, so could you just…"

Peach began pulling turnips out from the ground, tossing them at Bowser. He put his hands over his head and retreated at the barrage of produce. Peach threw one like a fastball, which missed Bowser and hit Mr. Game and Watch's back, snapping him back upright.

"Oh, my back! …Is actually feeling pretty good now. Thanks."

"Aww, you're always welcome Mr. Game and Watch!"

Bowser walked back cautiously, flinching when Peach turned to glare at him.

"Uh… what do I do here…? I guess I could just grab you and walk away, but then I'd be defenseless against those guys…"

"Hmmph. You'll just have to hit me, Bowser."

"Fine, but… I'm sorry, I don't want to do this."

He shakily threw a light punch at the princess, but she immediately pulled Toad out from under her dress.

"OH, THANK GOD! I CAN BREATHE!"

Bowser's fist impacted Toad, who involuntarily released a cloud of spores, the blast knocking Bowser onto his back. Peach put the bruised and bleeding Toad back where she got it, and smiled.

Everybody else simply stared.

* * *

Link finally pulled himself out of the crater he had made in the foyer wall, cricking his back. He turned to walk back into the throne room, but saw Zelda asleep in a pile of equally-inebriated Piranha Plants. He tiptoed around the carnivorous flowers, hoisted Zelda up onto his shoulder, and carried her toward the doors.

He wasn't sure whether the plants had stolen some sips from her bottle or if she had willingly shared it with them, but he prayed it was the latter.

* * *

Mario, Donkey Kong, Kirby, Yoshi, and Fox entered the throne room through the side door as Link walked in through the main door, and all were greeted by the sight of Bowser on his back groaning.

"We defeated Bowser," Pikachu stated.

Mario blinked. "I see that."

Bowser managed to sit back up. "Ugh… Fine, I give. I'll rejoin your little Smash Bros. thing."

"Glad to have you back, Bowser," Peach smiled as she began to straighten his toppled throne.

"Wait, we're just letting him back in after what he pulled?" Shulk asked, horrified.

"Oh, he does this every tournament," Kirby answered.

"Usually I last a little longer than that. Kamek was supposed to slow you down, but I don't know what he was doing."

"Oh, we killed him. Sorry-not-sorry about that," Pikachu stated.

"Eh, it's fine. I'll just get a new one," he yawned. "I go through Kameks like copy paper here."

"So, that's resolved, at least," Mario let out a sigh of relief.

"MARIO, HELP ME!"

Everyone turned to where Peach's voice yelled from, only to see that Nabbit had caught up with them. He shoved Peach into his sack and jumped up out a high window, making a giggling noise as he did so.

Mario sighed again, this time for reasons very much not of relief, as the band of heroes and one villain ran out the castle doors to pursue Nabbit.

"Here we go again."

* * *

"Aye, what a strange boat you sailed in on."

Robin and Lucina were trying to process the sailor that stood before them.

"But I s'pose I've seen stranger. Like the red lion boat, or the ghostly thing that right terrified me."

Robin leaned in and whispered to Lucina. "How is he standing? How has his disproportionately large upper half not crushed his disproportionately small lower half?"

"Shh! He might hear us and… stretch us out to look like that, or something!"

Meta Knight finished tying Wario to the dock, and walked up to greet the sailor.

"Aye, you're a small little guy, ain't you?" the sailor asked, puzzled.

"Yes. Have you seen a portal anywhere on this island?"

"A… 'portal'?"

"A big whooshy thing."

"Aye, the water hole! That's what we call it, 'cause it looks like it's made of water. Not 'cause you can get a drink there, we have our own watering hole already!" he guffawed. "Anyway, it's over the hill there, but don't get too close, sometimes these weird little men come out and filch stuff. The water hole, I mean, not the bar. But hey, sometimes weird men come out of the bar and mug ya, too, eh?!" He laughed at his own joke. Robin, Lucina, and Meta Knight had already walked away after the word 'hill', leaving him to continue talking to nobody.

"If I may ask, Meta Knight, what is our plan?" Lucina asked.

"Well, we certainly can't get out of this realm the same way we got in, so this is our only way out. All we can hope for is that this rift will take us somewhere where we can get in contact with the other Smash Bros., or find a way to Master Hand."

Robin scratched his head. "Master Hand is the one who sent us the invites, right? I have to ask… what does his name mean?"

"It means he's a hand who is a master. What more do you want?"

"Surely you're joking."

"Look, man, I know you're new to this whole 'dimension-hopping' thing-"

"Actually, I'm not."

"Ah, but those were all  _sub_ -dimensions within the greater Fire Emblem dimension. …It's named that because the Fire Emblem is the most constant object there, before you ask. This is a bit more foreign than what you're used to, and in some foreign dimensions, giant gloved disembodied hands that float, shoot lasers from their fingertips, and arrange interdimensional tournaments are the norm."

"I guess it would explain why the invites we received were so gigantic," Lucina added.

"Yes, I've talked to him about getting a secretary, but he insists- Ah, there it is!"

Sure enough, a chunk of the ground was being eaten by a rift. It was a small one, only about twice the size of a beach ball, but it was large enough for them to slip through.

"I'll go and fetch Wario." Meta Knight returned to the docks, leaving Robin and Lucina alone near the rift. A small band of four young children walked up to them.

"Mister and miss, you don't look like you're from around here," the leader of the kids noted, looking up at them.

Robin smiled, and crouched down to talk to him. "Yes. We come from far away.  _Very_  far away. My name is Robin, and her name is Luci-"

One of the other kids jumped up onto Robin's back and shoved a blue jar down over Robin's head. All four of them pointed and laughed as he panicked, and were still laughing as they ran away when Lucina chased them off.

"Uh… are you okay, Robin?"

She took his aimless stumbling and muffled yells as a no, and began trying to yank the jar off his head.

Meta Knight returned, Wario in tow, and observed the two. "Come on, Robin! This is no time to be… doing whatever it is you're doing. Is this a thing he regularly does?"

Indignant yelling escaped from within the jar in response to Meta Knight's suggestion.

"Can you help with this? Some bratty kids stuck it on his head and it won't come off no matter how hard I tug." Lucina let go of the jar, causing Robin to stumble away and fall down.

"It looks pretty stuck to me. He'll just have to wear it for now, at least until we find something to pry it off with."

"But he'll suffocate!"

"Oh, right, you're human. You need to breathe."

"You  _don't_?!"

"Nah. At least, I don't think so. I mean, I can stay underwater or in space indefinitely, so… You know, I've never really thought much about it."

"He's not moving! Please do something before he  _dies_!"

"Fine, fine. Let's try this."

Meta Knight picked up a nearby pig and tossed it at Robin, the porcine projectile shattering the porcelain on impact. Robin gasped, his blued face returning to its natural shade as he took deep breaths.

"I didn't think that would actually work. But anyway, we should get going now. Like,  _now_  now."

"Why?" Lucina asked.

Meta Knight pointed at the pig, which was now charging at them in a furious rage. It ran up to Robin and headbutted him in the chest, knocking all the air back out of his lungs, then tramped across him and charged Meta Knight. He unfurled his wings and flew as fast as he could away from the irate animal, but before a wacky chase sequence could unfold Wario unhinged his jaw and swallowed the pig.

"Well… that settles that."

Meta Knight and Lucina peeled Robin off of the ground, and along with Wario the four of them jumped into the portal, leaving the world of Wind Waker behind, and much worse off from their visit.

* * *

"Lyn, bolt wrench."

Lyn handed Jeff the bolt wrench off of his work station as he put the finishing touches on repairing R.O.B.

"Goroh, soldering gun."

"HERE'S YOUR GODDAMN SOLDERING GUN!" Samurai Goroh screamed as he passed Jeff the aforementioned tool.

"Just a little application here… and a little here… and there! He should be done." Jeff leaned back and observed his work. "I have to say, when Master Hand just tossed this guy in here I wasn't sure I could fix him. But now I can't even tell he was ever broken to begin with!"

"YOU DON'T KNOW IF HE'S FIXED UNTIL YOU'VE BOOTED HIM UP, MORON!"

"As much as I disapprove of his screaming and meanness, he has a point. Where's the on switch on this little guy again?" Lyn asked as she inspected R.O.B.

"I don't think he has an on switch, I think he responds to certain light frequencies, or maybe-"

Samurai Goroh kicked R.O.B. violently, causing it to suddenly boot up.

"Initializing… updating drivers… drivers updated. Robotic Operating Buddy ver. 3.2 online. Greetings, Jeff Andonuts… Lyndis… Samurai Goroh… Dark Samus. How may I serve you today?"

Dark Samus simply floated ominously in the corner, watching its three roommates and R.O.B.

"Uh, no service is necessary. You may resume… whatever patrol you were on before you got broken," Jeff instructed.

"Understood. Have a pleasant, Smash-tastic day!" R.O.B. shuffled out of the room, unlocking the door on the way out.

"Oh, we can actually leave now," Lyn commented. "…Do you think we should lobby for fairer treatment for us Assist Trophies? Cramming four people into a two-person room is not very humane, not to mention making them co-ed.

"Remember what happened last time we all protested, to Isaac, Barbara, and Mr. Resetti?"

Lyn shuddered. "Fair enough. Still, he could at least give us more than  _two_  beds. I don't want to have to share with… that thing."

Dark Samus emitted some strange noises, still brooding in the corner and glaring at the other three.

"YOU TWO ARE BOTH A BUNCH OF PANSIES! IF THAT THING CREEPS YOU OUT JUST STAB IT!" Samurai Goroh screamed in Lyn's ear.

"I'm not going anywhere near it!" she responded, pressing her finger in her ear to pop it.

"FINE! BUT I'M NOT SHARING A BED WITH IT EITHER, IT'S TOO GLOWY."

"Well,  _I'm_  not going to!" Jeff protested.

"RHHHHAAAAAGGGHHH!" Samurai Goroh picked him up by his shirt and spiked him against the ground, burying him in the hardwood.

Lyn sighed. "I have to wonder if Master Hand didn't put any care at all into setting us up with suitable roommates. Still, at least it's not as bad as our neighbors…"

* * *

Next door, Ghirahim ran his overly long tongue across his lips, while leering.

"You're creeping me out, man," Magnus scowled.

"Tingle thinks he is a very strange man! If he is even a man, hmm?"

"You shut up. Your voice literally hurts to hear, and  _those_  things have already given me a tremendous headache."

The Color TV-Game 15 paddles continued noisily crashing into the floor and ceiling as they attempted to play I-can't-believe-it's-not-Pong in the cramped room.


	7. Clash of the Kleptomaniacs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author's Note:** Originally published 9/10/2015

"MMMMRRRRRRRIIIIIOOOO!" Peach's voice, muffled from within Nabbit's bag, rang out as the purple rabbit thief thing leaped and bounded across the Mushroom Kingdom with it. The others kept up as best as they could, but Nabbit was proving to be a little ball of boundless energy, and before long most of the Smash Bros. had to stop to catch their breath. They had chased it all the way across the cliffs and hills, and even up a large beanstalk, but were no closer to actually catching the thief.

The only two who still had stamina, Samus and Yoshi, simultaneously leapt at Nabbit in one last push, but were tragically cut short when a giant icicle fell from the sky and crashed down between them and their target. Yoshi flattened painfully against the wall of ice, while Samus bounced off and fell to the ground with a thud.

"Where did THAT come from?!" she squawked.

Nabbit giggled from behind the frozen obstacle, and leapt through a nearby rift, disappearing into another realm.

Mario put his hands on his knees and wheezed. "Why… does this always happen? Why… is she-a such a… magnet for this?"

Bowser shrugged. "She's just very… kidnappable. I look at her and I… just feel a compulsion to grab her and lock her away in my castle. Maybe it's a princess thing."

"I'm *hic* a prinshess!" Zelda added.

"No you're not. Princesses have class."

"Can we get going? That will be too far away to track it if we don't get in there now," said Samus, climbing up off the ground and melting the icicle with her Plasma Beam.

"Give me… a moment…" Shulk panted. "Heart… is in throat…"

"…Lemme feel that!" Zelda slumped over gracelessly onto Shulk and felt around his chest. "Nah, I can *hic* feel your spleen just fine. Ish still there, Red Linky." She continued feeling around his chest in an attempt to be seductive.

"Oh, I know that, it's just a saying…" Shulk stated, oblivious to Zelda's advances.

Pikachu raised an eyebrow at Link. "It doesn't piss you off to see your girl fondling another guy?"

Link raised an eyebrow back disinterestedly.

Zelda eventually realized she was getting nowhere and sulked, pulling out a beer bottle and bitterly sipping it.

"Okay, seriously, get through the damn hole, everyone," Samus ordered, grabbing Yoshi with the Grapple Beam and tossing them through to get the others moving as well.

"Alright, alright… Don't rush us," Mr. Game and Watch complained, marching through and being followed by the others. Samus entered last to make sure Pikachu didn't stay behind.

* * *

On the other side, they found a grassy field not unlike the one they had chased Nabbit through. The most notable difference was that this one wasn't an open wilderness; plenty of cozy-looking houses and dirt paths adorned the landscape, suggesting that this was in fact a village.

"Now, where's this?" Kirby wondered.

"Guys, look! FRUIT!" Yoshi cheerfully screamed over in the distance, pointing at a number of fruit trees. He promptly began eating apples, pears, cherries, lychees, and even lemons off of the trees. A stressed-looking individual- strangely enough an anthropomorphized dog -walked over to Yoshi.

"Um, excuse me, stranger? Please don't eat all the fruit off the trees. The mayor likes to gather them and sell them to other towns. Sir? Or, ma-am?"

Yoshi grinned and pulled a ripe durian off of a tree, the pungent smell repulsing Isabelle. "I'm sorry, but how can you enjoy those?!"

"It smells sweet to me!" Yoshi beamed, eating the whole thing, spikes and all.

Kirby thought for a moment. "Hey, Link?"

Link turned to look at him.

"You've got plenty of pocket space, right? You wouldn't mind taking about… ten of those durians?"

Link tilted his head.

"Nah, I'm not planning on cooking them, it's just… well, you'll see. I have plans for them that I think you'll like."

Link shrugged, and did as Kirby asked, holding his nose as he harvested the smelly fruit and stuffed them into his pouch. Isabelle returned, holding her nose as well.

"Uhm… sir? I haff to tell you thuh same thing I told him… Oh! You're a human!"

Mario blinked. "Are those-a rare in these parts?"

Isabelle noticed the large group and unplugged her nose. "Oh, a whole bunch of humans! …And some species I don't recognize?"

"This is Fox. Returning to base!" Fox proudly declared, pointing at himself with his thumb.

"Oh, yes, I can see you're a fox! Anyway, I'm sorry, but you picked a bad time to come and visit this town. There's been a rash of muggings and disappearing objects."

"Wow, either we  _really_  wasted a lot of time catching our breath, or news just spreads really fast here." Bowser muttered.

"Have you seen an unusual violet lagomorph around here?" Donkey Kong asked.

"Why, yes! Oh, I bet he's the one stealing things! See, that's what happens when you let  _rabbits_  live in your town! Ooh, maybe now the mayor will believe me and evict them…" She stormed off toward the town hall.

Pikachu watched her walk away. "Should we follow her? Maybe the mayor can help out."

Mr. Game and Watch rubbed his chin. "Hmm, if this is Smashville like I think it is, then we really ought to! The mayor's an old friend of mine, and he's a real fountain of knowledge. Not to mention a real hoot with his japes!"

"Wait, you're not talking about that old turtle, are you?" Kirby frowned.

"Yes, that old turtle! And don't call him old, whippersnapper!"

"But you just said he's old," Bowser smirked.

"Don't give me sass!"

The walk to the town hall was uneventful for the nonhuman cast, but every human in the group excluding Samus were pestered the entire way by various animal villagers making various odd demands of them.

"Can you catch a coelacanth for me?"

"I left my cactus at Avery's house! Please go get it for me!"

"Can you deliver these clothes to Mint? I think she'll like this moldy shirt I picked out for her!"

"Do you have a bug net? Please find me a scorpion!"

"Have you seen my mittens? I dropped them somewhere around here!"

"Can you give me a new catchphrase? My old one of 'I'm a fartface' is kinda old now."

"No, seriously, I want a coelacanth. Don't give me that look."

They tried to tune out the inane requests as best they could. Unfortunately, Mario was too busy plugging his ears that he didn't notice as he stepped onto a crack in the ground and sunk down to his chest.

"Help-a me!"

Bowser simply laughed.

"Ah, a Pitfall trap. Classic," Donkey Kong observed.

Shulk pulled Mario up, while observing the hole he left behind and the ever-encroaching horde of zombie-like villagers.

"Hey, guys? I think I've got an idea of how to get them off our backs."

A few minutes later, a line of holes had been dug in a square around the swarm of village animals, effectively trapping them in their own limited movement patterns.

"That should keep them busy for a while," Samus stated, dusting off her hands.

"We could've just roasted them, you know," Bowser suggested.

"Aww, but murder is wrong, Bowser!" Yoshi pleaded.

"I try to kill you and Mario on a regular basis. Do you really think I care about that?"

"…Yes?" Yoshi responded hopefully.

"Hey, anyone seen Link? Did he get lost?" Kirby observed, looking at the group.

"WE'RE HERE, KIDS!" Mr. Game and Watch yelled, opening the town hall's front door.

* * *

There was a chill inside the town hall, with dead silence beyond the loud ticking of a wall clock. Isabelle was standing behind the desk, looking stoic and formal now that she was in her office. The mayor's chair was swiveled away from them, putting Mr. Game and Watch into a state of unease.

"Uh… we're here to see the mayor," he stated.

"Welcome. Any appointments with the mayor need to be scheduled ahead of time," Isabelle answered. The other Smash Bros. seemed to pick up on Mr. Game and Watch's discomfort, and began to feel unsettled as well.

"That's odd. Surely Tortimer has time to say hello to an old friend of his, right?" Mr. Game and Watch asked, speaking to the back of the mayor's chair instead of Isabelle.

"Oh, I'm afraid that Mr. Tortimer is no longer… here."

"What?! Dangflabbit, we came all this way to see him!"

"He's been replaced. Our new mayor is not quite so lax with seeing common citizens… or foreigners, in your case."

"But it's about that-a thieving rabbit you mentioned!" Mario protested.

Isabelle perked up slightly, but still kept her tense demeanor. "Oh! Well, in that case, perhaps we can make an exception. Mr. Mayor, if you would?"

"Guys, I've got a bad feeling about this," Shulk whispered.

The swivel chair rotated, revealing the unnerving and unfaltering smile and stare of a young human, brown haired and short, but exuding an aura of pure menace.

Isabelle smiled. "Meet the new boss."

* * *

"Come on… come on… YEAH!"

Pac-Man ate the last pellet in the maze right as the ghosts were ready to converge on him. The ghosts disappeared and a message appeared off in the void congratulating him on a round clear.

"And that's how you survive in this maze, you two. Stick with me and we'll have you eating up dots in no time!"

Luigi raised his hand. "Um… a-actually, Mr. Pac-Man, we were hoping to find a way out of this place."

"Out… of this place?" Pac-Man rubbed his chin in confusion. "Why would you ever want to leave this maze? It's the only place where I've got an absolute pattern down. Now come on, let's go to the next level."

"Gonna have to agree with Luigi here, man. We want to get back to the mansion, not eat pixelly crap for the rest of our lives."

"But it's a jungle out there! Who knows what kinds of beasts, or pitfalls, or… weird rabbity thief things you might run into?"

"It's a chance we're willing to take. Besides, there's, like, zero women in here. I thought maybe the pink ghost was, but she's ignoring me anyway."

"Oh, my wife comes around these parts pretty often. But I'd rather not introduce her to you."

"Look, can we just leave?"

"Tch, fine. But if the three of us get devoured by some ugly, unpredictable creature out there, it's on your head. Your big… sorta creepy-eyed head."

"You're one to talk."

"C-can we stop-a arguing?" Luigi asked.

"Sure. Anyway, there's one of those rifty things you mentioned over outside the maze's boundaries. Hopefully my survival skills will still apply out there, wherever it brings us."

"Oh, thank god. I was getting a headache from all these glowy blue walls and stuff."

* * *

"So… I don't think I have to say this, but I  _really_  don't trust this guy. He's giving me the creeps," Pikachu whispered to Donkey Kong.

"Indeed. The cordiality, or facsimile thereof, of his smile puts me at unease. I also can't say I understand his need to pick up every loose trinket and piece of fruit we find along the way."

"Well, with Link apparently MIA, we obviously needed somebody else in the role of silent kleptomaniac with an uncomfortable array of weaponry," Bowser muttered back, having overheard.

"Aww, j-just give him a chance, guys! Never judge a book by its cover!" Yoshi weakly smiled.

"If the cover is carrying a dulled axe and a rusted-out shovel on his back, I think we can fairly judge it. Is that even rust, or is it blood?" Pikachu asked.

"Blood rusts," Bowser smirked.

Yoshi shuddered.

The mayor, apparently known solely as the "Villager", had been silently leading the Smash Bros. along a trail toward the last reported sighting of Nabbit. They had gone north out of the village, and after a long hike reached a large, bustling city street.

"I guess this isn't Smashville, then, is it? It's more of a Town and City, huh?" Kirby asked.

Villager simply turned to Kirby with his grin. At that moment a window in GracieGrace, the high-end fashion store, shattered to pieces accompanied by a scream.

"Sounds like we've found our wascally wabbit," Samus stated, cocking her arm cannon and kicking open the front door. Unfortunately, it was a sliding door, and as such bent out of its track and became jammed.

"Uh… I'm not paying to replace that."

The eponymous owner of the store, Gracie, ran up to them.

"Oh, you simply MUST help! A filthy  _rabbit_  broke into my store and has been putting its filthy shoes all over the furniture! …And also taking things without paying for them! It even stole my clerk and customers!" She pointed at Nabbit, who was hopping from furniture item to furniture item giggling and occasionally shoving items that tickled its fancy into the large sack it was carrying.

"Don't worry giraffe man… woman… uh, person! We're not going to let him escape us again!" Samus declared.

Everybody got into a battle pose and prepared to block Nabbit's escape, but Villager opted to instead simply walk up to the thief calmly, who tilted its head in confusion.

Villager smiled, before swinging his axe right at Nabbit's head. Nabbit quickly ducked and yanked Villager's axe away, stowing it in his sack. Villager looked at his empty palm, and then grabbed the sofa Nabbit was standing on out from under it, stuffing it into his own pocket.

Nabbit fell to the floor and let out a disgruntled sneer, grabbing a beehive out of its sack and tossing it at Villager. The beehive broke on impact, and a swarm of furious bees assaulted Villager. With a swiftness only rivalled by Wario's eating, Villager grabbed and pocketed each and every bee out of the air, foiling Nabbit's plan. He then pulled the bees back out, wadded them into a big ball, and threw them at Nabbit, who didn't expect it and was smacked backwards onto the ground.

"Is… is this a higher form of combat I was not aware of?" Kirby asked, watching the two thieves steal each other's items and weapons back and forth, only rarely scoring a hit on each other.

Villager pulled a slingshot out and slung a pebble at Nabbit, who caught it in its bag (An "Ow!" from one of the captured customers followed) before reaching in, pulling out Labelle, and tossing her at Villager. Villager used his bug net to catch the screaming porcupine like a lacrosse ball and fling her away, knocking down several mannequins. Nabbit swiftly grabbed the other end of the net before Villager could sheathe it, stuffing it away. As he did so Villager pulled out a bowling ball and dropped it on Nabbit's foot. Nabbit jumped in pain and hopped around the store, clutching his injured foot while Villager simply smiled.

Yoshi, Zelda, and Mr. Game and Watch took this as a cue to jump in and try and grab Nabbit, but even in its pained hops it managed to jump over Yoshi's tongue, grab it, tie it around Zelda and Game and Watch, and make a large leap up onto a shelf to continue nursing its foot. Yoshi swallowed his two allies.

"I got him! I got him!" Yoshi cheered before laying two eggs.

"You idiot, he's right over there!" Pikachu yelled.

Mr. Game and Watch broke out of his egg, jumped above Yoshi, and jammed a large key down against his back.

"Ouch! What did I do?!"

"You ATE me, you idiot!" Mr. Game and Watch drew his Judgment hammer and swung it upon Yoshi. A 7 displayed above his head, and Yoshi took some light damage while a small apple appeared between them.

"Oh, thanks!" Yoshi promptly ate the apple.

"Bah. Count your lucky stars that wasn't a nine."

"I am lucky, aren't I?" Yoshi beamed.

Zelda's egg simply rocked back and forth.

Villager hopped up onto the shelf and resumed his duel. Assorted random objects flew between the two thieves; some impacted with a painful thud, some were caught and pocketed, and some were subsequently returned to sender. The two moved closer and closer to each other as they dueled, and finally, Nabbit swung his burlap sack forward in an attempt to simply steal Villager himself; at the exact same time Villager grabbed Nabbit's arm, to pocket him.

The two thieves stole each other, collapsing into a spatial paradox, and the universe shut down.

* * *

A beeping alarm woke Masahiro Sakurai, who was asleep at his desk. He turned to the source of the noise, a blinking orange light on the edge of his desk labelled "Animal Crossing universe", and sighed. The tired creator woke up his computer, and read the error message displayed on the screen: "animal_crossing . world has encountered an error and must close. We are sorry for the inconvenience." He then closed the message, rebooted the crashed program, and went back to sleep as it whirred to life.

* * *

As they snapped back into existence, everyone in GracieGrace rubbed their heads in confusion.

"What just happened?" Shulk asked.

"I have no idea, but I feel like every bone in my body broke, then healed, then was turned to jelly, and then was made solid again," Pikachu grunted.

Nabbit stumbled around, its bag of goods resting on the ground a distance away it. It noticed the bag, and reeled back in shock, now defenseless and lootless. Right as it lunged forward to grab the bag, the end of a clawshot fired forward, grasping the sack and pulling it back to Link, who had finally caught up. Nabbit stomped its foot in fury, ran at Link, jumped off of his head, and ran out the door, abandoning its loot.

"Well, that's taken care of. Still feel like I just got sucked through a drain, though," Bowser muttered, snatching the sack from Link.

"Bowser, don't you dare," Mario glared.

"Oh, come on. I'm not going to run off with it." He reached in, pulled out several panicked villagers, before finally finding Peach.

"And there we go."

"Oh, Mario, thank you!" the princess smiled.

"Oh, uh, it was-a hard work, but I pulled through!" Mario boasted.

"You didn't do shit," Bowser grunted. "Link and that creepy mayor kid did all the heavy lifting on this one."

"Oh, I'm sure my Mario contributed something!" Peach kissed Mario on the forehead as he doffed his hat. Bowser and just about everyone else rolled their eyes.

"Anyway, I have a question for you, Link. Why are you exhausted, and why are you carrying a cactus and a big scraggy ugly fish?" Bowser asked.

Pikachu interjected. "Obviously he's been off running all those errands the villagers assigned us. Guy can't resist sidequests. This place is like hell for him."

Zelda burst out of her Yoshi egg. "I'm… send you on quest, Link! Get me some meade, those bees made me want shome."

Link ignored Zelda. He put down his goods and picked up the abandoned loot bag, sticking his head in to take a look at all the items and assorted goodies Nabbit had stolen from dimension to dimension.

"Oh, there's a lot of stolen property in there, I bet," Samus noticed. "We should probably get around to returning it, or… something."

Pikachu smacked Samus with the coelacanth. "Ignore her, Link. Looks like there's a lot of cool stuff in there, huh? You should totally steal it for us."

"Don't listen to him, Link. You know right from wrong."

Link began to sweat and bite his lip.

"C'mooon… be awesome and take the bag. Nobody else will know!"

"Well, Link? Are we doing the moral, just thing, or are we giving in to your kleptomania?"

* * *

The walk back to the town hall was fairly uneventful. Having successfully defeated Nabbit, the Smash Bros. were invited in to speak with Isabelle, who would discuss the aftermath on the mayor's behalf.

"I STILL can't believe we took the sack," Samus grunted, glaring at Link.

"No, we absolutely did not. We compromised," Pikachu grinned.

"Pouring everything out of the bag, taking all the  _contents_ , and then leaving the sack itself behind does not constitute a compromise."

"Shut up or I'll compromise  _you_ ," Bowser growled at both Pikachu and Samus.

Link greedily clutched his item bag, grinning.

"And so in conclusion, this insurgency by an extradimensional being has opened the town's eyes. We cannot simply sit idly by as reality becomes tangled in ways it isn't meant to be. As such, our mayor shall be formally joining your 'Smash Bros.' group as a member. I trust that is okay with all of you?" Isabelle concluded her speech with a smile.

"No complaints-a here. Well, none I'm-a willing to say."

"Your pickpocketing paedarchical politician has proven himself potent, parlous though he may be."

Link shrugged.

"I'm… never gonn' get upset by more people! *hic* The mer the morrier!"

"Yeah, he's fine. Even if he does creep me out," Samus finished.

"Good. I did not wish to be accountable for any… incident that would occur had you said no," Isabelle finished, an insincere grin across her face. She then dropped the smile and glared directly at Link with soul-piercing eyes not unlike her boss. "By the way, you'll need to pay us 5000 Bells for those durians you took, Link."

Link scowled and pulled out a sack of Bells he earned from all his errand-running.

"Thank you."

* * *

"This concludes my report on all structural damage and missing items of importance, as per your parameters." R.O.B. reported.

"Hmm… This is distressing. Good job, R.O.B. Go take some time off, or do… whatever it is you do when I don't have a task or a match for you.

"Affirmative. Acquiring stack-up disks…" R.O.B. exited the new office.

Master Hand sighed. A number of important things disappeared along with chunks of the mansion, including some old training equipment, documents on the full roster for this tournament, and even some rare materials for building and experimentation.

"I can only hope they're at the bottom of an ocean or in deep space, and not in the wrong hands."

The sound of Crazy Hand's approaching laughter caused Master Hand to tense up.

"Ah, but wait a minute… this should be a good test."

Master Hand inwardly grinned, and anticipated the moment Crazy Hand would impact the office wall.

"…hoohooHAAHAAHEHHAHAHA-" *WHAM* "-sonovabitch!"

The office shook slightly at the impact, but Crazy Hand didn't even leave a hand-shaped dent, let alone demolish it. He floated in through the large door like a normal person, shaking himself to try and ease the pain in his fingers.

"Your walls hurt!"

"Yes. Serves you right for trying to crash through them."

"But I gotta! I'm CRAZY HAND! …It's what I do!"

"I lined the walls with solid Nintendium. The incident warped away most of my supply, but I still had enough to make my office indestructible."

"Curses! I'm so achy that I'm not feeling crazy anymore. I need to go take my medication!"

He rocketed out of the room. Master Hand closed the door behind him, and returned to his chair.

"Hmm… There haven't been any new dimensional anomalies since the initial batch. I can only hope that whoever caused those is done, and won't be causing any further trouble. Now, to see about closing off the remaining rifts…"

Master Hand tensed up again.

"I guess I could contact  _it_ , but it's still bitter about being left out of Brawl… Maybe later. Now, I wonder how my troops are doing?"

* * *

"So, you're sure you saw another rift over by the beach?" Shulk asked.

Link nodded, leading the group down to the south end of the village.

"Ugh, I don't WANT to go somewhere else just now. We've been running around for, like, a whole day. I need my beauty rest," Pikachu complained.

"He does have a point. My blood sugar is low, and it has been quite some time since we embarked," Donkey Kong agreed.

Mario thought on this, and yawned, the tiredness and exhaustion all catching up to him at once. "Well, we're not in any rush anymore… Why not?"

"If we're going to get any rest anywhere, this is the dimension to do it in," Samus added.

Link reached into his item bag and began pulling out assorted camping equipment.

Samus continued. "After all, aside from that Nabbit incident there's absolutely no hostiles in this area… besides maybe a beehive or scorpion or two."

* * *

Off in the far distance, beyond the cliffs bordering the village, two hostile pairs of eyes observed the Smash Bros.

"They are resting, brother."

"Indeed, I see that, brother. They leave themselves wide open!"

"Once they're all asleep, BAM! We go in, and tear them to ribbons!"

"No, brother, we shall SHOOT them to ribbons!"

"You can't  _shoot_  people to ribbons, brother."

"Then we shall shoot them to…"

"Swiss cheese?"

"No thanks, I prefer queso fresco."

"I'm a fan of a nice, strong brie myself, but-  _focus_ , brother!"

"You're the one talking about cheeses, brother."

"Because you got me started on it!"

"No, you did! By making me have to finish your sentence for you! And we're NOT shooting them! Blades are much more elegant!"

"Well, guns make cooler sounds and you don't have to get all up in their ugly faces!"

"Blades!"

"Guns!"

"BLADES!"

"GUNS!"

"GUNS!"

"BLADES! And that's final!"

"Okay, you win, brother. Blades it is."

"Hah! You're so easy to manipulate, brother."


	8. Double Trouble

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author's Note:** This chapter holds the distinction of being the first chapter shorter than its predecessor, at around 4,416 words to its 4,558.
> 
> The next chapter is even shorter, though.
> 
> Originally published 9/27/15

"Oh, screw you, Kirby!"

Pikachu fumed as he tossed the durians out of his tent, holding his nose. Kirby began cackling wildly from in his tent.

Setting up the campsite didn't take long, and as the clock struck eleven PM the Smash Bros. prepared to take a much-needed rest for the night.

"Good night, everyone!"

"Good night, Shulk," Kirby responded.

"Good night, Kirby!" Yoshi continued.

Zelda was already asleep.

"Good night, Yoshi," Mario added.

"…," Link responded.

"…," Villager agreed.

"Good night, you two," Samus chirped in.

"Enjoy your rest, Ms. Aran," Donkey Kong added.

"You too, Dr. Kong," Shulk looped back around.

"What are we, the damn Waltons?! Everybody shut up," Pikachu yelled from his tent.

Mr. Game and Watch's creaky voice joined in "Yeah! Don't you kids know to keep quiet at night?! How am I supposed to sleep with you all raising a ruckus- zzzzzz…"

Eventually, they all fell asleep at some point or another. The quartet of eyes watching in the distance noticed.

"They are asleep, brother."

"Indeed, I see that, brother. Now we move in."

The wheels below them whirred into motion, and the duo slowly drove up to the campsite.

* * *

"So… are you SURE we didn't just shrink?" Robin asked nervously, checking out a flower pot that was the size of a house. The tree-sized dandelions dotting the landscape and skyscraper-sized trees in the distance made him feel uncomfortably small.

"Yes. This dimension is just… bigger." Meta Knight answered.

Lucina prodded at a large stalk with a big red pellet growing in its flower. "Such a strange flower. And not very pretty, at that. Why did someone paint a big '5' on it?"

"That's just how they grow here. It's a weird place."

As if to emphasize Meta Knight's point, some large green grubs crawled past, piling onto a gigantic plum. Given the scale of the setting, they were a little larger than Meta Knight and up to Robin and Lucina's waists.

"EEEUUUUGHH! WHAT ARE THOSE THINGS?!" Lucina yelled, climbing up onto Robin's shoulders and pointing her sword in their direction.

"Ow! Get off of me!"

"Not until you either kill those or get far, FAR away!"

Meta Knight sighed. "They're just some bugs."

"Yeah, I don't like large bugs."

"They're just eating fruit!"

"Please get off!" Robin protested.

"I don't care if they're eating fruit. Look at their horrifying little eyes and hideous mouths!"

They glanced over at the Swarming Sheargrubs, but they and the plum were gone; Wario sat where they used to be, looking satisfied and licking his fingers.

Meta Knight sighed. "Well, that settles that issue. Thank you, walking deus ex machina."

The party of four marched on, looking for any portal with which to continue their journey. They came to a halt when they found a progression of Blue Pikmin marching single file past them, each carrying an old, worn tile.

"Okay, now what are THESE things?" Robin asked.

"Whatever they are, they are a lot more charming than the bugs," Lucina added. She reached down her perch to stroke a Pikmin's leaf as it passed. It completely ignored her touch, focused single-mindedly on transporting its piece.

"You two are just full of questions today, huh? These are Pikmin. And if they're moving in organized patterns, it means one of our brethren is likely nearby issuing commands."

"You mean a Smash Brother lives here? If he's one of those grubs, I'm resigning."

"No, he doesn't, and no, he's not. He's an extraterrestrial who flies to this planet occasionally to order the Pikmin around and have them collect treasure for him. …That sounded a lot less evil in my head."

"Well, we're extraterrestrials here too, so we have that in common!" Robin chimed in pointlessly.

"I should warn you, though, he's a little… odd."

Robin looked at the weird round bat-like thing in a mask, and the obese man who was currently attempting to eat his own foot.

"Yeah… I get the sense that 'odd' is going to be a theme with you guys. I'm not sure what we've gotten ourselves into."

"So these poor Pikmin just do his bidding? What do they get out of it?" Lucina asked.

"From what he's told me, nothing except the satisfaction of a job well done… Oh, and their species gets bumped up a few notches on the food chain when he's in command, so good for them. Speaking of which… don't let them carry you. It won't end well."

Robin backed away from the Pikmin.

* * *

Shulk exited his tent, unable to sleep. A small walk near the beach seemed like it would help, but on the way there he found Yoshi sitting on a tree stump, staring up into the night sky.

"Uh… hey, Yoshi. Why are you still awake?"

Yoshi turned, a troubled frown on his face. "I can't sleep. I keep wondering why they call it a 'tomato' when it's red but a 'potato' when it's brown."

"Those aren't the same things at all… You must not have many cares in the world if that's what's keeping you up, huh?"

"Nope!" Yoshi grinned, any puzzlement forgotten about. "Though… I  _also_  kinda wonder what that thing is that keeps getting closer."

Shulk took one look at the object in question, and immediately sprinted back to the campsite in a panic.

"Huh, I wonder why he's worried about-"

The incoming object launched a large missle at him.

" _Ohhh_ , I see!"

* * *

Shulk managed to get back to the campsite, taking a second to catch his breath before yelling out loud enough to wake his comrades.

"Everyone, wake up! We're under attack!"

Right as he finished yelling, an explosion sounded in the distance and Yoshi was sent flying just above his head, unconscious.

"Damnit, brother, we agreed to use my swords!"

"Sorry, brother, I couldn't resist! He was just sitting there begging to be missile'd!"

The other Smash Bros., sans Yoshi, Zelda, and Mr. Game and Watch, had woken up and stepped outside just in time to witness their ambush party arrive. The massive, two-bodied machine known as Duon wheeled into the campsite, blade-hands whirring and hand-cannons glowing.

The pink head spoke. "S'up, bitches? Remember us?"

* * *

Meta Knight and Robin were exhausted, having marched for about two and a half hours. The trail of Blue Pikmin turned out to be a lot longer than they expected, stretching across hills, ponds, and even through small caverns. Wario didn't show any signs of slowing down, and Lucina wasn't exhausted at all riding on Robin's shoulders.

"…Why am I still carrying you? Get off!"

"Oh, fine. It was fun while it lasted."

"I'm so glad you take pleasure in exploiting me."

One way or another, they had reached the end of the trail, where the Pikmin were using the tiles to construct a makeshift bridge.

Meta Knight cleared his throat. "Is that you, Olimar?"

Overseeing the bridge's construction was a little alien man who perked up at the sound of his name. He turned around and observed the party of four that had followed his Pikmin trail.

"How strange… these lifeforms are not ones I have ever seen before on this planet. I should investigate whether they are hostile or not."

Olimar pulled out a holographic journal and began dictating his notes as he studied them, getting up close and prodding at the four.

"It's me, man. Meta Knight. Remember?"

Olimar inspected the fabric of his cape, then observed him from the front, unimpressed.

"This particular specimen vaguely resembles an individual I once competed against in a strange tournament. However, this one seems to be out of shape and worn out. Perhaps it is an older variant of the same species?"

"Excuse me?! I'm very much still in my prime! I can still rock!"

"And these two… though one resembles a 'Marth', the other is of a heretofore unseen species. How exciting!"

"Uh… pleased to make your acquaintance?" Robin spoke, confused.

"Ah, it appears to be capable of communication. However, as it is not wearing a spacesuit I can only assume it is a native of this planet. Perhaps an undiscovered species of Pikmin?" Olimar frantically scribbled on his notepad. He then blew into the whistle on his helmet, causing Robin and Lucina to plug their ears.

"OWCH!"

"Ah… they do not respond positively to the whistle. Perhaps my initial hypothesis was mistaken."

"We're not Pikmin!" Lucina complained. "Speaking of which, where are they going?"

She followed the trail with her eyes, and saw that Wario had buried himself up to his chin smack dab in the middle of their path, with his mouth open. The Pikmin obliviously marched into his maw to their deaths, screaming in agony as they were swallowed.

Olimar noticed this too and eagerly ran over to investigate, unconcerned with the loss of Pikmin and bridge tiles it was causing. "Ah, how fascinating! This creature has learned to exploit Pikmin patterns for its own nourishment. Of the four odd creatures I discovered today, perhaps this is the most intelligent? I shall call this particular species  _Homo Devorabitus_."

"Okay, that's enough, bub. We've got a tournament to reach." Meta Knight grabbed the back of Olimar's spacesuit and began dragging him along while he continued jotting down notes in his scientific journal.

"How bizarre. It seems I am once again being kidnapped by the fauna of this planet. Perhaps they intend to worship me as a god?"

"Is there any way to get him to shut up?" Lucina asked.

"Just give him some time, eventually he snaps out of it. Kinda. Also… do I really look out of shape?"

"I wouldn't know how you looked before, sir."

"Kickass."

"Then… yes? Somewhat?"

"Your opinion is hereby revoked. Robin, do I look out of shape?"

"Don't involve me in this!"

"Damnit! I'm still cool! …Speaking of which, do you have ice magic, Robin?"

"No, I never encountered any of that in my time in the army."

"Well, you're gonna need it."

"Why?"

"All will be revealed in due time."

"…No, all will be revealed now."

"Look, just get some ice magic."

Robin glanced around the vast wilderness, before facing Meta Knight. "Sure, let me go buy some from that big crab thing over there," he droned sarcastically, pointing his thumb back.

The big crab thing in question scuttled over and nearly sheared Robin in half a moment later, leading to an intense and wacky escape sequence, but that's a story for another time. Unfortunately, it did not have any ice magic for sale.

* * *

"YATATATATATATATA!"

Duon-P fired off shot after shot from its hands, attempting to blast holes through Mario, Villager, Samus, and Pikachu.

"You said they were asleep! This is not an ambush, it's a fair fight! And that's not fair for us!" Duon-B yelled to its back, while parrying attacks from Link, Shulk, Donkey Kong, and Bowser. Peach, Fox, and Kirby had managed to stay to Duon's side, attacking one of the large wheels at the joint of their bodies.

"But it's more fun this way! Now we get to watch them futilely struggle against our might as we  _rrrrip_  their bodies to shreds!" Duon-P fired a large blue laser from the cannon on its head, blasting Samus in the chest and exploding the ground near Pikachu.

"Fair enough." Duon-B swung its own head down, the large blade on its forehead nearly cleaving Bowser in half.

"So… who are these guys?! Are they Mechon?!" Shulk asked, just barely blocking Duon-B's sword-arm from sliding through his ribcage.

Duon-B paused. "Well, we are machines, but I think they're only called Mechon in your worl-"

Bowser's dropkick connected with Duon-B's base, catching it off guard.

"Bastard! I thought we were taking a break to exposit!"

Bowser scoffed. "Weren't you JUST talking about trying to catch us off guard?"

"Well, yes, but-"

Bowser blew a stream of fire at its face, melting part of its jaw.

Samus spoke up. "Anyway, Shulk, we fought these two- One? One-and-a-half? -before. Last tournament, a bunch of clones of Game and Watch sorta congealed together into it. They were part of the Subspace Army. …Is that what we're dealing with here?"

Duon-P narrowly dodged her charge shot, and fired from both its arms. "Hah, like we'd tell YOU anything! …But no, we're not. Subspace is old news. Our glorious new mistress found our remains and had her scientists rebuild us! Better! Faster! Stronger!"

To show off its point, it fired off its own version of a charge shot. Before the sphere could vaporize Samus, Fox jumped in and reflected it back at Duon-P, who activated its own reflector, bouncing it up into the night sky where it vaporized the mailpelican.

"Anyway, all you need to know is that we're here to kill all of you! Slice you to ribbons and pull you apart like a delicious roast pork loin!"

"And shoot you to swiss cheese!" Duon-P interjected.

"But mostly slice you up." Duon-B spun its left hand like a drill and thrust it forward at Link, who struggled to keep his shield pressed against the force.

"Guys? Wouldn't it be easier if we only fought one of them at a time?" Kirby asked.

"That's… a good point. Everybody, focus on-a the blue one!"

"Roger, general!" Fox began peppering Duon-B with his blaster, while those who were fighting Duon-P dodged around his shots to get to the other side.

"Aww, now I have to sit out?! I wanted to blast you all to bits!" it pouted.

"Why do you two just keep talking about how much you want to destroy us? It's kinda repetitive," Pikachu asked.

"It's what we are built for! The total termination of the Super Smash Bros.! Or, well, what we are repurposed for. Our mistress will settle for nothing less…"

"Tell your mistress she can settle for sucking my di-"

Before Pikachu could finish, Duon leapt up into the air and crashed down upon him, leaving him embedded into the ground and unconscious.

"Hah! Nice one! Now tag me in, brother!" Duon-P pleaded.

Duon-B ignored its brother and focused its assault upon Fox, who was still spamming his blaster. While he was distracted, Bowser stormed over to Link.

"Hey, kid. What items you got in there?"

Link shrugged, and reached into his item bag to fish around for anything useful they may have taken from Nabbit. After some searching, he pulled out an X-Bomb.

"Huh, well that's new. How do you think it works?"

Bowser tried fiddling with the bomb, and eventually set it off. The X-pattern on it blinked red before erupting into a cross-shaped explosion, damaging Duon but also gravely injuring many of the Smash Bros and levelling some trees and houses.

"Uh… whoops," Bowser muttered, charred, before falling over.

Zelda burst out of her tent through the circular hole the bomb had left through it.

"Somethin… going on out here?!"

"Oh, good! She looks like she'd be fun to cut up!" Duon-B grinned, wheeling over to her.

While Duon was distracted trying to keep up with Zelda's erratic movements, Link reached into the bag again, feeling a familiar shape against his palm. Excitedly, he pulled out the Smash Ball, and crushed it in his palm, its power flowing into him and endowing him with a menacing aura.

Duon-B noticed this. "Ah, crap… Hey, brother! Would you like to tag in now?"

Duon rotated 180 degrees.

"Hah! I thought you'd never ask! Let me at 'em! I'll-"

Link activated his Final Smash, trapping Duon-P in Triforce energy. Link rushed forward and began cleaving through its chassis, lopping off its arm guns and splitting its body and head open vertically like a big metal hot dog bun. As the Smash Ball's power wore off, Link fell to the ground, and Duon-P slumped forward, dead. The still-living half quickly swiveled around and backhanded Link away.

"Did you just use your own conjoined twin as a living shield? That's really cold," Samus remarked, stunned.

"Meh, what other use was I gonna get out of him?" Duon shrugged, sincerely confused by her reaction. It then swung his head down, striking Samus and crippling her suit. "Now, who else is still standing? Let's make this a good fight, Mistress Cia is sure to give me a promotion to council member if I come back with a war story!"

* * *

"So… this is what it's like outside the maze, huh?"

Pac-Man took in the scenery, such as the large cliffs and glittering ponds.

"I don't like it. Let's go back." He turned to walk back through the portal, but was grabbed and pulled away by Ness.

"So… what place is this?" Luigi asked, glancing nervously around.

"I dunno. How should I know?" Ness responded. A moment later, however, he perked up. "Oh! This is my world! But like a gazillion years into the future. Lucas told me all about it."

Luigi exhaled in relief. "So… then you-a know your way around?"

"Nope! Did you not hear the 'future' part?"

A fish with the head and feet of a Dalmatian jumped up out of the water and strutted around, tongue hanging out. Luigi screamed and ran back through the portal.

"Oh, sure,  _he_  gets to go back but  _I_  have to stay here with the freaky dog thing," Pac-Man growled.

Luigi emerged a moment later, disheartened. "The ghosts respawned."

"Good. Let's get moving."

The trio worked their way through the woods as quietly and quickly as they could, avoiding all the bizarre chimeras they encountered along the way.

"Man… is your wildlife  _supposed_  to be like this?" Pac-Man asked Ness, observing a cow-snake hybrid eating grass.

"Nah, my idiot neighbor apparently had his scientists make these things."

"Well, I suppose I can learn to adapt to them. It's no maze of pellets, and no ghosts, but it'll do."

Luigi glanced off into the distance at a pink orb that was headed in their general direction.

"Is… is that Kirby?"

Ness noticed. "I don't know. It could be Jigglypuff."

The ball got closer, kicking up a trail of dust behind it. Whoever it was, it was clearly headed toward them. In time, its dainty features and large blue eyes became visible.

"FUCKERS!" it yelled in a gruff, masculine voice.

"Yep, it's Jigglypuff," Ness noted.

* * *

"Ah, gods, it hurts…" Robin moaned as Meta Knight attempted to bandage up the deep gash along his belly.

"Stop whining. You're lucky I reminded myself to bring medical supplies."

"Where do you even keep that?" Lucina asked, puzzled.

"Same place I keep the garlic."

"That doesn't answer anything!"

"You really need to chill out. Also, to segue again into this, we need ice magic, Robin."

"Where am I possibly supposed to get that?!" Robin yelled, shifting and causing his wound to re-open. "AGH, MAKE IT STOP!"

Olimar observed the blood spilling out. "Ah, red blood. This 'Robin' creature must have an iron-based bloodstream." He prodded the fissure, causing more blood to leak out and Robin to scream in pain.

"Captain Olimar, I'm going to have to ask that you NOT agitate his wound," Lucina scolded.

Olimar raised an eyebrow in confusion. "But this is excellent information for my logbook. The scientific community will shower me in praise and riches for documenting new species such as yourself!"

"You cannot just treat us like… like experiments!"

"Well, no, 'experiment' would imply I am conducting tests on you. I'm just observing that which already presents itself."

"It's still impolite."

Meta Knight finally finished patching Robin up.

"All set. Now get up. Slowly."

Robin very carefully got back up onto his feet, clutching at his wound to try and keep it from opening again.

"Good to go?" Meta Knight asked.

"Not really, but I've had worse."

"Shake it off. Now, Olimar, have you seen any other rifts around besides the one we came from?"

"Yes. My Pikmin have been retrieving various artifacts and treasures from one I observed in the Twilight River."

"Can you take us there?"

"I suppose, but I still have work to do here today. Perhaps when-"

A chime on Olimar's suit went off, signifying the onset of night.

"Oh, dear, we've wasted quite a lot of time. I must retrieve all my Pikmin and bring them back to the landing site. I would suggest you meet me there."

He ran off to where the remaining Blue Pikmin were finishing their bridge.

"What's so urgent about night?" Robin asked.

As if on cue, a nasty growl resonated from the plant growth nearby, as nocturnal predators began waking up. Lucina, Meta Knight, and Robin glanced at each other briefly before breaking into two sprints and a hobble respectively, in the direction of Olimar's ship. When they got there, they found the large Onion that the Pikmin evidently lived in, and a rusted red-and-white rocket ship with two cockpits.

"Ugh, he expects us to all fit into that hunk of junk?" Meta Knight groaned.

The nosecone of the ship whirred to life, and projected a voice from its speaker.

"BZZZZT! 'Hunk of junk'?! I do not know what lifeforms you three are, but you are most definitely not welcome within my hull!"

"Olimar said he would give us a lift!" Lucina pleaded, not quite registering that she was talking to a spaceship.

"I don't care what the captain said! I am the glorious Hocotate Freight Cargo Transport Ship Mk. VII, and I deem you unworthy of my assistance or transportation!" As if to signify its point, the ship locked up all its access points and then rotated its nosecone in such a way as to turn its back on them.

Meta Knight danced around on the spot nervously, unsure of what to do. Night was falling, and more and more nocturnal creatures were stirring. The three of them jumped in surprise every time a nearby plant rustled, vague shadows prowling about in the distance.

"Come on, where is he?!" Robin glanced around, looking for any sign of the spaceman. The sounds around them began to quiet down, creating an eerie calmness.

"WAH!"

"AGH!" Robin yelped as he fell down onto his rear, startled by Wario yelling right by his ear.

"Ah, excellent, you're all here," Olimar noted, a (significantly reduced) squad of Blue Pikmin and Wario marching behind him. "Interesting. I will have to add 'decent pathfinding abilities' to my documents on these creatures…"

"Your ship won't let us in!" Meta Knight informed him.

"I see. Ship, is this true?"

"Not without good reason, Olimar! These three creatures attempted to damage my exterior, so I entered lockdown mode as per protocol 2.75.63-"

"None of that is true!" Lucina protested.

"Very well. They  _insulted_  my exterior."

"Ship, you must let us in for the night."

"If you insist. You  _are_  the captain, after all. However, I'm not sure how you possibly expect to fit five individuals into two cockpits."

"We shall manage."

* * *

Lucina squirmed on her half of the chair, trying to get comfortable despite being squished against both the glass dome and an equally-uncomfortable Robin. Even one of them was too large to fit properly in the back cockpit, let alone both of them.

"Wouldn't it make more sense for one of  _us_  to be up there with Olimar instead of you?" she asked.

"He doesn't breathe oxygen, so we're having it specially pumped into your cabin and the treasure hold. Besides, Meta Knight  _never_  rides anything but shotgun!"

"What on earth is a shotgun?"

Olimar finished pressing some buttons in the front cockpit, Meta Knight resting on the arm of his chair. "Are we clear for launch?"

The ship's AI rang out. "Affirmative. This 'Wario' creature is secure within the treasure storage compartment, and oxygen levels are normal. However, it has begun to consume some of our treasures. I recommend ejecting it."

Meta Knight interjected. "No, it's fine. We can get them out later."

"I do not want to store filthy, slimy treasures! Also, I do believe it is flatulating repeatedly and excessively. I am thankful that I do not possess smell receptors."

Olimar began a countdown. "Prepare for liftoff in five… four…"

"Hey, so you guys know what a spaceship is?" Meta Knight called back to the other two.

"I assume a boat that sails through… space?" Robin replied, attempting to dislodge his foot from between the chair and Lucina's leg.

"Three…"

"Kinda. Anyway, to escape surface gravity, they have to blast off with a  _lot_  of force. In fact- Actually, why don't I let you two just experience it yourselves?"

"Two… one…"

"Hold on, now I'm quite nervous. What is going to happen?" Lucina asked.

"Liftoff!"

The rocket's engines blasted, the ship lifting up off the ground at tremendous speed. Meta Knight snickered at the horrified yells coming from behind as the ship's back two passengers were subjected to a tremendous amount of G's for the first time in their lives. The Onion back on the surface folded in its legs and hovered up, remaining high in the stratosphere while the rocket continued upward, disappearing beyond the night sky. And in low orbit outside the planet's atmosphere it would remain, until daylight returned and it was safe to land again.


	9. Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author's Nine:** Nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine. Nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine. Nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine. Nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine. Nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine. Nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine. Nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine. Nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine. Nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine.
> 
> Published 9/9/99

The battle against Duon raged on, albeit narrowed down. Only a few Smashers remained standing, the others incapacitated. DK, Zelda, Shulk, Kirby, and Villager remained, still fighting. Duon's assault was swift and merciless, and potentially fatal. The Smash Bros. had not given up yet, however. Now catching their second wind, they stood against it. Duon's fighting energy remained high, relishing in the bloodshed. The two sides clashed, blades whirring and fists flying. Unfortunately, it was clear Duon had the upper hand.

A swift uppercut from Duon knocked the Villager skyward. Satisfied that he was gone, Duon focused on Kirby. Villager drifted back down on balloons, floating behind it. He reached into his pocket and retrieved a slingshot. Squinting, he aimed at the back of its head. He then pelted the machine with seeds and rocks. Duon turned around, its glare meeting Villager's unfaltering smile. It shoulder-checked the Villager, smacking him into the ocean. The creepy boy washed up on the beach, unconscious.

With Villager down, it was now four on one. Donkey Kong and Kirby rushed Duon, attacking opposite sides. It parried their attacks, keeping up with the assault. Duon then screamed in pain, something spearing its back. Shulk had climbed onto Duon-P's corpse, attacking from behind. He then yanked the Monado out, widening the wound. Duon lashed around wildly, rapidly spinning to dislodge him. Shulk was flung off, but landed on his feet. Duon faced him, preparing to mercilessly run him through.

Shulk leapt back out of range, but Duon smirked. It crossed its arms, swinging them in an X-shape. Shulk grimaced, the resulting vacuum creating a deadly shockwave. The attack traveled out from its swords, toward Shulk. Kirby jumped in the way, shielding him from harm. The attack blew Kirby downward against the ground, painfully. He struggled to pull himself up, weakened and vulnerable. With a swift motion, Duon prepared to finish him. Before it could, a powerful punch struck its wheel.

"Desist immediately, troglodyte!" Donkey Kong yelled, getting its attention.

"Fine, fine. You can die first if you want."

Duon reared its head back, the forehead blade gleaming. DK sized up his opponent, looking for weak points. Duon was bigger, faster, and stronger than Donkey Kong. The first member of the DK crew needed strategy. To the side, he noticed a convenient coconut palm. Right as Duon slammed down, he quickly leapt sideways. Donkey Kong quickly scrambled up the palm, to safety. He grabbed coconuts from the tree, tossing them downward. They were thrown in spurts, which has gotta hurt.

"You know, that's just really, really annoying." Duon scowled.

Running out of valid targets, Duon turned to Zelda. She snapped out of her stupor, realizing the danger. Momentarily sober, she called upon her new secret weapon. Gathering summoning magic, she focused on her home dimension. A Phantom armor emerged from behind her, rushing forward. It struck hard as DK continued his nutty assault. Fed up, Duon resorted to his  _own_  secret weapon. He yelled as his shoulders opened up, cannons emerging. It was then that he launched grenades upon them.

"My brother wasn't the only one with projectile attacks!"

The grenades exploded, knocking Zelda down on her face. Kirby was caught in the blast, and launched away. Shulk braced himself against the explosion, sword planted downward. As the dust settled, Duon admired his carnage lasciviously. Zelda groggily climbed to her feet, and looked around. DK had caught Kirby, and Shulk was still standing. They gathered together, and had a brief strategy huddle. The four of them finished, broke up, and turned. At once, they all rushed forward as a team.

Duon looked at the fighters charging him, and chuckled. He revved up his motorized swords and plowed forward. Zelda and Kirby barely dodged, but others weren't lucky. Donkey Kong and Shulk were struck, and knocked away. DK fell to the ground, wounded across the chest. Shulk had blocked, but was thrown against a tree. Duon skidded to a stop next to a tent. Mr. Game and Watch stepped out, rubbing his eyes. He looked at the robot and fighters, and scowled.

"Can't you kids pipe down?! You woke me up!"

"Oh! Hi, grandpa Game and Watch! …Say 'hi', brother!"

Duon-P hung limply. Duon-B blinked. "Oh, right, I forgot."

"I ain't your grandpa! Now  _get off my lawn_!"

Mr. Game and Watch ran up to the machine. He then swung his Judgment hammer, striking against it. Upon impact, the number nine displayed above his head. Time seemed to freeze, as everyone stared in shock. An instant later, Duon rocketed away screaming and flailing. The machine blasted through the sky at mach speed. Before long it disappeared into the stratosphere, gone forever. Mr. Game and Watch then put his hammer away. He turned to face his compatriots and grinned smugly.

"And THAT'S what happens when you wake me up."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nine nueve kyuu tissa.


	10. Throwing a Fit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author's Note:** To explain the strange format of the previous chapter for those who didn't catch on: The main body of the text is composed of 9 paragraphs, each containing 9 sentences, each with 9 words. There's also 9 single-line paragraphs interspersed, each of which also contains 9 words. Finally, adding in the Author's Note (Which itself is 81 instances of the word "nine" distributed between 9 sentences, as well) and ending bit, the chapter as a whole contains 900 total words and 5445 total characters, which is a multiple of 9. It might not read elegantly, but it was a fun format to write in.
> 
> Of course, that was the case on Fanfiction.net. Archive Of Our Own might not align precisely due to differences in formatting.
> 
> Originally published 2/4/16

"So… to conclude your report, Major Duon, you 'were blasted into the night sky by your own grandpa', and are now in orbit above Smashville. And also, your twin exploded for reasons that are 'totally not' your fault." The sorceress barely hid the disgust and disappointment in her voice as she watched the remaining half of the once-formidable robot drift around in space on the monitor.

"Affirmative, my lady. They're growing powerful. Even though they pulled that win out of their ass, I think with two or three more of 'em gathered I wouldn't have even stood a chance."

"I can assure you, it won't make a difference. The last few officers I recruited have arrived, and our pooled army is now ready to begin slowing them down."

"Just slow them down?! Not to speak out of line, my lady, but should we not be focused on  _crushing_  and  _ripping_  and  _slicing_  and-"

"They are simple fodder, destined only to clog the enemy's path with their own dead bodies. Let's leave the vivid, gory imagery to those who have the power and authority to make it a reality, yes? Goodbye now, Major. Your scout work was excellent."

"You're gonna send someone to get me out of here, right?" Duon asked right before the sorceress closed the communication channel. He sighed, looked down at the planet he was circling, and began to hum to himself to pass the time.

* * *

Cia smirked as the communication window disappeared, and the screen went back to displaying calculations of dimensional topography.

"I must say, I do so enjoy this technology. If I had an advantage such as this before, the world would already have been mine."

Dark Meta Knight, the sinister doppelganger of everyone's favorite out-of-shape swordsman, kneeled down in reverence. "That may be so, but now  _all_  worlds will be yours. We must move forward toward this future instead of dwelling on past regrets, my liege."

"Yes, yes, that's very saccharine coming from you."

"I apologize. I only meant to-"

"Let's go and meet with the others now, yes? Our friend Metal Face should be all freshened up at this point, and the rest of the council await us."

Cia strutted out of the room and toward the main hall of this palace between worlds, leaving Dark Meta Knight to nod and follow behind.

* * *

"Aaaaand, done!" Dr. Wily declared as he put the finishing touches onto Metal Face's chassis. The hulking robot unfolded back into its humanoid shape, and admired its improved body.

"Gotta say, I'm impressed. Didn't think ya knew a lick about Mechon engineering, eyebrows."

"I've built all sorts of robots in my time. But more importantly, you may be my greatest Robot Master yet! I hereby dub you… Metal Man!"

"I'm Metal  _Face_ , gramps."

"Ah, wait, I already built a Metal Man…," Wily looked at the claws. "Oh, I know! Slash Man! Wait, no…"

"Damnit, I don't need yer titles!"

"Okay, okay. But just so you know, I haven't finished building in your weakness to dish soap yet, so we're going to have to run more maintenance later."

"Gotcha, eyebrows. Maybe after- wait, why in the hell are you making me weak to dish soap?!"

Dr. Wily raised one of his glorious eyebrows in confusion, bemused by the machine's ignorance. "Every Robot Master has to have a built-in weakness to some other Robot Master's weapon, of course! It's like a big game of Rock-Paper-Scissors!"

"Well, I hate Rock-Paper-Scissors, it's way too luck-based. I prefer poker, was always good at that... But more importantly, I DON'T WANT A WEAKNESS TO DISH SOAP!"

"But I already have drafts of Dish Soap Man's design…"

"I'm sure you can find some other stupid robot to-"

Metal Face's communicator buzzed. Thankful for the excuse to drop that line of conversation, he immediately opened up the channel.

"Oh, huh? Now? There? Yeah, I can bring the two eggheads. See ya."

Dr. Wily sighed. "I guess the robot I was designing to be weak to your weapon can wait too. Sorry, Rutabaga Man. Your time will come, I promise."

Metal Face shook his head and began storming out the hangar door, to get to the main hall. "C'mon, you two. Boss wants us to meet up with the new blood. Nice to finally have some more goons around here, eh?"

Dr. Eggman swiveled around on his chair, getting up to join them. "You know what they say! The more, the merrier!"

* * *

"So… that was a thing." Kirby remarked, looking at the twinkle in the sky that was once the two-headed ex-Subspace officer.

"Yep. Maybe next time you'll think twice about shirking my lectures, eh?" Mr. Game & Watch grinned.

"Just curious, what would you have done if you rolled anything  _other_  than a nine? Besides get reduced to confetti, I mean."

He smacked Kirby with a chair.

"So, why did that thing have such a grudge against us? Was it working with Metal Face?" Shulk asked, healing Donkey Kong.

"A distinct possibility. In fact, I would posit that a liaison is near-certain," the ape interjected, standing back up and brushing himself off.

"Anybody else catch the thing dropping the name of its boss?" Samus asked, finishing repairs to her armor.

"Yeah. I… forgot what it was, though," Shulk confessed.

"Same."

"Meh, I'm sure it's not important," Pikachu stated as the Villager plucked him up out of the ground by his tail. "Put me in your pocket and I'll invite a wrath upon you that no amount of bee stings could ever train you for."

The Villager shrugged, still smiling, and set him down.

"So, since the sun is rising by now, should we all just get ready to go? If they know where we are, we can't really afford to take a rest again," Samus added.

"Well, where's Link? He's the one who found our way out."

"Oh, Link? He ran off to run more errands for the villagers the moment he regained consciousness," Shulk answered.

Two hours and many pointless tasks later, they bid farewell to Smashville and ventured forth to a new world.

* * *

"MEEEEEAAAAAAAT!" Jiggypuff roared, smashing into some hapless Cattlesnake with a Rollout. The bovine-serpentine creature moo-hissed and slumped over, dead. Ness used PK Fire on a small pile of sticks and before long, Luigi, Jigglypuff, Pac-Man, and Ness had a nice bonfire to eat steak around.

"Mmmph… Steak is my favorite food…" Ness dreamily stated while ripping into the meat. "Never had snake meat, but… I guess it's still good."

"It'll do in a pinch, I suppose, but pixel dots are better," Pac-Man scoffed, tossing the whole thing into his maw. "Still, good initiative in finding food out here in the wilderness. This Jigglypuff guy is my kind of go-getter!"

Jiggypuff was too busy gnashing into his uncooked dinner, spraying blood out with each bite.

Luigi held his steak over the bonfire, cooking it until it was medium-well. Jigglypuff stopped eating, narrowed his eyes, and grabbed Luigi by the front of his overalls, pulling him in close.

"Eep! What did I do?!"

"Real men eat their steak raw. Are you a  _man_ or just a  _little boy_ , Luigi?"

Luigi gulped. "If I just say 'little boy', will you let me go?"

Jigglypuff shrugged, and let go after wiping his jowls off on the fabric. "Honestly you're probably making the smart call here, I'm probably gonna get some awful disease from eating this raw. But I'll do it anyway!"

"Idiot."

"Ness, you literally  _are_  just a little boy so I will give you a free pass on that, but do not try my Arceusdamn patience again."

"Bite me."

Jigglypuff proceeded to do just that, forcing Ness to smack him off with his baseball bat. Jigglypuff recovered quickly, and stood up to speak.

"So anyway, you fuckers are in luck. The only other  _real_  man of our bunch is here too, wrecking their nerdy egghead shit in that lab over there."

"That's the Chimera Laboratory. Lucas said it's where they make all these stupid hybrids," Ness responded, casting PSI Heal on his bite wound.

Jigglypuff grinned at the prospect of more animals like the Cattlesnake. "MORE MEAT!" he roared, running toward the front door as fast as his stubby legs could take him.

Ness sighed. "We'd better follow him; the Ultimate Chimera is apparently supposed to be in there and could murderize him. Hey, remember  _that_  creature, Luigi? Good times." He clashed his hands together vertically to symbolize its obscenely large jaws.

Luigi turned pale and swallowed the rest of his steak.

* * *

"Okay… I'm going to ask this once, and once only," Pikachu remarked as he took in the scenery of the new world they had stumbled into. "What the hell is THIS place?!"

'This place' was a seemingly endless white void, home only to a small glass door standing in the middle of nowhere.

"Wherever we are, it is quite… discomforting." Donkey Kong bit his lip.

Mario spoke up. "Maybe we should just-a go back…"

Peach chided him. "Now, now, Mario! We can't just leave without meeting the locals!" She merrily skipped over to the glass door.

"This is why she gets kidnapped," Bowser muttered to Mario's ear.

" _You're_  why she gets kidnapped," Mario and Samus said in unison.

"Oh, right."

Peach knocked on the glass. "Is anyone home? Hello?"

To everyone's surprise, the glass door slid to the side. More surprisingly, there was now a doorway where it had been, as if the door opened a hole in space.

"Hey, who left a mannequin here?" Kirby asked, observing the being that had opened the door.

"Oh, I'm not a mannequin," the not-mannequin corrected. "Welcome to my studio!"

"Wait, I know you!" Bowser jumped up. "You were in all those aerobics videos I watched to get fit!"

"I am glad to see my regimen worked for you, Bowser!"

Nobody commented on her knowing Bowser's name.

"My name is Princess Peach, of the Mushroom Kingdom. May I ask yours?"

"A pleasure to meet you, Peach! You can just call me the Wii Fit Trainer."

"Oh, but do you have a real name?"

"…You can just call me the Wii Fit Trainer. Helping humans and other lifeforms become fit and healthy is my job! Now, why doesn't everyone come on in? There's a lot to ș̨̤̬̳͙h̶̪̳͍̻͘͝o̖̺͍͉̗̥w̸̱̥̘͎̫̫̙̤͜ you!" She paused, cleared her throat, then smiled again and showed them in.

They glanced at each other nervously, and followed her into the studio.

* * *

"We should get ourselves warmed up with some stretches. Who will join me?"

The Smash Bros. glanced around at each other again. Mr. Game & Watch turned sideways, becoming invisible to the enthused instructor.

"Nobody? That's…u̹͓͕̠̗͠n̘̜̠͝ͅf̘͚̮̝ͅo̻̭̰͈ŕt̸ų̥ṉ̤̥͜a̸̼̼̟̬̗͓̱ţ̱͔e͔̹͓̙̬̪̱."

Despite there being no wind current in the realm, a chill could be felt blowing across the room.

"Uh, I'll… stretch and warm up, and whatever!" Kirby volunteered, stepping forward and joining the Wii Fit Trainer in her warm-up. Link grimaced, and he and Fox quietly tip-toed toward the studio door while she began volunteering others at random.

"…And that makes three. Anybody else? Fox, how about you?" she asked the vulpine.

"Uh-oh. Have we been spotted?"

"Yes. You spend so much time cramped up in a cockpit, it must be awful! I think you could stand to loosen up those stiff muscles a little, don't you? I'll have you back to your Melee prime in no time!"

"I'll go it alone from here!" Fox glumly told Link. The mute man responded by patting Fox on the shoulder, leaving him to his fate and slipping out of the studio before the Wii Fit Trainer could call on him too.

"I'm so glad to meet such famous clientele! Helping the Super Smash Brothers get into shape may be the highlight of my career so far!" the Wii Fit Trainer smiled as Fox sat down next to Kirby, Shulk, and Yoshi.

"Check your G-Diffuser system!"

The Wii Fit Trainer tilted her head and smiled. "I have no idea what that means. Now, everyone spread your legs apart and try to touch your toes-"

"Umm, Miss Trainer?" Yoshi interrupted, sniffing the air around him. "It's wonderful that you train people to be fit, but why do you smell like… nothing?"

"Oh, don't worry about me! I'm just here to instruct and observe, nothing more!" She smiled again. Yoshi nervously grinned back.

* * *

Link let out a sigh of relief as the studio door closed behind him, and he was back in the white void.

"Hey," Bowser lazily waved at him. Link raised his eyebrow.

"Yeah, I never bothered to go in. She's a good teacher but she gives me the creeps. Like you, and that kid with the axe."

Link scowled at this.

"So why do you never talk, huh? Is it like a vocal chord thing, or do you just choose not to?"

Link let out a "SKRAAA!" in response.

"Oh, right. So then you ever consider maybe… making coherent  _words_  outta those noises?"

Link shook his head.

"Say 'hello'."

Link rolled his eyes and began to walk away.

"Say 'hello' or I'm dragging you in there to meet the Wii Fit Trainer."

Link began to walk at a brisker pace.

* * *

The Wii Fit Trainer cheerily pushed down on Shulk's back, putting his torso nearly parallel with his legs. "Are you feeling it now, Mr. Shulk?"

"I THINK MY BACK IS BROKEN!"

"That's just soreness from not exercising routinely! It's an important habit to get into if you want to get fit!"

"I DON'T WANT THIS KIND OF FITNESS!"

"Sure you do! It's important to a healthy human life!"

"WHAT'S A HUMAN?!"

"Oh, right, a Homs life."

Kirby broke his pose to balk at this. "Wait, what? Our pal Shulk isn't human?"

"He's a Homs. Which is still essentially a human, it's just a linguistic difference in his world."

Shulk forced himself back upright, his back cracking painfully.

Kirby remained puzzled. "Hold on, hold on. How do  _you_ , a fitness instructor living alone in this… delightful realm, know that? Or about  _all_  of us, even?"

Donkey Kong adjusted his glasses. "A question I've been meaning to posit myself. That kind of interdimensional surveillance is unrealizable for anything short of a higher-order entity such as Master Hand himself."

"Donkey Kong! Would you like to join our work-out? It's true I work best with human physiology, but I'm sure I could make you bigger and faster. Maybe even stronger, too!"

"Do not deviate from the subject at hand."

"You ask t̴̩͚o̡̺̮͚͇̖o͇͍ ̲͎̪̖m̪̞̼̝̞̳a͖n̤͕̮̭̖͍̣͠y͏̥̝͉̜̟ questions. You shouldn't worry yourself about things like that!"

"Well, your tergiversation of the subject  _makes_  it quite worrisome indee-"

"D̛̺͚͙̹͈͍̪̩͞O̸̻̫͎͠͞ͅ ̴̘̣̠̯̦̥͍ͅǸ̛͎̘͖͠O̢̨ͅT̩ ̭̜͍̭͓Q̵̤̹̘͖̭̥̪̮̙̀U̸̩͕̙̣̱̦̺̱͖͟E̱̼S̡̯̟͎͙̰̩͜͡T̸͢҉̺̱Í҉̳̰͙̺͕ͅO҉̻̥̼͞N̸̴̰͔̘ ̪͍̭̪̮͜ͅT͖͎̤̕H̷̡̟̬͔͍͚͕̼̀ͅA̡͎̞T̶̬̘̦̠̭͜ ̱͔̺̮̫̭W̡̨͕͖͘H̯͍̣̩I̡̩C̸̲̹̭̻͎H͙̙̪̯̯̝̮́͘͟ ̸̺̼͕̯Ḷ͔͘A҉̮̺̣̭͚̝̮̞͢Y̵̛̗̼̜̼̰ ̦̝̤̲̟͕̪̫B̨̭̥͖̭͔͓̳͉̀E̘̲̟̱͓͡Y̫͉̱̪O͔̦͚̹̙̘̘̯̮N̶͔̦̣͚̖̭͙̦͇͜D҉̫̟̖͙̲̩̼̦̲ ̬͓͎́ͅY̤͔̯͈̤͔̹ͅƠ̸͖̬̯̣͉̪͇̪͢U̸͏̹̻̭ͅR̶̫̙͔̜̭͚ ̛̠ͅṞ̥̖̮͟͜ͅÉ̻̪̻̯̮͈͙͎͢A̛͔̰̲̟̲Ḽ̤̮̖͝M̡̤̠͠ ̵̣͖̼͉O̶̺̯͙͍̗̣̼͜F҉̯̱̥̳͇̫ ̶̨̱̤̫̦C̷̢҉̰̩͓̝͕̜̼O҉̻͔M̨͏͙P̶̘̺̖̪̺R̷͇E̗̖͔̯̫̩H̶͓̥͈͉È̖ͅN̩̖͉S̼̺̙̹̗̮̺̀ͅĮ̴̵̣O̵͕͓̹̬͈̙̙ͅN̺̩͓̱̝̮̕͢!̪̜"

Donkey Kong was silent. Kirby was silent. Shulk was silent. Link was silent. King Bulblin was silent. Dr. Mario was silent. Ridley was silent.

"…Now, how about this pose? Keep your hands together above your head, and your left leg folded up to your right knee."

Bowser stormed in at the moment, Link tucked under his arm.

"Yo, Trainer. Can I call you that?"

Pikachu faux-sighed "Alas, poor Pokémon Trainer; not one moment out the door and already we've bestowed his title upon someone else."

"'Trainer' is acceptable. How can I help you today, Bowser?"

"Not me, I'm good. Link here wants your most strenuous and achy regimen though, pronto."

Link furiously shook his head and attempted to squirm out of Bowser's grasp.

"I know you're excited, Link, but save your energy for-"

Link managed to pull a Smoke Ball out of his bag and set it off. By the time the smoke dissipated, he was  _gone_. Along with Fox, Yoshi, and Kirby; Shulk was currently tied in a knot and unable to flee.

"How disappointing. Bowser, would you like to show me the fruits of your labor?"

"Hmm? Sure, I'm always game to show off. But actually, I was hoping we could move on from here. We're collecting Smash Bros. apparently."

"Oh, that thing?"

The Wii Fit Trainer pulled a massive canvas of paper out of empty air.

"This is my invite. I'm one of you, it seems! If you're going to recruit more, I could come along and help keep you guys in shape!"

"Yeah, sure. But we gotta get to a different world next. See any rifts around here?"

"Bowser, where we're going, we don't  _need_  rifts."

The Wii Fit Trainer promptly imploded into a single point, sucking all the Smash Bros. in as they screamed in horror. Everyone was then promptly ejected into Skyworld.

"What in the hell just happened?!" Samus protested.

"I relocated us to Skyworld," Wii Fit Trainer answered.

"Okay. Why and  _how_?"

"Because Pit should be flying by this particular section in a few minutes."

"So every time we ask you a question, you not only dodge it but say something that just raises more questions, huh?"

"While we wait for Pit, who would like to-"

Pikachu finally snapped. "NO! NONE OF US WANT TO DO YOUR EXERCISES! We're the Smash Bros., damnit! We don't dally around doing aerobics, we fight and melee and brawl and  _smash_! If you're really one of us then, and I hate to quote somebody that isn't me here,  _show us your moves!_ "

The Wii Fit Trainer promptly gathered up a ball of condensed light and launched it at Pikachu, blasting him off the side of Skyworld and down into the clouds below.

Mario, who was still disoriented from the warp, blinked. "Mama-mia…"

"So… Is somebody gonna go save him?" Samus asked.

Zelda snapped awake. "*Hic* I'ma comin' yellow guy!" She used Farore's Wind and disappeared. A few seconds later she reappeared on the stage, holding Pikachu by the tail. "I'm best, bestest saver in entire… world!"

Pikachu pried himself out of her grasp, then walked back up to the Wii Fit Trainer. "Hmm… Needs work."

* * *

Ridley took a sharp breath, staring off at the wall of the conference room.

"Are you okay, man?" asked Porky Minch, his mech parked next to the dragon.

"Hmm? Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Just felt a chill is all."

"You're weird."

"Now, is everyone here? Good." Cia began, as the enormous Metal Face robot stomped into the room and "sat" on one of the chairs around the table, followed by the doctors. "Let me introduce myself. I am Cia, sorceress and former Guardian of Time within the land of Hyrule. Though my magic always allowed me to reach across the boundaries of different dimensions, I did not learn just how  _massive_  our world is until I first set eyes upon the mirror this adorable little knight brought to my world."

Dark Meta Knight scowled. "I am no adorable knight. I am the dread ronin of the Mirror World and I-"

"Isn't he  _adorable_? Anyway… With my power enhanced beyond anything I had ever known, I tore the multiverse asunder all to bring you unique individuals here to my private realm. Now, I know it is unfortunate that our union coincides with that… Smash Bros. tournament, but with our forces united, we can crush whatever resistance they can put up and make this world  _ours_."

"I thought this little pocket world already  _is_  yours?" Ridley asked, resting his chin in a bored manner.

"You know what I meant! Now, we, the council of this coalition, should get to know each other a little better if we're going to work together. When I call on you, you had better make your presence known."

She cleared her throat.

"The tenth of the council, from the Xenoblade world,  _Metal Face_!"

"Ya know, I only agreed to come here because she promised me stuff to kill. An' sitting in this stuffy ol' room, the only things to kill are you guys. So let's move it along so I can get back out there, yeah?"

"Now, now. Save the inevitable backstabbing for once we've all introduced ourselves, at least! And the ninth of the council, hailing from the far away Mega Man universe,  _Doctor Albert Wily_!"

"A pleasure to be here, madam!" He raised his eyebrows in reverence.

"And the eighth of the council,  _also_  a scientist from a distant world, the Mobian,  _Doctor Ivo 'Eggman' Robotnik_!"

"I make all the stuff Wily doesn't make. And, uh… just what exactly are we supposed to say about ourselves?"

"Nothing, really. I guess I'm doing a pretty good job introducing all of you myself. Moving on, the seventh of the council, from the MOTHER world,  _Porky Minch_!"

Porky coughed. "As a member of this council, my first proposition is that we install vending machines in the halls and in the meeting room. They will stock chocolate, pork rinds, and chocolate-dipped pork rinds."

"Does anyone want to second that motion?"

The rest of the chamber was silent save for Porky's coughs.

"Good. The sixth of the council, the larger-than-life dragon from the Metroid world,  _Ridley_!"

"Yeah, hey, I'm here" the dragon lazily raised his hand up.

"And the fifth of the council, from… the Animal Crossing world,  _Tom Nook_!"

"Why did you bring me here?! I'm not a villain!"

"The fourth of the council, from the world of Pokémon,  _Ghetsis Harmonia_!"

Ghetsis simply sneered.

Tom Nook intercepted Cia before she could read off the next name. "No, seriously, why am I here? I just run an honest business."

Cia put down her note cards. "Well, you're the closest thing to an antagonist that world has? Unless I recruited a swarm of bees, or a scorpion…"

"Yes, please, do that! I have customers to fleece- I mean, serve! I hereby motion to be allowed to leave!"

"Does anyone want to second that motion?"

Once again the chamber was silent. Porky let out a loud burp.

"Good. Motion denied. Now, where was I?"

She picked up the note cards. "The third of the council, from the world of… Metroid- Wait, sorry, I lost my place." She quickly flipped through the notes. "There we go. From Mario's world… wait, who is this? Introducing… Princess Shroob?"

The alien princess slammed her claws down on the table and yelled something in an indecipherable alien tongue, then smiled smugly and took a sip from her glass.

"Yes, well… I guess I scraped the bottom of the barrel there. Moving on, I already introduced the adorable second of the council, from the Mirror World within the greater Kirby universe,  _Dark Meta Knight_! Without his selfless contribution, none of us would be here."

Dark Meta Knight simply nodded.

"And finally, myself, the  _first_  of the council, Sorceress of the Valley and Guardian of Time herself, Lady Cia! To a long and fruitful alliance!"

Ghetsis slammed his cane against the floor. "Why do  _you_  get to be first of the council!  _I_  want to be first!"

Dark Meta Knight glared. "Still your tongue, lest I remove it."

"I'm first because I brought you here, and also because I'm the greatest!" Cia replied.

"Hey, don't I get a say in this?" Dr. Wily interjected, his left eyebrow raised. "I think myself or Ivo should be first, we're the two  _smartest_  ones here."

The whole table burst out into argument, save for Princess Shroob who began trying to calm everyone down, Tom Nook who was currently laying his head on the table, and Ridley who simply sighed. "Oh, yeah,  _this_  alliance is sure gonna be long and fruitful."


	11. Held Up Over a Pit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: I felt like writing a chapter almost exclusively focused on the myriad of subplots I've got running about now. So let's put the main plot on the backburner and do just that.
> 
> Also, this is when I started adding location headers to my writing. Enjoy them.
> 
> Originally published 4/13/16

-  _Skyworld, Kid Icarus Universe_ -

"So remind me why we're in the heavenly OSHA-violation land again?" Bowser asked.

"She said Pit was going to fly by here. So this is a good chance to grab him and re-conscript him into our group," Samus answered.

Shulk's attention was caught. "Wow, I can't wait to meet Pit! I've read so much about him! A kindhearted angel in the service of a wise and benevolent goddess. It's such an inspiring character!"

Samus and Bowser briefly looked at the man before bursting into laughter.

"What?"

"Kid, you really need to get this idolatry out of your head and learn the hard truth," Bowser sneered.

"Oh, is this another one of those cases where you're completely different from the stories?"

"Hey, you ARE learning! Good kid! Now I can't wait for you to meet Pit either," Samus added, still chuckling. "Hey, speaking of that, when is he getting here, Wii Fit Trainer?"

"I would say… three hours."

Just about everyone who heard this was taken aback. "THREE HOURS?!"

"Yes. That IS a measure of time, isn't it?"

Pikachu stomped his paw on the floor. "Why did you bring us here three hours ahead of time?! There's nothing to do here!"

"Yeah! I'm really hungry, too!" Yoshi, attempting to mimic Pikachu despite not being angry, also stomped his foot against the ground, only for the platform to break under him and send him tumbling down into the abyss.

Mario sighed. "So, is anyone-a gonna-"

"I'll go get him. Not like there's anything better to do for three goddamn hours," Kirby interrupted, dropping off the ledge toward the wailing dinosaur.

Mr. Game and Watch pulled out a rocking chair and sat down. "Wake me up when we're ready to accomplish crap."

* * *

-  _Twilight River, Pikmin Universe_ -

The sun rose on a region of the planet PNF-404, cascading the autumnal forest in a warm, orange glow. The nocturnal beasts made themselves comfortable and set down to rest, their bellies full and their legs tired. Peace returned to the region known to the Hocotatians and Koppaites as Twilight River.

The creek flowed, gently carrying a single orange leaf downstream on a noble voyage as a Nectarous Dandelfly began its morning nectar gathering, not a care in the world. The Pellet Posies bloomed, opening their petals to the crisp air and basking in the sunlight. A piece-of-crap spaceship descended, spewing malodorous gases from its exhaust ports and impaling the Dandelfly on its landing gear while setting fire to the Pellet Posies with its rocket booster. The ship landed with a thud and Olimar ejected from the cockpit.

"Ah… What a fascinating ecosystem. I should research the reason for spontaneous combustion in Pellet Posies today; perhaps my presence somehow triggers a defense mechanism…"

Meta Knight was next to eject.

"Good morning."

Robin and Lucina were forcibly ejected next. Lucina immediately stumbled backwards into the foliage, dizzy and disoriented from the journey into the upper exosphere. Robin, surprisingly, stood his ground.

"So, how did you enjoy atmospheric re-entry?" Meta Knight asked the tactician.

"It was awful, but… I actually feel quite fine right no-"

Robin collapsed on his knees and threw up on the dirt floor.

Meta Knight turned back to Olimar. "So, you said there was a rift here?"

"I believe I did, yes."

"…Well,  _is_  there a rift?"

"Sorry, can you come back in… three hours?" the alien captain replied, jotting notes on his pad while prodding at the dead Dandelfly. He then resumed dictating his notes. "Research is scarce on the Nectarous Dandelfly, as they frequently escape any attempt at capture or observation by ejecting their nectar and elevating out of observational range. However, this new behavior suggests they seek out the bottoms of spaceships to perhaps nest under…"

Meta Knight tuned out Olimar's monologue and Robin's retching, and began looking around.

"Lucina, where did you go? And where is Wario?"

The Hocotate ship sputtered and groaned before ejecting the aforementioned man from its treasure hold, the rival plumber landing on Robin's back and smashing him face down into the ground and his own vomit. Wario promptly farted to propel himself up onto his feet, and spat up a number of treasures from the ship's hold.

The ship's nosecone buzzed to life. "An anomaly has been detected within this 'Wario'."

"You're only just noticing he's an anomaly?"

"Though I pumped oxygen into my treasure hold to sustain this creature, oxygen consumption rate was almost twice as high as a lifeform of its size should be capable of."

"Oh, I'm sure he just found a way to eat it, or something. Like he does with everything eventually."

"Negative. …A second lifeform has been detected  _within_  this one. It is responsible for the increased oxygen depletion."

"Wait… something living in Wario? Who could possibly-" Meta Knight perked up in realization, and crouched down level with Wario's gut. "You in there, man? You can come out now, you know."

On cue, the rolls of Wario's fat quivered and were parted open as if by a car jack. Toon Link emerged from within, yawning and cricking his back.

"Goooooood morning!" The young swordsman grinned, stretching.

"How long were you in there, and why?"

"Okay, so, funny story, yeah? I'm sailing in my ship, doing all kinds of silly stuff, and suddenly this guy leaps up out of the sea and tries to eat me! Now, I've fought him plenty times in the tournament, but this was  _'real life'_ , you know? So I didn't want to become his lunch. Then, I had an idea! Hide in the one place he could never find and eat me; in him! Or, well,  _on_  him, I guess? I mean, I'm surrounded by his shirt on all sides, so… Well, you get it. I think I was in there for days!"

"That is the most goddamn horrifying story I've ever heard."

"Eh, it wasn't so bad. You wouldn't believe how little rent I paid!"

"You kinda missed the point there."

"Maybe, but I'll make up for it with  _three_  points!"

He pulled a basketball out of his item bag and shot it up at the ship's speaker, causing it to begin yelling obscenities interspersed with static. Toon Link grinned, and turned back to Meta Knight.

"So, my turn for questions, Blue Kirby; where are we, and what's with Robey McWhitehair over there embedded in the ground?"

"Don't call me that. This is Olimar's world, and that's one of the newbies, Robin. There's another, but she wandered off. Looks like Marth but with long hair. Name's Lucina."

"Gotcha, chief. And… why are we here, huh?"

"The short version is that spacetime's gone crazy and we're trying to get to the tournament. You'll figure it out along the way. Got it?"

"10-4, good buddy. So where's Luci off to?"

"Why do you know CB radio lingo?"

Before Toon Link could answer, an Iridescent Flint Beetle scuttled into the landing site, Lucina riding on its back and grasping its antenna in an attempt to steer the creature.

"I don't know what this thing is but I'm not sure whether it's useful or terrifying!" She yelled out, hanging on for dear life. She lost control and crashed the beetle into the creek, splashing water up onto the two non-Fire Emblem swordsmen. Toon Link grinned, his wet hair draped down over his eyes.

"You find the funniest people, Blue Kirby!"

"Stop calling me that, and who else do I find that's 'funny'?"

"Well, me, for starters."

"You're not funny."

"Not even when I do this?"

He shook all the water off himself like a dog, every single droplet somehow landing on an unamused Meta Knight.

Robin pulled himself up out of his Robin-shaped crater, only for the basketball to roll under his heel and cause him to fall back down.

Meta Knight sighed. "Are you done yet, Olimar?"

"Has it been three hours?"

"…No?"

"Then, uh, no."

"Man, this is going to be boring…"

Toon Link tilted his head. "I just wonder what Ganon's up to!"

Meta Knight twitched. "DO NOT."

* * *

-  _Yoshi's Woolly World, Sub-Universe within the Greater Mario Universe -_

Ganon laid on his side, his arms wrapped around his knees, shaking in terror. All around him, little wool hearts danced, the woolly sun shined brightly, and woolly flowers smiled at him.

"Too much… cheeriness…! Too much… joy!"

He had managed to drag himself back to the land where everything was made of wool, but it was little (or perhaps too much) comfort for the King of Evil. He managed to find the speared television set and desperately tried to turn it back on to no avail, and eventually settled for having a nervous breakdown.

"It's… it's too happy…! I'm… scared… I'm… happy… Everything's…"

A deranged grin began to spread over his sobbing face.

"Everything is. Happy is what it... I'm… so happy~!"

* * *

-  _Twilight River_ -

"That was a fun cutaway," Toon Link snickered.

"What are you on about now?" Meta Knight asked, confused.

"I'd say I'm on the ground, about now. But  _you're_  on a roundabout now!" He swiftly put on a crossing guard uniform and blew a whistle.

A stampede of British-made cars drove in circles over Meta Knight before dispersing as quickly as they arrived, leaving the knight flat as a pancake against the suddenly-paved forest floor.

Robin finally pulled himself up. "What were those just now?! What happened to him?! And... why is the floor a road now?"

"Ooh, you're awake! And I'd make a joke about the floor, but it's beneath me," Toon Link grinned and folded his arms.

"Uh… well, my name is Robin. And you are?"

"Link, but you can call me 'Toon Link'. Everybody does except the bigger Link, he calls me '…'. Nice 'do, by the way. Where did you buy that hair gel?"

"Oh, this is just the former contents of my own stomach. If you don't mind, I'd like to go wash myself off."

"So you  _do_  do your hairdo by yourself, do you?"

Robin blinked, confused by the excess of 'do's. "I'm… what?"

"You're Robin, silly!"

"I'm going to go clean my face and hair off now, thank you very much."

Toon Link waited until Robin disappeared in the direction of the creek before leaning to the side. "I  _love_  making new friends," he whispered to nobody.

* * *

-  _Chimera Laboratory, MOTHER Universe_ -

A blue-clad Pigmask Captain yelled at his subordinates.

"I don't care how many of you get killed in the process! Find that creature, and subdue it! Master Porky wants a shipment of 500 chimerae by Wednesday, and we can't do that if they've all been eaten!"

One of the lesser Pigmasks raised his hand nervously.

"Yes, Johnson?"

"Um, sir, with all due respect, Captain, and I mean no disrespect here, but, um… how are we supposed to stop it if it's unstoppable? With all due respect, sir!"

"That is a very good question, private. And the answer is to throw yourself at it and hope you somehow land on the button before dying horribly. Just find a way!"

A second grunt raised his hand.

"Yes, Smith?"

"Sir! What do we do about the intruder, sir?! He's causing nearly as much destruction as the Ultimate Chimera… sir!"

"Have you tried  _shooting_  him you incompetent asskisser?!"

"Yes, sir! That's why there's holes in the ceiling, door, and Pvt. Milton over there. Sir!"

"So… one indestructible chimera, and one… also-indestructible man loose on the premises. Is it too much to hope that they find each other and one defeats the other? Yes, other Johnson?"

"So, like, should we do anything about the pink thing right behind you, man?"

"What pink thing are you-?"

Jigglypuff floated up to the captain's head, grabbed his helmet, and twisted it 180 degrees, blinding the man and causing him to stumble to the floor, where he bumped his head and fell unconscious. Johnson and Smith glanced at each other before rushing at Jigglypuff, letting loose oinking sounds as a battle cry. Other Johnson set an Ostrelephant loose from its cage and armed his laser rifle, taking aim at Jigglypuff while the avian-pachyderm ran forward. Jigglypuff remained unfazed.

"RUN. NONE OF YOU FAT FUCKS STAND A CHANCE AGAINST A  _REAL_  MAN!"

Before he could be proven right or wrong, Ness and Pac-Man rushed into the melee. Ness cracked his bat over Johnson's head, knocking him out instantly, and started charging a PK Flash. Jigglypuff swiveled Smith into the path of other Johnson's laser blasts, and used the fresh corpse as a shield with which to advance towards the source. Pac-Man, meanwhile, grabbed the charging Ostrelephant with his Galaga-style tractor beam, threw it back into the cage, and then summoned a pixelated key with which to lock the cage's door… somehow.

"I don't know how it worked with that lock, but okay. Retro skeleton keys it is."

Jigglypuff reached other Johnson, smashed him across the face with Smith's corpse, and kicked him in the gut before he could pull out a combat knife. Ness finished preparing his attack and detonated the burst of light in front of other Johnson's face. He fell to the ground, soundly defeated via the power of epilepsy. The caged Ostrelephant let loose a number of hideous sounds before finally settling down, apathetic to the defeat of the soldiers.

Luigi's head peered out from within the doorway. "I-is it safe now?"

Ness wiped his brow. "Yeah, man. You can come in now. Also what the shit, Jiggs?" He gestured at the smoldering corpse of Pvt. Smith.

"Hey, he was a threat to my manly dominance. So was Captain Dipshit over there in the blue."

Pac-Man tilted his head. "All gratuitous violence aside, I gotta say, swiveling that captain's helmet around to block his sight was pretty clever."

"Wait, that's a  _helmet_?!"

Jigglypuff ran over to the captain, yanked the helmet off, and twisted the unconscious man's head around until his neck snapped.

"There, THAT'S what I was going for."

"Again,  _what the shit_?!"

The room remained quiet for about a minute after that, aside from low breathing from the Ostrelephant's cage.

Pac-man cleared his throat. "So, uh, I heard him say something about an Ultimate Chimera. You were talking about that thing, right, Ness? I guess it's loose in here."

Luigi screamed and ran out of the room.

"Yep. And so is our friend. Let's go find him and get out, okay?"

Jigglypuff growled "Sure. But any edible animals we find along the way are  _mine_ , okay? Unless you think you can fight me for them."

Ness walked over to the door and opened it. "I don't  _want_  to. Now can we get a move on-" Luigi glumly walked back in through the open door, his face sunken.

"The Ultimate Chimera is in that hallway."

"Yyyyynope." Ness swiveled around, walking toward the room's other door.

* * *

-  _Twilight River_  -

"Okay, you've had long enough. We're going NOW."

Meta Knight grabbed Olimar's suit antenna and dragged him across the floor once again. The space captain continued writing.

"How strange… the research sample appears to be retreating away from me. On closer inspection, it appears I am actually retreating away from the research sample. Have I triggered a latent gravitational repulsion or spatial lengthening effect?"

"So, where are we all going?" Toon Link asked, keeping up with Meta Knight, Wario, the now-cleaned-up Robin, and a drenched Lucina.

"WAH!"

"Ooh! That sounds exciting!"

"Wait, you can understand him? What did he say?" Lucina asked.

"He said 'WAH'!"

Lucina immediately caught on. "Oh, I see. You're a troublemaker, then?"

"When I can get away with it."

"He's more like a cartoon character," Meta Knight explained.

"What's a cartoon?" Lucina and Robin asked at the same time.

"It's… well, in more technologically-advanced realms, we have- Oh, look at that, it's… one of those big things. Olimar?"

"Hmm? Ah, a Red Bulborb. Adult, male, currently asleep. They are nocturnal predators."

"That means 'Don't wake it up or-' for heaven's sake, Olimar, why?!"

Olimar pelted the Bulborb's behind with Pikmin, causing it to awaken with a start and begin fighting back, trying to eat Pikmin and Smasher alike.

"I'm low on Yellow Pikmin after that nasty ambush by a colony of Shearwigs, so I thought I would replenish while here."

The Bulborb shook its rear, dislodging all the Pikmin assailing it, and stomped toward Robin.

"Why is it always me?!"

He bashed his Levin Sword against its chin, giving it a shock. Deterred, the Bulborb changed targets and began biting at Toon Link, who dodged around its maw and tied its eye stalks into a knot.

"Oh, he's gone cross-eyed. Poor thing."

Meta Knight groaned. "Stop making puns, they're- Why are you laughing, Lucina?"

"I-I'm not! I mean, it's just… maybe a  _little_  funny? At least the way it looks?"

"Well, please don't encourage him. Now, I'm going to end this while it's incapacitated!"

He glided forward, sword drawn, but veered into the ground and skidded to a stop right near the beast's foot.

"Ow."

"Ah, so my observation was correct. This 'Meta Knight' specimen  _isn't_  at the peak of physical fitness compared to the one I faced previously. Increased weight and muscular atrophy has seriously affected this particular specimen's ability to fly short distances without flapping its wings."

"I  _am_  that Meta Knight and I am  _not_  out of shape!" He jabbed his sword into the Bulborb's ankle while it was distracted by its new worldview. It yelped and swung its foot reflexively, kicking Meta Knight into Toon Link's waiting baseball mitt.

"Ah, wait, I  _already used_  sports equipment this chapter!" Toon Link huffed.

The Bulborb bore down on Lucina next, who drew her sword and prepared to fight back, only for it to promptly drop dead.

Toon Link prodded the corpse. "Huh. Heart attack?"

The swarm of Pikmin that had been wreaking havoc all over its back for the past minute or so climbed down and picked the beast up, toting it away to be converted into food.

"Oh. Neato. Funny how it doesn't show any signs of injury or fatigue until it dies."

Meta Knight hopped down out of Toon Link's mitt. "Again, I am NOT out of shape. Watch!" He took off into the air and held his wings straight, only to crash into Robin.

"Okay… so maybe I can't glide anymore. Whatever, didn't need that anyway…"

* * *

-  _Mansion Office, Master Hand's Realm_  -

"Crazy, what is  _this_?!"

The lefty cackled. "I RE-SORTED YOUR FILES IN ORDER OF HOW THE FOLDER TASTED!"

"No, no, NO! This will take me hours to fix!" Master Hand balled himself up and pounded on his desk. "We're facing a crisis and you're not helping in the slightest! You're just making everything worse!"

"I KNOW, RIGHT?! ALSO! ALSO! …I think this is for you." Crazy Hand handed him a large envelope.

Master Hand paused, and opened it up. Inside were a number of photographs of an unknown location, accompanied by a large note with no signature.

"Huh. … _Huh_. Crazy? Where did you find this?"

"EXPRESS INTERDIMENSIONAL SHIPPING! NOW I'M GOING BOWLING!" The sinister sinister hand rocketed out through the office door.

"Have fun…" Master Hand shooed him off, reading the letter. "This… answers everything! I know what's going on now! I know  _who's_  causing all this trouble! But who would send me this…?"

A sudden realization came to Master Hand.

"We don't  _have_ a bowling alley! Crazy Hand, what atrocity are you committing now?!"

* * *

-  _Chimera Laboratory_  -

"Man, it's like chasing a tornado!" Ness winced at all the carnage decorating the hallways of the lab; pipes torn out of the walls and ceiling, Pigmasks and chimerae laying throughout the area either dead or incapacitated, small fires here and there, and claw marks all over the floor.

"A-are you sure we can't… t-turn back?" Luigi asked from the back of the line they had made.

Pac-Man ducked under a low-hanging ceiling tile. "I  _still_  think we should go back to my maze. Though… now I think I'm starting to get the layout of this place. I think I could avoid at least two ghosts here, maybe even three."

"Pfft. Ooh, company photo calendar…!" Ness gawked, picking up a partially-torn booklet of important dates juxtaposed with pictures of attractive models. "Wow, take a look at this one, Jigglypuff." Ness turned his head back to the following puffball and showed him whatever suggestive material he was enraptured by.

"What do I care?! She's a human!" Jigglypuff dismissed Ness, and turned himself around to talk to Pac-Man, who was following behind. "So Pac-Man, huh? You're a big shot, aren't you?"

"Well, I guess I  _am_  pretty world-famous. But I don't know much of what goes on outside of my place. Hey Luigi, what's your world like anyway?"

"Well, it's… nice? Everything has eyes, which is a little creepy, but my bro and I go on a lot of fun adventures! Even if I'm terrified the whole time… Say, Ultimate Chimera, do you ever get scared?" Luigi turned and asked the creature walking behind him.

"Grrrrr…"

"No? Well, I guess you wouldn't, you're-" Luigi's eyes went wide with realization, and he promptly fainted.

"Shit. RUN!" Ness grabbed Luigi's arm and yanked him away from the monster's jowls right as they were about to close around him.

"Normally I'd take this challenge to my masculinity head-on, but… I think this time I'll cut you some slack and accept your surrender," Jigglypuff addressed the Ultimate Chimera. It responded by roaring in his face with enough lung power to blow his hair coif thing back. "No, huh? Well, uh… I'll let you off the hook today because I… have places to be! But I swear I could take you!" Jigglypuff yelled as he ran, following behind Ness and Pac-Man as they ran away from the unstoppable creature bearing down on them.

Luigi snapped awake and wrested himself out of Ness and Pac-Man's grip, sprinting down the hallway fast enough to leave several Luigi-shaped holes in the barricading debris. The Ultimate Chimera pounced at the briefly-distracted Ness, its claw just grazing his shirt and making a small cut in his side.

"Eep. Running!" Ness broke into a sprint as well, jumping and ducking through the Luigi holes to get away from the monster after his blood.

"I think I can distract it, guys! Find your friend and get out!" Pac-Man threw an orange at the chimera, which turned its attention on him as he made a left turn and ran down a different hallway, leaving Luigi, Jigglypuff, and Ness relatively safe for now.

"You heard the man. Let's get this idiot and get outta here!" Jigglypuff punched a beam out of the way and rolled down the corridor, passing Luigi and smashing through a door, where several Pigmasks were on break. Luigi and Ness followed him inside.

"Huh. What're you three doing here?" One of the soldiers asked, trying to drink coffee through his mask.

Ness stopped to catch his breath. "Running… Ultimate Chimera… everything's horrible…"

"Ah, yep. That'll do that."

Luigi glanced around. "Um… D-don't you care that we're… intruders? Or that that  _thing_  is loose?"

"We're on break. We're contractually allowed to not care for the next… twenty minutes."

"Actually, my break is up now. Sorry, man," a second Pigmask glumly stated, getting up out of his chair and arming his rifle. Jigglypuff grabbed the gun and whacked him with the butt of it.

"Mine now."

"But I need that to shoot you."

"MINE."

* * *

On the other side of the lab, Pac-Man was still being pursued by the Ultimate Chimera, which was nipping at his heels.

"Ow, my heels!"

He had managed to lure it around through nearly the entire floor plan of the lab, and was now keeping it occupied going in circles.

"Where are the power pellets in this maze?! How am I supposed to eat this thing if there's no power pellets?!"

* * *

Jigglypuff kicked the remains of the breakroom door off its hinges, stepping back into the hallway with the Pigmask's laser rife in his grip.

"So where else haven't we looked? Where are we, even?" Ness asked.

"What do I look like, this floor map on the wall?"

"Oh, well that's convenient. What's it say?"

"I never ask others for directions. You look at it, kid."

Ness sighed. "'Kay, we're… at a dead end. But the exit's down that hall, make a left, turn right at the fire extinguisher, then… Do you mind? That's kinda distracting."

Jigglypuff was repeatedly powering up and powering down his new toy. "You're just jealous."

"Of what? A toy gun you lifted off of a piggy Stormtrooper?"

"Yeah. Of course you are. Look at its length, its overwhelming power, its… girth. THIS is a man's weapon."

Pac-Man then skidded to a stop near them. "A dead end?! Wait, you guys…"

"Oh, hey! You're still alive!" Ness celebrated.

Luigi exhaled with relief. "M-mister Pac-Man! You're okay! But... where's the… you-know-what?"

Pac-Man pointed his thumb back at the Ultimate Chimera, which was now slowly stalking its way down the hall toward our hapless heroes and Jigglypuff.

"We're… cornered…" Luigi swallowed nervously.

"Nu-uh,  _we've_ got  _it_ cornered!" Jigglypuff roared, aiming his rifle right at the creature's forehead. "Time to see what this baby can do!"

The laser shots bounced off with a little 'tink' sound as it continued to walk forward.

"Uh… huh. Well, that's what I get for trusting my life to some wimpy science crap," he muttered before tossing the gun aside. The Ultimate Chimera finished closing the gap and let out a massive roar.

Ness crossed his arms and smiled. "Well, on the bright side, I'll be too dead to be traumatized by this later."

Right as the beast opened its mouth to devour the four, the ceiling exploded. The chimera paused to observe this phenomenon; as the dust settled, a tall man now stood between the hunter and its prey.

"YES! What an awesome coincidence that I'd find you here!" the man grinned.

Ness beamed. "It's YOU! But… where were you this whole time?"

"Up on the second floor! I doled out justice upon all of their chimerae and thought this looked like a good spot to drop down through!"

The Ultimate Chimera grew bored of waiting and let out another roar as it pounced upon the newcomer, tackling him through a door into one of the lab rooms. The door swung shut, and horrible, violent sounds emanated from within as man and unstoppable juggernaut faced off.

Ness shrugged, and pulled out the company calendar to admire again. Jigglypuff kept himself busy kicking rubble around, while Luigi simply slouched against the wall.

"…Shouldn't we get in there and help him?" Pac-Man questioned, wincing at each loud crash.

"Nah, it's on its own now," Luigi shrugged, unusually calm.

Pac-Man scratched his head. "'It'? Wait, are you talking about that man, or…?"

The door was blasted open again. The Ultimate Chimera flopped to the ground, sporting a bruised, swollen eye and a dislocated jaw. It let out a low moan and began to crawl away from the fight.

A yellow-gloved hand shot out, grabbing the beast's tail. "Ohh, no you don't! Don't start what you  _can't finish_!" The chimera was dragged screeching back into the lab room for round two, its claws cutting deep grooves into the floor as it tried to scamper away. After several more grueling minutes of violence, a massive explosion sounded and a blazing Ultimate Chimera was launched out through the wall, crashing into a drinking fountain. Broken pipes drizzled water on its head as it slumped to the ground, down for the count.

The man responsible for subduing it calmly walked out through the hole and saluted his comrades.

Ness put the calendar away. "Did you even break a sweat in there, Cap?"

Captain Falcon smirked. "It showed me its moves, but I guess it wasn't enough to extinguish the just fury of the  **Falcon Punch**!"

* * *

-  _Skyworld_  -

"That was an incredible save you pulled there at the end, Kirby. I've never seen moves like that!" Shulk complimented.

"Yeah, thanks. I'm just surprised it took three whole hours to get back up with Yoshi. Did I miss anything interesting?"

"Well, uh, Bowser entertained himself by grabbing Peach and running in circles around the floating platforms while Mario chased him, Donkey Kong got into a long debate with Pikachu over proper usage of the phrase 'willy-nilly'- apparently it's NOT a synonym for 'haphazardly', but more like an old-fashioned way of saying 'whether you like it or not'? -while Link kept Zelda from stumbling off the edge. Samus perched on one of the pillars and tried to fly away when the Villager swung a net near her but landed on Mr. Game and Watch, who didn't wake up and blew her away with his snoring… Fox kept using the same few phrases repeatedly, and the Wii Fit Trainer just stood staring at the horizon."

"So… the usual."

"I'm starting to realize that this is 'the usual', yes. It's kinda upsetting."

Yoshi patted him on the back. "Aww, it's not so bad! You'll always have me!"

"Thanks, but… for some reason that doesn't make me feel any better."

"Glad I didn't miss anything important," Kirby concluded. He pulled out a cast-iron pot. "But Yoshi and I are hungry. Hey Link! What have you got food-wise?"

Link let go of Zelda, who slumped to the floor near Mr. Game and Watch and slept, and reached around in his bag, pulling out a pack of hot dogs, a bushel of persimmons, several glazed donuts, and a live spider crab.

"Hmm… That'll do. Forget the crab, though, last time I cooked that with persimmons it… got ugly."

Shulk looked quizzically at the remaining ingredients. "I don't know a thing about cooking, but what can you make with that?"

"Hopefully a culinary miracle," Kirby grinned maniacally as he set to work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who is the mysterious individual sending a tip to Master Hand? Will Kirby's cooking come out spectacularly, or boil over? What does the return of Captain Falcon mean for our tertiary-plotline? Will Pit ever show up? What new wacky things can Wario eat? All will be answered… eventually!
> 
> The density of profanity in this fic seems to increase drastically whenever Jigglypuff is in focus.


	12. The End of the End of the Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author's Note:** Read, and if you like it then you shoulda put a review on it.
> 
> Originally published 4/15/16

-  _Skyworld, Kid Icarus Universe_ -

"Well, I gotta say I'm impressed, Kirby," Bowser conceded while finishing his meal. "How'd you make something so delicious with those ingredients?"

"THAT is my trade secret, I'm afraid. I use a proprietary blend of twelve herbs and spices I keep on my person at all times in case of an emergency."

"Ooh! Ooh! Is one of them… watermelon?!" Yoshi asked, excited.

"No."

"Grapes?"

"Nuh-uh."

"…Kiwi?"

"Stop guessing."

"I bet I got one of them," Yoshi grinned mischievously.

"Pit's arriving now," the Wii Fit Trainer beckoned everyone over.

Sure enough, in the distance a winged being cast a silhouette against the bright sky, gliding its way toward the conglomeration of platforms that had hosted many a brawl in the past.

"How did you people get here?!" Pit asked, touching down on the highest floor.

"Now, now, what kind of way to greet your pals is that, Pit?" Samus chided.

"Don't speak to me, Metroid genocider!"

"'Genocider' isn't a word," DK interjected from below.

"Whoa, why is Pit so… hostile?" Shulk asked.

"Wait, a new face?" Pit walked over and began investigating Shulk.

"Hello, my name's Shulk! I'm new here! I… hope we can get off on the right foot?"

"Hmm… You say that, and yet you too are tainted with sin. I declare you the antithesis to justice! A mockery to the gods that created you!"

"Excuse me?"

Pit pulled out a list. "Says here you slayed many an innocent beast for mere quest items, led an invasion into your neighboring continent, and… overthrew your own pantheon?!" Pit's eyes bugged out at the last bit.

"I had, uh… mixed experiences with them," Shulk tugged at his collar.

Pit turned his head skyward. "Lady Palutena, give me advice on what to do to this… this…  _abomination_!"

Shulk whispered to Samus. "Is… is he talking with his goddess? Should I just go?"

"Nah, stay. It'll get fun."

Pit nodded his head. "I see. I will- Wait, what?! Why would you approve of- I mean, your grace, if I, your humble servant, may suggest- Oh, please no! They're so… Ugh, fine!"

"Well?" Samus asked.

Pit sighed. "Lady Palutena says I must forgive all of you except Pikachu, and… go with you."

"Good to have you back."

He pouted. "Hmph. Metroid extincter…"

"'Extincter' isn't a word either!" Donkey Kong's voice rang out again.

* * *

 _\- Chimera Lab, MOTHER Universe_  -

"Hrryah!"

An axe kick from Captain Falcon knocked the west wall down off of the entire Chimera Lab, exposing the facility to the fresh spring air.

"So where to now?" Ness asked.

"Falcon and I got here through a hole up in the mountains. Real rugged place, suited me well." Jigglypuff polished his non-existent bicep.

"Up on the mountains?! It'll take forever to get up there! Unless…" Ness grinned expectantly.

"You got it, man!" Captain Falcon snapped his fingers, and the Blue Falcon fell from the sky, landing on Jigglypuff and Luigi. "Ooh, that was a bit off!"

He reached down below the vehicle, pulled his flattened allies out from underneath it, and tossed them into the back while Ness and Pac-Man climbed in by themselves. Falcon slid into the pilot's seat and slammed his foot on the gas. The racecar took off, throwing the four passengers against the back wall.

"Too fast! Too fast!" Ness wailed. The vehicle came to abrupt stop, flinging them forward against the windshield. "Ow. Okay, you didn't have to  _stop_ , just slow down…"

"Number one rule of driving,  _and_  of your life goals: If your destination is ten miles away, don't drive twenty!" Captain Falcon grinned.

"I thought the number one rule of driving was to keep your eyes on the road at all times… Wait, you mean we're here already?!"

The driver shot a thumbs-up. "I mean, I  _am_  a pretty fast racer if I say so myself!"

Sure enough, disembarking from the car left our heroes and Jigglypuff standing on the top of a sun basked mesa, up on Mt. Oriander. Captain Falcon ejected up out through the windshield hatch, flipping through the air and landing on the tips of his feet. He then flexed, the shockwave of which caused an avalanche further down the mountain.

"Are you ready for something amazing!?" Captain Falcon boasted, gesturing toward their destination portal.

"It's not that amazing," Jigglypuff assured the other three.

"It's AWESOMELY amazing!"

"Is it something waiting for us on the other side of that rift?" Pac-Man asked.

"YES! I mean, yeah. Check it out!" He ushered them all through it, and then stepped through himself. "Ta-da!"

"We're… right where we just were?" Pac-Man scratched his head in confusion, looking around at the mountains and mesa top he was standing on.

"Nope! This is another world! But the hole formed between a mountain range in one world and a mountain range in another! Isn't that an amazing coincidence!?"

Ness shrugged "The littlest things excite you."

"I know! It's awesome! Now, race you to the bottom!" He sprinted down the side of the mountain despite it being a nearly 90-degree wall, kicking up a trail of dust as he raced toward the sandy desert floor below.

* * *

-  _Mansion, Master Hand's Realm_  -

Master Hand had finally finished re-sorting his file cabinets when a  _vwooop_  sound followed by the pained screams of about a dozen people caught his attention. He cautiously floated to the front door and opened it, greeted by the sight of the Smash Bros. lying in a heap around a space-sucking singularity. It expanded and unfolded into the shape of a bleach-white, slender female figure.

"Ahh, Wii Fit Trainer. You got my invite, I take it?"

"I did indeed! It's nice to see you again, Master Hand!"

Bowser rubbed his head and stood up on his feet. "Can we not travel that way anymore? It makes everything smell… purple."

Pit struggled to stand up. "What fresh hell was that?!"

"Oh, that was just me digging a hole between your world and this one! It must be disorienting for… beings like yourselves, but it's perfectly safe! Say, not to go too far off topic, but do the muscles in your wings need routine physical activity to remain strong?"

"Yes, but-"

"I can devise a regimen for you if you'd like! I've always wanted to do that for birds, but you're the next best thing!"

"But you don't have wings… And I don't know if you're evil or not."

"Oh, don't worry about that, I'm not ȩ̮͙͔v̼̼̳͍͍̠̬į̤̪l in the slightest!"

"Oh! I'm a bird! You can give me one!" Samus waved her hand.

Peach got up and merrily skipped her way into the mansion. "Mister Master Hand, we're home!"

"I'm, uh, right here you realize?"

"Oh! There you are! Ooh, did you redecorate the place?" She looked around at all the holes- half of them patched up, half of them still open to the environment –left behind by the incident that set this all into motion.

"Not me, someone else did this to our home. Someone who's gained an immense power that, if they continue to abuse it the way they are now, could mean… the end of all worlds as we know them."

The foyer was silent, a tension in the air.

"And… they're also an interior decorator?" Peach tilted her head.

Master Hand fell to the ground, flabbergasted.

* * *

"THIS is what we are dealing with." Master Hand threw the file folder onto the dining room table, where it simply slid a few inches before stopping. Most of the crew simply stared at it.

"This folder is the one destroying the world!?" Peach gasped.

"…Sorry, I thought it'd be like in the movies where the photos all spill out of the file when it's put on the table." Master Hand picked the packet back up before Peach could snatch it, and dumped its contents down onto the table.

"Ooh, photos," Kirby picked one up and admired it. " _Wow_ , that is a suggestive outfit. Are you sure that's not from your, ah, 'private documents'?"

"What?! No! That's the sorceress Cia. And while I agree that her attire is kinda dumb, if the note I got is to be believed, she's the one responsible for all this."

"Oh, right! The two-headed robot mentioned that name, I think!" Shulk added.

"You got attacked by Duon? I suppose that answers a few questions…"

"What would those be?"

Master Hand scooped up a photo of Doctors Wily and Eggman, arms around each other's shoulders like they were hosting a wild frat party. "THESE two assholes. I wondered why a medieval-ish sorceress would employ futuristic scientists, but I guess it's fair to assume she's moving out of her comfort zone and just using whatever tools are at her disposal. The fact that she was willing to send a robot like Duon to… where were you attacked?"

"The kid's town." Mr. Game and Watch pointed at the Villager, who was currently drawing creepy images on the back of the empty folder. "But I kicked its ass all by myself!"

"Right. The fact that she sent a cutting-edge robot- undoubtedly given the Pimp-My-Ride treatment by these two doctors –to a relatively low-tech universe suggests she has no regard for the boundaries, cultural differences, and fundamental physics discrepancies between dimensions."

Samus followed up. "Which, if continued unabated, could cause untold chaos."

"It's why I don't let folks like Link or Marth take any fancy technology back with them, or let anyone from more, *ahem*, grounded worlds take any magical doodads or other weird reality-altering artifacts."

"But wait, if you're so stringent about cross-contamination between worlds, why did you just let me run around in my Varia Suit?"

"That's a good point. Maybe next time I send you out, you can just go without the suit."

Samus picked her helmet up and fitted it back over her head. "Whoops, accidentally locked it! Guess I'm stuck in the suit and you can't make me leave it behind after all!"

Pikachu interrupted. "Waitwaitwait, 'next time' you send us out? Okay, I have something I'd like to say-"

"Hold that thought, Pikachu. I promise I'll take your questions once we're done here. Because a bit of weirdness shared between worlds is just the scratched surface on the tip of the iceberg. And this iceberg is big. Like, ten quintillion times bigger than the tip."

"An iceberg that enormous would be larger than the Earth and no longer an iceberg, but a planetoid or a comet," Donkey Kong pointed out.

"Thank you for that relevant fact. But like I said, there's a bigger problem. Assuming she doesn't successfully take control of the whole multiverse, which would be pretty bad in its own right, this continued unregulated tampering with the fabric of dimensions could tear it all asunder. Worlds could just plain fizzle out of existence, experience dimensional fissuring into unstable sub-worlds, or meld together into hideous abominations."

"Ooh, that last one actually sounds like a silver lining! Imagine if we all lived in one big, happy world?" Yoshi dreamed.

"Imagine this. You wake up one day to find that your… Yoshi nest, or wherever you sleep, is sticking out of the side of a skyscraper from some other world. You yourself are in agonizing pain, your flesh fused to the steelwork as well as to a man screaming in agony. He is a baker named George. He spent his whole life perfecting the art of turning dough into edible delights, and now his face is sticking out of your shoulder, mouth agape. His world lined up with yours in such a way that you occupied the same space once united, and some other world with weird weather patterns is intruding into yours, such that it's now raining acid and dead fish from the sky. And ALSO, your whole goddamn planet happened to be lined up with a star in some OTHER world, so everything gets incinerated in the core of a burning plasma sphere. Does THAT sound like a silver lining?!"

Yoshi's lip quivered. "…No?"

"Good. Next up, we have…  _these_  assholes." The giant hand arranged several of the photos. "Porky Minch, once again somehow liberated from his Absolutely Safe Capsule. Likely joined up out of boredom. Dark Meta Knight- I believe you've met him, Kirby?"

"He's kind of a dick."

"He is indeed kind of a dick, and he's also kind of sworn fealty to Cia, so his devotion to her cause is absolute. This one is Ghetsis Harmonia, raving lunatic. Not very exciting, but he's got some powerful Pokémon I guess? Tom Nook, whom I can only assume was dragged into that arrangement against his will. He probably won't be an issue unless we contract him for repairs on this mansion. Ridley-"

"RIDLEYYYYYY!" Samus yelled, shaking her fist at the heavens.

"Yes, Ridley. I don't know what he's in on it for, but if he's brought some pirate technology with him to complement Eggman and Wily's, we might be outgunned on that front. Speaking of aliens with technology, this… purple… princess thing?"

"Oh, her. I remember her," Mario nodded. "She was-a good at impersonating Princess Peach."

"Oh, I like her dress! Who is she?" Peach commented.

"Have you been paying attention?" Master Hand asked. "Recite everything we just talked about."

"So… there's an evil folder, and it's going to ram an… iceberg… into Dark Meta Knight's dick? Wait… he has a private detective? That's silly!" She giggled. "Oh, and Samus yelled 'RIDLEYYYYYY!' right in my ear, too! Is Ridley the detective?"

"I want to yell his name in anger again, but now I'm imagining him wearing a deerstalker and smoking a pipe while hunting for clues. It's disturbing yet endearing," Samus added. "Also, you're  _way_ off."

"Speaking of detectives, though,  _somebody_  had to have taken these photos and written that note. Perhaps they have a traitor in their midst, or perhaps someone infiltrated their facility without their knowledge. But back to our all-star cast, we have Metal Face-"

"METAL FAAAAAACE!" Shulk yelled, shaking his fist at the heavens.

Everyone glared at him.

"S-sorry, I guess it's only cool when she does it?"

"…Metal Face, whom you have already met. Shulk, motivation?"

"Uh, I'm feeling quite angry about all this, but also rather confident and ready to help?"

"HIS motivation! I swear, it's like  _pulling teeth_  with you people!"

"Sorry again. He probably just sees this team-up as an excuse to do whatever he wants and get away with it."

"Thank you. Anyway, now that we know what we're up against, I have no choice but to ask you all to put an end to this madness. Hopefully, whoever sent me this information follows up with more later. Until then, I-"

"A-ta-ta! My comment!" Pikachu interrupted, slapping his tail against the table.

"…Yes?"

"Like I was saying, 'next time' you send us out? Not happening. Nope."

"Oh? And why not?" The hand clenched up.

"Because we did what you said. We 'went through that hole and told you what was on the other side', or whatever your instructions were. Hell, we even brought you back a few newbies. We're done. I believe I speak for all of us-"

Kirby interjected. "No you don't."

"Shut up…  _Kirb_ ert Hoover. I think I speak for all of us when I say that that's as far as we go. Hell, it's definitely as far as  _I_  go."

"Okay," Master Hand shrugged.

"That's it? No fight? No flicking me through a portal?"

"You don't have to save the world. Just don't expect me to bother sending you home. Not that your homeworld will be around much longer anyway."

"…Sucks to be them, I guess. Why don't you and your pen-pal go finish this mystery together? Hell, hire Inspector Ridley to help you out too, or something. Go-Go Ridley Plasma Cannon, or whatever gadgets he had as Meta Ridley, you get the reference."

"Look, just do it, or I  _will_  flick you through a portal again. Maybe into deep space."

"I-"

"Where you die."

"Yes, I'm not an idiot. Unlike some people at this table."

"Do you really not care for the  _end of all things_? Think about it. You'd have no people to lord your smugness over."

"That IS a valid point…"

"And Mario, you'd have no princess-rescuing to do!"

"THANK GOD- I mean, oh-no, we can't-a have that…!"

"Donkey Kong, you'd have no big words to cram into sentences."

"Pish posh. I do not inject superfluous words infelicitously into my vocalizations like some haughty greenhorn obambulating around a thesaurus for the first time."

"Kirby, you'd have no ingredients for your cooking, nor anyone to sample it!"

"Hey, you don't need to convince me. I wasn't the one being contrary."

"Zelda, imagine a world with no booze."

"That good can't be that be!" she slurred, slamming her fist down on the table.

"Pit, you'd have no… sinners to judge, or whatever you do."

"GOOD. But… then Lady Palutena would be gone too…!"

"There you go. I could keep going and list off each of your character idiosyncrasies, but I think the joke's wearing thin by now."

"Ugh, fine," Pikachu rolled his eyes. "We'll… go do whatever it is you want us to do. Which is?"

"If you had let me finish earlier, you would know."

"Well, I didn't. And while I don't regret that, now we need to know, so make with the expositing."

"Isn't that what I've been doing this whole time? Anyway, we still don't have a bead on their location, so it's not like we could just storm their base even if we  _weren't_  short most of our members."

"So you want us to go out and find the others, like we've been doing," Bowser summarized.

"Well, that and… I'm sure these baddies aren't just sitting in a conference hall waiting for us to find them. When they attack you again- and they will, no doubt about it –try to get whatever information you can out of their officers. I'm sure my 'pen-pal', as Pikachu called him or her, will send me more information, but in the meantime all we can do is learn what we can from the enemy itself."

The Villager held up the empty envelope, showing off a number of arcane sigils and frightening images he had doodled upon it.

"That's, uh… impressive?" Master Hand scratched his thumb.

"There's the bad guy!" Peach yelled, pointing at the golden-brown paper pouch. She tried to snatch it from the Villager's hands, but he stuffed it into his pocket.

"Oh, poo, he got away…!"

Master Hand made a temple-rubbing motion. "Damn it. That folder is NOT the 'bad guy'!"

"Oh, so it's an ally?" Yoshi asked.

"I don't know if I trust it…" Peach whispered to the dinosaur.

"It's a piece. Of paper. An insignificant, inanimate pouch that held information of high value but is itself, again, insignificant. Now all of you get out, please, because the amount of aspirin I'm going to need for this headache may very well be a lethal dosage and I'd rather die in peace."

"Can  _you_  even die from that?" Samus asked.

"I'm about to find out."

* * *

-  _Twilight River, Pikmin Universe –_

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"How about now?"

"No."

"Now?"

"Toon Link, I swear-"

"Well, you shouldn't. It's not nice. Also, are we there yet?"

"Why are you even asking me?! Olimar's the one who knows where it is!" Meta Knight threw his hands up.

"Fair enough. Olimar, are we there yet?"

"No, we are not."

"Okay." Toon Link marched quietly behind the spaceman.

Meta Knight looked back and forth between the two. "What, so when  _he_  answers you just accept that, but when I answer you keep annoying me?"

"It's funnier to do to you because you try to be all grouchy and serious!"

A Whiptongue Bulborb's whiptongue shot out from the bushes, narrowly missing Toon Link.

"Yow! That was close, huh?" He drew his bow and fired it into the shrubbery, eliciting a yelp of pain. The owner of the tongue stomped out with an arrow in its ankle, flitting its anteater-like appendage around in hopes of grabbing dinner for its troubles.

"For once can we fight something that ISN'T trying to eat us?!" Robin yelled. "I'm still feeling unwell from when Wario ate me."

The Wario in question had grasped the Bulborb's tongue in his jowls, and proceeded to slurp it down like a spaghetti noodle. The Bulborb didn't have time to even notice what was happening until its whole body had disappeared down Wario's gullet.

Robin opened his mouth and raised his finger to say something, but then stopped, following behind again. "Whatever. Can we just get somewhere where we're not at the bottom of the food chain?"

Olimar sent his Winged Pikmin over the surface of a dammed creek, where they lifted up an obstructing branch to let a lily pad resume its voyage downstream. As it passed by the shore, Olimar and his squadron hopped on. Meta Knight followed.

"You guys coming, or what?"

"That… can't be safe." Lucina eyed the soggy leaf warily.

"Hey, at this scale it's safer than a… really sturdy boat," Meta Knight gave up on a proper analogy as Toon Link jumped onto the drifting leaf.

"I guess the worst outcome is that I get wet again," Lucina shrugged, hopping on, the leaf supporting her weight as well. "Well, I'm surprised by this. Robin, Wario, get on before it drifts too far away!"

Robin obeyed, landing on the edge of the pad. "I'm surprised it can support the weight of us five, plus all these Pikmin. Hold on… what about his weigh-"

Wario jumped onto the lily pad and landed next to Robin, causing his edge of it to sink down below the surface. Toon Link, Meta Knight, and Lucina covered themselves from the incoming water splash, while Olimar quickly whistled his Pikmin away from the water's edge. Robin flailed in the water.

After a few seconds Wario's body slipped off the leaf, and it returned to the surface with Robin still on board.

The soggy tactician pulled his robe off and threw it onto Toon Link. "You know, I think I hate life sometimes."

"It's just water, don't be such a baby," Toon Link's muffled voice teased.

Olimar hopped off the lily pad as it drifted close to another shore. "And… our destination should be through that clearing." The others followed him off, leaving the plant to continue unburdened downstream. Wario burst up from underneath the lily pad, punching a hole in it and landing on the shore next to Meta Knight.

Robin collected his robe from Toon Link's face. "Hopefully this will dry well, it's all I have." A thought popped into his head. "Ugh, and now all of my tomes are wet. This is just great…" Robin pulled a soggy Elwind tome out of his robe and opened it up, the pages sticking together in a pulpy mess.

"Can they still work like that?" Lucina raised an eyebrow.

"Well…" Robin tried casting wind magic, creating a gust of air that lifted several small leaves off the ground. "I guess so, but the books themselves will probably smell like mildew later… I guess I should count myself lucky I got through this without drowning or being eaten by something, though."

As the crew of six entered the clearing, several of Olimar's White Pikmin made 'hmm?' noises that could only be described as evocations of curiosity and ran ahead of the others, staring intently at a spot in the ground under Robin's feet.

"Aww, cute. What are they doing?" Lucina asked.

"Ah, perhaps they've sensed buried treasure underneath your compatriot. White Pikmin display an uncanny ability, perhaps through an enhanced sense of tactility, to detect disturbances just below the surface. Often this indicates the presence of buried treasure."

The curious White Pikmin then jumped up in surprise and scattered, keeping their distance from Robin. "Uh… Was it something I did?"

A Burrowing Snagret burst from the ground directly below him, swallowing him whole and arching over the remaining five with its snake-like body. It let out an ear-splitting screech.

"OW! That's even worse than your whistle!" Lucina complained, covering her ears.

"Ah, a Burrowing Snagret. A peculiar species of predator on PNF-404 displaying traits of both avian and serpentine predators. Fascinating that one would show up here…"

The Snagret lunged at Olimar, who was too busy writing his notes to notice. Lucina did, however, and parried its beak away with Falchion.

"Damn bird… snake… thing! Go… away, or something!"

Meta Knight, Toon Link, and seemingly even the Snagret raised an eyebrow at her.

"Sorry, I tend to stumble over my words when I'm under pressure. But I can still fight well!" She smacked the Snagret's beak away again with her sword, then grabbed the feathers under its chin and was hoisted up into the air near the creature's neck. Right before she could stab it, it slammed its whole body down, leaving her a broken mess on the floor. "Ow."

"Uhh, delivery! Delivery for Ms.… Snagret! Ms. Burrowing Snagret!"

Lucina, Meta Knight, and Olimar looked over at Toon Link, who was now sporting a white apron and poofy hat. "I'm, uh, George. I'm a baker. And I've got this delicious cake for you!" He pulled out an ornate birthday cake, the "candle" on top making a hissing sound as it burned away. The Snagret observed the baked good cautiously. This apparently met its standards of approval, as it pecked the cake out of Toon Link's hands and swallowed it at once, bomb and all.

Meta Knight did a double take. "Did you just-"

"Shh, this is the best part!"

The Snagret seemed content for a moment. That moment ended when its body convulsed with a muffled boom, its eyes widened, and smoke poured out of its nostrils. The snavian collapsed to the ground, dead.

"The good ol' dynamite candle trick! But with my own twist!"

"Wait… Oh, gods, Robin was still in there!"

"Haha, whoops!"

"That isn't funny! You might have killed my friend!"

"Ugh,  _fine_ , I'll buy you a new one!" Toon Link rolled his eyes dramatically while Lucina twitched in anger.

Before she could drive her sword through Toon Link's skull, Robin cut his way out of the beast's stomach with his Levin Sword, sizzled and darkened but otherwise unharmed. Physically.

"See? He's fine. Cartoon explosions just blacken you with soot, they're not dangerous. Except to the Snagret, I guess."

Lucina leered for a few more seconds, before sheathing her sword. "Can we just get out of here? It's been one close call after the other."

"I concur…" Robin raised his hand limply, still hanging out of the Snagret's side.

Olimar finished his document and closed it. "Now that that's done, give me a minute to dismiss my Pikmin and then I'll follow you through the rift." He pointed at a rock on the other side of the clearing, the distorted air just visible from behind it.

"Frikkin' finally." Meta Knight marched forward, pulling Robin by the back of his robe while Toon Link, Lucina, and Wario followed behind, once again leaving a foreign world much worse off than before their arrival.

"You know, I wonder how we're going to get to this Smash Brothers tournament," Lucina wondered.

"Oh, I know how, and it's going to be  _fun_ , trust me." Meta Knight grinned beneath his mask.

* * *

-  _Office, Master Hand's Realm_  –

Master Hand quietly strummed his fingers on his desk.

"R.O.B., I need you."

The machine scooted its way in upon hearing its name.

"Hello, Master Hand. How may I be of service to you?"

"Do you think you could finish repairs of the mansion? I… might need to spend some time away."

"Affirmative. Gathering a hammer, metal nails, and excess lumber… No lumber detected in storeroom. Gathering a chainsaw and lumberjacking attire…" The machine scooted its way out of the office, leaving the hand alone again.

"Hmm…"

No matter how many times he read over the note that accompanied the photos, he could not figure out who sent it, or just what their game was.

_These conspirators are responsible for the anomalies you, in your omniscience, have likely noticed. They currently possess the technology and manpower to launch a successful invasion upon every affected world, but have yet to coordinate such an assault. I write to you, a being of a higher order, in the hopes that you and your "Smash Bros." can put an end to this before it begins. Expect more information from me in the future._

_\- Bigthroat_

"Crazy, if the Smash Bros. call in asking me for information, you answer. Give them as big a headache as they give me."

Crazy Hand cackled, scooping up the communication line and floating into another room with it, the cable stretching around the mansion.

"It's about time I did some investigative work of my own, 'Bigthroat'."


	13. You Can't Say That, That's Offensive!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Have a new chapter with 70% more pirates than the previous chapters COMBINED!
> 
> Every review you leave sustains me for the next millennium, so review away.
> 
> Originally published 5/14/16

-  _Unknown Realm_ -

"Tell me, Porky. What good are you to us?" Cia tapped her fingers on the large table in irritation.

The pig king coughed. "I bring years of wisdom, and help eat all the food in the fridge!"

"We all pooled our assets. You promised us thousands of human soldiers and five hundred monsters. We got  _dozens_  of human soldiers, and no monsters."

"Hey, it ain't my fault they were too fat and stupid to protect a dumb lab," he grumbled while brushing crumbs off of his belly.

"It doesn't reflect well on your contribution, understand," Dark Meta Knight plainly stated, his eyes closed in deep thought. "If you want to pull your weight around here, daunting task though that may be for a man of your stature, you could at least put some effort into tracking down the ones responsible for your setback. There's no way we didn't just get hit by some Smashers, and we can't let them get too far away or we'll lose them like Duon did."

Porky groaned. "But that's all stuff that sounds like work! I don't  _do_  work, that's what I had an army for!"

"Get it done however you want. Use your army, or just do it yourself, so long as it's done. Just understand that if you fail us, we'll have no choice but to dismiss you from this alliance."

"Can  _I_  be dismissed?" Tom Nook, the only other "captain" sitting at the conference table, asked.

"No," Cia stated.

Porky coughed again. "Ugh, fiiiiiine. But I'm going to be cranky about it for the rest of the week. …You there! Janky purple dudes! Give me a lift!"

A group of four Primids that had been guarding the door glanced at each other, before rushing over. They struggled to hoist Porky's decrepit, immobile flabby body up out of the chair and slowly carried him out of the conference room like the Ark of the Covenant. Just as they exited through the door a lone Sword Primid entered, stopping to stare at the parade float of a man, who chuckled.

"Haven't you ever seen a great man before?"

The Sword Primid shifted nervously as Porky exited, then remembered what it had entered for and ran up to Cia. "My liege! I bring you big news!"

It saluted, accidentally cutting the top of its head off with its beam sword. It fell to the ground and dissolved into shadow bugs.

Cia sighed. "Anyone who  _isn't_  dead know what this 'big news' is?"

A Primid without a sword ran in and saluted, also smacking itself in the forehead. "Yes ma'am! So, uh, our techies just de… tected a big dimensional jump. Signature matches Master Hand's, I think. Or it's… really really close? Maybe his brother?"

"So they're on the move again. Well, if we've finally caught track of where they are since Smashville, what are we doing sitting around?" She turned to Dark Meta Knight. "Is our little project ready yet?"

Dark Meta Knight shook his head. "Eggman needs more time. Nintendium is… difficult to smelt."

"Hmm. Then perhaps you should go-"

The doorway crashed apart into splinters as Ridley stomped in, not even bothering to crouch through it. " _I'll_  go."

"For goddess' sakes, man! Doorways don't grow on trees!" Cia yelled, but then paused, thoughtfully. "Wait, I guess they technically do. But cutting and varnishing the wood takes time… Anyway, why you?"

"Samus is with them, yeah? I have… unfinished business with her, so forgive me if I want first crack at 'em. Plus, my men are getting restless. The space rum is running dry and Q'torlakc's come down with space scurvy. We'll pick up some space limes on the way."

"Stop it," Dark Meta Knight cautioned.

Cia nodded. "You may go. Far be it for me to stand between a villain and their arch nemesis. Speaking of which… do you happen to know if  _Link_  is with them?"

"No idea."

"If he is, spare him. He's  _mine_."

"Yeah, sure. See ya, Cia. Heh, that sounds funny…" Ridley walked out through the Ridleyfied doorway and made his way down toward the command center to be briefed.

Dark Meta Knight waited until Ridley left before turning to Cia. "…Now, when you say Link is 'yours', do you mean he's your  _adversary_ , or…?"

"Whoops, look at the time! Gotta go water my… rutabagas. You're dismissed, go do… something productive. Somewhere else. Or I'll just go," she jogged out of the room, which is difficult in heels.

Dark Meta Knight sighed. "I really need to do some research on these people before I swear eternal fealty to them."

The Primid remained unflinching in its salute, directed at Tom Nook now.

* * *

-  _Mansion, a few minutes ago_ –

"Gottacatch'emallgottacatch'emallgottacatch'emall!" Crazy Hand sung to himself as he rocketed down the hallway in hot pursuit of a very terrified, Monado Speed-enhanced Shulk. Shulk grabbed a post to swing himself around a corner sharply, but an excited Crazy was faster than he could ever hope to be. He swooped down and scooped the young Homs up into his palm, squishing him up against the other present Smash Bros. he was holding.

"Gotta catch 'em all and send them on a trip vacation trip! Now, how many do I have…?"

Crazy began to count on his fingers, Smash Bros. spilling out between them. "One, two, three- I DIDN'T SAY YOU COULD LEAVE!" He slammed himself palm-down onto the fleeing Link, Game and Watch, and Samus, flattening everyone against the ground.

"Now, where was I? One, two, three, four, five… uh… how do I count past five when I only gots five fingers, silly? I guess I'll just gotta put you on make nachos and count you while I'm eating you."

Bowser's muffled voice yelled up from beneath the glove. "Wait! Wait! You've got all of us, I promise!"

Crazy Hand lifted himself up off the group and observed his collection, scratching his wrist. "Okaaaay, but if Pikachu isn't in the group my bro is gonna punish me but good!"

"I'm here, Arceusdamnit."

"Good! Okayokayokay, now I gotta  _rrrrrip_  open a hole to…" He read the instructions Master Hand had given him. "Aww, but that place is boring! I'm gonna send you to my flavorite stage instead!" He then dragged his fingers through the air,  _rrrrripp_ ing open a hole in spacetime.

Mario eyed the unstable rift warily. "Is it really a good idea to go into-a whatever godforsaken hole he just made?"

"You go down warp pipes all the time with no idea where they send you," Samus noted.

Donkey Kong shrugged "Besides, any alien realm would be preferable to staying here with such a saccadic and sinister sinister-hand."

"I know, right?!" Crazy Hand twitched excitedly as they cautiously stepped through. "Remember to call me!"

"We'll remember, we just won't do it!" Pikachu yelled as they all disappeared through the hole. Crazy Hand paused in the air for a while, checking his non-existent wristwatch.

"And now… it grub time! GAAAAHOOHOOHAAHAAHAAHEHHAA!" He rocketed down to the kitchen, punching R.O.B. out a window in the process.

* * *

The Smash Bros. collapsed in a heap. Samus shoved Pit off of her face and stood up.

"Where are we?"

-  _The Great Cave Offensive, Kirby Universe_  –

"Oh, thanks. Man, I love these new location headers…"

"Oh, no, not  _this_  place…!" Kirby groaned. "It's way  _too big_  to be a stage!"

"Why is this Crazy Hand's favourite place?" Shulk asked. A rogue mine cart barreled down the nearby slope, crashing into Shulk and sending him careening into a burning, lava-like patch of wall. He was bounced off onto the ground, where another mine cart promptly ran him and Yoshi over.

"So we got away from Mr. Crazy Hand, but… what exactly are we supposed to do here?" Peach asked, looking around the labyrinthine cavern. A mine cart screamed past, missing her by an inch.

"Yeah, if Crazy Hand was serious about sending us somewhere else, then I guess we're not anywhere near where Master Hand wanted us to be…" Shulk noted, peeling himself off the floor.

"But are we really?" Donkey Kong smirked.

"How do you figure?"

"Master Hand willingly gave Crazy Hand those instructions, remember. He's known and dealt with his brother's quidditative behavior far longer than any of us."

"I'm not sure I caught that word near the end, but I think I understand what you're getting at. Master Hand knew we'd be sent totally off the rails and planned around that, like some kind of reverse-psychology," Shulk concluded.

"Perhaps, or perhaps he simply doesn't care where we end up. Speaking of 'off the rails', we should probably move somewhere safer," the ape segued as yet another mine cart skidded past, knocking Bowser onto his back.

"E-hem. We'll probably have-a a better chance of figuring out just-a where we are if we head to the top," Mario took charge. "Maybe we should-a split up."

Bowser scoffed at his nemesis, trying to right himself. "Right. Split up in a completely foreign maze, with no way to communicate with each other, and just hope we all independently reach the upper levels. That has to be the most idiotic, reckless idea I've heard in my entire-"

* * *

-  _With Bravo Squad_  –

"I hate all you guys," Bowser grumbled, following behind Fox, Zelda, and Yoshi.

"Aww, it's not so bad! If we break off into teams we all get a different experience in these caves!" Yoshi pointed out.

"Split up, and take it to 'em!" Fox agreed.

"Yyyyeah! *hic* Plus, I've gots some rum for you if you want…" the potent potable procuring princess offered, shaking a bottle in Bowser's face. "I like you because your name shounds like 'Boozer'. Sometimes… my council calls me that, and yells about 'royal lineage' this and 'we should switch to democracy' that and stuff…" she chuckled lowly.

"Thank you for the rum, and for the insight into the never-ending nightmare of the Hyrulean government."

"Hey, look, it's Nabbit again! Hi, buddy!" Yoshi interrupted, pointing ahead.

"That asshole wants more?!" Bowser turned around, furious, only to see a lonesome Tac prowling around the ruins looking for loot. "That's not Nabbit."

"Oh, whoops! My mistake! But everyone makes mistakes!" Yoshi smiled. "Still, I wonder what kinds of goodies he's got there!"

"Let's take out that weapon, boys!" Fox ran forward and spin-kicked the Tac, knocking it into a burning Danger Zone. It bounced off, ricocheted off of Bowser's face, and fell down a chasm, taking its bag with it.

Zelda growled in response as the swag disappeared down the hole. "Nishe going… Star… Staaaarf… Staircase. Now we loot the lost."

"You mean 'lost the loot'!" Yoshi smiled. "But don't worry! We can always find more treasure and fruit!"

Bowser nursed his nose. "Man, I bet there was good stuff in there, too. All this thievery makes me wish I was kidnapping the princess, though. I wonder where she is…?"

* * *

-  _With Charlie Squad, a minute ago_ –

Peach merrily skipped along through the crystalline caverns of the Great Cave, falling rocks and devious booby-traps missing her by scant inches. The other members of the third division, Pikachu, Donkey Kong, and Shulk, were not so lucky, running face-first into boulders or getting caught in traps in their effort to keep up with the oblivious princess. She reached a wide expanse of lava and gently floated across, singing.

"She's gonna fall in. She can't make that long a jump," Pikachu noted, pulling his tail out from under a pillar.

Sure enough, Peach's levitation gave out, and she dropped down toward the lava. Just in time, a rock bubbled up from below the surface and immediately cooled. Peach landed safely on it and began skipping across subsequent rocks, all of which just happened to appear at the right time in the right spot.

"Come on, Misters Shulk and Pikachu, and Dr. Kong! It's an easy walk!" She stood on the other side, unharmed.

Shulk attempted to repeat Peach's feat, which almost cost him his feet. He pulled himself away from the lava, hopping up and down while clutching his burned sole. "How did she make it look so easy?!"

Donkey Kong shook his head. "The princess, in all my years as her acquaintance, has never once suffered misfortune or serious injury. Every time she walks into danger, she serendipitously comes out unscathed. Except in one specific regard…"

"MARIO, HELP ME!" Peach yelled out as a Tac stuffed her into its bag and rocketed up through a hole in the ceiling. Just as Shulk, Donkey Kong, and Pikachu managed to reach the other shore, inching their way around the outer ridge, Bowser's pained growl resonated from above and the Tac fell back down, burnt and bruised. Peach rose up out of the bag as the thief's grip slacked. "That was fun! Thanks for saving me, Mario! I think…"

Donkey Kong ignored the princess and approached an odd structure. "Ah, here's how we'll reach the upper levels. Observe this cannon." He gestured at a large cannon that was rotating in the air magically.

"I'm observing it like you said. Is it gonna do a dance or something?" Pikachu asked.

"How does it float and spin like that?" Shulk asked, more seriously.

"These function just like the barrel cannons from my home," DK explained as he jumped in. "You just time it right, and then…" The cannon fired while facing upward, launching the ape up to the higher levels. His voice called down from above. "I must warn you, though! The timing is quite difficult."

"Pfft, piece of cake," Pikachu hopped in. "If you can do it, then obviously I can do it too." He fired too late, crashing headfirst into the wall. Only his tail remained visible.

Peach cheerfully plucked him out like a vegetable. "How do you feel, Mr. Pikachu?"

"Granddad, that's not a golf club, that's a… purple…"

"Did Pikachu just get hurt?" Donkey Kong's voice resonated.

Shulk answered. "Uh, yeah. Pretty badly."

"And I'm up here, where I could not witness his brain contuse. Damn it all."

Pikachu raised a paw. "Thank you, you've been a lovely audience. Now, I'll have the bologna on whole wheat, hold the persimmons…"

* * *

-  _With Alpha Squad_  –

Samus launched a missile at a stone wall, causing it to crumble to pieces.

"Sure, destroy the marvelous architecture that probably took a lifetime to carve," Pit muttered.

"Can it or the next missile rearchitects your face,"

"Don't tell me what to do. I'll stand here and silently judge you all I want."

"But you're not BEING silent!"

"Oh, uh, fair point."

Villager pocketed a treasure chest that tumbled out of the collapsed wall.

"Stealing treasure? How evil."

"I thought you were going to be silent?"

"I can't help it, it's a compulsion"

Mario hopped through the hole into a large, empty chamber. Villager, Samus, and Pit followed.

"WHO DARES ENTER MY DOMAIN?!" a voice boomed from the darkness surrounding them.

"It's-a me, Mario! And it's-a them, Samus, Villager, and-a Pit!"

"YOU VILE CREATURES HAVE TRESPASSED INTO THE CHAMBERS OF THE ALL-POWERFUL WHAM BAM ROCK! STATE YOUR PURPOSE, AND THEN I WILL CRUSH THE GUTS OUT OF YOUR FRAGILE BODIES!"

"Don't you mean ' _or else_ ' you will crush the guts out of our fragile bodies?" Samus asked the omnidirectional voice.

"NO."

"So if we don't state our purpose, you won't do anything?"

"I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE! NOW STOP ASKING QUESTIONS AND PROSTRATE YOURSELVES BEFORE ME!" A gigantic stony face and pair of hands emerged from the darkness, glaring down at the four.

Wanting to appease the ancient stone behemoth and not have the guts crushed out of their fragile bodies, the four of them got down on their hands and knees, keeping their heads low and their rears high.

"Does this satisfy you, mighty rock deity?" Pit asked.

Its massive eyes scanned across them, and relaxed somewhat. "GOOD, GOOD… YOU HAVE APPEASED THE MIGHTY WHAM BAM ROCK." Its eyes lingered on Samus's form. "NOW, CAN THE WOMAN IN BULKY ARMOR REMOVE SAID BULKY ARMOR?"

"Not happening, bub."

"WORTH A TRY. NOW, STATE YOUR PURPOSE, AND THEN I  _WON'T_  CRUSH THE GUTS OUT OF YOUR FRAGILE BODIES!"

"We're-a just trying to get out of this maze! We want-a to find a way to the surface."

"IS THAT ALL? VERY WELL, THE GREAT WHAM BAM ROCK CAN GRANT THIS WISH. IT IS BUT A SMALL PITTANCE COMPARED TO- YOU! THE BOY! YOU HAVE TAKEN SOMETHING THAT  **DOES NOT BELONG TO YOU!** "

A massive stony hand slammed down on the Villager, crushing him.

"Crushing people who steal treasure? How evil," Pit muttered in earshot of Samus.

"You just hate  _everyone_ , huh?"

"NOW, RELINQUISH THE TREASURE, OR I SHALL PAINT THE WALLS WITH YOUR BLOOD!"

Villager's hand weakly wormed its way out from underneath the stony appendage, grabbed the larger hand's thumb, and shoved the whole thing into his pocket.

"RETURN MY HAND AT ONCE, YOU MISERABLE CRETIN!"

Before Wham Bam Rock could squish the boy even more with his remaining hand, a wall on the opposite side of the chamber exploded, and the Delta Squad- Link, Wii Fit Trainer, Kirby, and Mr. Game and Watch, for those who haven't kept track –marched in.

"Oh, sure, destroy the wonderful stonework that probably took an eternity to carve," Mr. Game and Watch muttered at Link. The mute swordsman rolled his eyes.

"MORE BEINGS HAVE INVADED THE LAIR OF WHAM BAM ROCK?! STATE YOUR PURPOSE AND THEN I WILL CRUSH THE GUTS OUT-"

"Wham Bam? Is that you?!" Kirby yelled.

"OH! KIRBY! HOW'YA BEEN?"

"Good, good! You, uh, look different. A lot less like a racist caricature now."

"YEAH, YEAH. GOT A RAD NEW REDESIGN, LOOK MORE KOSHER NOW. KINDA MISS THE LEAFY HEADWEAR, THOUGH."

"If you're done fraternizing with the enemy, can you guys help us out here?" Samus asked, peeling Villager off the floor and arming her cannon.

"No, no, Wham Bam and I are cool. And friends of mine are friends of his, right?"

"OF COURSE." The stone golem sighed. "I GUESS I CAN PART WITH  _ONE_  MEASLEY TREASURE."

Villager tucked the other twenty treasures he had taken deeper into his pocket.

"So, we wanna get to the top levels of this cave. Can you help out?"

"SURE, SURE." He snapped his fingers, and a stone door slid open. "THAT'LL TAKE YOU TO THE TOP. GIVE MY REGARDS TO FATTY WHALE IF YOU SEE HIM, AND TELL HIM THAT HE'S  _SOOOO_  FAT, HIS HIGH SCHOOL YEARBOOK PHOTO WAS TAKEN FROM A HELICOPTER."

"Can do!"

"GREAT! SEE YOU LATER!" The rock deity waved goodbye as the eight left through the secret passage. "…WAIT A SECOND, MY HAND! HE STILL HAS IT! NOOOOO! How can I fist-bump without a hand…?"

* * *

-  _The Great Cave Offensive, Uppermost Levels_  –

Sure enough, the secret passage took the eight spelunkers right up to the top, where grass and trees inexplicably grew despite it still being mostly underground.

"Took you chumps long enough," Bowser snorted, standing with the other seven.

"We wound up going down to the bottom before making it up here, but it was a great workout!" Wii Fit Trainer smiled.

"That's great! Way to put a positive spin on things!" Yoshi applauded. "Even if your lack of a scent creeps me out…"

"Have I told you fellers how much I hate stairs?" Mr. Game and Watch pouted, clutching his back.

"You just need to do more yoga. Then you'll feel twenty years younger!"

"I'm 2D, I  _can't_  bend along that axis!"

Donkey Kong interrupted. "So, are we all just going to stand around babbling about fitness and planes of spatial direction, or are we going to address the 800-pound gorilla in the room?"

Peach perked up. " _You're_ the 800-pound gorilla!"

He sighed. "Yes, and I regretted using that expression the moment I said it, least of all because I mixed up metaphors. I'm talking about  _that_ elephant in the room," he pointed upward at the legion of unfriendly-looking spaceships hovering in the air around the cavern's ceiling, the larger ones having bashed their way in through the surface. Even more pressing was the legion of reptilian Space Pirates ejecting from the sides of the ships. They rappelled down, surrounding the Smash Bros., their arm blasters and energy scythes primed.

"Ohhh," Peach observed. "Wait a second…"

"Arr…!" several of the Pirates growled.

"I guess we're not getting out of this without a fight, huh?" Shulk sighed, activating the Monado.

"Nope. Fine with me, it's been too long since I've shoved a Space Pirate's head up its own rectum," Samus primed her own weapon, waiting for the horde to make their first move.

"Well, well. If it isn't the Subpar Smash. Bros.?" Ridley's inimitable voice called out, the behemoth wading his way through the crowd of Pirates.

"RIDLEYYYY!" Samus shook her fist at the heavens.

"SAMUSSSSS!" Ridley yelled.

"Figured you'd be here too," Samus scowled as she confronted her eternal nemesis, immediately aiming her cannon at the dragon's forehead. Her communicator crackled to life.

"Samus… do you copy?!" Crazy Hand's voice called out from the other end.

"Yeah, I'm here. But I'm a bit busy at the-"

"Samus…! Use your Plasma Beam!"

"I don't have it equipped right now."

"Samus! What's your status!? Samus, do you read me?!"

"I'M FINE, DAMNIT! Christ…"

Ridley glanced around, waiting for Samus to finish.

Samus hung up on Crazy Hand. "Fucking  _Other M_."

"You good now?" Ridley asked.

"Yeah. What do you want, scaly bastard?"

"'Want'? I don't 'want' anything right now. I just thought it was about time I made my…" the space-dragon-pirate-former-cyborg-mutant grinned. " _big_  debut."

"Boooo!" Pikachu hissed at the pun.

"Aye, this one be a ghost!" a Pirate commando called out, backing away from Pikachu.

"No, it just be a bilge rat!" a second Pirate reassured his officer.

"A bilge rat ghost! The  _worst kind_  of ghost!  _And_  the worst kind of bilge rat! Gaaharr!"

"Wait, is there a gorilla, an elephant, or a rat in the room? Make up your minds, please!" Peach complained, but everyone chose to ignore her.

"So, Ridley. I see you're as amaranthine as ever, in both complexion and durability," Donkey Kong folded his arms. "Did we not soundly defeat you twice when we were last gathered?"

"Did you? I honestly have no idea how that whole Subspace Emissary episode folds into this story, if at all," Ridley pondered.

Donkey Kong raised a finger to explain, paused, and relented. "Fair enough, I have no idea myself. The point I was stressing, however: why come here?"

"Didn't I just answer that? I'm here to make my  _big_  debut!"

"It wasn't funny the first time," Pikachu grumbled.

"But seriously, I'm here by order of the sorta-great Sorceress Cia, sent to vanquish her enemies or something and somesuch before you get too powerful. But  _I_  specifically volunteered for this mission because  _Samus_  and I have unfinished business," Ridley grinned, glancing at the hunter out the corner of his eye.

"That we do."

"So the… one, two, three, four… seven… fourteen… does the little kid in the red '1' shirt count as a Smasher? I'm gonna count him… fifteen of you can play with my friends here, while Samus and I have a nice, lengthy  _chat_." Small flames trickled out of his jowls as he spoke.

"I do love our little 'chats'," Samus quipped back, already charging up a Power Beam.

"And it's a private conversation, so don't  _any_  of you- you know what? We've stretched this metaphor out far enough. Don't interfere."

"Yeah, what he said," Samus agreed.

"Get a room, lovebirds," Pikachu rolled his eyes. "Seriously, I have literally a million more important things I could be doing right now, like flaunting my mascot status over the new set of Pokémon they're making. Are we just gonna make bad puns and kinda-creepy metaphors all day, or are we gonna  _smash_?"

Ridley shrugged. "Have it your way. Pirates! Kill them all!"

"Aye, did not the fair lassie Cia tell us to grant Link quarter?" a Phazite-armored Pirate asked.

"I kinda tuned her out. Now, charge!"

The horde of Pirates let out a deafening, gargled war cry and charged, surrounding the fifteen Smashers as Samus and Ridley began an epic duel off to the side.

"Well, are you happy?" Bowser asked Pikachu as the army encroached.

"You mean in general, or with this specific situation?" Electricity began to crackle from his cheeks. "…Because yes."

Peach tapped Donkey Kong on the shoulder as the horde pounced.

"Yes, Peach? What is of such pertinence that it takes priority over this battle?"

She frowned "I've looked around at all of them but I don't think  _any_  of them are elephants."

* * *

\- ? _?, Pokémon Universe_ -

Master Hand twiddled his fingers nervously. "So… can you help?"

The powerful Pokémon he was speaking with narrowed its eyes. "You dash my hopes and dreams of being in Brawl, then come crawling to me for help, huh?"

"Yeah, look, I'm sorry. There were time constraints, you see, and Mr. Sakurai said you were lower priority compared to, well, y'know."

"'Lower priority'? My Shadow Ball technique is about as interesting a mechanic as its gets, yet I'm 'lower priority'? Talk about insulting…"

"Look, man, this threat endangers every world, including yours. The least you could do is pitch in a little.

Well, okay. Perhaps I  _could_  help you…"

"Yes, thank you… Giratina! Nobody knows dimensional anomalies like you."

The now-identified ghostly dragon spoke up. "BUT! I have a condition."

"I'm, uh, sorry to hear that. Gout? Fibromyalgia?"

"What?! No, no, I mean there is a conditional request for you to fulfill before I lend my support."

"And that is?"

Giratina leaned in and grinned. "I wanna be in your upcoming tournament!"

Master Hand would have blinked if he had eyes. "Uh, wow. Umm, okay, see, you're… kinda too big."

Giratina was silent for a moment. "…What? Oh. Oh! Hall of Origin, no, I didn't mean as a fighter! I meant as a Pokéball summon!"

"Oh, that makes more sense. But, uh, there's no more room there. I've already got the list sorted out, and…"

"Let me see that list."

Master Hand conjured up his list of support Pokémon and handed the obnoxiously large sheet to Giratina, who retrieved a pair of spectacles with one of its tentacles. "Lessee here… Huh! Totally booked, how about that? But I'm sure you could make room for me. Maybe just… bump one of these names off? How about this… 'Dee-al-guh' thing? Probably one of those new ones, I'm sure it won't mind."

"That's your sibling. I'm not an idiot."

"But  _he_  is. Or, it is. Never understood what pronouns to describe ourselves with. Either way, he's too stupid to do anything about it, and the way I see it, you  _need_  my help way more than you need him in your game."

"I  _guess_  I could cross him off the list and put you in…"

"Good, good. Then you have my might in your quest."

"Excellent! Think you can dissipate the existing holes, and help me coordinate an assault on-"

"Hold your Rapidashes, handyman. I said I'd give you my 'might', but my might isn't very… 'mighty' right now. I lost my Griseous Orb."

"Oof. That's… a complication."

"Yeah, I need it if I'm gonna do any large-scale fiddling with dimensions. I don't know where the blasted thing went, though…"

* * *

-  _Unknown Realm_  –

"Ahh, this… 'Griseous Orb', was it? It looks very good on the end of my scepter, I must say," Cia fawned over her weapon, the shimmering stone on the end of it amplifying its power. "I'm so glad you stole this for me. Where did you say you got it from?"

"Uh, some snake guy in some weirdo dimension. No big deal," Dark Meta Knight shrugged. "He left it sitting around on his dining room table. Can you believe it?"

"Hmmhmmhmm… There's just one problem…" She turned the topaz-colored polyhedron around, examining it. "It's… not very 'griseous', is it?"

"Not much of an orb, either."

* * *

-  _Distortion World, Pokémon Universe_ –

"So if you can find me my precious orb, I'll do everything in my power to help. And believe me, that power will be  _more_  than enough," Giratina boasted, coiling around a rock formation as he spoke. "I knew I should have invested in an office safe. Apparently living in a hellish landscape between worlds just isn't secure enough anymore.

"Good, good. But until then, can I count on your support?"

"…You can have my moral support. Go get 'em, you can do it! You can win!"

"…Thanks? Now I have to figure out how to break this news to Dialga, though."

"He's Dialga. He already knew this would happen."

"Right," Master Hand retrieved his burlap trench-coat-styled glove from Giratina's coat rack, and slipped it on, hovering back toward the Distortion World's exit.

"Oh, and Master Hand…"

"Yes?"

"I can sense something in your realm."

"And that would be?"

"A package just arrived at your doorstep."

"That must be my contact. It's been good meeting with you, but now I need to get back home."

"Also, Crazy Hand just found your old marble collection, and is flicking them around your mansion."

"IF HE LOSES MY RARE PURPLE GLASS CAT-EYE I WILL BREAK HIS FINGERS OFF AND FEED THEM TO HIM." The hand rocketed away, tearing a path back home.

Giratina settled down for some rest. "Man, that dialogue went on too long."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's called the Great Cave Offensive because of Wham Bam Rock's old design.


	14. A Big Battle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author's Note:** This was published on the one-year anniversary. Enjoy.
> 
> Published 7/14/16

-  _The Great Cave Offensive, Kirby Universe_  –

"So, anyone want to list off any of their life's regrets?" Pikachu asked. The footsteps of the Space Pirate army were causing the ground to shake around the Smash Bros. Their photon blades cut rivets into the ground with a  _vwoosh_ sound as they dragged across the grassy cavern floor, their owners howling and roaring with bloodthirst.

"Aww, now's not a time to give up hope, Pikachu! We can get through this if we work together!" Yoshi grinned.

"Oh, I know  _I'm_  getting out alive. I was just wondering if you B-listers had any embarrassing stories I could laugh about once you're six feet under."

"I don't plan on dying either, but I regret never telling Peach how much I appreciate her cooperation in my kidnappings. She's a real gem," Bowser muttered, baring his claws.

"And  _I_  regret not doing  _this_  sooner." Kirby inhaled Pikachu and swallowed him, gaining his power and ejecting the rodent in an undignified heap.

At last, the army of Space Pirates collided with the Smash Bros., and an all-out brawl of fists, lasers, swords, and other assorted weapons erupted. Donkey Kong let his fist fly right into a line of three Pirates, bowling them over, while Link engaged two sword-wielding Pirates at the same time. Mario, meanwhile, leapt around the battlefield using his cape to reflect energy blasts back at their senders, while Kirby used his new power to electrocute any Pirates who got too close.

Pikachu rubbed his head and stood back up, observing Kirby putting the stolen power to use. "Son of a- HEY! Hold on! Unlicensed use of my likeness! Ohh, I am gonna sue the  _crap_  outta you!" Pikachu's smirk curled upward toward his ears. The thought of Kirby starving away, buried in poverty and lawsuits entertained him even as a Space Pirate kicked him away like a football.

Kirby used Thunder Jolt on the Pirate to stun him, then pulled out a hammer and whacked it hard in the back, breaking several vertebrae through the armor. A second Pirate opened fire with its blaster, forcing Kirby to shield. Link finished his opponents just in time to leap into the fray, cutting the trigger-happy Pirate's arm off with a jump attack and shield-bashing him in the face to knock him to the ground.

To the side, Shulk was currently dueling a Commando Pirate in a swordfight, sparks of energy flittering through the air each time the Monado collided with the photon blade.

"Yarr, ye be a good arm with that laser sword, but I be the dread Commando Y'klarflub,  _scourge_  of the seven-hundred galactic seas!"

Shulk scratched his head. "I'm sorry, mate, I have absolutely no clue what language you're speaking."

Y'klarflub began yelling something in an even-less-decipherable Space Pirate tongue, wagging his blade at the Homs. Shulk saw this as an opening and cleaved the Monado through the Pirate's waist, putting an end to the legend of Y'klarflub. Before he could catch his breath, a barrage of blaster fire peppered his back, burning holes through his jacket. He fell to the ground as another Pirate swung his blade down at Shulk's neck, moving in for the kill. At the last second, the Pirate was bowled over by one of his own comrades tossed by Donkey Kong.

"Indubitable defeat. Pushed past the tip of labascation by your own ilk."

"Huh. Thanks, Donkey! Uh, I can call you that now, right?"

"Oh, absolutely. However, it's pronounced 'Dr. Kong'. Now, then, shall we-"

"HEATHEN PIRATES! HEED MY WORDS AND YOU MAY REACH SALVATION YET!" Pit had jumped up on a rock and bellowed out his words across the Pirate masses. "Accept Lady Palutena as your savior, and I shall spare your lives."

"Arr, go to Space Hell, ye maggot."

Pit grinned. "Good, I was hoping you'd refuse." He broke his bow in half to create two separate blades, and jumped down into the melee, slicing Pirates apart and parrying incoming strikes with ease.

Shulk was more impressed by the weapon than the skills of its wielder. "Wow, your bow can come apart and go back together like that? That's awesome!"

"Uh… it's not actually  _supposed_  to, I just wanted two blades for that." He looked forlornly at the broken ends of the blades, and pulled out a roll of duct tape to repair the bow with.

The Pirate whose hand was cut off by Link charged at Pit while he was distracted, flailing his new hook hand around haphazardly. Shulk saw the danger and moved in to help, but before he could get close Yoshi rolled past in an eggshell, quite literally knocking the Pirate's legs out from under him. The now-triple-amputee Pirate swore in alien tongue as he dragged himself across the ground toward one of their docked ships.

"Should… should I stop him? For his own sake?" Shulk asked out loud, watching the Pirate stain the grassy floor a gross yellow with the blood oozing from his leg stumps.

Before Pit could answer, Zelda stumbled over and picked up one of the severed Pirate legs. "Hey, lookses! I've got a leg up over the competishish…!" She waded back into the brawl, smacking Pirates across the head with the limb and stumbling just barely around blades and blaster shots alike.

* * *

On a lower level of the cave, Pikachu tumbled to the floor with a light thud, his Space Pirate kick voyage coming to a halt. "Damnit. I'm all alone down here. …Uh, I mean, ha! What I said was, 'I don't  _need_  my allies in order to kick ass all alone down here'!"

Three Pirates heard him talking to himself, and rappelled down the wall, yarring and gahaaring at the mouse, who assessed the situation before frantically dashing over to a treasure chest.

"I could definitely take you all on by myself, but I want to practice with items on, okay?! C'mon, c'mon, there's gotta be something useful here…" He pulled out an Assist Trophy. "Sweet!"

The glass capsule was shattered, and out emerged Dr. Wright.

"Aww, what? I find a rare item and all I get is a green-haired Adolf Hitler?!"

Pikachu pouted, but then a blaster shot grazed past his ear, singeing his fur.

"Gah! Save me, Hitler!"

Dr. Wright approached the three Pirates and poked the ground near the center one with his pointer.

"Starting today, you're the mayor!" he cheerfully announced.

"Gar? I be no petticoat-wearing landlubber, ye gi-"

A miniature city erupted from the ground, the center Pirate meeting a gruesome end on a skyscraper antenna while the other two were smacked back into the cavern walls, down for the count. Dr. Wright wiped his brow and disappeared back into the ether.

"Well, that worked better than I thought it would."

* * *

Ridley and Samus had been locked in battle for quite a while now.

"SAMUSSSSSSS!"

"RIDLEEEEEEEY!"

"WHY ARE WE YELLIIIIING?!"

"Because I'm pissed off!" Samus punctuated that statement with a Super Missile, blasting Ridley's extended claw away from her helmet.

"Why?"

"Because I hate you!"

"Why?" Ridley smacked Samus in the chest with the side of his tail, but the hunter recovered quickly.

"Because of all the shit you've done to me. Like when you trashed a Chozo artifact site, and knocked me into a generator shaft, and stole the Metroid Hatchling, and died, and then your clone harassed me, and probably some other shit I can't remember. But you know what I'll  _never_  forgive you for."

"Killing your parents and eating them?" Ridley had taken to the air, stabbing his tail into the ground trying to impale Samus.

"What? Oh, that was annoying. But I'm talking about that time I went to Auntie Gravity's Interstellar Diner on Asteroid 512M-FN in the Klar Nebula. You were in the booth next to mine. I got a grilled cheese and fries, and when I went to salt up the fries it turned out you had loosened the salt shaker's cap while I wasn't looking! For ruining my meal, you must  **die**." A Charge Beam burst against Ridley's chest, staggering the beast.

"Oof… Ha HA! I forgot all about that! That was revenge for the time you switched all the labels around on my filing cabinets during your first Zebes base raid, though. Do you know how long it took me to re-sort everything?! It was worse than the time Kraid re-sorted my files by how the folders tasted!"

"I forgot I did that. Speaking of Kraid, did you ever find the Kraid porn I hid in there?"

"Oh, that explains Ensign D'voriscy clawing his own eyes out while helping me. Ol' No-Eye, we call him now." Ridley grabbed Samus and dragged her roughly across a cavern wall, but she smacked a rock into Ridley's eye and escaped while he reflexively rubbed the spot. "Well, until he was accused of insubordination. Now we call him Cadaver No. 1593512, A.K.A. Elite Pirate Ration Supply No. 1593512, but it was fun while it lasted."

"Huh, what was his traitorous act?" Samus asked casually, the fight being autopilot muscle memory for both of them.

"Complaining about the green door to the latrines on the SPC  _Scylla_  only being openable with a high-frequency mining cannon, or something of that nature, I think. Ol' Poopypants, we called him."

"Wait, I thought he was No-Eye?"

"We cycle through nicknames pretty quickly in the Space Pirate Confederation. I was once known as Sir Llewellyn Merriweather Haitaka Francesco di Trichinopoly de la Guillermo the Ninth, Esquire for a length of time shorter than it took me to say that name."

"Fascinating! By the way, I've got a present for you." Samus jammed her arm cannon into Ridley's mouth and fired a Super Missile. Ridley staggered back, collapsing onto his knee.

"Ergh… hey, did you keep the receipt? I hope you're not offended if I decide to  _regift_  that…" He belched out a fireball that knocked Samus backwards into a wall.

* * *

The Villager faced off against a lone Pirate Commando.

"Shiver me timbers, you're a small lad! It'd not be right for you to meet your end to a scallywag like me."

He pulled an electrified sword out of its holster. "But we're not exactly right, are we? Draw your weapon!"

The Villager reached into his pocket, pulled out Wham Bam Rock's hand, and slammed it down on the Commando.

"Gar."

Meanwhile, the one-armed no-legged Pirate had successfully replaced his feet with peg legs. He glanced down at his artificial legs, then at his artificial hand, then at his natural hand. Shrugging, he lopped the remaining limb off with his hook and replaced it with a hook as well.

"Arr, that be more symmetrical."

He hobbled back into battle, but Mr. Game & Watch parachuted down next to him and blasted him in the eyes with 2D bug spray, which hurt less because of being harmful fumes and more because it was composed of infinitely-sharp dimensionally-anomalous particles interacting with a 3D world.

The Pirate howled in pain and hobbled back to his ship, retrieving a pair of eyepatches to complete the look. Just as he achieved Pirate nirvana and began to ascend to the pantheon, an Elite Pirate stomped out of the ship, crushing him under his heel and swatting several lesser Pirates out of the way with his arms as he approached the Smash Bros.

" **Despair.** "

"Well, you're a big guy, aren't you?" Kirby asked, tilting his head at the sight.

The Wii Fit Trainer stopped slicing a Pirate to ribbons with a hula hoop to gawk at the newcomer. "Ooh, impressive! Can you show me what Space Pirate fitness regimens are like to achieve results like that?"

"Actually, I think those guys are just pumped up on gallons of Phazon," Bowser commented, swatting a Pirate Aerotrooper into its comrade. "At least, that's what Samus said."

The Wii Fit Trainer frowned, and then scowled. "Juicing? How d͈̝i̟̙̥̭͙̣̯sa̼̭̪͖p̲̼͖po̪͔̖̭̺i̝̞̹͡n̳̠͖̖ti̪̱̦̪̙͚͈ṋg̮͎̯͓͔̖͎.͏̙̦͈̦̩̠.̴̹.̛̱̠̘̺," she sighed, charging up a Sun Salutation.

The Elite Pirate trudged forward, attempting to squash Kirby, who dodged around its feet trying to shock it with Pikachu's power. It was unclear whether the monster was protected from electrical shocks by its armor or simply had too degraded a nervous system to be affected, but either way Kirby made no progress. As it tried stomping the puffball, it also fired plasma grenades at Bowser and Mario, who danced around trying not to burn their feet. An arrow from Pit's reassembled bow struck its left shoulder at the same time one of Link's struck its right, the former projectile leaving a glowing wound and the latter embedding itself painfully. The Wii Fit Trainer's fully-charged Sun Salutation was released, striking it in the chest and toppling it over.

"Now, someone finish this insult to proper health and training off!"

Mario took this as his cue, and grabbed Bowser's tail.

"Hey! Lemme go, you idio- whoa, whoa,  _whooaaa…! Stop spinning meeeeee!"_

Mario released Bowser, sending him flying up into the air and onto the prone Pirate with fatal force. "So long-ay, Bowser!"

Bowser pulled himself up off the oozing corpse. "I'm not gay. And even if I was, why would you say that? It's not very heroic to discriminate, you know."

"But I said-a 'So long-ay, Bowser!'"

Bowser and Mario got into a long argument about who said what and how annoying Mario's accent was. Off to the side, Zelda had somehow knocked a Pirate's entire upper jaw off with the severed leg, and was remorsefully pouring absinthe down the exposed neckhole to try and make it better.

That was the sight Pikachu was greeted by as he climbed up out of the lower levels. "Well, this is stupid."

Kirby walked up to him, taking a break from the horde of Pirates. "This is how it usually is when we're not actually fighting  _each other_. And sometimes even when we are."

"Yeah, I suppose you have a- Hey, you're still using my powers?! Stop infringing on my copyright! I should charge you ten thousand dollars for every watt you produce!"

"You don't own the entire concept of electricity!"

" **I** _ **am**_ **the entire concept of electricity!** " he yelled loud enough to bring the entire battle to a halt, Pirate and Smasher alike looking in his direction. "Yeah, you probably think I feel like a real idiot yelling like that, don't you? I'm not embarrassed at all, actually. I was simply speaking the truth."

* * *

Ridley and Samus were too busy to be distracted by the screechings of an arrogant rodent. Their fight had degenerated into rapid-fire Power Beam shots, claw swipes, Missiles, and tail stabs.

"Why won't you  **die**?!" Samus squawked.

"Why won't  **you**  die?!" Ridley squawked back.

"Why won't  **either of us**  die already?!"

"You foolish woman, you know I can't die! I am the almighty and unstoppable Ridley! The biggest and baddest Space Pirate around!"

"So big you couldn't get into Smash Bros.  _Ohhhhhh!_ "

Ridley rolled his eyes. "Yeah, laugh it up! But next time I'm  _definitely_  gonna be in."

"That's what you said about Brawl."

"Yes, but-"

"And this one."

"Well, maybe my invite hasn't arrived yet! You ever think about that?"

Samus's communication line crackled to life. "Is this thing on?" Crazy Hand's voice blurted from the other side.

"Yes, but-"

"Put me on speaker! Put me on speaker!"

Samus did as requested. "It's for you, Ridley."

"Okay, good! Bro wanted me to say speak this to Ridley if he ever asked about that. The answer is… yes!"

Ridley whooped and jumped up, clacking his heels together in excitement. "See?! I told you!"

"…And that is the opposite of the answer I supposed to give you! I just felt like that. The real answer is, and I quoting, 'No, never, not in a trigintillion years, like hell you're ever being a fighter in my tournament.' End quoting. HOO HOO HAA."

Ridley's face fell to a neutral, emotionless expression. "Oh. Okay. Good day."

Samus hung up. "Now, can we get back to our fight?"

"No."

"Why the hell not?"

"I don't feel like it anymore. Goodbye." The larger-than-life dragon calmly walked away, back to the primary battlefield. "Pack it up, boys. We're leaving."

"Gahaar?! But these scurvy dogs were about to walk the space plank!"

"Don't care. Let's go."

Samus caught up. "Aww, come on! I was having fun!"

"Sorry, maybe another day. Pirates, I don't see you moving."

"Yarr… can we at least keelhaul one of 'em? Maybe the creepy boy." A flattened Pirate Commando suggested.

"Ship. Go."

The Pirates collectively sighed, and began their march back into the space ships.

"In the name of Lady Palutena, what did you  _do_  to him?" Pit asked Samus, flabbergasted by Ridley's decision.

"Crushed his hopes and dreams, I guess." She grinned under her helmet. "Good."

Ridley's voice called out from above, the Pirate leader hanging out the door of his flagship. "By the way,  _Samus_!" he spat with particular venom in his voice. "I've been saving this for years. When I  _killed your parents_ … That wasn't the  _first_  time I had encountered your father! He and I have a bit of a history!"

"What do you know about my dad, asshole?"

"It's a long story! Goodbye!"

"Get back here!" She fired several shots up at him, but he ducked back into the ship and took off through a hole in the cavern ceiling, returning to base.

"Damnit, he got away." She pouted. "I wanted to know."

Yoshi beamed with the radiance of a hypernova. "Hooray! We ended the fight by talking things out! And that's a real victory! Good job, everyone!"

Samus shot him with a Missile.

* * *

-  _Sukazu Castle, Street Fighter Universe_  –

Meta Knight, Robin, Lucina, Olimar, Wario, and Toon Link stepped out of the portal, entering a new world.

"Ah. Finally, human civilization. I… really didn't like being bitesized," Lucina commented, looking around at the pagodas and Eastern-style structures that now surrounded our beta team.

"Which realm is this, Meta Knight?" Robin asked. "It reminds me of Chon'sin."

"This is… Wait, what  _is_ this realm? It doesn't look like anything I've heard of in the Nintendo multiverse."

"Did we maybe exit that multiverse?" Lucina posited.

"I don't think we should stay here long… Let's look for another portal."

"HEY, GUY!" Toon Link cupped his hands into the shape of a megaphone, yelling loud enough to shatter windows if there were any around. "WHAT'CHA DOIN' UP THERE!"

Lucina unplugged her ears. "Gods! Why does everything keep hurting my ears on this adventure?"

"Seriously, what the hell was that for, Toon Link?" Meta Knight demanded.

"I was trying to talk to the guy up on the roof!" He pointed up, and sure enough there was a man sitting on one of the castle's beams, silently meditating. "I  _know_  he heard me…"

"Huh, how about that. Maybe one or two of you should climb up there and ask him for directions?"

Robin blinked. "… _You're_  the one who can fly."

"Yeah, after that gliding incident I'm not sure I wanna try an altitude like that. Let's put it to a vote. Who votes that Wario and I go up there?"

Robin raised his hand.

"Who votes Olimar and Toon Link go up there?"

Nobody raised their hands.

"Who votes Robin and Lucina go up there?"

Meta Knight raised his own hand, and Toon Link and Olimar joined him. Just to add insult to injury, Meta Knight grabbed Wario's arm and pointed it upward, the large man too busy picking his nose with his other hand to care.

"That makes it four for Robin and Lucina, one for me and Wario, and one abstention."

"Damnit."

* * *

Robin wheezed as he pulled himself up onto the highest parapet of Suzaku Castle. "I think I might… take the fast way down… after this…"

Lucina jumped up after him. "You need to exercise more. Wait, couldn't you have just used Elwind to fly up here?"

"What? You can't fly with tomes, Lucina… That's just silly."

"Well, if you say so. Regardless, we're here."

She approached the meditating man, who raised one eyebrow in response to her presence but did not bother to open his eyes.

"Excuse me, sir?"

"I sense you are a powerful warrior. Fight me."

"I'm not here for that."

"Then leave."

"I just want directions."

"And I just want a strong challenger."

"Have you seen any weird portals around here? We're looking for a way out of this world and to the next."

"You could always take the fast way down from here if that's truly what you desire, but I don't recommend it."

"I didn't mean 'next world' like that."

"No, I have not seen any 'weird portals'. Unless you wish to fight me now, I must ask you to leave and not disrupt my training any further."

"Well, okay. But I admit, I am curious. What does this do for you?"

The man opened his eyes. "I am Ryu. I seek to be the strongest warrior in the world. Meditating up here gives me peace of mind. It is also a good place to practice some of my techniques, such as the Hadoken."

Robin perked up. "The… Hadoken?"

"Yes, the Hadoken." Ryu stood up. "HADOKEN!" He fired off a blue ball of ki, which traveled a few feet before dissipating.

"How did you do that without a tome?!"

Ryu sat back down and closed his eyes, meditating once more. "Tomes? Reading is for the weak. I seek only strength, not history or literature."

"No, see, I have tomes that let me- nevermind. What other techniques do you know?"

"Many, such as the Shoryuken and the Tatsumaki Senpukyaku. But I am done demonstrating."

"Whoa, hold on. The… Tatsu… mahi…"

Ryu's eyebrow twitched. Lucina noticed this. "Uh, Robin?"

"Senpo…"

Ryu scowled and opened his eyes. Lucina noticed this as well. "Robin? Stop."

"Yuckoo? Did I pronounce it right?"

"You have insulted the Tatsumaki Senpukyaku. This is a grave insult that cannot go unpunished." Ryu stood up, and began to shuffle toward Robin, Street Fighter-style.

**ROUND 1! FIGHT!**

"How are you walking like that, and what was with that voice? W-wait a second, 'punish' me? Why?!"

"Did I not already say? You have insulted the Tatsumaki Senpukyaku. Your punishment shall be the pain of one Shin Shoryuken."

Lucina tried to stop him. "Wait, don't you think this is a bit extreme?"

Robin chimed in, backing up until his heels were hanging over the edge of the castle. "And not that I really want to know, but wouldn't it make more sense to use the Taso- the move I mispronounced, rather than a different one?"

"The Tatsumaki Senpukyaku has been dishonored by your butchery, and cannot be used again until it is avenged."

"How does  _anyone_  pronounce that right on the first try?!"

Ryu silently pushed past Lucina and continued toward Robin, still shuffling his feet in that weird classic fighting game way.

"Uh… uh… I'M TAKING THE FAST WAY DOWN!" Robin belted out, dropping off the ledge and plummeting toward the ground hundreds of feet down.

Ryu blinked, considering his next move. "Is your friend an idiot?"

Lucina sighed. "If he survives that fall, I'm probably going to be the one who has to carry his broken body around. So right now, I'm not in the mood to say anything other than 'yes'."

Robin looked for anything he could use to slow his fall. "Maybe I should have thought this through…! That wasn't very tactical of you, was it Robin?!"

Desperate, he pulled out an Elwind tome and cast the wind magic downward, braking his fall and allowing him to land relatively unharmed on the ground. "Huh, I can't believe that worked." He grinned, looking at the helpful tome. "I think I have a new favorite use for you."

The earth near Robin erupted into a cloud of dust, Ryu hitting the ground with the force of a small meteorite. The warrior emerged from the dust, his glare fixated on Robin as he continued moving forward.

"Oh, COME ON!" Robin whined, sprinting in the opposite direction.

Lucina slowly made her way down the castle wall, watching Robin run away from the unstoppable juggernaut. She simply sighed, and turned her attention back to descending safely.

Toon Link happened to be on Robin's path, and he grabbed the tactician as he ran past. "Whoa, what's the rush, pal? And did you just get the meditating dude to join us?"

"No time… wants my blood… go do Toon Link stuff to him  _please_!" Robin begged of the cel-shaded swordsman.

"Uh, sure. Meta Knight found a way out almost as soon as you started your climb, by the way. He's over there."

"Thanksthanksthanks!" Robin took off in that direction.

Toon Link turned to look at Ryu. "Sheesh, you look like you're a real blast at a party, eyebrows. Alright, let's see you deal with… this!" He erected a brick wall in Ryu's path in a matter of seconds. Ryu simply walked into it, the bricks crumbling apart as he pushed his way through.

"A wise guy, huh? How about… this!?" Toon Link reached into his belt and pulled out a remote control. He pushed a big red button, a steel wall rising in front of Ryu by its command. The indomitable man didn't even blink or acknowledge the hazard, pushing against it until the metal strained and rended apart. Ryu's march was not slowed in the slightest.

"Okay, this is getting kinda silly, even by my standards." Toon Link pulled out a wooden mallet with a head about the size of Final Destination, and slammed it down dead-center on Ryu with enough force to send dust and dirt flying for miles around. "That oughta do it. Easy as stabbing Ganondorf in the forehead!"

The wood began to creak and splinter apart as Ryu forced his way through that too, undeterred. He emerged, shuffling past Toon Link and keeping his eyes locked on Robin's cloaked back.

Toon Link gaped in awe at the man's sheer determination. "You are one tough nut to crack. I'm almost kinda tempted to let you reach Robin just to see what you do to him. Buuut I gave him my word, so…" He pushed a second button on the remote, and the floor beneath Ryu opened up to reveal a massive treadmill, which began rolling its tread. Unfortunately, it was facing the wrong way, and instead of slowing Ryu's progress simply provided him with a speed boost.

"Ahaha. Oops."

"'Oops?' That's all you can say about that?" Lucina asked, catching up and watching the spectacle. "Also, what is 'that', while I'm asking?"

"It's a treadmill. You don't have those in your time."

"I thought you said we had similar levels of technology?"

"I never said  _I_  had them in  _my_  time!"

Lucina sighed, realizing this line of questioning would get her nowhere. "Look, he's traveling in a straight line, so maybe… I don't know, find a way to make his path longer?"

"Ooh, great idea, Luci!" He pulled out a shovel and quickly dug a trench in front of Ryu, turning a five-meter stretch of dirt into a deep half-pipe that was more than ten times that in surface length. Sure enough, Ryu did not deter from his course, walking down through the pit.

"Okay, let's get out of here now," Lucina grinned, joining Toon Link in following Robin's trail.

* * *

By the time Ryu emerged from the pit, walking up a nearly 90-degree surface to do so, the six foreigners were gone, and the portal they used to escape had disappeared as well.

"Hmm. He escaped." Ryu closed his eyes and sniffed the air. "I sense you. You cannot run forever. I will not rest until I have delivered my Shin Shoryuken to your jaw, and restored the Tatsumaki Senpukyaku to its rightful glory."

He marched in a different direction, following what he believed to be a path to Robin.

" _Also, he doesn't need to know that_ I _flubbed the pronunciation for five years before I realized I was saying it wrong."_


	15. Planet of the Japes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author's Note:** Originally published 10/24/16

_With each passing hour they grow closer to discovering the coordinates of your home world, by detecting residual transport energy from your own dimensional activities. I strongly advise you, Master Hand, to make yourself scarce; no more opening holes to other realms unless necessary, no correspondence over interdimensional communication link. These actions leave trails as they echo across reality, and trails eventually lead somewhere._

_Expect future correspondence from me infrequently; it is difficult to find a secure means of delivering these missives, moreso now with their increased surveillance capabilities; I suspect this is due to the artifact now powering Cia's magic._

_\- Bigthroat_

* * *

"Ghrrblglarbll."

That's what Pikachu would have said, if sound could travel through the vacuum of space. It cannot, however, and as such, it sounded more like " ".

" _I knew a portal would dump us into deep space! I_ said _it would happen! The prophecy has come true!"_ he wailed within the confines of his own head as he drifted helplessly, watching his allies flail around as well. The lack of oxygen posed a significant problem, among other unpleasant symptoms of deep space travel, and it wasn't long before the rodent passed out.

* * *

Pikachu woke with a start, gasping for air.

"DAMN YOU SPACE!"

He glanced around, finding himself to be still very much alive, and on a grassy planetoid small enough to see its curvature, yet with an apparently breathable atmosphere. Someone had laid him out on a tiny blanket, and judging by the dozen or so empty blankets in the vicinity he was not the only one to be given this hospitality, but the last one to regain consciousness.

"Well, that's a relief."

"Oh, you're awake! Thank goodness! You should know better than to be flying around in deep space with no space suit, young mister!" A cyan-dressed woman scooped him up and nuzzled him in a death grip against her upper chest.

"Let go of me now or die."

"Oh, your fur is all messed up, darling child. Here, let me groom it for you."

"I  _said_ , let go of me now or di-" The woman began running her hand through his fur, straightening it. "Ohhh, that's nice. Keep doing that."

"Oh, good, you're not dead," Bowser grunted, stomping over toward Pikachu and his new friend. "We've got stuff to do, so-"

"Don't talk to me, Boozer, I'm being groomed. I'll be with you in a few hours, go do… whatever it is dumb beasts like you do when you're bored. Kidnap Peach or something."

Bowser scowled, flames trickling from the corners of his mouth. "You're one to talk, calling me a beast. I oughta fry you up and eat you…" He thought for a while, and relented. "But kidnapping Peach sounds like a good idea actually. Don't massage him too much, Rosalina. You might make him even softer and mushier than he already is."

Pikachu looked up from his grooming. "Eat a dick."

The woman, whom we now all know is Rosalina, struck him on the back of the head. "Language!"

"Indeed it is."

"Hmph. No more grooming for you until you clean up your potty mouth, mister."

The Luma hovering around Rosalina also huffed, putting its stubby arms on its hips and tilting away from Pikachu.

* * *

"So what is this place, anyway? It's a pretty dinky planetoid," Samus mused, already hatching a plot to explode the sphere.

Mario answered. "This is a planet from-a the Gateway Galaxy, a small cluster of planetoids near-a the more famous Good Egg Galaxy."

"That's too confusing, let's just call this whole thing Mario Galaxy."

"But it's not-a even mine…"

"Why do they call it the Good Egg Galaxy?" Shulk asked.

"Because-a all the planetoids are shaped like eggs?"

Yoshi chimed in. "Ooh! The eggs I lay are all shaped like eggs too! Isn't that a cool coincidence?"

Samus brushed the dinosaur off. "Truly, it is. So this planet must be pretty dense for its size if it has gravity as strong as Earth's. How many tons of explosive force do you think it'd take to bust it?"

Yoshi looked horrified. "Wh-why would you blow up this wonderful land where the nice lady gave us blankets and food and-?"

"Huh? Oh, I'm just wondering. I think about that a lot."

A planetoid shaped exactly like Mario's head rocketed past, sailing through the cosmos like a grotesque child conceived during a four-way between a potato, an asteroid, a battleship, and… Mario's head.

"If-a you blow up  _any_  planets, can it be-a that one? It  _still_  creeps me out…"

Bowser stomped over. "You seen Peach around here?"

"Are you going to kidnap her?" Samus asked.

"No! Of course not!"

She leered at him through her visor. Bowser scowled.

She removed her helmet and glared directly into Bowser's eyes. Bowser shifted nervously, rubbing his foot against the soil.

"…Maybe a little bit?"

"How do you only kidnap someone 'a little bit'? Do you, like, only rip off their arm and hold that hostage? That sounds way worse," Shulk winced.

"Peach is having a princess tea party with Zelda, and trying to rope Rosalina into joining. You can kidnap her if you want but there's nowhere else to go on this planetoid until Rosalina helps us off," Samus stated. "So it would be pointless."

"Isn't everything, in the end?" Bowser retorted.

* * *

"This is such a nice tea party, isn't it, fellow princesses?" Peach smiled and poured herself more tea.

Zelda glumly stirred hers, and Rosalina shook her head at Peach. "Now, now, young lady. Tea's high in caffeine. Don't drink too much or you'll never get to sleep! And make sure to brush your teeth after you're finished!" Her Luma hovered nearby, mimicking Rosalina's tea-sipping movements.

Peach smiled again. "It's so nice to have someone looking out for me!" She continued pouring tea into her cup, the hot liquid overflowing and pouring all over the table she had somehow set up on the planetoid.

"I don' think I'm… like this 'tea'…" Zelda muttered, inspecting the beverage. "I'ma just stick with my ushual poison…" She retrieved a flask of brandy, and was about to take a sip before Rosalina gently grabbed her forearm and made her set it down.

"Not in front of the children!"

Kirby, who had somehow been roped into the princess party just by virtue of being pink, gave her a look. "You know I'm not a child, right?"

"Nonsense, you're  _all_  my children! But I was actually talking about him…" She gestured behind Kirby. The Villager stood some distance away, simply staring at the tea party and smiling whilst radiating an aura of menace.

"Perhaps I should invite him over?"

"NO," Kirby belted out.

"Sure! You know what they say, the more, the merrier!" Peach countered.

* * *

-  _Unknown Realm_ –

Dr. Eggman looked up from his soldering with a start, glancing around the laboratory in confusion.

Dr. Wily noticed, and raised an eyebrow. "Is something the matter, Ivo?"

"I just got a chill, is all…"

* * *

-  _Mario Galaxy_  –

The Villager sat at the table, still smiling as Peach poured him a cup of tea.

"Now, Mr. Villager, make sure to-"

Mr. Villager stashed the teacup away in his pocket.

"Oh! You'll spill it all over your pants if you do that!" Rosalina gaped.

The Villager shrugged, and placed the teacup, still immaculate, back on the table.

"What elsh do you gots in there anyway?" Zelda slurred.

He pulled out a bowling ball, a bundle of rotten turnips, and the empty file folder.

Peach shrieked in horror. "It's the bad guy!"

Rosalina tilted her head. "That's just paper, though! …But somebody's been drawing awful things all over it! I should dispose of it…"

Peach, Rosalina, and the Villager all reached for the folder, and began fighting over it. Zelda joined in the fight by smashing her empty bourbon bottle over Kirby's head. This caused the fight to erupt into a full-on smash. Peach pulled out a frying pan and tried to slam it down on the file folder, striking Rosalina's hand instead. Rosalina swiftly reprimanded her with a slap to the head followed up by Luma uppercutting the dainty princess out of her chair and onto the grassy floor. During the confusion, the Villager snatched up the folder and ran off, leaving the others to their brawl. Kirby inhaled Zelda and held her captive inside his mouth, only to regret that when she started stabbing the broken bottle into his flesh. He spat her out at Luma, who was sent clear across the horizon by the impact.

"My darling baby, no!" Rosalina weeped, then turned to face Kirby with fire in her eyes. " **You. What have you done to my child?!** "

* * *

Mr. Game & Watch had fallen asleep on the other side of the planetoid. It was quiet and peaceful, and his weary bones needed a rest after that excruciating rest he had a couple minutes ago.

Luma came soaring over through the planet's low stratosphere, and landed directly on Mr. Game & Watch, partially burying him in a small crater. He remained asleep as Luma pulled itself up and resumed hovering. Noticing the 2D man, Luma gently poked at him, to see if he was okay. No response occurred for nearly a whole minute, before a digitized snore escaped Mr. Game & Watch's lips. Luma shrugged, and drifted back towards the battle.

A minute later, Mr. Game & Watch's body emitted a pattern of beeps, and he snapped awake. "Damn alarm setting… why can't I just be 'Mr. Game'?!" He noticed he was half-buried. "Aww, consarnit…"

* * *

"Now say you're sorry!" Rosalina yelled, holding Kirby up by his scalp with one hand and quite literally spanking him with the other.

"OW! I'm sorry! Now will you stop- OW! –doing that?! It's- OW! –really creepy! And it hurts!"

She dropped him, and immediately returned to her motherly demeanor as Kirby rubbed his rear end in pain. "Now, that wasn't too hard, was it? When you wrong someone else, you should always apologize! …Oh, there you are, Luma! Don't scare mommy like that!" She embraced the Luma, which chirped excitedly.

Zelda hiccupped loudly, catching Rosalina's attention. ONLY Zelda was there.

"Now, where did Princess Peach and the little boy go…?"

Bowser ran by laughing, Peach in his grasp, as Mario halfheartedly gave pursuit.

"Hmm… maybe I should get us all off this planet… everyone seems quite bored!"

* * *

-  _Unknown Realm_  –

Ridley slowly stomped down the halls toward the central control room. Primids insisted on escorting him, eagerly explaining the floor plan to him as if he were lost, but any that lingered for more than five seconds were scooped up and eaten. This did not deter any of them from continuing to pester him.

"I thought my Pirates were stupid, but you guys are so bottom-of-the-barrel you're not even in the barrel anymore, you're a good mile or so underground."

"A brilliant idea, High Lord Ridley, sir! Would you like me to start digging?"

"What? Err, yeah, go do that."

The Primid saluted, and ran off to bury himself a mile below the nearest keg of space rum. As he did that, Ridley punched open the doors to the control room, and stepped inside. "I'm back, bitches."

"Sir Ridley! Sir! How did the mission go, sir!" A Sword Primid saluted the dragon, cutting his own head off with the blade.

"It went terribly, dead minion. Now, where is Cia? I've got some words for her."

"She's in the base, sir!" another Primid yelled out, abandoning his station to salute.

" _Where_  in the base?"

"Inside it!"

Ridley's tail shot out at blinding speed, impaling the unhelpful Primid along with two others that had the misfortune of being in line with it.

"Anybody want to give me a more specific location?!"

A bored-looking Pigmask captain sitting at a terminal gave a lazy salute. "She's in the conference chamber, dressing down Master Porky."

"Sounds kinky. I'm going to go watch."

"You have strange taste, Master Ridley."

He laughed. "I'm not gonna be 'Master' Ridley much longer. Listen closely and you might just hear Cia explode once I go talk to her."

"I'll keep my ears peeled. …Wait, what?"

Ridley stomped back out of the room, making his way down to the  _other_  end of the hall, grumbling the whole way about how he should have just checked there first.

The Pigmask captain, satisfied that he was once again the highest authority in the room, went back to playing Solitaire instead of doing actual work. "Oh, you damn Jack of Spades. How I loathe seeing your face again when I have nowhere to put you. We'll see how haughty you look later when you're buried under your own queen and king!"

Other Johnson the Pigmask, recently transferred from the fallen Chimera Lab, stumbled over, tripping over a desk and sending papers everywhere.

"Shit! I  _still_ can't see a thing after that kid blasted light in my eyes!"

The desk Pigmask laughed.

"It's not funny! I think I might actually be blind for life!"

The desk Pigmask laughed harder.

* * *

"How many times do I have to lecture you,  _Porky_?!"

"Zero would be nice! You're not my mom!"

"Then don't make me act like her! Get. To. Work!"

"I  _have_  been working! I was just in the middle of a break!"

Dark Meta Knight sighed. "Why not simply get rid of this carcass, Lady Cia? He contributes nothing, and his promise of chimera fell through. There is no further point to his presence."

"No way. Do you know how hard it was to get him out of that stupid ball?! I'm getting my money's worth out of him, and that's final! And don't you dare say 'sunk cost fallacy'!" She put her hand under her mask and rested her forehead against it, feeling a headache coming on. An idea struck, and she turned to face the pile of wrinkled flab once more. "…What about that 'Natural Killer Cyborg' you brought with your foot soldiers? Can it do anything useful for us?"

Porky coughed. "It can't fight anymore, if that's what you want. Not since Dr. Eggface and Dr. Wildbrows reprogrammed it to do nothing but sing soul music."

* * *

The Natural Killer Cyborg leaned in toward the stage microphone, its silky voice resonating throughout the audience chamber.

"'Cause you make me feel,  
You make me feel,  
You make me feel like  
A Naaaaatural Killer Cyborg…"

The assorted off-duty minions cheered and whistled as the unholy amalgamation of metal and porcine flesh flashed a sultry smile.

* * *

"So, that's another valuable asset wasted."

"To be fair, morale  _did_  improve 20% after that program was started," Dark Meta Knight noted, flipping through some charts.

"Still, would you be a dear and get 'Master' Porky out of my sight? I don't want to see him again until he does something useful. Carry him out if you must."

"Carry him by myself!?"

"Just get it done."

Dark Meta Knight immediately pawned the duty off on a group of passing Shroobs, who sputtered something in alienspeak while struggling to carry the man.

Cia sat at the table and let out a long, sad sigh. "At least I'm alone now. It's more peaceful like that."

"I'm still here…" Tom Nook muttered, his head on the table.

"Why aren't you out there doing something useful and  _eeevil_  for us?"

"Because I'm not ' _eeevil_ '! I just happen to fill a vaguely-antagonistic role!"

"Breaking and entering to perform construction work on someone's house without their consent then charging them for it, tricking people into indentured servitude, employing your own child-aged nephews and paying them single-digit salaries… There is a deep darkness in you that you just won't embrace."

"I don't want to talk about it, yes?"

"Whatever." She turned to look at the door. "At least you did a good job repairing the doorframe. I daresay it looks even better than-"

The doorframe splintered to pieces as Ridley entered the room, Dark Meta Knight futilely trying to drag him away from the room by his tail.

"Hi, Cia. Where do I put my letter of resignation?"

"Talk to one of the HR people. I'm sure they have an inbox for those. Wait, what do you mean 'resignation'?! What happened out there?"

"I'm done. I quit. I tried to beat them and I failed. And now they're in the wind, so good luck finding them again. That's all there is to it, so I'm taking my Space Pirates and leaving. No offense."

Dark Meta Knight drew his silver sword. "You arrogant creature! You do not simply leave Lady Cia's employ!"

"…Stand down, Dark."

"Lady Cia?"

"You can leave, Ridley. And no offense taken." She stood up and patted the enormous dragon on the back. "It was a pleasure working with you, and while I am disappointed your employment could not last longer, I am hereby letting you go."

"Thanks. See ya, Cia. This time for good." He turned and left to get his personal effects.

Dark Meta Knight remained stupefied as Cia simply grinned. "You… you're just letting him leave?!"

"Yep."

"But he's one of our most powerful allies! Remember our talk about wasting assets?!"

She continued grinning, holding one of Ridley's scales in her palm. "We can always just  _build_  a better Ridley."

"…Oh. As you wish, Lady Cia, it will be done."

Tom Nook raised his hand. "If Ridley can leave, can I leave too?"

"No, we can't just clone you and expect the result to be any good."

"Actually, if you're looking for eugenic cloning projects, my 'nephews' aren't really my nephews, they're just-"

"Enough." The end of her scepter enshrouded itself in a dangerous black haze. "Fix the doorframe again."

* * *

-  _Mario Galaxy_  -

"I'm  _boooored_ ," Pikachu whined.

"How could you possibly be bored? We're sailing through space at about Mach 2, somehow not suffocating, and passing a ton of amazing and weird planetoids," Shulk asked the rodent, directly behind him as assorted celestial bodies whizzed past them.

"I still think we should have simply walked," Wii Fit Trainer chimed in, similarly rocketing through the galaxy. "Walking is good for your health, and this is just lazy."

Bowser added his voice to the conversation. "Yeah,  _walk_  through an empty void with no gravity. That sounds like it'd work."

"Don't get snappy with me, Bowser. You of all people know how important good fitness habits are!"

"All aircraft break away!" Fox yelled out. "We're heading into the asteroids!"

"Oh, don't-a worry. Launch Stars never make you crash into stuff. They always seem to get you to-a your destination."

Rosalina led the flight, the other Smash Bros. following in her stream as the planetoid's Launch Star propelled them across the galaxy, through an asteroid thicket, and towards their destination. She shook her head as the arguing behind her finally died down.

A hiccup from Zelda broke the silence again. "I wanna fly the spacesh… shiiip!"

"We are not located IN a spaceship! We are hurtling through the vacuum of space with no vessel around us! …Actually, the princess's ebrious ebullitions aside, how DOES this propulsion work? Would anyone care to eclaircise this quandary of intragalactic travel for me?" you-know-damn-well-who asked.

"Did Donkey Kong say 'éclair'? Are there éclairs up there?!" both Kirby and Yoshi yelled from the back of the procession.

"No, he said 'exercise'!" Wii Fit Trainer yelled back to them.

"No, I  _said_ -"

"I need to use the restroom! Can we stop at the next gas station?!" Pit interrupted.

"You kids and your gas stations! Back in my day, we got around using  _real_  horsepower! And by that I don't mean horse-drawn carriages, I mean bouncing on life nets held out by firemen! You'd bounce off of them, then they'd move forward and you'd bounce on them again, until they bounced you into the ambulance successfully! But they'd also have to juggle multiple people at the same time with them, and could only make three mistakes before they were given the ol' boot! I remember when I was being bounced around by some firemen once, it was terrible! They let me fall and I broke my leg! So I set their hospital on fire, and then I went in to get my leg set. But the nurse I met in that inferno, she was a real charmer, and back then I was quite a looker myself, so-"

Link let out a scream of agony, covering his ears as Mr. Game & Watch continued to ramble on with no intention of stopping.

Rosalina finally turned around to the collection of Nintendo mascots sailing in her wake. "Enough! I want all of you to be quiet or I will turn this Launch Star right around!"

The Smash Bros. sailed silently on for the next few minutes, until a rift came into view.

"Kids, we're here now. Now, we don't know where we'll be when we go through there, so I want you all to be on your best behavior, okay?"

Rosalina disappeared through the rift, followed by the Smash Bros. directly behind her. One by one, each fighter entered the hole.

"Hey, uh, wait a second. If we're currently flying at a really high speed, aren't we gonna crash rather painfully into whatever's waiting for us in there?" Shulk posited as the rift came closer and closer.

Bowser shrugged. "I wouldn't worry about it, kid. We can always just ukemi off surfaces."

And thus, our current roster entered yet another world, where they will probably acquire yet another unstable member of their ever-growing entourage.

* * *

-  _Unknown Realm_ -

Ridley jumped up and down on top of his suitcase, trying to get it to close.

"Arr, perhaps ye should travel lighter next time, captain?"

"Quiet, Bah'ruvkl. I'll… get this closed… if it's the last thing I-"

The suitcase clicked shut, signifying the space dragon's victory.

"Huh. That was actually easier than I expected."

The suitcase exploded open, flinging Ridley up into the ceiling and spraying its contents- papers, weapons, at least two dragon-sized business suits, and a stuffed Metroid plushie –throughout the chamber.

"Ga-harr. Would ye like some help, captain?" Bah'ruvkl asked his embedded leader.

"Mrrrmphmrrphmmm."

"Aye-aye."

-  _One hasty cleanup later_  –

"So that be that, then, captain? Shall we pull into space port and 'ave some space ale?" another Pirate asked, hoisting the luggage up into the Space Pirate flagship.

"…No, Kkryt'uop. We're not done. We've still got landlubbers to torment, bounty hunters to repeatedly harass, and a Smash Bros. tournament to crash."

"Aye? But did we not just retire from this band of blaggards? Why would we keep on working for 'em?" Kkryt'uop scratched his head with his hook hand in confusion.

"I never said we were doing it in their name…" Ridley grinned maliciously, baring teeth that would leave a chainsaw feeling insecure.

Kkryt'uop and Bah'ruvkl glanced at each other nervously and finished packing as Ridley boarded the spaceship. He sunk down into his favorite chair and casually directed some orders at his grunts, setting them on a course for whatever world tickled his fancy next.

And with that, the Space Pirate armada left Cia's universe, to go wreak havoc and pillage the galactic oceans on their own terms.

Still, Commander Ridley couldn't shake a feeling of discomfort. Escaping that contract was  _way_  too easy.

" _Hmm, it'd probably be smart to watch my back for a while…"_

The word 'back' made him realize one of his back scales had gone missing.

"… _Nah, I'm just being paranoid. It probably just fell off somewhere."_


	16. How to Fail a Stealth Mission

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author's Note:** It's time to write some more about Meta Knight's crew, which means more of Robin getting mutilated and maimed! Yay! Also gonna introduce a character I've been itching to write for a while…
> 
> Also, happy Valentine's Day for you weirdos who actually give a crap about feelings and love and other icky human relations.
> 
> Originally published 2/14/17

-  _Some desert in some realm_ -

A dry wind blew across an arid, craggy landscape, picking up some loose sand and carrying it through the air. The grainy particles swirled about before coming to rest in the eyes of a certain snowy-haired tactician.

"Gah, damnit… Am I a sand magnet, or something?" Robin whined, rubbing his hand against his eyelids to try and alleviate the irritation. "Seriously, why am I the only one getting sand in his eyes?"

"Don't you get it by now, Robbie? The desert just wants to give you a hug!" Toon Link cheerfully responded.

" _Your_  eyes must be ten times the size of mine. How are you fine?"

"I have special eyes."

Robin sighed and pulled off one of his boots, dumping about a gallon of accumulated desert out of it. "Whoever invented sand needs to be publically executed."

As Toon Link and Robin bickered, Olimar took down notes on the environment. "These arid conditions appear inhospitable to most forms of life. Thankfully, the temperature regulation of my suit will ensure continued comfort for myself, and the Pikmin appear to benefit from the additional sunlight. If my current allies succumb to heatstroke, however, I must assess the monetary value of their rancor. The unusual proportions of the two taller 'humans' may yield scientific breakthrough on growth hormone treatments if analyzed, and the 'Meta Knight' is equipped with a sword and mask that may have archaeological value as well."

"You are NOT taking our bodies apart and selling them," Meta Knight scolded.

"Ah, my apologies. That was quite insensitive to discuss out loud, I suppose. Perhaps you would feel better if you were recycled into nutrients for the Pikmin instead?"

"It really wouldn't make me feel better."

Wario followed behind the other five, his jaw unhinged and sunken into the ground. He shoveled up and swallowed gallons of sand like a ravenous excavator as he walked, leaving a long, snaking trench across the surface.

Lucina took in the sights the desert had to offer. "This place feels… oddly familiar."

Meta Knight perked up. "Truly? What makes you say that?"

"I'm not sure, but… Oh! That rock right there! I've, uh, definitely seen it before, I think?" She pointed at a distinctly-ugly rock.

"Hmm… Excellent. Then we're on the right track. Welcome home, Lucina."

As Lucina processed that information, Robin tripped over a Yellow Pikmin and landed his rear right in Wario's path. Lucina figured it out and jumped in surprise. "This is my world, then? We've truly gone in a circle? Oh, I must find Ylisstol and tell father all about what happened!"

"Err, that's not quite possible. See, this  _is_  your world, but…"

"It's your world, but everyone you know and love is  **dead** ," Toon Link snickered ominously.

Lucina frowned. "So… the future world I came from, then."

"Oh, whoops. Now I feel like an insensitive jerk!" Toon Link rubbed the back of his head sheepishly.

Robin flung himself out of the way of Wario's jowls in the nick of time, rolling across the sandy floor. He jumped up onto his feet and looked Toon Link in the eyes. "Do you really, though?"

Meta Knight cleared his throat. "May I finish? This is your world, but…  **far, far, in the past!** "

Lucina simply shrugged. "Oh, that makes sense."

Meta Knight blinked. "I'd have thought that would have more of an impact."

"With all due respect, going to the past isn't anything new to me. But how do you know that's where- err,  _when_  we are?"

"Speaking of which, just how far back is this?" Robin asked,

"Two millennia or so."

Lucina crossed her arms. "You didn't answer  _my_  question."

"I have my ways of knowing, Lucina. …Robin, do you have ice magic yet?"

Robin glanced around, nonplussed. "I've been with you the whole time. At what possible point could I have picked some up without you knowing?"

Toon Link interjected, cutting off Meta Knight. "I dunno, how do you usually get ice magic?"

"I DON'T 'usually get ice magic'!"

"Okay, but this is a special occasion."

Meta Knight cleared his throat again. "It's a crucial step in our plan, so-"

"The plan you  _still_  haven't told us about," Robin crossed his arms.

"Yes, that one."

"Y'know, I gotta agree, it'd be a lot easier and more reassuring if we were in on this plan," Toon Link leapfrogged over Robin to land near Meta Knight.

"Okay, sure. You can know." Meta Knight leaned in and whispered in Toon Link's ear while Robin and Lucina gaped.

"Ohoho, that's  _clever_. Are you sure it'll work?"

"By definition it  _has to_ , otherwise I wouldn't know to try it, yeah?"

"Fair point! This'll be fun."

Lucina glanced back and forth between the two, stunned. "Why does  _he_ get to know, but not us?!"

"Because he has a more open mind. If I told either of you two you'd never go along with it."

Robin frowned. "That's really not reassuring. In fact, that's the opposite of reassuring. …Areassuring? Unreassuring? Disreassuring?"

"Gnirussaer!"

"Sure, gnirussaer."

"DK would be pissed off something fierce if he heard us right now!"

"Who is DK?"

"You'll love him, he's a musty old bookworm just like you!"

"I'll choose to take that as a compliment. Meta Knight, could you at least give us an idea of where we're going?"

Meta Knight pointed at a large structure about a mile away. "See that big colosseum in the distance? If my source is correct- which it has to be –we have six more idiots to pick up and add to our little team in there."

"Six?! Wow. We'd double our number in one motion if that's true."

"Yes, but I was warned that things would be… difficult. How skilled are the two of you in combat? Us four are all quite powerful warriors, even if we don't always act like it." Meta Knight glanced over at Wario.

Robin glanced upward thoughtfully. "Well, I'm more at home developing strategies for the battlefield, but-"

"None of that tactical shit is going to matter. Only strength. Are you adept with that magic of yours?"

"But of course! I can hold my own on the battlefield, though I can only use my tomes so many times. Which is why I carry my Levin Sword!" Robin pointed the zig-zaggy blade skyward to show it off, and a bolt of lightning immediately struck the electrified tip, frying Robin. "GNAAAAAAGH!"

"Lucina, how about you?"

Lucina tried her best to ignore the smoldering smell. "I'm an accomplished swordswoman and a descendant of the great Hero-King Marth. I have my own sword style learned from my father, but for this tournament I decided to represent my lineage and emulate my ancestor Marth's elegant swordplay to the best of my ability."

Meta Knight froze. Toon Link and Olimar froze. Even Wario seemed aware enough to be taken aback.

"…Hoo, boy. He's not gonna like this," Toon Link muttered after five seconds of silence.

"Who isn't? Have I committed a grave error?"

Robin gasped for air and jumped up onto his feet again. "HOW?! There isn't a single damned cloud in the sky! Let alone any thunderclouds! How did that happen?!"

* * *

-  _Temple_  –

Rosalina elegantly brought herself to a stop in mid-air as she emerged from the portal, lowering herself to the ground. Pit wailed as he rocketed into a stone wall at high speed, splatting painfully. Before he could peel off, Fox crashed into him at comparable speed, followed by Mario, Zelda, Donkey Kong, and all the remaining Smash Bros. from Mario Galaxy, crashing together in a heap of bruises and broken bones. Bowser was the last one to be launched out of the portal, but he put his hands out and gracefully dissipated his momentum off of Shulk's mangled back, landing on his feet. "I told you about ukemi, bro. I told you."

-  _One quick recuperation later_ –

"So… this is good ol' Hyrule Temple." Samus commented, looking down at the stage from the upper-left building. "Looks different."

"Well, the temple seems to be the same, but the army of Primids and all the crap they're building everywhere just makes it look different," Kirby corrected.

Shulk glanced around the ruins sadly. "What's happening here?"

The alien forces occupied nearly every inch of the once-iconic stage, setting up metal walls, towers, and other trappings of a fortress. Two Primids lugged a large I-beam into a crane harness, where it was lifted up and bolted into place on the east end of the temple, while an angry Pigmask yelled at them for bringing it to the wrong spot.

Before anyone could answer Shulk's question, Mario noticed a patrol group of Primids with Super Scopes begin marching in the Smash Bros.' direction, and ducked into the empty building. The others all followed his cue and did the same.

"They appear to be utilizing the temple's already-built castellations toward a garrison of their own infelicitous design," Donkey Kong quietly whispered.

"Thanks for pointing out the obvious, Doctor Obvious," Bowser growled.

"You have used 'obvious' twice in the same sentence yet you have the nerve to criticize my rhetoric?"

"Shh, have your obnoxiously loud lovers' quarrel later, you two," Samus shushed them.

The Primid patrol passed by at that time. The Primid at the back of the squad was chattering endlessly. "I'm telling, you, man, this base will be rad!"

"Why are we even building it here?"

"Lady Cia says it's an im… immmm… impotent spot! And it'll totally piss them off because the Smash Bros. love fighting on it, too!"

"You're damn right we do…" Bowser muttered under his breath as the Primids finished passing.

"Those fiends…" Pit pouted.

"We should probably tell Master Hand about this. Or Crazy, whoever's in charge back there. He's not gonna like them building a fort on one of his precious stages." Kirby stated.

Samus grunted. "Yeahhhh… About that. I've been trying to get in contact with him since we landed on that planetoid. My calls keep getting blocked."

"What? Why would he sever our connection? Maybe Crazy Hand broke something in the office… or maybe  _your_  communication line is broken."

"Well, I have no way of knowing whose end the break is on without getting in contact with him!"

"You could try calling someone else to see if that works?" Shulk helpfully proposed.

"And just who am I supposed to call? Do I enter random information and hope I find some helpful stranger?!"

"Don't you have any saved contacts besides Master Hand?" Kirby asked. "…You don't have any saved contacts besides Master Hand."

"Shut up."

Shulk reached up and patted her on the shoulder. "It's okay. I'll be your friend if you have none."

"Seriously, shut up." She swatted him away with her arm cannon. "I do have one person I could try, but I need to be alone if I'm going to. He'll get bitchy if he hears anyone else around." Samus walked through a crumbled doorway into an empty corridor of the once-noble ruins.

Kirby sighed, and led Shulk away. "Big mistake offering your friendship like that. Now she's going to chew your ear off about birds every chance she gets."

"But I like birds, kind of."

"Trust me, you won't before long."

Alone in the hall, Samus looked at the one other contact in her list and sighed. She set the frequency to 141.80 and pressed the call button.

* * *

-  _Mansion_ –

In the Smash Mansion's basement existed a small storeroom, filled with all kinds of neat stuff like paint cans, old battle items, and boxes of assorted make and size. One box in particular stood out; its material a fine cardboard, its design simple yet elegant, and its size just right for a grown man to hide within. A box that will take care of you if you take care of it. A box that showed signs of wear and age but also signs of a deep, loving respect held by its owner.

The owner in question crouched inside, immobile, eyes fixated through the hole on the side to scan for any potential threats. A familiar chiming noise snapped him out of his vigil.

AUX  
CALL

PUSH SELECT

The man hesitated for just a moment, raised his hand up to his ear, and accepted the call. The other end immediately began to speak.

"Snake, do you copy? Samus Aran."

"Nhaaaa…" the soldier of legend grunted his iconic grunt. "This is Snake. What do you want?"

"That's no way to talk to an old friend, Dave."

"Sorry. Still in mission mode. What's up, Sam?"

"I was actually just calling you to make sure my communicator wasn't broken. I can't get through to Master Hand."

"Right, right… that would make sense. He was screaming about 'shutting down everything'. Apparently interdimensional communication will give away his coordinates, so he's quarantining the whole place so to speak. No outside communication allowed."

"I guess that makes sense now that I think about it. …Hold on. How did you know what he was doing? Where are you?"

"…"

"Snake…?"

"…"

"Snake!"

"…"

"SNAAAAAKE!"

"OW! That's right in my ear!"

"Snake, are you  _at_  the mansion?"

"…Maybe."

"I thought you didn't get invited back!"

"I didn't…"

"Then you somehow snuck back into his dimension out of spite? Wow, that's a new high AND a new low for you."

"Err… more that I never left."

"You've been hiding in that mansion for six years?!"

"I'm on a mission!"

"Right… I probably should hang up, given he's trying to lock the place down."

"Oh, my line is secure. He's just terrible at encryption."

"Maybe you could put him on?"

"No. Getting caught by Master Hand would invalidate my entire mission here!"

"Just what are you doing that requires you to evade Master Hand for six goddamn years?"

"Evading Master Hand  _is_  the mission!"

"…Your mission is to be stealthy for stealth's own sake."

"Yeah."

"I'm hanging up now. Get a life, Dave."

"Get some  _actual friends_ , Samus."

Samus growled in frustration and hung up.

* * *

-  _Temple_  –

Samus stormed out of the hall back into the foyer where the others were gathered.

"Okay. So it turns out Master Hand basically abandoned us here. We have no sane way of communicating with him, so I guess we should just do whatever we want."

"I shay we drink!" Zelda held her bottle aloft, its contents splashing up out the nozzle and spattering onto the floor, where it burned small craters into the stone.

"I say we just get some rest!" Mr. Game & Watch voted, sitting down on his lion-taming chair.

"I say we all talk about how great I am!" Pikachu proclaimed.

"That isn't what I meant and you three know it!"

"Well, what do-a you propose we do?" Mario asked the bounty hunter.

Peach spoke up before Samus could. "We could crawl around this complex for six whole years, using stealth tactics to slowly compromise the base's foundation as we take out each guard one by one!"

Samus frowned beneath her visor. "We could do that, yes…" She pointed her arm cannon at the wall and fired a super missile, blowing the entire wall face to rubble. A squad of Primids on the immediate other side were crushed to death, and all the remaining guards and workers froze, staring at the orange, human-shaped tank and the gang of badasses standing behind her. The whole compound remained silent for a good ten seconds before the alarms were sounded, the siren wailing throughout the entire temple as the occupants ran around in a frenzy to either arm themselves or get the hell away from them.

"Or we do it my way: rip an evil base to fucking pieces head-on."

* * *

-  _Coliseum_ –

Marth, the Hero-King of Archanea, masterfully parried his opponent's attack, deflecting the thuggish berserker's axe with his blade.

"Guh. Me smash pretty man."

He swung again, but Marth dodged the crude strike with ease.

"I am flattered by the compliment, but sluggish movements like that will never stand up to technique."

Two more strokes from Falchion dislodged the brute's axe from his hand and delivered a deep gash into his smelly caveman tunic. The berserker kneeled in surrender, and the coliseum's audience cheered wildly for Marth, who smiled and bowed.

The scarred, old fightmonger running the place plopped a sack of gold into his king's hands. "Here's yer winnin's. Not sure why milord needs ta take more money from the commonfolk, but do with it what ye wish."

"Dear god you're hideous."

Up in the audience, five individuals stood out, quite distinct from the sea of medieval peasants surrounding them.

"So, that's our guy, right? He's pretty good." Pac-Man commented, eating dots out of a popcorn bag.

"Yep." Ness noticed the food item. "…Where did you get that?"

"...You know, I have no idea. I just wanted to eat dots really really badly, and next thing I know I am."

"Those are pebbles." Jigglypuff stated. "Where the hell did you get the bag itself, though?"

Pac-Man shrugged, and tossed the bag away.

Captain Falcon leapt up out of his seat. "Okay! He's done fighting for the audience, so we gotta get down there and welcome him back into Smash!"

Ness exhaled. "Thank god. I hate sitting in a crowd of smelly medieval dudes. I think this guy's vest is literally made of dried horse crap."

The peasant next to him in the stands simply grinned at him, showing off all three of his teeth.

"W-wait!" Luigi yelled, shakily pointing at one of the coliseum's entryways. "There's more people coming in over there! What if they're here to kill him?!"

"All the more reason to get down there! YES!" Captain Falcon grinned. He grabbed Luigi and flipped over the crowd, jumping into the arena pit. Pac-Man followed behind.

Ness got up to follow as well, but winced in pain at a horrible crunching sound behind him.

"…What are you doing, Jigglypuff?!"

"If he can eat fucking rocks,  _I_ can eat fucking rocks! He's not more of a man than me!"

"Come on, you idiot." Ness dragged him away from the earthen snack, which was promptly scooped up by the shit-garbed yokel, likely so he could lose his remaining three teeth.

* * *

Captain Falcon landed on the dusty floor and stuck the landing, Luigi screaming in his grasp. He set the smaller man down and jogged toward Marth.

The sound of the audience freaking out caught the prince's attention, and he spun around to face the F-Zero racer sprinting toward him. He quickly pointed his sword. "…What do you want with me?"

"Marth, my man! It's me, Captain Falcon! And I've got Luigi, Ness, Jigglypuff, and this new guy Pac-Man!"

"How do I know it's really you, huh? There's been weird things going on, and I don't know who to trust, so I decided to not trust anybody! What if you're imposters, huh?!"

"Relax, Marth! I'll prove I'm me! Your favorite food is pumpkin pie. Your favorite word is 'Conscription'. You have a recurring nightmare about walking in on Jagen in the bath. You once confided to me that your biggest shame is the tuft of hair on your lower ba-"

"Okay, okay, so you know a lot about me." Marth relaxed his stance. "…But what if you killed the real Captain Falcon and took his shape and memories?!" His stance un-relaxed.

Ness rolled his eyes. "Okay, this is getting nowhere. You're coming with us, bub. We've got a tournament to reach, and I'm not gonna let you get in the way of me meeting some new lady fighters!"

"Seriously, pansy.  _Nobody_  could imitate this chiseled figure." Jigglypuff flexed.

"…No shape-shifter could be as self-absorbed as you two. Okay, I believe you all are whom you claim to be."

Ness nodded. "Okay. Let's get going, there's six dudes coming in here. Probably to kill you."

Marth turned to look at the approaching sextet like a deer in headlights.

"'HOY! MARTH!" Toon Link called out from the approaching group, waving at the prince-king-hero-guy.

Marth turned to Ness. "W-wait, those are Toon Link, Wario, Meta Knight, and Olimar. Why would they want to kill me? Unless… one of those two strangers…?" Lucina's appearance caught Marth's eye, and he froze.

Ness shrugged. "Eh, probably not. Let's say hi!"

Meta Knight cautiously stood back while his five allies approached the other group. Toon Link took it upon himself to introduce his new friends to his old friends. "You guys! Nice to see you all! Check it out, we got two new fighters for Smash Bros.! This guy with the gray hair is Robin, a bad luck magnet with a zig-zaggy sword, and this individual of ambiguous gender who looks almost exactly like Marth is Lucina! She's pretty rad."

Ness shrugged and introduced himself. "Hey. I'm Ness, I'm pretty cool. Wait, you're a  _girl_?"

"Uh… yes, I am. Is that really so difficult for everyone to believe…?" Lucina bit her lip.

He looked her up and down, apparently unimpressed. "…Hmm. Err… Well, whatever. So much for new ladies…"

Captain Falcon saluted. "I'm Captain Falcon! But friends of the Smash Bros. can call me 'Falcon'! Or even just 'Doug'!"

"'Captain Falcon' will do for now. We did just meet, after all," Robin nodded.

Luigi timidly waved at the two, hiding behind Captain Falcon. The latter introduced him. "And this is my friend Luigi! He's a bit shy, but he's awesome once you get to know him!"

"And I'm Pac-Man. I'm, uh, new here too. You guys… like mazes?"

Jigglypuff cut them off before they could answer. "And I'm Jigglypuff! If you're joining, let me lay down two important rules; one, I'm the alpha male here, and if you forget it for even a second I'll bite your Arceusdamn head off."

Robin and Lucina glanced at each other, then back at Jigglypuff.

"…"

"…"

"…"

Lucina cleared her throat. "And rule two is?"

"Oh, there isn't a second rule. Just don't violate rule one or I will violate your faces. But I don't think there's any risk of Robin breaking that rule anyway, he looks like he knows his place. You, on the other hand… you'd better keep your foot in line."

"I'm a woman!"

"Well, you're more of a man than your partner here. I mean, seriously, look at that scrawny physique, that bookwormish pallor, that swollen head of  _knowledge_  and  _facts_..."

Ness nudged Marth. "Come on, man, introduce yourself so that they can stop arguing." Marth continued to simply glare at Lucina. Ness gave up. "This is Marth, yadda yadda."

Lucina perked up. "Wait,  _the_ Marth?! The Hero-King Marth?! Oh my gods, I can't believe it! I'm so honoredtomeetyouI'myourdistantdescendantLucinaamIbotheringyoucanyouunderstandmeoramItalkingtoofast?!"

"You… look an awful lot like me."

"Err, yes. Like I said I'm your descendant, and I-I also styled myself after you! I even learned your swordplay! Perhaps this is arrogant to say, but I'd say I could even match you blade for blade, if you'll let me demonstrate!"

Marth drew his sword and backed away. "I KNEW IT! Master Hand is replacing me with a clone!"

"What?!"

"Oh, when Roy was my clone back in Melee, I knew it was just the beginning! It was like a constant sword dangling over my head. And it was constantly saying 'we could drop you and replace you with Roy whenever we want,  _Marth_! Don't get used to being here,  _Marth_!' But then for the next tournament  _Roy_  got the boot, as a symbolic gesture to warn me that  _I_  would be next! Then he was replaced with a man who looked like me but much bigger and stronger, as if to make me look obsolete! And now they're adding a female version of me?! I knew it! I'm going to be replaced! It's all one big conspiracy! I'm telling you, this was his plan from the start! Build up my confidence and then rip it all down when-"

Ness shook the paranoid man. "Jeez, calm down, dude! Nobody's replacing anyone!"

The swish of a sword cut off any further discourse, as Marth pointed his sword at the veterans in Lucina's group. "There is no way the four of you would willingly travel with an obvious replacement for me!" He focused on Robin. "This white-haired imp must have hypnotized you!"

"Hypnotism?! I-I have no such spell! And for the gods' sake, will you stop pointing that thing at me?!"

"You know, Marth, you might be right!" Ness agreed, and turned to the suspected veterans. "I mean, you guys  _know_  how crazy he gets about this kind of thing."

"I didn't know! I am so sorry!" Lucina pleaded.

Pac-Man scratched his head. "I don't know what's going on here, but it seems like you guys  _aren't_  allies after all? At the very least, I don't trust the little green one…"

Toon Link shrugged at the accusation. "I'm not gonna say anything one way or the other, I'm just going to ride this out and see what happens."

Captain Falcon's perpetual grin faltered into a frown. "I don't want to doubt my friends, but… clearly some nefarious scheme is going on here!"

"With all due respect, King Marth, could you please lower your sword? We could use your strength on our side."

"I'm not falling for your sinister trap, warlock!"

"It's not a trap!"

"That's just what a warlock setting up a sinister trap would say! Who sent you?! Gharnef?!  _Jagen_?! I never trusted that old man…"

Olimar opened up a holographic journal entry. "Clearly, heatstroke has afflicted itself upon both my allies and the six other specimens before us. Proper judgment has been discarded in favor of fostering a schism between the two groups despite only just meeting. Though it is just a hypothesis, I believe physical confrontation will occur if no mediation is applied…" He closed the journal and summoned his Pikmin closer.

The Smash Bros. stared each other down tensely as Olimar finished divining the future. The sun beat down upon them all, a high noon above the colosseum. The crowds around them remained dead silent. As if to complete the setting, a tumbleweed bounced across the stony floor.

Meta Knight finally stepped forward. "So this is how it happens. Obviously, there's only one way to deal with this issue…" The Galaxia blade was drawn with an audible  _shiing_. "We must  **settle it in Smash!** "

All twelve present fighters drew any weaponry they had, or otherwise braced themselves.

"If my side wins, Marth and company, the six of you will capitulate and follow me on my quest. If your side wins, we shall leave and never set foot in Archanea again." Meta Knight continued.

Marth narrowed his eyes at the knight. "Also, if I win, this 'Lucina' person dies. I'm the only Marth allowed."

"I accept your additional terms."

"HEY! Don't I get a say in this?!"

Meta Knight whispered to the offended swordswoman. "Relax, Lucina. We're going to win, hundred percent guarantee. I know this."

"If I die because you bet my life, I will kill you."

Jigglypuff growled, bringing them back to reality. "I don't care about any wager, I just want to crack some skulls."

Luigi quite literally shook in his boots. "I-I don't w-want to b-b-beat  _anyone_  up! Or get beaten up!"

Toon Link grinned, nocking an arrow in his bow. "This is the most absurd misunderstanding I've ever seen! I love it!"

Wario picked his nose.

Meta Knight remained still. Then, with one word uttered, he and Marth simultaneously kicked off the battle to end all battles. "Attack!"

" _ **12**_ **-PLAYER SMASH!"**

All of them jumped in surprise at the booming, omnipotent voice, tripping over themselves.

Meta Knight and the others stood back up. "…Okay, let's try that again."

The twelve Smash Bros. charged each other, and as hell broke loose in the Coliseum as the battle of the secondary-plots began.


	17. When Secondary Plots Collide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: I started writing this chapter under the assumption that it would cover both the main plot's ensuing battle at Temple and the side plot battle at Coliseum, but by the time I finished writing the Coliseum battle it was over 4000 words long, so I decided to just upload it as-is and save what's going on at Temple for next chapter. It's a bit weird to leave the main plot hanging while the secondary plot proceeds, but sue me.
> 
> I had a lot of fun writing this fight, and I hope y'all have fun reading it.
> 
> Originally published 4/9/17

-  _Coliseum_ -

Lucina met Marth in single combat, initiating combat with a swift horizontal swing from her left. Marth chose to swing from his left at the same time, and the two blades clashed together, bouncing apart. Marth quickly swung at Lucina with an overhead slash, but Lucina countered with her own, the two blades colliding at the apex of their reach. Lucina pulled back and attempted a straight thrust, but Marth's own thrust matched hers, the tips of the two blades meeting point-to-point in a display of improbable symmetry.

"You might know everything I'm going to do, but that's not going to help you since  _I_  know everything  _you're_  going to do!" Marth grunted in frustration as every attack he threw out was met by its exact opposite on Lucina's end.

"Strange, isn't it!?" Lucina jumped up into the air in an attempt at a downward swipe, but Marth had too chosen to jump at that time and they both wound up swinging at empty air below each other. The moment they landed, they both readied a counter stance in anticipation of the other's attack, but since they both countered they were simply left standing there like idiots.

"This is going nowhere. Maybe we should have chosen other opponents. Also, how dare you replicate my style so flawlessly?! Do you  _want_  me to get cut from the roster?!"

"What roster?! Are you talking about that Smash thing?"

As the two blue-haired swordsfolk clashed, Ness and Meta Knight had taken a break from their engagement to observe the perfectly-symmetrical swordplay. Ness tilted his head. "You're a sword expert, right Meta? Their blades look different, so maybe that'll give one of 'em the edge. Err, no pun intended."

"Hmm… Well, the sword Marth is using seems to have its weight directed away from the wielder, and possesses a more noticeably sharp angle between the blade and point. Lucina's seems to be designed for balance throughout the whole length of the weapon, and has a more gradual narrowing. From my past experience fighting Marth, I can safely say that his sword deals high damage at the point and low damage along the length of the blade, while I'd expect Lucina's does medium-but-consistent damage irrespective of location."

"Soooo… what you're saying, is that Marth prefers just the tip while Lucina likes the whole thing?"

Meta Knight sighed and turned to Ness, who was grinning like the immature schoolkid he was and biting his lower lip in expectation of a response. "I'm not going to dignify that. Time out is over."

Meta Knight immediately swung his blade at Ness's midsection, but the boy anticipated the move and swiftly launched himself up into the air, clearing the sword and raining a PK Fire bolt down upon the masked warrior. Meta Knight extinguished himself with a swish of his cape and disappeared, reappearing behind Ness and launching him forward with a slash. Before Ness could land and recover, Toon Link's hookshot latched onto him and yanked him down to the coliseum floor, dragging him across the stony surface.

"Ness, pal! Nice of you to 'drop' in!"

"Seriously, Link?"

"I guess I 'wiped the floor' with you, huh?"

"Yeah, yeah, keep the puns coming." Ness pulled out his baseball bat and cracked it against the side of Toon Link's distracted head, knocking him for a loop.

* * *

Around the perimeter of the arena, Pac-Man and Wario were dueling with their jowls, attempting to outmaneuver each other and go for the bite. Pac-Man had previously tried pelting Wario with assorted 8-bit fruit and a key, but all of Pac-Man's projectiles had simply disappeared down Wario's throat. Pac-Man halted Wario's chomp with a quick punch to the jaw, knocking the fat man off-balance. Wario wobbled back and retaliated with a punch, but Pac-Man ducked under it and bit the man's foot.

"Wah?!"

"Mrrmmmrrmrmr!" Pac-Man gloated, but his victory was short-lived as the rank odor of his prey began to permeate his mouth and nasal passages. He unclasped his jaws and leapt away from Wario, receiving an elbow smash to the face on the way out.

"That was the worst thing I've ever tasted in my life! Granted, the only things I've ever eaten are pellets, ghosts, 8-bit fruit, and apparently pebbles, but..." Pac-Man shook himself to clear his senses, but the loud roar of an engine snapped him back to reality. "Where the hell did you get a motorcycle?!"

And thus, the chase was on.

* * *

Ness's duel with Toon Link had gotten weird. Strange PSI powers were thrown about, cartoon bombs were set off, and many bruises were created on their young bodies. Toon Link threw his boomerang at Ness but missed by a good three feet or so. Ness took some time to gloat, but it hit him on the back of the head on the return trip. Toon Link promptly added insult to injury by blowing his tongue at Ness. This pissed the psychic off beyond belief, and he was now advancing implacably toward the Hero of Winds. Toon Link backed away from Ness, firing off arrows that were simply stopped in midair and crumpled to splinters. Before long, Toon Link found his back pressed against the stone wall of the coliseum. "Uh-oh."

"There's nowhere to run now, Link!"

"That's what you think!" Toon Link reached into his belt and pulled out a paint can and large brush. With a few quick strokes, he painted a convincing-looking portrait of a tunnel. "Sayonara." He darted through the painting as if it were real.

Ness ran to pursue, but skidded to a stop right in front of the façade. "Ohhhhh, no. I've seen these cartoons. I know what happens.  _You_  somehow go through the tunnel, but when  _I_  try, it's just a wall and I splat painfully against it." He patted the wall to confirm it was just painted stone for him. "And my impact dislodges something that falls on me." He looked up, and sure enough there was a large anvil perched precariously over the painted tunnel. "You're not fooling me with your cartoon bullshit."

Toon Link peered over the wall from atop it, glum. "Congrats. I guess you outwitted me, Ness. Drat! My fiendish antics, foiled! Whatever shall I do now?" He sighed in defeat, then grinned and shoved the anvil. It fell down on Ness; only the kid's left arm remained visible, clawing at the floor in pain as the rest of him was flattened with some good ol' cartoon smashy-smash. Toon Link hopped down and took a seat on the solid ton of iron. "How are you doing down there?"

A pained, muffled response sounded from below. "I  _despise_  you."

Elsewhere, Luigi cowered in his spot, crouching down and pulling his hat over his face. "Eep! Nobody attack me!"

Olimar decided to be 'nobody', and threw a pair of Red Pikmin at the lean green plumber, but Pac-Man and Wario happened to cross the path at that moment, and the Pikmin were reduced to red smears in Wario's tire tracks.

"Ah… it would appear that Red Pikmin do not have an immunity to vehicular assault. Fascinating. I never had an opportunity to test this during my period of time on PNF-404. Perhaps other varieties of Pikmin are less vulnerable to such a fatality?" Olimar abandoned his assault on Luigi to pursue Wario and throw Pikmin into his path. Luigi simply continued to cower, immobilized by fear.

Jigglypuff slapped Luigi hard on the back. "Grow some balls, man!"

"I- I- I don't want to fight!"

"This is fucking Smash Bros."

"Not like this, though!"

"Yes like this!  _Exactly_ like this!"

"But I don't know some of these people!"

Jigglypuff sighed, and began preparing a Rollout. "I gotta do everything around here!"

* * *

Robin faced off against the last of Marth's team. "Wow. You are… quite a large fellow."

"YES! I am Captain Falcon! Five-time F-Zero Grand Prix champion, defender of truth and justice, and wielder of the power of the Falcon!"

"Err, yes, well, I'm Robin. Tactician of Ylisse, and… I guess that's about it."

"That is an awesome and important job! Rule number two of life, never undersell yourself! People value those who value themselves! Now, show me your moves!"

Robin sized up the Captain.  _"Physically speaking, he's taller than me and in excellent physical shape compared to my… bookish physique. However, he does not appear to be armed. That should give me an obvious advantage in both range and power, but his confidence and stance suggests he has had experience fighting armed opponents while unarmed himself; it would be unwise to rush him head on until I have discerned his fighting style and any unusual techinques he may employ. My knowledge on unarmed combat is woefully lacking, but judging by the shock-absorbent design of his gloves and boots, he favors blunt attacks with his extremities over grapples or body slams. Speaking of his extremities, his legs are clearly those of a sprinter; undoubtedly, he can move much faster than I can. I should-"_

Captain Falcon scratched his head under his helmet. "Uh, are you still here, man?"

"Oh, right! Okay, Captain Falcon. Feel the might of my Levin Swo-"

"FALCON PUNCH!"

In an instant, the coliseum wall was punctured, leaving behind a hole shaped perfectly like a screaming Robin travelling at 5000 mph through thirty feet of solid stone. He flew for another two hundred or so yards out into the desert before hitting the ground and rolling to a stop, smoldering and buried in sand.

"YES!" Captain Falcon saluted the hole and sprinted off to his next opponent. "Toon Link! You and I gotta battle now!"

Toon Link's eyes widened. "Oh, gee, really? Well, okay, Doug… Wait, what's that?" Toon Link cupped a hand to his pointy ear.

"What's what?"

"Don't you hear it? Oh, it's horrible! A cat crying for help! It climbed up a tree and now it's stuck! …On the other side of the planet." He smirked as Captain Falcon's mouth hung open in shock and horror.

"This travesty shall not stand!" Captain Falcon snapped his fingers and the Blue Falcon fell from the sky, landing squarely on Toon Link. He hopped inside and blasted off into the distance at warpspeed, disqualifying himself from the fight. Toon Link was left flattened on the coliseum floor, his plan having backfired.

"Oh, well, at least I tricked him into leaving the ring… Ow ow ow…"

"Not so funny now, is it?" Ness wheezed from underneath the anvil.

"...Nah, it's still funny." Toon Link snickered. "You got all... smooshed..."

* * *

Wario made a sharp turn on his motorcycle, putting it into a skid and plowing sideways through Pac-Man's spherical form. The arcade icon tumbled across the coliseum floor, where Meta Knight quickly spiked him back toward Wario with a well-timed slash. Wario caught Pac-Man in his mouth and chewed him up, but Pac-Man escaped by jamming a fire hydrant between Wario's jaws.

As Wario struggled to dislodge the hydrant, Pac-Man noticed the approaching Olimar and created a line of dots in his direction. He munched along the path and plowed through the Hocotatian, killing five Blue Pikmin in the process.

Meta Knight used his cape to teleport over to Olimar and assist him, but was sent careening when Jigglypuff's Rollout smashed right into him from behind. Jigglypuff quickly followed up with Pound, smacking Meta Knight high up into the air, where Pac-Man's 8-bit Galaxian Flagship battered him in a loop. Jigglypuff prepared a smash attack for the falling Meta Knight, but a group of Olimar's Winged Pikmin snatched the knight out of the air and safely deposited him to the side.

"Excellent, excellent. Even with this Meta Knight's increased weight, the Winged Pikmin have proven strong enough to accommodate him."

Jigglypuff grumbled. "You're such a stupid science nerd. Every time I've trusted my life to stupid science nerd weapons they've failed me."

"How large is your sample size?"

"One out of one."

"Well, I would recommend running several more experiments to acquire more-"

Jigglypuff jumped toward Olimar and planted both feet firmly against Olimar's gut, knocking him down. Pac-Man grabbed Olimar and tossed him away, where he fell to the ground and didn't move.

"That's another KO. It's four on three now, our point," Pac-Man informed Jigglypuff.

"I don't wanna hear the numbers. What did I just say about stupid science nerds?"

"You're deflating."

"That's not what I said, idiot. Man, clean out your earsssssssssssssssss..."

Jigglypuff continued to deflate, collapsing down into a flat pile of pinkness. Meta Knight pulled the tip of his sword away from the unpuffed puffball, and set his eyes on Pac-Man. "Man, if only defeating Kirby were that simple."

"Who is Kirby?"

"You'll love him. He's a sphere that eats everything just like you."

"I'll choose to take that as a compliment. But you mean the guy on the motorcycle?"

"No, no, that's Wario, but the confusion is understandable. Kirby is pink, smaller, and has better hygiene."

"Well, I don't love Wario, so I doubt I'll love Kirby."

"Really, you should love Wario too. He's crass and gross, but he can be quite flattening at times."

"You mean 'flattering'?"

"Nope."

On cue, Wario's ass smashed down onto Pac-Man from above. He then unleashed a massive fart, rocketing off and leaving Pac-Man very, very unconscious from the rank odor and concussive force.

Meta Knight held his imaginary nose. "Good timing."

"Wah ha ha!"

Behind both Wario and Meta Knight, Jigglypuff had taped up the hole Meta Knight poked in him and puffed himself back up. He quietly snuck up on Meta Knight.

"HOLE-POKING MOTHERFUCKER! I AM GOING TO  _FALL ASLEEP ON YOU SO HARD-_ "

"WHAT?!"

It is said that a new star was formed in the Archanean sky that day. Legends speak of a strange foreign swordsman rocketing into the sky at escape velocity and disappearing above the clouds, much to the awe of the spectators. Of course, that's an exaggeration, as the swordsman in question fell back to the ground shortly after, but suffice to say he was in no further condition to fight.

Jigglypuff snapped back awake from his Rest and observed his fallen foe. "That's what you get for literally stabbing me in the back. Real men look each other dead in the eyes when fighting! …Unless they're getting revenge for a back attack, like I just did." He turned to Wario, who was apathetically picking his nose. "And as for you, fat man…"

He hefted Wario's discarded motorcycle up on his stubby little arms, hoisting it above his head. "This isn't a damn parking lot!" He threw the vehicle at its owner, who swiftly gobbled it down. As he was distracted swallowing the motorcycle Jigglypuff kicked him across the jaw, causing him to stumble backwards. "This is a coliseum, where warriors meet each other in glorious battle to assert their dominance over one another!"

Lucina and Marth had exhausted themselves attempting to fight. Neither one had landed a single hit because they were mirroring each other perfectly. Noticing Jigglypuff and Wario's duel, Lucina made a snap decision and sprinted away from Marth, rushing to Wario's side.

"I can't fight Marth on my own. If I help you take down this one, will you help me face Marth?"

Wario shrugged acceptingly. "Wah."

Marth had also decided to break away from the fight, joining Jigglypuff.

"I can't fight this Lucina on my own. If I help you take down Wario, will you help me face Lucina?"

"Why don't we just trade opponents? I gotta remind Lucina who the alpha male is here, and I'm sure standing near Wario will make you feel prettier in comparison."

Lucina called over from her side. "We can hear you, you know."

"Your point being?"

"…Actually, trading opponents seems like a good idea."

As such, when the fighting started again, Jigglypuff rushed Lucina and Marth rushed Wario.

Marth swung his blade at Wario, who caught it in his teeth and shook violently. Marth's grip on the sword slipped and he stumbled back as Wario deftly turned the blade around with his tongue and pointed it in Marth's direction. As Marth dodged Wario's attempted stabbings, Jigglypuff floated around Lucina, pummeling her from every angle he could in a flurry of pink hands and feet. Lucina caught on to the timing of his attacks, however, and parried him with a successful counterslash. Jigglypuff's taped-up hole popped back open, and the inflatable Pokémon deflated once more, passing out this time.

Lucina sighed in relief and propped herself up with her blade. Her fight with Marth had drained most of her stamina, and the beating Jigglypuff delivered left her feeling numb.

"Are you using that?" Marth asked.

Lucina groggily shrugged.

"Okay, thanks." Marth snatched the sword from out of her grip and bashed her in the back of the head with its hilt. Lucina collapsed, unconscious, and Marth turned around just in time to parry Wario's thrust. Lucina's version of Falchion felt unfamiliar and awkward in Marth's hand, but his years of experience granted him an advantage over Wario's sloppy mouth-swordplay. He successfully deflected all of Wario's strikes in an effort to retrieve his sword from Wario's mouth, but a solid hit against its side prompted Wario to simply swallow it.

Marth glared with eyes even sharper than the ingested weapon. "Did you just eat the legendary sword Falchion?"

"Waaaah! Waaaaa-hahaha!"

Marth emitted a very inelegant screech, tossed Lucina's sword aside, and tackled Wario head-on. He crashed against Wario's belly as if he were flopping down onto a water bed, and began punching Wario in the stomach. The two wrestled, and Wario easily threw Marth to the ground. He attempted to crush the prince beneath his rear, but Marth swiftly kicked upwards, putting him into a spin. Wario crashed down onto Marth head-to-head, and even though one was wearing a helmet they both were knocked out cold by the impact.

" **GAME!** " the omnipotent voice yelled.

The coliseum was silent for a moment. Toon Link and Ness both peeled themselves up off the ground, the latter managing to shove the anvil aside.

Toon Link rubbed his head. "It's over?"

"Is it a draw?"

" **THIS GAME'S WINNER IS… LUIGI!** "

Luigi, who had still been cowering off to the side, stopped and slowly looked up from under his hat. "M-me?"

Meta Knight snapped to attention. "You've gotta be kidding me!  _Luigi won by doing absolutely nothing_?!"

* * *

Captain Falcon was still missing, but the other eleven participants in the coliseum fight were up and conscious once more thanks to some generously-provided elixirs courtesy of the coliseum staff. Wario had even regurgitated Marth's sword, though the prince refused to touch it. Jigglypuff and Toon Link had broken away to admire the exactly-Robin-shaped hole in the wall.

"It's a fucking masterpiece," Jigglypuff rested his chin on his arm… somehow. "Falcon makes art with every punch."

Toon Link sipped a cup of tea pretentiously. "I love the artist's use of shading here, and the deep, earthy tones of the chosen canvas." He grinned. "I also love how even Robin's _hair_  and the loose-hanging fabric of his jacket left their exact shape in the wall."

The other Smashers were congregated at the center of the arena, far from the hole. "Well, we lost," Meta Knight conceded. "Wait… that's impossible! We were supposed to win! Something isn't right here…"

"A deal is a deal, Meta Knight," Marth smugly asserted. "I know not whether you have been brainwashed by the white-haired imp or are merely facsimiles of my fellow Smashers, but either way I expect you all to leave now and never return."

Robin sighed. "I said I can't brainwash people. But nevertheless, you're right about the deal. We will evacuate at once."

"Oh, before you do, one other thing." Marth shuddered and picked up his sword, wincing as the slime dripped down his hand. "Step forward, 'Lucina'."

"Oh,  _right_ , that extra condition," Meta Knight snapped his fingers(?) in recollection.

"Wait, what?! You're really going to execute me?!"

"Uhh, yeah? Can't have another Marth imposter running around."

"Guys? Robin? Meta Knight?"

"Don't worry, Lucina. I know for a fact you survive," Meta Knight reassured her.

"Right, just like you knew for a fact we would win. You're full of shit and now I'm going to die because of you. Happy?"

"Less than I thought I'd be."

Marth rushed forward and placed the grimy sword up against Lucina's throat. "Any last words, fiendish doppelganger?"

Ness spoke up. "Uh, I don't think she can say  _anything_  with the tip of the sword up against her neck. I mean, if she tried to speak her throat would move and she would get herself stabbed."

"That's a fair point." Marth continued to hold the sword dangerously close. "No final words, then? Die, so that my uniqueness may live!"

Robin cleared his throat. "Excuse me? May I speak on her behalf?"

"…Make it quick."

"Well, first I think she would say 'Please, for the love of all the gods, do NOT stab me with the Wario-stomach-fluid-sword.' But then I think she would say that killing her wouldn't solve anything. After all, you said that Master Hand keeps bringing in 'clones' of you to try and replace you?"

"Yeah…?"

"Well, you mentioned a 'Roy' who got removed, yet kneeling before you is yet another 'clone' of you. Clearly, Master Hand is going to keep bringing in these fiendish doppelgangers of you. Kill one, and another will take its place."

"That's true… it must be an insidious plot to drive me crazy! Then he'll have me thrown into an asylum, where I'll be sedated with all kinds of drugs while he takes over rulership of Archanea!"

"Yes, exactly! You've seen through his plan! And what would be the best way to counter this insidious plot?"

"By killing every clone Master Hand sends to replace me!"

"Err, no. No, that is a very bad idea. Clearly, what you  _should_  do is work alongside the clones. Befriend them. He wants to anger you, so seeing you  _embrace_  his machinations instead of rejecting them will most assuredly drive  _Master Hand_  crazy!"

"No, that's his brother," Ness corrected.

Marth rubbed his chin in thought as Lucina anxiously stared at the precarious sword. "Well… I can't help but feel you're just manipulating me here… but okay." He pulled the sword away and sheathed it. Lucina promptly collapsed to the ground and began gasping for air, shaking and trying to relax herself.

Robin exhaled in relief, but he wasn't done yet. "I know the original stipulation of our battle was that we must leave your land, but  _our_  victory's condition, that you and your five allies join us on our quest, would give you the best shot at foiling Master Hand's plot, wouldn't it?"

Marth narrowed his eyes. "Now I  _know_  you're just playing me for a fool. But you're also correct. Come on, guys, let's go follow Meta Knight and see what we're being tricked into doing." Marth casually walked over to their side.

Meta Knight glanced at Marth, then over at Robin. "God _damn_. That more than makes up for getting taken out right away."

"Yes, well… being a good tactician requires predicting human behavior based on quick assessments of their personality. All's fair in war, but I'm somewhat ashamed to admit it can be quite useful  _off_  the battlefield as well."

Pac-Man scratched his head. "So wait, what was even the point of fighting? We're doing the losers' part of the bet instead of the winners'!"

Ness shrugged. "I guess it was pretty pointless. But hey, I had fun. I'd better go grab the other two. What about Captain Falcon?"

"Oh, if my plan goes as, uh, planned- which it should now, everything is back on track -he'll meet up with us later."

Lucina jumped up off the dusty ground and brushed herself off. "I'm glad that's all taken care of. Are we ready to go?"

Robin turned to her. "Are you okay, Lucina?"

"I'm fine, thank you. It's hardly the first time I've faced death."

"You were sweating buckets."

"It's hot out."

"You were also trembling.

"It's… cold out, too."

Robin crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow.

"Don't give me that look. Also, thank you so much for saving my life, you're a great friend. But seriously, don't give me that look."

* * *

-  _Mansion_ –

"Shut it down! Shut it ALL DOWN!" Master Hand yelled. "That includes your long-distance calls, Crazy!"

"But! But talking to Peppy brings me joy!"

"I don't care! Any transdimensional activity originating from this world can potentially be traced back here, and then we're screwed! Got it?"

Crazy Hand loudly sighed, and closed his miniscule flip phone between his fingers.

"Thank you. Now then, R.O.B.? How are the repairs coming along? I want this place in sturdy condition just in case the worst comes to pass."

R.O.B. whirred. "Internal structure restored to 100% original conditions. Northern face still missing 13% of its surface area. Eastern face missing 3%. West and south faces restored to 100% original conditions."

"Good, good. Let's get a move on with the front, though. That was always my favorite side."

"Affirmative. In addition, I have established emergency evacuation protocols for the staff and resident Assist Trophies in the event of an attack that cannot be repulsed. I will upload the details into your main computer, if you request it."

"I do."

"Affirmative."

R.O.B. scuttled away to do that. Master Hand hovered for a moment, then addressed his brother. "Why do you even talk to Peppy? He just says the same dumb Star Fox 64 quotes over and over again."

"Well-hell-hell… you know what the definitions of insanity is?"

"Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome?"

"Wait, really? For realses, all this timing I thought it was 'a gum, spice, or other substance that is burned for the sweet smell it produces'."

"…"

"…"

"…That's incense."

"I don't think so! Isn't that when you bang screw your cousin?"

"Go… make nachos."

"Okay!"

The left hand rocketed away, punching R.O.B. to pieces in the process. Master Hand winced, and scooped up the broken robot. "I guess I should have seen that coming." He cleared his throat and bellowed down the hall toward the Assist Trophy rooms. "JEEEEEEE-EEEEEEFF~! I've got something you can help me with! I might even feed you if you do a good job~!"

" _I'm such a generous guy,"_  Master Hand proudly thought to himself.


	18. How to Accomplish an Assault Mission

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Funny story, the gap between this chapter and the previous chapter is 55 days, which is exactly one day longer than the gap between the previous chapter and its previous chapter. I guess it could be worse, but I was quite disappointed with my output rate. On the plus side, this was the longest chapter yet by quite a large margin.
> 
> Read and review, please. It's delicious.
> 
> Originally published 6/3/17

-  _Temple Base, Main Control Room_  –

Ghetsis Harmonia ran his bony hands through his hair. The wailing siren had been going off for the past five minutes and it was starting to damage his hearing. Cia had assigned him to oversee the construction of her foothold at the Temple stage, and everything had been going swimmingly. Until five minutes ago, obviously.

All the camera feeds depicted the Smash Bros., the biggest obstacle to interdimensional conquest, kicking names and taking ass. Or was it chewing ass and kicking bubblegum? Ghetsis could never get that expression right. Either way, the squadron of construction Primids and Metalls Cia and Dr. Wily loaned him to build the fortress posed little resistance to the Smash Bros., but more distressingly neither did the contingent of armed Primids and Pigmasks specifically stationed as a defense.

A lone Sword Primid sprinted into Ghetsis's office. "Sir! Dennis! Sir Dennis! Urgent news!"

Ghetsis scowled. "That is NOT my name! I am Lord Ghetsis!"

"Sorry!  _Lord_  Dennis! Sir!" The Sword Primid saluted, cutting its own head off with its beam sword. An unarmed Primid immediately stepped in to replace its deceased comrade. "Lord Dennis! Sir! The Smash Bros. are here!"

"It's GHETSIS! And I know that you idiot! Get out there and fight!"

"Sorry Sir Spaghetti! But more urgently, they're about to attack us! We have to fight them!"

Ghetsis sighed, and drew a Pokéball from within his black robe. From the sphere emerged his most powerful Pokémon. "Hydreigon, use Crunch."

The Hydreigon roared. "I'm very hungry. Give me the Primid." It grabbed the Primid with its three heads and ripped it apart, its smaller heads swallowing the arms while the center head swallowed the rest of it. Hydreigion burped from each of its heads. "Yep. That wasn't too bad."

Ghetsis recalled his Pokémon, and stormed out of his office to find the command center. "I have to do everything in this accursed base!"

* * *

-  _Temple Base, Exterior_  -

"Samus?" Pikachu asked from under a pile of Primids that were currently pummeling him into the ground.

"Yeah?"

"Your way sucks."

"You're just not trying hard enough." Samus capped off her statement by jamming her arm cannon clean through a Primid's head and then shooting its ally while its corpse still hung limp around the barrel.

Pikachu unleashed a massive discharge of electricity, and then clawed his way up out of the pile of dead Primids. "Is  _that_  hard enough?"

"Well, obviously, since it worked. Why didn't you just do that in the first place?"

"Because I wanted to emphasize that this was a terrible idea."

"You just gotta prove a point, don't you-" The impact of a Mettaur's energy shot against the back of her helmet interrupted her. She immediately whipped around and fired a missile at the little construction robot, but it retreated under its helmet and the missile exploded harmlessly. "Seriously, what are their helmets made of, Nintendium?"

"This works on the Mechon, so maybe it'll work on them. Here goes nothing!" Shulk cast Monado Enchant on himself, and attempted to spear the Mettaur, but the Monado harmlessly bounced off. Newton's third law caused Shulk to stumble backwards and fall on his ass.

"You're right. That  _was_ nothing," Pikachu droned.

Bowser stomped over. "What are you doing?"

Samus crouched near the robot, waiting for it to emerge. "Fighting a Met, but it's invincible when it's in its helmet. Seriously, don't even bother trying."

"That's dumb." Bowser picked the Mettaur up, the little robot kicking its legs to try and escape Bowser's grasp. He casually roasted it with his fire breath, reducing it to slag, and threw the unscathed helmet off the side of the temple.

"Or I guess you can just do that," Samus conceded.

The assorted speakers rigged up around the construction site blared to life, the sound of a microphone being impatiently tapped echoing throughout the temple. "Is this thing on…? Ahem… Listen up, you idiot servants! Anyone who doesn't fight the Smash Bros. at the absolute limit of your competence will be  _thrown off the stage into the abyss_  as punishment!"

"That sounds like the base's leader," Shulk noted.

Bowser rolled his eyes. "No shit."

Pikachu joined in. "Nice deduction, Shulklock."

"You know, I'm starting to realize you guys are terribly mean…"

A group of three Pigmasks and two Scope Primids perched upon the upper girders began firing a barrage of laser fire down upon Samus and co., but Fox quickly jumped in the way and shielded them with his reflector. "I see 'em up ahead! Let's rock and roll!"

Samus returned fire, and managed to hit one of the Pigmasks, knocking him off the ledge to his doom. The other four snipers focused their aim on her, forcing her to duck behind a wall. "Shit. Someone needs to distract them."

"I'm on it!" Fox dropped his reflector and fired at one of the Primids with his blaster.

The shots met their target but didn't make it flinch. "Uhh… is this supposed to hurt me? Because I'm not really feeling-" The Primid's health ran out, and it suddenly exploded.

Shulk twitched, and Bowser slapped him. "Do not say it."

"But… but… I have to!" Shulk stuck his head out from behind cover. "Maybe you  _should_  have been  _really feeling it!_ " He then yelped and ducked back as a charged shot whizzed past his head.

"Get the blonde kid! Nobody memes on my base!" the voice on the loudspeaker screeched.

Yoshi sprinted below the girder, Mario riding his back. A well-aimed egg throw knocked one of the Pigmasks down; in one fluid movement, Mario jumped off Yoshi's back, then jumped off of the falling Pigmask for extra height, and grabbed onto the girder. Before the remaining two foes could react, he swung up onto the steel beam, grabbed the Scope Primid by the ankles and spun it into the Pigmask, knocking them off and clearing the area. The Primid he had used as a footstool stumbled back up onto his feet at ground level, only for Yoshi to eat its rifle. "Bleh! T-that didn't taste so good!"

"Dino freak!" The Pigmask pulled out a knife and tried to cut Yoshi, who jumped out of the way just in time for Pit to rush in and uppercut the enemy with his Upperdash Arm. The Pigmask was knocked back up toward the girder, where Mario swiftly stomped him down to the ground again, this time for good.

"Evil has once again been vanquished!" Pit grinned.

"Yes! And we all did it together!" Yoshi cheered.

"You got that right!"

Bowser stormed up to the pair. "Wait, wait, hold the hell up. Why are you being polite to Yoshi?"

"Because he has a pure and innocent heart, unlike the rest of you."

"You know he eats his enemies alive and then throws his unborn children at other enemies, right?"

"I guess I  _do_  do that, don't I?!" Yoshi smiled.

"Uh, well… he's so bright and cheerful regardless. How can you hate someone like that?"

"I find it very easy, actually."

* * *

Over on the eastern side of the temple, Donkey Kong swung his fist forward, punching a Primid hard enough to make it explode into particles. Back-to-back with him was Rosalina, who deftly held back the onslaught of laser fire with her wand's gravitational pull. Her Luma hovered cautiously close to her, spitting star bits at any enemy who wandered in too close.

"This is a very solid defense, Donkey, but it's not safe to stay here. We should gather the others and go home."

"I was hoping to dismantle some of these fortifications, but this position does not appear to be conducive to such a tactic."

The Wii Fit Trainer was holding her own against a Giant Primid, whose sluggish movements were easily evaded. "That tower over there has pretty poor posture. Maybe you could start with that?" She summoned a soccer ball and headbutted it up directly at the Giant Primid's right eye. The titan stumbled backwards in pain, tripped over a pile of steel beams, and fell backwards onto some rebar, impaling itself.

Donkey Kong and Rosalina attempted to navigate toward the unsteady construction, but a barrage of fire from eight or so Fire Primids cut them off. The floor was set ablaze, blocking off access to the building. "Damnation."

"Language!"

Zelda stumbled by. "English! Rrright?"

Pikachu also arrived, having abandoned Samus and Shulk. "I already made a joke like that, Zelda." He was carrying an empty Mettaur helmet, using it like a shield against the hail of fireballs.

One of those fireballs struck DK in the back, putting him on the defensive while Rosalina examined Zelda.

"Zelda, have you been drinking?"

Donkey Kong answered on her behalf. "The answer to that question is 'yes' with near infallible certainty." Another fireball hit him, this time on the shoulder. "Rrrgh! Desist!"

Zelda confirmed DK's answer. "I have been! Anyway, Don… Don….. Don Quixote, doesn't this schtuff look familiar?"

Donkey Kong glanced around at the amassment of girders, ladders, and steel barrels surrounding him. "Hmm. I suppose it does resemble a time long past-" Yet another fireball impacted Donkey Kong. Fed up, he let out a roar and pounded his chest. "YOUR IGNIPAROUS ASSAULT UPON MY PERSON SHALL NOT GO UNPUNISHED!" He grabbed Rosalina by the waist, and started climbing up an incomplete tower opposite their target. At twenty-five meters above the ground, he set Rosalina down and furiously stomped across the length of the girder, setting all the lower levels crooked.

"That was… interesting behavior. Why did you bring  _me_  up here, Donkey?"

"My apologies. I was merely experiencing a bout of nostalgia."

Three of the Fire Primids started climbing up the structure. "Everybody get him before he starts swatting at biplanes or falling in love with Fay Wray!"

The gorilla grabbed a steel drum and rolled it down the girders, bowling over their attempt at ascending. "HOW HIGH CAN YOU GET?!"

Down on the ground, Pikachu, Zelda, and Wii Fit Trainer tried their best to approach the wobbly tower, but were stonewalled at every opportunity by the Fire Primids. Zelda tried using Din's Fire on them, but shockingly it didn't hurt them very much.

"Stop trying to fight fire with fire!" Pikachu yelled.

"Don't tell me how to live my-"

A fully charged Super Scope shot hit Zelda, blasting her clean through the wall of a storage depot.

Pikachu winced. "Owch, that's gotta hurt…"

Inside the depot, Zelda crashed down in a large pile of unused Mettaur helmets. "Owww…" Stumbling back up onto her feet, she kicked one of the helmets. It crashed against the wall and left a dent. The helmet itself remained unharmed. "Hmm… I hash an idea…"

Back outside, the Wii Fit Trainer managed to knock one of the Fire Primids down with another soccer ball, but the remaining four kept their assault up. "We have to get through there s͏̳̗̩̪o̸̼̱̤me͞h̪̖̭̣̹̥o̥w̙̤̜…"

"Well, don't look at me. I don't like getting burned, it messes up my fur."

The Scope Primid that eliminated Zelda took aim at Pikachu and fired another charge shot, but he managed to deflect it with the Mettaur helmet, sending it up into the sky. Undeterred, the Primid tried again, but a steel barrel from Donkey Kong's tower ran over it, reducing it to a purple smear on the floor.

* * *

"YOU INCOMPETENT FOOLS! STOP DYING!" The voice on the loudspeaker had become particularly unhinged and frustrated. Link grunted and covered his ears.

"Yeah, that's annoying, isn't it kid?" Mr. Game & Watch beeped.

Link nodded, and pointed at the largest complete building on the eastern edge of the temple.

"You think it's coming from there? Well, hell. Let's go check it out then, maybe we can finally get some peace and quiet…" Mr. Game & Watch followed Link as he bombed the door down, stepping into the cold, metallic facility.

"Hey, anybody home?!" Mr. Game & Watch yelled.

The building remained quiet for a few seconds, before the clomping of boots descending a staircase broke the silence. Ghetsis joined Link and Mr. Game & Watch in the entry chamber, a smirk upon his otherwise-disheveled face. "Well, well, well. So you two have slipped past all of my security to strike right at the heart of the operation, have you?"

"What security? Nobody was guarding your door. You know, back in my day we didn't need security. You could just leave your door unlocked all day, and nobody would break in to rob you or beat you up. Not like nowadays, where you can't even set a toe outside without some hoodlums stealing your wallet or your tropical fish. Why, I even used to-"

"I'm going to rudely cut you off there, and simply introduce myself. I am Ghetsis Harmonia Gropius. Lord of Team Plasma, ruler of the Unova region, and soon-to-be ruler of this world too."

"Whuzzat? You say your name's Dennis Harmonica Grope-a-lot? Sorry, sonny, my hearing's not so good anymore."

Ghetsis dropped the pleasant façade. "NO! My name is Ghetsis! And the next person to call me 'Dennis' will get thrown off the side of this temple!"

"Now, hold on, didn't you already threaten that over that newfangled intercom?"

"Yes, I did! It warranted a second use. Regardless, it's quite clear that you've come here to strike me down. As king of Unova, I hereby challenge you to a Pokémon battle!"

"I don't know what these Pokeymans are, but all the kids these days seem to like them. Therefore I hate them! Let's fight man-to-man!" Mr. Game & Watch advanced toward Ghetsis, but a digitized cracking sound emitted from his back. "Oooh, I'm gonna need to lie that one off for a while. You there, kid, you fight Ghetto."

Link shrugged, and stepped forward.

Ghetsis parted his robe, revealing six Pokéballs on his person. "It is quite brave of you to face off against the ruler of Unova. I can assure you-"

"Hold it, hold it, hold it." Kirby floated in. "Last I heard Unova was never overthrown by Team Plasma."

"Just how long were you eavesdropping in the doorway?! Regardless, of course it was. My plan was perfect, and as such I successfully made the region mine."

Kirby flipped through the pages of a textbook. "Mmm… not seeing anything about that in this history book."

"Well it's wrong! My plan was absolutely perfect, therefore it could not have failed.  _Therefore_ , by all accounts I  _must_  have succeeded and now rule the land!" Ghetsis grinned. "Simple logic."

"So you're just totally delusional, then. Okay. Just checking. I'm going back out to fight your mooks, at least they have a firmer grasp on reality." Kirby backed out of the building, rejoining the chaos outside. There, he witnessed DK's temper tantrum to his left, and Wii Fit Trainer and Pikachu attempting to navigate a barrage of fire on the right. He wisely decided to head right.

"I, uh, see it's on like Donkey Kong over there."

Pikachu answered. "Yep. Hey, maybe your suckiness can help us here. Think you can eat that fire for us?"

"Nuh-uh. Fire is too high in calories! It's literally caloric!"

"Yeah! Healthy choice, Kirby!" Wii Fit Trainer assured him.

"Getting open-flame grilled is even less healthy! Just frikkin' do it!"

"No!"

At that moment, Zelda burst back out of the storage depot, wearing about three dozen Mettaur helmets on her body arranged into a crude armor. "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" She screamed a war cry and charged imperviously through the firestorm, shoulder-checking the base of the tower with her amassment of helmets. Sure enough, it tipped over, smashing through several other structures and crushing dozens of enemy forces. Donkey Kong's tower also collapsed from the seismic force; Rosalina safely floated back down to ground level, while Donkey Kong swung his way down the collapsing structure like a true king of the (concrete) jungle.

Unfortunately, the chaos also broke off an entire wall of one of the temple's original structures, which fell toward Kirby, Pikachu, and Wii Fit Trainer. The latter two swiftly stepped aside, but Kirby remained in its ever-darkening shadow.

"Kirby, you moron, get out of the way!" Pikachu called out.

"No way! I'm gonna Buster Keaton that shit!" He pointed up at a narrow window in the approaching wall, and attempted to line himself up with it.

"You're going to get squished! And while that'd be hilarious, it'd also really suck for business!"

"I'll bet you twenty dollars I can do it!"

Rosalina joined them. "Don't! That's way too risky a bet!"

"Fine,  _ten_  dollars, then!"

The wall crashed down with a heavy thud, ejecting bricks and rubble everywhere. When the dust settled, Kirby stood triumphantly within the window. "Told you so."

"Good for you. Now where's Zelda?"

The princess burst up out of the rubble, completely unharmed. She tossed her "armor" aside, and took a long swig of bourbon. "That was good stuff! Let'sh set it up again!"

One last Primid staggered up to them, pointing a Super Scope directly at the back of Zelda's head. "Nobody move! Or I might miss!"

Before he could execute Zelda, Princess Peach slinked in out of nowhere and snapped the Primid's neck. "Stealth tactics are fun!"

* * *

The massive crash outside broke the silence in the command center. Ghetsis huffed, and turned to Link. "Well?! Summon your Pokémon already!"

Link raised an eyebrow and shrugged in confusion. Then he snapped his fingers in realization, and dug through his item bag, pulling out six Assist Trophies.

"…Those will do, I guess."

**Link is challenged by Team Plasma Ghetsis!**

**Team Plasma Ghetsis sent out Cofagrigus!**

**Link sent out Samurai Goroh!**

"I GODDAMN HATE SARCOPHAGI!"

Mr. Game & Watch looked back and forth between the angry man and the ancient ghost. "So, what happens now?"

"What will happen is that my Cofagrigus will easily dispose of your friend's… fat samurai Pokémon. But if you mean to ask how battles in general work, Link must choose a move for his Pokémon to use, as do I. Then, they fight!"

Link rubbed his chin in thought for a moment, before pointing at Goroh's sword and then at the sinister Pokémon opposite him.

**Samurai Goroh used Fury Swipes! It doesn't affect the foe's Cofagrigus…**

"I GODDAMN HATE  _INTANGIBLE_  SARCOPHAGI EVEN MORE!"

Ghetsis chuckled. "I was expecting exactly that kind of move!"

**The foe's Cofagrigus used Toxic! Samurai Goroh was badly poisoned! Samurai Goroh was hurt by poison!**

"Ooh, all of a sudden I'm not feeling so good. CALL ME THE HELL BACK!"

Link fumbled with the broken Assist Trophy case and eventually managed to suck Goroh back into it. He picked up one of the other Assist Trophies and unleashed it.

**Link recalled Samurai Goroh! Link sent out Ashley!**

"For what purpose have you summoned me? I was just about to-"

**The foe's Cofagrigus used Shadow Ball! It's not very effective…**

Ineffective or not, Ashley was clearly displeased by the sudden attack.

**Ashley used Dark Pulse! It's super effective! The foe's Cofagrigus fainted!**

"Hmm… so you managed to defeat the vanguard, but the rest of the army has yet to emerge!"

**Team Plasma Ghetsis sent out Bisharp!**

**Bisharp used X-Scissor! It's super effective! Ashley fainted!**

**Link sent out Samurai Goroh!**

"I'M STILL GODDAMN POISONED YOU ASS!"

Mr. Game & Watch scoffed from the sidelines. "Don't be such a softie."

"SOFTIE?!  _SOFTIE?!_ IS THIS 'SOFT' TO YOU?!"

**Samurai Goroh used Sacred Sword! It's super effective! The foe's Bisharp fainted! Samurai Goroh was hurt by poison!**

Ghetsis sputtered. "What kind of a move was that?! How dare you exploit my Bisharp's quadruple weakness?!"

Samurai Goroh turned to Mr. Game & Watch. "CALL ME A GODDAMN SOFTIE AGAIN AND THAT WILL HAPPEN TO YOU!"

"Bah."

**Team Plasma Ghetsis sent out Eelektross!**

**Samurai Goroh used Fury Swipes! Hit 4 times!**

**The foe's Eelektross used Wild Charge! The foe's Eelektross is damaged by recoil!**

**Samurai Goroh was hurt by poison!**

"Urgh… this is the end… for Samurai Goroh!"

**Samurai Goroh fainted!**

**Link sent out Mother Brain!**

Mr. Game & Watch, Ghetsis, Eelektross, and even Link all recoiled in horror at the massive brain monster. Mother Brain rolled its eye. "What, have you all never seen a giant brain in a jar before?"

Ghetsis raised his hand. "I have. But it was a human brain. Once my idiot son was acting up so I had it removed and put in a jar until he learned to behave. You should have seen him laying there like a comatose little shit, it was hilarious! Then when we put it back in, we must have put it in wrong or something, because he kept thinking his name was 'N'! I mean, come on! Not even  _I'd_  name my kid that! …His real name was 'H', by the way."

**The foe's Eelektross used Wild Charge! The foe's Eelektross is damaged by recoil!**

Eelektross bounced against the glass jar protecting Mother Brain, putting a large set of cracks through it. Mother Brain fumed. "Do you know how hard it is to make cylindrical glass tubes my size when so much of our Space Pirate treasury goes toward weapons development, space rum, and one-meter-wide tubes?! Even the slightest crack means the entire structure must be replaced! Well, no sense in keeping it now…"

**Mother Brain used Hyper Beam!**

The glass jar protecting Mother Brain shattered to pieces as a massive rainbow laser fired forth from her retina, utterly vaporizing the target.

**The foe's Eelektross fainted!**

Ghetsis grunted. "You may have the lead for now, but I haven't begun to fight!"

"I'll say."

"You shut up, thin black creature! After I defeat this elf in battle, you're next!"

"I don't have any Pokeymans!"

"I know! I'm going to break the number one rule of Pokémon villains and attack you directly! Then I'll throw you and the elf off the side of the temple, into the abyss below!"

**Team Plasma Ghetsis sent out Bouffalant!**

**The foe's Bouffalant used Head Charge!**

Ghetsis's Bouffalant charged forward, bashing its afro-covered head against Mother Brain's exposed grey matter.

**The foe's Bouffalant is damaged by recoil!**

**Mother Brain must recharge!**

"Hmhmhm… This brain is a powerful Pokémon, but a Head Charge from my Bouffalant is no laughing matter. I could even finish it off with a weaker move! Bouffalant! Wild Charge!"

**Link recalled Mother Brain! Link sent out Phosphora!**

"Yes? You called?"

**The foe's Bouffalant used Wild Charge! It's not very effective…**

"What was that now? It felt like a tickle!"

**The foe's Bouffalant is damaged by recoil!**

Ghetsis stamped his cane against the floor. "That's not fair! I announced my move ahead of time and you used your turn to switch out!"

"Wow, what's with this guy's getup?" Phosphora snickered to Link while pointing at the man wearing a black mantle with eyes on it.

"Stop making fun of my outfit! I am Lord Ghetsis, and I demand the respect accorded that title!"

"Okay, sheesh. Sorry, Lord Gaycheese. It's just you look like… like… I don't even know! …A candy bar wrapper!"

"RRRRRRRRRRRR!"

**Phosphora used Thunder! The foe's Bouffalant fainted!**

**Team Plasma Ghetsis sent out Seismitoad!**

**Phosphora used Thunder! It doesn't affect the foe's Seismitoad…**

"Wait, what? Why can't I zap this frog?"

"AH-HA! You fell for my trap!"

**The foe's Seismitoad used Earthquake!**

**It's super effective! Phosphora fainted!**

**Link sent out Mother Brain!**

**The foe's Seismitoad used Sludge Wave!**

Mother Brain was brought down to critical health by the deluge of gunk. "No! If I go down, I'm taking you with me!"

**Mother Brain used Self-Destruct!**

**The foe's Seismitoad fainted!**

**Mother Brain fainted!**

"Good, very good… I am impressed that you've backed me into this corner. But now you face my strongest Pokémon! Come, Hydreigon!"

**Team Plasma Ghetsis sent out Hydreigon!**

"I'm very hungry," the three-headed dragon moaned.

**Link sent out Shadow the Hedgehog!**

"Hmph."

Link pointed at Ghetsis's Hydreigon. Shadow merely scoffed. "Why should I fight it? The pain of battle is pointless in the face of an uncaring universe. I'm too deep to waste my time like that."

**Shadow the Hedgehog is loafing around!**

**The foe's Hydreigon used Dragon Pulse!**

"Maria…"

**Shadow fainted!**

Hydreigon snatched the fainted hedgehog up by his head. "Give me the Shadow." It swallowed its prey, and burped. Mr. Game & Watch laughed at the edgy punk being devoured, while Link unleashed his final Assist Trophy, praying to the goddesses for someone useful.

**Link sent out Tingle!**

"Heeeeey!"

Link smacked his palm against his face. Ghetsis unleashed a mad laugh. "It seems the fight is over! Of course, I already knew it would end with my victory!"

Hydreigon licked all three sets of its lips. "Give me the Tingle."

**The foe's Hydreigon used Draco Meteor!**

Tingle simply shook his red-brief-clad ass as the giant flaming rocks descended upon him.

**It doesn't affect Tingle…**

Ghetsis snapped the head off of his cane in shock. "WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAAAAT?!"

"Tingle, Tingle, Kooloo-Limpah!"

**Tingle used Dazzling Gleam! It's super effective!**

"No! I don't want that!" Hydreigon tried to shield itself from the burst of light, but to no avail. It flopped to the floor, felled by its fairy opponent. "That was terrible! I'm never coming here again…!"

**The foe's Hydreigon fainted!**

**Link defeated Team Plasma Ghetsis! Link got 9360 Pokédollars for winning!**

Ghetsis remained dead silent for a good minute or so, before letting out a low laugh. "Heh. Hahaha! You lose, elf boy! I have defeated all of your Pokémon, and now you are helpless before me!"

Mr. Game & Watch cricked his back and stood up. "Now, hold on. Even I can tell you lost that fight, Ghetsis!"

"First of all no, because that's impossible. My team is perfect; therefore it can't lose, therefore I won!  _Basic logic, people!_ And second of all  **STOP CALLING ME 'GHETSIS'! MY NAME IS 'DENNIS'!** Wait, shit! Now you've got  _me_  doing it! My name is-"

Link walked up to Ghetsis and whacked him over the head with the flat end of the Master Sword, knocking him out cold.

Tingle posed. "Mr. Fairy! Did Tingle's services suit your needs?"

Link nodded.

"Most excellent! That will be 398 rupees, now! Mr. Fairy  _is_  prepared to reimburse Tingle for services rendered, yes?"

Link rolled his eyes and walked away, only to be blasted down onto his face by a small explosion. Tingle stood smugly, spinning a bomb on his finger. "Mr. Fairy, you forgot to pay Tingle!"

Link sighed and pulled out his wallet.

* * *

The other Smash Bros. finally finished cleaning up outside; once the enemy realized they were outmatched and no longer receiving helpful feedback from their supervisor, most of them left in a hurry, flying away into the distance on hovering construction vehicles.

"Well, I guess that's-a that. Now… who wants to have-a fun wrecking all their stuff?!" Mario pulled a bunch of hammers out of his belt.

"Me! Me! I love Wrecking Crew!" Kirby jumped up and down waving his stubby hand.

Zelda stumbled up to the front. "I want the hammer with the shqueaky head! It's my favorite!"

"Just be careful not to hurt yourself! Or get a splinter! …Or touch any poison ivy!" Rosalina cautioned.

Armed with hammers or whatever other personal weapons they had, the Smash Bros. got busy demolishing all the remaining construction efforts Cia's army had been working on, reducing weeks of hard work into rubble in a matter of minutes. All in all, it was probably the most fun they've had as a group ever since the adventure started.

As the bulk of the Smash Bros. finished returning the Temple stage to its original form, Link and Mr. Game & Watch returned, dragging Ghetsis's unconscious body behind them.

"Link here beat this guy up. He's one of the head honchos."

Donkey Kong regarded the fallen would-be tyrant. "Ah, him. Pray tell, what appellation did Master Hand describe this man with?"

"I think it was 'Ghetsis Harmonia'," Peach recalled.

"Nah, it was 'Gettysburg Hambone', remember?" Kirby corrected her.

"I think it was 'Berenice Hamburger', actually…" the Wii Fit Trainer stated.

"Well, regardless of his name, what should we do with him?" Shulk asked.

As the Smash Bros. began having a surprisingly civil argument about Ghetsis's fate, the Villager quietly grabbed the man's ankle, dragged him over to the edge of the stage, and dropped him off the side. The others watched as Ghetsis's body plummeted down into the abyss, never to be seen again.

Samus began to deliver a summation. "And so I guess that's the end of-"

"Dennis Harmonica," Pikachu interrupted. "Boom, got the last word in on the name debate, now it's finalized as that forever in any future discussion of him."

The others shrugged and accepted that, and stepped away to let Dennis continue falling unaware to his death.

"Well, I'd call this a success. We took out an enemy base, and defeated one of their leaders. So, where to now?" Shulk asked. "It doesn't seem like there's anyone to recruit here."

"Well, we can't stick around. Those goons that got away will probably report that we were here, if they don't already figure it out when Dennis doesn't give them any status reports…" Samus mused.

"So… find yet another rift, then?"

"Yeah, probably. Unless you have a better idea on how to get to another dimension?"

The Wii Fit Trainer raised her hand.

"I said a  _better_  idea."

* * *

-  _A desert in Archanea_ –

Robin wiped his brow, sweat disappearing into the sand below. "You know what I hate about deserts besides the sand? The heat. Can the sun just… go away, or something?"

"Yes, we get it.  _None_  of us like walking through a desert, Robin," Ness sighed.

"Maybe if you had some  _ice magic_  you could cool yourself down," Meta Knight coyly suggested.

"Gods, okay. Next town we see, I'll check. I still don't get why we need it, though…"

"It's all part of the master plan."

Toon Link butted in. "Yeah! It's gonna be awesome!"

"What 'master plan' is this?" Marth asked suspiciously.

"Don't bother asking, sir Hero-King. He'll just be cryptic," Lucina answered.

"We're trying to get to our period of time, which is about two thousand years from now. All he'll tell us is that I need ice magic, and that we need to march north."

"The future, hmm? I can't say I like that idea… but I wonder what kinds of technological marvels exist two millennia from now? Perhaps this world will have caught up to some of the worlds you other people come from."

"Err… funny story about that, sir Hero-King…"

"Science is stagnant as shit in this world!" Toon Link cheerfully announced. "…Question, Luci: Why are you still addressing him with reverence after he tried to  _kill_  you?"

"H-he had a good reason!"

"No he didn't! And I say that as someone who was on his side!" Ness interjected.

"Well, he's a legendary hero and my ancient ancestor! Some degree of deference must be offered unconditionally!"

"It's funny that you think he's a legendary hero. Hell, all us vets know him better than you do, if you think about it," Meta Knight mused.

"And just what is that supposed to mean?!" Marth indignantly sputtered.

"It means that we've met you personally in the Smash Bros. tournaments. Twice in Ness and Captain Falcon's case."

"I meant the first statement!"

"What first statement? You're imagining things."

"Oh, gods! What if it's heat stroke?! Guys, does heat stroke cause auditory hallucinations too?! Is that merchant's stall over there a hallucination too?!"

"Oh, neat. Robin, go barter for ice magic."

Robin rolled his eyes and approached the stall, which was staffed by a redheaded woman. "Hello, Anna."

"Hi! What can I do for you?"

"You wouldn't happen to have- Wait, Anna? Why are you in the past?"

"Past? What are you talking about, buster? If I'm from the past are you from the future, is that it?"

"Err, uh, actually, yes. Two millennia in fact."

"Oh. Good to know my family line's still going strong eons from now! So what can I do for you? Some hair dye for your premature greying?"

"It's white, not gray, and I'm perfectly comfortable with it! And no, I need ice magic. But I'm going to assume you have none, and this is all a waste of-"

"Fimbulvetr tome's 450 gold."

"Oh, well that's-" Robin fished through his pockets, but came up short. "Uh… Would you accept 384 gold?"

"The price is the price."

Robin cupped his hands to his mouth and called back to the others, his voice echoing across the desert plains. "Lucina! Do you have any gold?"

"No! I'll ask Meta Knight! …He says 'no' too! Should I try asking Wario? I'm going to try asking Wario!"

Anna sighed and rested her elbows on the counter as her potential customers yelled back and forth across the desert. "Why did I even set up shop out here in the middle of nowhere, anyway?"

-  _Later that night…_  -

Robin shivered and pulled his cloak tightly around himself. "I-I take back what I said! Can the sun p-p-please come back?"

"Man up. This cold is nothing to me," Jigglypuff sneered.

"I can't believe we had to sell my 'For Sale' sign to afford that book," Ness grumbled, arms folded around himself.

"I suppose there is an irony in that," Meta Knight chuckled.

"I don't care about irony, I care about losing my favorite item!"

"Well, perhaps this is a good lesson in always keeping some gold on your person, yes?" Marth brusquely stated.

"…Wait a second, didn't you get a shitload of gold for fighting in the coliseum? Why didn't we use that?!"

"It's my gold! Get your own!"

Toon Link pulled his hat down over his numb ears. "Man, if Captain Falcon were here, we'd be out of this desert much faster."

Pac-Man glanced around. "Speaking of Captain Falcon, when is he gonna catch up with-" The Blue Falcon whooshed onto the scene, stopping directly next to the group of eleven. "-us."

Captain Falcon ejected from the machine and saluted. "I have successfully rescued the cat! The travesty has been averted!"

"Ah, g-good. Now can you avert the travesty of us freezing to death in the desert?" Lucina asked.

"Sure thing! Everybody hop on in!" Hopping on in made things a little bit cramped, but they managed. "Where to?"

Meta Knight cleared his throat. "Up north as far as you can go. Way up into the land that will eventually become Regna Ferox. Robin, Lucina, where is that?"

"Why there?" Robin asked, holding his hands up against the Blue Falcon's heater. "Also, what is this thing we're in? Is it related to that 'rocket' from Olimar's world?"

"In reverse order: Not really, it's called a car, and because it's even colder up there."

"Cars are strange. How do they float?" Lucina asked.

"G-diffuser! It's an awesome device!" Captain Falcon answered, driving at breakneck speed.

"I wish Falco were here, he loves talking about G-diffusers," Toon Link sighed.

"Why are we going somewhere even colder?!" Robin yelped.

"I know why!" Toon Link declared in a singsong voice.

"You are not helping."

"I guess I can tell you now. See, we're going to go back to your time period…  _the long way_ ," Meta Knight finally revealed.

"…I don't get it."

"Ah, cryogenic stasis." Olimar realized. "Fascinating. The efficacy of such a process is dubious at best. It will be quite exciting to test firsthand."

"Cryogenic… No! No, no, no! Stop this metal car thing! I am not doing this!"

"What is he talking about, Robin?" Lucina asked.

"He's going to freeze us in ice and hope we thaw out thousands of years later unharmed!"

"Oh. That's… not good."

"It's terrible! Stop this damned car!"

The F-Zero machine continued north in silence despite Robin's protests. Eventually, Toon Link's stifled giggling broke the silence.

"What is it?"

"You… you really gotta  _chill out_ , Robin!"

Robin twitched.


	19. The Kalosian Connection, AKA Shulk Still Can't Ukemi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author's Note:** I'll be dropping a mid-game Xenoblade Chronicles 1 spoiler concerning Metal Face in this chapter. Turn away if you care about that. I usually don't worry about spoiler content since I assume most people on this site don't care, but Xenoblade Chronicles is one of those games you really want to go into blind.
> 
> Originally published 3/12/18

" _Ah, finally. You must be Lady Cia. It is an honor to meet at last."_

" _Who are you, and… where am I?"_

" _My name is Dark Meta Knight, and this is… well, you died. But in some ways, you're still alive. It's a strange thing."_

" _Yeah, I figured I died. I remember going whole hog with dark power, making many lovely copies of myself for plans_ not _related to an orgy with Link at the center, and then... just fizzling out."_

" _Err, right. Ignoring that middle part, I have no idea where this is, but I assume it's some kind of purgatory your physical form manifested into following your disintegration. You wouldn't believe how many sub-dimensions I had to hop to finally find this one. Even one where you_ didn't  _die, and became… a good person."_

" _Ew. I should get around to destroying that world. As soon as I'm not dead."_

" _Yes, well, perhaps I can help with that. I can return you to the world of the living."_

" _I feel little potential for magic coming from you. How does something so puny as yourself defy the order of the multiverse?"_

" _My good lady-"_

" _Evil lady."_

" _Right. My evil lady, though you may believe the worlds you observed are the extent of the multiverse, there are countless other realms beyond even your scope, and countless ways to exploit their connections."_

" _That's really not a surprise. I'm not_ so _arrogant as to believe I saw all of creation."_

" _As for me, my blade is infused with the power of the Dimension Mirror. Not as powerful as using the mirror itself, but I can do… this!"_

" _That's an impressive hole, but where does it go?"_

" _The void between worlds. I… had actually come to find you such that I may make a request."_

" _Speak."_

" _I currently find myself without a master. My previous lord was… destroyed, and the life of a ronin has been unkind to me. Of all the conquerors, magicians, and tyrannical beings I've observed in my exile, you seem qualified above all others to put my services to good use. I ask that you appoint me your chosen knight."_

" _Well, shit. Usually I have to brainwash people into being my minions, or pay them exorbitant fees. I'm not going to turn down free labor. But a return to life and the loyalty of your blade are too generous a pair of gifts to be given stringlessly."_

" _Well, I just want to be on the winning team, is all. As I said, you have potential greater than all others, and I wish to see that potential flower into an empire spanning the entire known world-_ all _worlds. Oh, and 5% of the merchandising rights to your future empire, but that's just a trifle so I can make ends meet. Being a diabolical swordmaster doesn't pay the bills, you must understand..."_

" _Fair enough. Now, if you are to be my servant, kneel before me and pledge yourself."_

" _I physiologically cannot kneel, but I hereby declare an oath to serve you and your cause without hesitation, treachery, or remorse, until one or both of us is dead."_

" _Good. Now remove your mask."_

" _Err, that may not-"_

" _I command you."_

"… _Very well. There."_

" _HAHAHAHAHA! Oh, this is too hilarious! You're adorable!"_

" _Yes, yes. Let's talk about stuff that matters now. Like how you're going to conquer the multiverse. You can't just storm back into Hyrule and do the same thing you just did."_

" _I'm not an idiot. We'll go about it more carefully this time. Tell me, this void out there… how easy is it to create a whole new world out of nothing? I could use a lair far removed from any do-gooders looking to thwart me."_

" _For one of your dimensional prowess? A decidedly simple task."_

" _Now, what about all those other 'conquerors, magicians, and tyrannical beings' you said you observed?"_

" _What of them? They are pitiful obstacles to the power you will wield."_

" _Not obstacles,_ potential allies _. I want a list."_

"… _That is highly unlikely to end well, but it will be done."_

" _Good. They, like yourself, shall serve as my council. I'm a very busy witch and I can't be in all places at once. Or… can I?"_

" _Don't multiply yourself again. It's not good for your health. But seriously, you don't need other masterminds, you need physical enforcers who won't get uppity about serving others."_

" _I'm the boss, aren't I? I'll keep them in line, make sure they never betray me, and see to it they always report to me."_

* * *

-  _Unknown Realm, about a year later_ –

"For the Goddess's sakes… WHY WON'T THE TEMPLE BASE REPORT TO ME?! Has he stepped out of line or betrayed me?!" Cia slammed her fists down repeatedly on the large desk in her conference room.

Meta Knight sighed in response. "Lady Cia, I understand you're frustrated, but-"

"Don't 'but' me! That base was to be a foothold into Master Hand's most valued territory, and I specifically instructed him to update me every hour!"

"Why would Master Hand update you?"

"No, no, the council member I left in charge. Uh… Gerrymanderer Humperdinck, I believe his name was, right?"

"I could have sworn it was Gazpacho Harpsichord."

"Well, whatever it was, he's been silent for the past five hours, though honestly it's felt like nine months and nine days at this point. Never have I experienced such a frustrating delay, waiting and waiting for an update that just won't come!"

"Oh, that is some good metatext," Tom Nook chimed in.

"So I suppose we should officially write him off as either dead or a turncoat. Which is the same thing as far as I'm concerned."

"Do you mean that you kill all traitors, or that the failure of death is itself an unintentional act of betrayal?"

"Both!"

Dr. Eggman steepled his fingers at the table. "And so, our council of ten became nine with the loss of Ridley, and now eight with the loss of Gestalt Harpomarx… The Terrible Ten becomes the Nefarious Nine, becomes the Evil Eight…"

"First of all, since when were we  _ever_  the 'Terrible Ten', and second of all why aren't you in the lab working?"

"Oh, I've just been calling us that in my head. Second, Albert and I got into a fight, so I'm getting some space away from him. We did put the last tweaks on Metal Face and Galleom 2.0, however."

"Well, I like the alliterative team names, that's pretty cool, but we'll be back up to the Nefarious Nine once that Ridley clone is complete."

"Really? 'Cause I've got good names from ten members all the way down to just one, written down if we need them. Sinister Seven, Sordid Six, Fearsome Five-"

Cia incinerated Eggman's notepad with a dark magic flame. "We are NOT losing any more members of our council!"

Dark Meta Knight pushed his seat out and stood up. "Hmm. If you'll excuse me, I have matters to attend to." He quietly left the room while Cia resumed furiously trying to get in touch with the fallen Pokémon villain.

He didn't get far before the plodding sound of heavy footsteps reached his ears, and he saw the enormous Metal Face stomping down the hall toward the conference room. "Don't you dare bust through that doorframe."

"I wanna speak with her, runt."

"Anything you want to tell or ask her you can tell or ask me."

"Okay. 'Go fuck yourself, I wanna go kill some people, not sit inside all day'. That's what I was gonna say."

"Then it's a good thing you said it to me instead, because that would end very poorly."

"For  _her_. I'm way more powerful now thanks to the science guys tuning me up. Just… don't try and wash my frame with any dish soap, got it?"

"…Come and walk with me, Mumkhar."

The two of them walked down the hall, away from the conference room. Metal Face thought for a moment. "Hey, how do you know my name? Haven't gone by that since I got here."

"Who do you think put this all together? Lady Cia is powerful and exudes authority, perhaps, but she's impulsive and shortsighted. She needs someone to keep this all composed. On the rails. In fact,  _I'm_ the one who recommended you to Lady Cia."

"So why don't ya just overthrow her and take the reins yerself if you're so smart?"

"Because I don't  _want_  the reins. Lady Cia, she is born to rule, to have her face plastered everywhere. She has the power and the ambition to take the throne and hold it. So she's the best horse to bet on in this race, but she's inviting too much stiff competition here. You know, people with enough power to destabilize her leadership from within."

They turned a corner, passing a Primid that was hanging from a ceiling vent, furiously trying to dislodge its foot. It was a losing battle. "Like that?" Metal Face dryly commented.

Dark Meta Knight chuckled, and continued. "It's the other 'councilors' that concern me. Lady Cia, she thinks she's stronger with those major players under her thumb. She had me gather all these ambitious crimelords and she doesn't seem to realize that having so many egos in one room hurts her chances of success  _far_  more than the Smash Bros. ever could." He mused for a moment. "Perhaps it's for the best that Gorgonzola Humdinger is gone, it's one less potential usurper."

"You mean Ghetsis? He's dead?"

"Oh, I thought we were still playing the Benedict Cumberbatch game with his name. Yeah, he's probably not coming back."

"Good, I never liked that tosser. So, if yer so worried about usurpers, why'd you scope  _me_  out, huh? I'm much more powerful than him or any of those other blokes. Doesn't that make me a threat to your precious racehorse?"

"Quite the opposite. I sought you out because you're  _not_  a threat."

The silence coming from Metal Face's hulking frame spoke louder than any words he could have chosen.

"Let me rephrase that. You certainly crave  _power_ , but not  _authority_. You're content to serve in a subordinate role so long as your position grants you enough freedom to satiate your bloodlust, vengeance, and cruel fantasies. Is that not accurate?"

"I'd say you've got me right."

"In that way, you and I are cut from the same cloth. We have no designs on the throne, just the perks that come with being on the winning team. In your case, that's getting to stomp all over those you hate."

"And just what is it  _you_  want?"

"A little power, a little vengeance, some… stability in life, I suppose. But I'm afraid I can't go into more detail than that. I prefer to play my cards close to my vest."

"You ain't wearing a vest, dumbass. Now, when can I actually get out there and make some coleslaw?!"

"Not yet. Patience is required here, Mumkhar."

"Fine. But if I don't get out soon, I'm clawing  _you_  to pieces."

Dark Meta Knight chuckled and walked away. Behind Metal Face, the Primid fell to the ground sans a leg, and the ceiling grate fell down on its face shortly thereafter.

* * *

-  _Lumiose City_ –

"Ahh, so this is the big Parisian city of the Pokémon world, huh?" Bowser asked, taking a big sniff of the air. "The history… the culture… It all  _sucks_."

" _You_  suck, Bowser. This is where I studied abroad before my debut, uncultured swine," Pikachu protested.

"Heh. What kind of broad did you study?"

"Your mom."

"Oh, how clever. How creative a comeback. Protect your feelings, guys, if this is Pikachu's alma mater then everybody here must have the same cutting-edge wit he has."

Shulk shook his head. "You two sure do fight a lot. Could you take it down a notch?"

"Don't butt in, Shulky-boy."

"Yeah, screw off and let us have our fun."

"He's probably just cranky because he's British and this is pseudo-France. You know how much they hate each other."

"I don't hate it here at all! And seriously, what's a British? You fellows keep saying that."

"You call us 'fellows' but then ask what 'a British' is?"

"Umm, yes?"

"Forget it. Thanks for giving us a common enemy to snark at, at least."

"I guess that's the least I can do," Shulk sighed.

Mario interrupted the bickering. "As long-a as we're in the Pokémon world, we should-a probably find Charizard and Lucario. The Pokémon Trainer and-a his other two Pokémon aren't returning, right?"

Samus nodded. "So Master Hand said. It'd also just be a good idea for us to get out of this city anyway. The places we go keep getting attacked, and we don't want that happening in a major population center- Link! Peach! Stop sword-fighting with baguettes!" Samus squawked angrily.

"Aww, you're no fun, Miss Aran!" Peach pouted and returned the oblong bread to a huffy Lumiosian baker. Link rolled his eyes and did the same, but Kirby vacuumed the bread out of his hands and swallowed it before the baker could get ahold of it. "Hmm… it's passable. You put too much salt in your dough, though."

"You steal my products and then have the gall to insult moi?! Filthy tourists!"

The baker stormed away, and Yoshi cheerfully clapped Kirby on the back. "You have such a discerning palate, Kirby! I wish I had a refined sense of taste too!"

"Eh, then you wouldn't enjoy half the crap you eat anymore. Anyway, as long as we're here in Kalos, I gotta go to its Pokémon League."

"Why? You're not a trainer," Samus pointed out.

"Oh, no, nothing to do with Pokémon. I want to pester Chef Siebold. I can't limit my criticisim to just a lowly street vendor."

"…I guess if we're going to get away from the crowds, the League is as good a place as any. It's within walkable distance, right?"

"Technically any distance is walkable, given enough time, energy, and traversable terrain," Donkey Kong butted in.

"Don't be a smartass."

Pikachu joined back in. "The League actually would be a good place to go if we want to get to Sinnoh, too. Loathe as I am to admit it, the quote-unquote legendary Pokémon that congregate around there tend to be pretty good at international travel."

The Wii Fit Trainer stood up, finishing her isometric exercises. "Then I guess we have a plan! Hiking up the mountains to the League sounds like great cardio!"

"No way am I walking. I refuse to march up a mountain."

"You can ride on my back, Pikachu!" Yoshi offered.

"Eww, no. I have a better idea." He scurried up toward the Eiffel Tower knockoff at the center of the pavilion and snapped his fingers twice in succession.

Nothing happened.

"Well, that was pointless," Mr. Game & Watch commented.

"Shut it. Give him a few seconds. He  _is_  here in Kalos, last I recall…"

The gang stood around the tower awkwardly, waiting for whatever Pikachu was talking about. Before long, several citizens had gathered around them, to gawk at the strangely-dressed humans and never-before-seen Pokémon. Somebody pelted Bowser with a Pokéball, so Bowser set her on fire.

Eventually, a blazing comet streaked through the sky, descending straight down upon the Smash Bros. The citizenry scattered, amidst cries of "Mon dieu Arceus!" and "Le soleil s'effondre!", but its impact scorched nothing but a small circle of grass. The flames dissipated, and the mighty Charizard let out a roar that drove off whatever remaining Lumiosians had stuck around.

Finished with his entrance, Charizard plodded over to the others, and nodded solemnly before Pikachu. "Milord." He retrieved a pocket watch from behind his left wing and checked the time. "My reaction time was twenty-six seconds and five hundred and twelve milliseconds, departing from my sojourn in Geosenge Town. An inexcusable delay of three seconds. My sincerest apologies."

"You're excused, just don't do it again."

"Very good, milord. How may I be of service to you on this day?"

"Whoa, when did this happen?" Pit asked. "I thought you were with the Pokémon Trainer?"

"I don't wish to speak of those days, Sir Pit…" Charizard shuddered. "Master Pikachu helped me escape that dreary predicament. Thus, I serve him now."

"Abandoning your patron in favor of another? Tsk, what a sail-switcher."

Pikachu interrupted. "Anyway, Charizard, we need to get to the Pokémon League fast."

"Here in Kalos? Will that be all?"

"Eh, you might as well stick around with us, it's time for the Smash Bros. tournament."

"Ah, very good. And… you're certain that my former employer will  _not_  be attending this time, correct?"

"I have it on good faith."

"Very good then! Whom shall I begin with?"

"Begin with Shulk, the British blonde kid there."

Shulk took a step back. "Wait, begin with me  _how_?"

Charizard strode over and embraced the young man. "You may want to clench up, my good sir."

"What are you gonna- WAAAAAUUUUUUuuuuughhhh…!" Shulk and Charizard disappeared into the sky, the latter having used Seismic Toss.

* * *

-  _Kalos Pokémon League_  –

Pikachu, Rosalina, Fox, Wii Fit Trainer, and Shulk stood outside the bastion of Gothic architecture that served as the final destination of any Kalosian Pokémon Trainer's journey. Or, more accurately, Pikachu, Rosalina, and Fox stood; Wii Fit Trainer was jogging in place while mumbling about a wasted opportunity, and Shulk was upside-down and buried to his knees in the turf off the path. Everybody else had gone inside, but the four non-buried Smash Bros. were waiting outside for Charizard to make his final and heaviest transport.

It took a minute longer than the rest, but just as the sun finished setting Charizard came crashing down again for the final time, Bowser in tow. Right at the moment of impact, Bowser put his hands and feet forward, dissipating all his kinetic energy and bouncing up harmlessly onto his feet. "How many times do I have to tell you, Shulk?"

"Mrrm rrrmmm fffmmm mmmt."

Pikachu idlily fussed with the fur on his tail while admiring himself in the small reflecting pool. He did not bother to make eye-contact with Bowser. "You can't just solve all your problems with ukemi, you know."

"Is that a challenge? You can survive  _anything_  with it."

"What about a planetary explosion?"

"Bitch I'll ukemi off the heat death of the universe."

"Now, now, no fighting, children. Let us go join the others," Rosalina chided, turning and gracefully floating toward the entrance. Her Luma wagged its stubby hand and followed.

Fox nodded at Bowser and Charizard. "I'm going to check out the bio-weapon."

"Ah, I see Master McCloud's vocabulary is still quite limited."

"Entering Venom air defense zone!"

As Fox made his way inside, Bowser plucked Shulk from the ground, and threw him over his back with no regard for all the spikes. "You know, Charizard, it's good to have you back. Even if you cop my fire-breathing schtick."

"You are sounding an awful lot like Prince Marth, King Bowser."

As the last few Smash Bros. disappeared inside, a shadowy figure watched from above. It stood poised atop one of the building's many pointed turrets- and, in the space of an instant, it disappeared, leaving behind no trace but the feint sigh of the autumn night's brisk wind…

* * *

-  _Blazing Chamber_ –

The legendary Pokémon Ho-oh was a powerful creature. Few things in the world could intimidate it short of deistic might belonging to a higher echelon. It certainly wasn't afraid of humans.

But the…  _thing_  standing before it was not human. A bead of sweat dripped from Ho-oh's beak as it gazed down upon the Villager. When you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back into you, and there was no comparison more apt to describe the Villager's own eyes as he met Ho-oh's gaze. The rusty axe in his hand was actually  _less_  frightening than the pair of endless pits that Ho-oh was finding itself lost within. "What… what do you want, creepy child?", it asked meekly.

The Villager remained dead silent, and unblinking.

"Uh… you there, in green. What's up with the kid?"

Link was also silent, but at least gave a shrug.

"Oh, great, there's two of them… What about you, giant.. furry… simian thing?"

Donkey Kong clapped his hands together. "I am so glad you asked. You see, we require means of transportation such that we may absquatulate this faux-French sovereign state. Do not mind my comrades; they may be conticent klopemaniacs, but I assure you they hold no infelicitous intentions. There is no need to grow mitescent in their presence. Ah, but I digress. We seek-"

Ho-oh squawked in terror and dropped to the ground before them, covering its eyes with its wings. "Look, you and your creepy friends can just take what you want! I'll give you anything if you stop using so many weird words! Anything!"

* * *

-  _Ironworks Chamber_ –

"And so that's about what happened since we fought our way through the Temple," Samus explained over her transmitter.

"Sounds like a rough time," Snake answered.

"Eh, it wasn't all that bad. We got to utterly demolish a base, kill a green-haired weirdo, and fly through the air like birds."

"Of  _course_  you like that last part."

As Samus chatted with Snake, Yoshi tried to chat with the chamber's resident iron giant, Registeel. "So can you get us to Sinnoh, Mr. Robot Man?"

The golem beeped. "Error: Unrecognized command."

"Oh, um… adduser Yoshi!"

"adduser: Only root may add a user or group to the system."

"Hmm, this is a toughie… sudo adduser Yoshi."

"Adding user 'Yoshi'…"

As Registeel beeped away registering Yoshi into its ancient golem OS, Zelda busied herself playing with one of the other Steel-type Pokémon in the chamber: an ever-revolving Klinklang. She slowly reached her hand toward the middle of its rotating parts. Samus noticed this and firmly called out to the princess. "Zelda, don't stick your hand in there. It'll get crushed by the metal gears."

"METAL GEAR?!" Snake spat over his Codec.

"What? No, no, I don't mean that kind-"

"I'm heading over there right now, Samus, and blowing the shit outta that Metal Gear!"

"Ugh, that's not what I- Just don't, okay Dave? The only thing you'll blow is your cover."

"Hmm…"

"Your mission is to just sneak around behind Master Hand's back, right? Just… keep doing that. Tell me any interesting tidbits you find out that might help us, okay?"

"Can do…"

Samus hung up, only to see that Zelda had defied her order and was now sporting a left arm that looked like origami. "Ah don' feel a… damn thing! I'm invisible!"

Yoshi spoke up again. "Yay! I'm a registered user now! So now… ping -l 512 sinnoh."

Registeel processed the command. "Pinging sinnoh with 512 bytes of data:  
Reply from sinnoh: bytes=512 time=46ms TTL=52  
Reply from sinnoh: bytes=512 time=47ms TTL=52  
Reply from sinnoh: bytes=512 time=46ms TTL=52  
Reply from sinnoh: bytes=512 time=42ms TTL=52"

"Uh huh…" Yoshi sat down, thoroughly enthralled.

"Ping statistics for sinnoh:  
Packets: Sent = 4, Received = 4, Lost = 0 (0% loss),  
Approximate round trip times in milli-seconds:  
Minimum = 42ms, Maximum = 47ms, Average = 45ms"

"I did it, guys! I reached Sinnoh!" Yoshi beamed. "And in only 45 milliseconds!"

"Let's just fix Zelda's arm and go see if the others had better luck, okay?"

Registeel beeped one last time. "Querying user 'Yoshi': Would you like to listen to my new mixtape?"

* * *

-  _Flood Chamber_ –

Unlike the other Elite Four chambers, this one was actually occupied by its Trainer at the moment; Siebold faced away from the entrance, deep in thought. A solitary Smash Bros. entered the chamber carrying a silver tray whose contents were hidden under a cloche.

"Helloooooo, Siebold."

"Oh, bloody hell. Ohhh, no, not you again." Siebold turned around, glaring at the pink puffball.

"Yep, it's me. I figured since I was in the neighborhood, I'd give you a sample of my latest dish," Kirby smugly declared, presenting the tray to the chef.

Siebold lifted the cloche and scowled at the meal underneath. "Ohh, fuck me. What the hell is this supposed to be!?" He prodded at the thin spread of cold, uncooked meat, a look of disgust on his face as he lifted a slice up between his fingers. "It's fucking raw! You're not going to come into MY chamber and serve ME raw fucking food!"

"It's carpaccio, man! It's supposed to be raw!" Kirby explained, stifling a giggle.

A vein bulged on Siebold's forehead. "This is  _poultry_ , you goddamn Mudbray! Get out of here! Get the hell out of my chamber!" He slapped the tray out of Kirby's hands, sending noisy silver and raw chicken everywhere.

Kirby shrugged and left, grinning the whole time. Behind him, he heard various expletives followed by the forceful, angry impact of Siebold kicking the tray into the wall.

The door slammed shut behind him, and Siebold grumpily set upon gathering up the salmonella hazards scattered across his floor. As he slapped the dirty, raw meat back down onto the tray, a figure dropped down from above, smashing down onto Siebold's back and pinning him to the floor.

"OW! Get the hell off me!"

His assailant spoke. "Now, now, that pink ball guy went through a lot of trouble to make you dinner. The least you can do is actually eat it before you judge it." He picked up one of the slices and began forcing it closer and closer to Siebold's face. "Come on, don't make me use my secret move on you!"

"GET THAT SHITE AWAY FROM ME!" Siebold yelled in fury, straining to escape, and eventually passed out from overexertion. The figure on top of him waved his hand in front of the chef's face, trying to gauge if he was faking. "Hey, come on, I was just kidding. Wasn't gonna actually make you eat it. You alive? …Aw, jeez, I was just trying to have fun."

He stood up off of Siebold and sighed. "Well, guess I'll just go back to stalking these guys."

* * *

-  _Dragonmark Chamber_ –

Mario sat with Peach, the two of them enjoying a cup of tea. There wasn't much of anything else to do at the moment, as Mr. Game & Watch was currently monopolizing Rayquaza's attention. Peach set her cup down. "It's nice that Mister Mr. Game & Watch has found somebody who likes his lectures, isn't it Mario?"

"Hmm? Oh, uh, yes! But do we have to sit so close to-a their conversation?"

Mr. Game & Watch had been going for the past five minutes and showed no signs of slowing down. "Bah! It used to be I could go to the store with just seventy-five cents in my pocket and come home with a loaf of bread, milk, eggs, and a bag of potatoes! You can't do that nowadays! Too many security cameras."

"I know, right? I must say, for a mortal creature, you have such a fascinating insight into the days of yore." The ancient sky serpent responded.

Pit simply huffed, turning his head away from the two of them in overly-dramatic disapproval. "We're trying to get to Sinnoh, not celebrate evil deeds!"

"Shut up… Clarence Odbody! Anyway, Rayquaza, he has a point, we do need to get to this here 'Sinew' place."

"Oh, really? Well, that's no problem. I can have you there in a flash! How many of you are there?"

Pit began counting. "Uh… seventeen. Wait, no, eighteen, I forgot Mr. Game & Watch."

The 2D man fumed. "How do you forget me?! I'm standing right here!"

"Sorry! I'm bad with remembering things! …Wait, what am I apologizing to  _you_  for?"

"Hey! Respect your elders, whippersnapper! There's no excuse for forgetting that Mr. Game & Watch person! Uh, whoever that is. Where are we, again?"

Rayquaza stopped the 'fight' before it could escalate. "Uh, yeah, I'm a miracle worker but I'm not a  _miracle_  worker. I can't carry eighteen people, especially if that lardass Bowser is with you."

"Oof. Well, uh, maybe we can leave some of these people behind."

At that moment, the rest of the Smash Bros. barged into the room, Ho-oh following behind. Samus spoke. "Hey, this really cool bird is willing to give us a lift to Sinnoh, but it can't carry all eighteen of us-"

"Because it's a miracle worker, but it's not a  _miracle_  worker," Kirby interjected.

"-so we need Rayquaza's help."

Rayquaza blinked. "Oh. Well, how about that? Looks like you guys have got yourselves a ticket to ride."

Yoshi put his hands over his ears, a rare glimpse of sadness on his face. "Registeel made my ears hurt…"

Unbeknownst to any of them, the mysterious figure of mystery stood in the shadow of the chamber's door, listening in. He quietly mused to himself.  _"Oh ho! Going to Sinnoh, huh? I guess I'll just use my_ _ **ultimate stealth mode powers**_ _to come along for the ride…"_

* * *

_One of theirs has fallen; the man known as Ghetsis Harmonia has been slain by your Super Smash Bros. at the Temple stage in Hyrule. Along with Ridley's absence, this brings their total leaders down to eight._

_It has become difficult for Cia's entourage to keep tabs on your Smash Bros.; they cross dimensional barriers frequently and haphazardly, and the villains can only make educated guesses as to their whereabouts. The downside to this is that it blinds me as well; I cannot go into detail, but I only have access to the same information they have._

_In more fortuitous news, I have successfully located one of your scattered warriors for you: the blue-hued hedgehog. I will do all that is within my power to reunite him with the others._

_Expect more information in the future._

_\- Bigthroat_


	20. Rime Machine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author's Note:** It's been so long since I've written for Meta Knight's squad of dorks, so they'll be making up the bulk of the chapter today. Also, it's two months since my last update. Was hoping to have a more frequent schedule following my long hiatus, but it seems that was delusional. Oh well!
> 
> Originally published 5/12/18

-  _Northern Edge of Archanea_ –

The Blue Falcon blitzed across the snowy terrain far north of any civilization; even hovering a few feet above the snow, it left a melted trail of slush in its wake, and sent the soft material splattering in every direction. This was after Captain Falcon had, by the protests of the other eleven individuals riding in the cramped vehicle, slowed down to a paltry 700 miles per hour. Even with that stipulation, it didn't take long for their cross-country trip to come to a screeching halt in the valley of a mountain range. Captain Falcon slammed the brakes, and everybody who wasn't lucky enough to have a seatbelt (everybody but Captain Falcon) lurched forward, crashing into each other or the windshield. Captain Falcon flicked a switch, and the top flipped open, exposing everyone to the elements. "We're here! Yes!"

"It's frikkin' cold here!" Ness declared, immediately wrapping his arms around himself. "I don't think we even need that ice magic to freeze solid, just a good hour or two out here!"

"We'd just die of hypothermia that way. Gotta flash-freeze us," Meta Knight corrected him.

Jigglypuff hopped out of the vehicle, landing gingerly on the powdery white sheet. "You're just not man enough to handle the cold yet, Ness. Maybe if you come up here again in a few years you'll have matured enough."

Robin sighed and began to climb his way out too. "Honestly, I don't care who likes the cold and who doesn't. Let's just pick a god and pray that this farce doesn't kill every single one of-" Because Robin is not a balloon like Jigglypuff, as soon as he put his weight onto the wintery delight he sank down through to his chin. "Oh. C-c-cold…"

Meta Knight chided him. "Now, now, Robin, we can't freeze ourselves out in the open. We need to find a cave first to keep us safe. Dig yourself out and follow us." He gestured to Wario, who jumped into the snow and began eating his way forward, carving a path like a garlic-stenched snowplow in whatever direction Meta Knight directed. Pac-Man, Marth, Luigi, Lucina, Ness, Jigglypuff, and Olimar followed behind while Captain Falcon went about fiddling with the Blue Falcon.

Robin struggled to unbury himself. "W-wait! Could somebody help?" On cue, a long metal chain whizzed past his head, burying itself deep into the snow at a diagonal angle. Toon Link stood atop the parked Blue Falcon, holding his Hookshot. "Here ya go, Roberto!"

"Oh, uh, thanks." Robin grasped the chain to pull himself up out of the snow, but all he accomplished was pulling Toon Link off the vehicle and upside-down into the snow, buried up to his knees. Robin closed his eyes and exhaled. "I'm not sure what I expected."

Toon Link's grin-plastered head quickly surfaced next to Robin's, despite his legs still flailing a meter or two away. "You really need to lose weight!"

"I'm perfectly healthy! This snow is just-"

"FALCON… PARALLEL-PARK!" At that moment, the Blue Falcon's engines roared, instantly sublimating all the snow in a ten yard radius. Robin and Toon Link plopped to the permafrost below, and watched as Captain Falcon slowly and carefully wedged his vehicle sideways into a small alcove in the mountainside. He hopped out and gave the cliff a hard whack with his fist, raining down enough snow to completely hide the crevasse and its vehicular occupant. "Yes! That'll keep it nice and safe for two thousand years!" He gave the two stragglers a salute, and sprinted along the trail left by Wario.

* * *

Meta Knight dusted off his hands, admiring the crystalline cavern he and the others were standing in. "Yeah… yeah! This hole will do! Now we just need Ness's 'For Sale' sign."

Ness glared. "We  _sold_  that, remember?"

Meta Knight's eyes lit up like he was about to blow Ness's mind. "Oh, I wouldn't worry about… that!" He gestured at Captain Olimar, who was busy writing in his journal while his Pikmin wandered the cavern aimlessly. Meta Knight cleared his throat. Olimar kept writing. Meta Knight walked over and kicked Olimar hard in the ass. The space captain snapped to attention and turned around. "Oh! You need something from me?"

"The sign, remember?!"

"Ah, yes." Olimar whistled, and a small group of white Pikmin darted over, holding Ness's treasured item above their heads.

Meta Knight gestured at the sign dramatically. "TA-DA!"

Ness shrugged. "You stole it from her, I take it. Cool."

Meta Knight grumbled. "See, Olimar, you ruined the suspense by missing your cue…"

Lucina raised an eyebrow at the commotion. "How exactly did your Pikmin steal from  _Anna_ of all people?"

* * *

-  _A desert in Archanea, a few hours ago_ –

Anna dusted off her hands, admiring her profits as she closed up shop. "Yeah… yeah! This haul will do! Now I just need Ness's 'For Sale' sign. If this relic truly is what I think it is…" She opened up the big loot bag she had stashed it inside, but all that was inside was an uprooted cactus mimicking the shape of the sign, and a big hole burned into the burlap by a corrosive fluid. A set of tiny, organized footprints started outside the hole and marched outward into the desert in the same direction that her previous customers had departed.

A raging flame lit inside her, so intense that the cactus spontaneously combusted. She turned skyward and screamed "DAMN YOU, CAPTAIN OLIMAAAAAAAR!"

* * *

-  _The frozen cave, now_  –

"The hardest part was uprooting the cactus, but my Purple Pikmin-"

"Oh, here come the other two," Marth interrupted, pointing out Toon Link and Robin's arrival in the cave. Oddly enough, Toon Link was riding in Robin's upturned hood. "Yes. Done well you have, young Padawan," he uttered in a throaty-yet-energetic voice as he patted the side of Robin's head.

"Look, whatever voice that's supposed to be is lost on me, but will you  _get the hell out of my hood?_ "

"Patience you must have, my young Padawan!" He slowly climbed out and jumped down, sliding a few feet along the icy floor.

"Could you maybe try-"

"Do. Or do not. There is no try."

A flash of white mist emanated from both the book in Robin's hand and the air surrounding Toon Link. When it dissipated, the latter was frozen solid, a doofy grin preserved on his face for all eternity.

Meta Knight looked up from the 'For Sale' sign he was editing. "Robin, don't start freezing people yet. We're not ready."

"Just practicing."

Meta Knight held up the sign, the back of which now sported a new message written in black marker:  _Do not enter_ _this cave until a_ _g̷̸̡̀͠_ _giant_ _metal ship arrives from the sky._

"That better not be permanent marker!" Ness called over from the deeper end of the cave.

Lucina looked over the message. "Err… there's a strange mark in there."

"I know, I know. My first attempt to write the 'g' in 'giant' got misshapen because I had to write it on the sign's stem. I tried to smudge it out, but… it's permanent marker."

"You bitch!" Ness shouted.

Lucina read the sign over once more, ignoring the error. "Are you sure that will work? This region is full of ruthless barbarians in this time. Even if they can read it, they might just take it as an invitation to come in and ravage us."

Meta Knight put the sign back down and appended another message below:  _(Also no_ _barbari_ _ą̸̶͡ a_ _ns_ _allowed)_. "That should do it."

He quickly jogged outside the cave and planted the sign firmly into the snow, facing the proper direction. He jogged back inside just as quick and stood near the frozen Toon Link. "Okay, Robin. Listen to me carefully. Freeze me and everybody else in this cave solid like you did him, then freeze yourself. Got it?"

"This is a really stupid plan you know."

"Well, you're the tactician,  _you_  come up with a better idea for how to time travel two thousand years into the future."

"Hmm… Lucina?"

"Don't look at me, I only know how to go  _back_  in time."

Robin shrugged, and iced Meta Knight as instructed. "Okay, who wants to go next?"

"Me! Me me me!" Jigglypuff jumped up. "I participate in the Beartic Plunge Challenge every winter in Kanto! I can handle a little snowflake like this!"

Robin froze Jigglypuff, and then Wario who was busy picking his nose. "Captain Falcon, are you ready?"

"YES! Wait, no, I want to be in an awesome pose when I'm frozen! Gimme a sec…" He began trying out various heroic stances, while Robin turned to Luigi. "Uh… how about you, Luigi? Ready?"

"A-are you sure we won't get frostbite from this…?"

"…No."

"Frostbite?!" Marth blurted out. "Nobody said anything about frostbite! I'm leaving!" As he stormed toward the cave entrance, Robin did the only thing he could think to do and froze both him and Luigi on the spot. Lucina bowed her head to the chilled royal. "I apologize for my ally's irreverence, great Hero-King Marth."

"Again, he tried to kill you a few hours ago," Ness reminded. "Yo, Robin, ice me a good one."

Robin obliged. Pac-Man was next, and scratched his head. "Hmm… yeah, go ahead and freeze me too. I'm with Jigglypuff, this should be nothing to a guy like me. Ice doesn't chase you around the way a ghost does." Robin spent a second considering the comparison, then gave up and froze the arcade icon.

Olimar was still taking notes, and didn't respond to any inquiry from Robin, so he and his Pikmin were iced next without realizing it. Captain Falcon finally decided on his pose in that time; down on one knee, with his arms flexed upward. "YES! This pose is perfect! It truly encapsulates the spirit of the Falcon!"

Robin tried to freeze Captain Falcon, but the ice harmlessly melted off his body. "Whoops, sorry, let me try… slowing down my metabolism or something," the captain sheepishly apologized. The second time was the charm, and Captain Falcon stood proudly frozen in a pose that would certainly keep them safe from any illiterate barbarians. With that, only Robin and Lucina remained conscious and mobile. The former looked down at his tome, having second thoughts about the plan.

"Err… Before we set out on this adventure, Chrom made me promise no harm would befall you. I'm not sure this honors that promise…"

Lucina held her chin in thought. "Father made me promise the same thing of you, but I've failed  _that_  several times over, so…"

Robin mulled over the time he was struck by lightning, the two times he was eaten, the time he was blown up, the time he was punched through solid rock, the time he fell from a pagoda, the time he caught fire, the time he almost drowned, the time he was mauled by a giant crab, the time he almost suffocated… "Fair enough." Robin quickly expended one more use of his Fimbulvetr tome, then sighed and sat down. Now alone, he steeled himself for what was next. Was he  _really_ about to do this? …Yeah, he was. One more flash of magic lit up the cave, and then the cavern was completely dark and silent once more.

* * *

-  _Sinnoh Region_ –

Rayquaza quietly streaked down to the craggy cliffside of Route 214, just south of Veilstone City. It parked itself just over a smooth rock surface, and the Smash Bros. who had hitched a ride on the mythical beast- Mario, Shulk, Link, Villager, Mr. Game & Watch, Kirby, Zelda, Pit, and Wii Fit Trainer -all dismounted one by one. Rayquaza reared back, cracking some joints. "That was heavier than anticipated. You sure one of you hasn't been packing on the pounds lately or something?"

Wii Fit Trainer glanced over at Mario, who scowled back. "Hey, I'm-a perfectly healthy! You've seen how high I can-a jump!"

"Anyway, I should probably, uh, wait here. Might cause a bit of chaos if I go flying into the city, yannow? Go grab your pal, then I'll take you all up to the Spear Pillar with the others." Rayquaza curled up and pulled out a magazine to read, and a pair of glasses to read it with.

"Where do all you unclothed types  _keep_  these things?" Shulk asked. "I've seen Dr. Kong retrieve his glasses from… somewhere, and Pikachu pull similar stunts."

Rayquaza shrugged. "I dunno, man. How do  _you_  keep that sword affixed to your back without any strap?" Shulk pondered that, and then stared off into space, his mind blown.

Link jerked his thumb impatiently at the bustling city. Mr. Game & Watch spoke up in turn. "I agree with Link, let's fetch that darn Wario and get going already! We've been in this Pokeyman place for too long!"

"Lucario. Pokémon," Pit corrected.

"That's not what I said?"

"Nope."

"Well, let's just go and get  _Lucas_ , then."

"Still wrong."

"Bah, you 3D folk are all the same anyway."

"Whoa! Uncalled for, old man!"

Link grabbed both of them by the shoulder and rotated them ninety degrees to face Veilstone. That gave them the message, and they marched along with the others.

Once Rayquaza was alone, it breathed a sigh of relief. "Heavy blighters." A sudden chill ran up its body as it realized it was  _not_  actually alone. Panic crept into its tone. "Who's there?! Show yourself!"

A shadow on Rayquaza's back- cast by no tree or cloud above -released a puff of smoke as a lean figure appeared upon the spot. "Oho! You saw through my awesome disguise! Err, invisibility. Err… secret mystic art of disappearing!"

Rayquaza calmed down. "Oh, it's just you. Heh, did you like my mock fright?"

"It was indeed a mockery! Now, if you don't mind, I must wait here for them to return!"

"Why didn't you just reveal yourself when they dismounted? Or hell, before we even left Kalos?"

"'Cause it's more dramatic this way!"

* * *

It was a relatively short walk through the city; the sun hadn't risen yet so there weren't many citizens around to give them odd looks. The only obstacle they encountered was having to steer Zelda away from the casino and its alluring siren song of free cocktails with every fortune lost, so it didn't take long for them to reach the city's local Gym. Mario quickly rapped on the door with his gloved hand and waited patiently.

The glass doors slid open, the city's Gym Leader on the other side. She let out a yawn and rubbed her eye. "Gym's not open for another…" She glanced over at what the Smash Bros. presumed was a clock not visible from outside. "…two hours. Come back then, okay?"

Kirby held up his palm(?) to get her attention. "We're not here to challenge the Gym, we're- wait, do you  _live_  here, Maylene?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Don't you have a  _house_  or something?"

"Dad bet it on a pair of fives… Other guy had a flush."

"Good, that's what gamblers deserve," Pit smugly declared, crossing his arms.

Maylene looked at Pit, and calmly asked him to fuck off and die painfully. She then turned and walked back inside, but Mario got his foot in the door before it could close. "Don't-a listen to him, he's a total dick! We're here to bring-a Lucario to the Smash Bros. tournament!"

"Ohh, that. Again?"

Link nodded.

"Yeah, okay, I'll go get his Pokéball…" She returned inside for real this time, the door closing.

Kirby broke the silence by kicking Pit hard in the shin. "Ow!"

"Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you, man?"

"But gambling is eeeeevil! So it's only fitting that it's its own punishment! Err, right?"

"But if somebody  _lost_  a house on a hand of poker, doesn't that mean somebody else  _won_  a house on a hand of poker?"

Pit thought about it for a moment, and soon found that his mind, too, was blown. He joined Shulk in staring off into space.

A minute later, the door opened again, and Maylene handed Mario a Pokéball. "Have fun. Keep him safe, okay?"

"I will-a cherish him like he's my own-a son."

Maylene scratched her head. "Parents are supposed to cherish their children? I thought they just leave you to fend for yourself while they put your college fund into slot machines…"

Kirby blinked. "Well, this got  _real_  dark  _real_ fast. See ya, would NOT wanna be ya," he conceded as the group walked away.

Maylene stood at the doorway a minute longer, still half-asleep, before realization struck her. "Wait, how am I supposed to be a Gym Leader without my Pokémon?" But, alas, it was too late, for the Smash Bros. were long gone, Lucario now amongst their number.

* * *

As Mario's group arrived back at Rayquaza, they found… somebody waiting for them. No, some _thing_. It was a tall, slender, blue and beige being with a long pink scarf trailing in the wind. Its hands and feet were webbed like a frog's, and it stood ominously still- okay, you get it, it's Greninja.

"Ah, so here are the mighty  _Subpar_   _Smash Bros._  I've heard so much about!"

"Again with-a that name…?" Mario quietly muttered.

"Who are you, and why should we care?" Mr. Game & Watch impolitely asked.

"I am glad you asked! Allow me to introduce myself! I am the dark name whispered on the winds of fate! I am the shadow that stalks you even in the-"

"He's a Greninja. Water/Dark Pokémon, likes to throw shuriken made of water and stuff," Rayquaza interrupted without looking up from its magazine.

"Aww, you ruined it!"

Mario sighed and suddenly found himself more fascinated by the dirt around his shoes than the Pokémon dramatically posing before him. "Okay, we know who you are now. So please-a answer the second question."

"I am here for one purpose and one purpose only! To challenge you to a duel of legend, and claim my rightful place in the annals of the Super Smash Brothers of Multiversal Power!"

"I can't quite figure out your personality gimmick yet, could you try a little harder?" Kirby dryly commented.

"You're on, Frogger!" Zelda suddenly declared, snatching Lucario's Pokéball out of Mario's hand and tossing it at Greninja. It bounced hard off the frog's brow and clattered to the floor. "Ow, what the heck was that for! We didn't start yet! A sneak attack from the Princess of Wisdom!?"

The Pokéball opened, and Lucario emerged. "Oh? Have I been… released?"

"Yes. Fight this Greninja so we can move on," Kirby answered.

"Wait, wait, no, where are we? Where's Maylene? Am I to fight… alone?"

"Look, it's Smash time, so get on board the hype train and kick this guy's ass."

"Yeah, kick my ass. Or CAN you?!" Greninja's hands darted around in a variety of quick ninja poses.

"I have been… invited back? Perhaps, then, I should make the first move?" Lucario closed his eyes and rushed forward with blinding speed, striking his palm dead-center against Greninja's gut. "Ooo-hoooof! That would have really hurt…!" Greninja announced, seemingly winded.

"'Would have'?" Lucario asked, but the moment he opened his eyes he saw only a harmless log struck by his attack! The decoy toppled to the ground as the real Greninja leapt onto Lucario's back from behind, grabbing him with his prehensile scarf and flipping him overhead. Lucario was slammed hard into the ground, but he quickly recovered, grabbing Greninja's scarf- "This… is incredibly wet and gross?!"

"That's my tongue."

Lucario apparently didn't mind it too much, as he kept his grip on the slobbery appendage and swung its owner against the side of the rocky ledge. Greninja clung to the stone and jumped up into the air, where he suddenly reversed his momentum and dropped straight down at Lucario foot-first. Lucario blocked the hit with his forearms, and his hands began to glow with blue embers. He retaliated with a rising uppercut fueled by the newfound energy, knocking Greninja back up into the air.

Greninja quickly righted himself and tossed three shuriken down with blinding speed. "Water Shuriken of Rapidness!" One missed and stabbed into the ground before falling apart into harmless water, but the other two struck their target on the shin and shoulder. Lucario grunted in pain, and the blue embers around his hands grew stronger. Greninja landed on the ground about ten feet from his foe. "Get it? Rapid, like raging rapids, because they're made of water?"

"Is that how you named it?"

Greninja turned to the spectators. "Uh, quick confirmation, does this guy  _only_  speak in questions? 'Cause you made fun of  _my_  personality gimmick, but…"

"You hit-a the nail right on the head, yeah! Well… at least until he gets a battle frenzy going. Then he kinda forgets about it."

"Well then, we shall see what shall break first! His body… or his character! SHADOW SNEAK!" Greninja disappeared and reappeared behind Lucario, kicking him hard in the back of the head. Lucario stumbled forward, rolled, and righted himself to face his foe.

"That is my sneakiest move! How can you hope to defend yourself against it?!"

"Would you… hurt me more?"

"Oho, I certainly will, sir! Check this! Banishing Twin Blades of the Ocean!" He struck a bunch more nonsensical ninja hand poses and formed a pair of katanas out of water, rushing forward. Lucario parried the sharpened liquid as best he could- it bounced off his hide, but not without damage. Greninja kept the offensive pressure up, cutting and cutting against Lucario and forcing him backwards against a tree. He stopped short, holding both katanas outward. "Finishing cross-slash!" The two swords converged toward Lucario, but the veteran Pokémon jumped upward at the last second, grabbing a branch- the two blades embedded themselves in the tree bark and dissipated, and before Greninja could register what happened Lucario swung down and kicked him in the jaw with both feet. Greninja skidded across the dirt as Lucario swayed his hands and took a deep breath. "Did you… take your attention off your opponent? Did you focus too much on your own attack?"

Greninja blasted himself up out of the dirt with a jet of water, landing on his feet and one hand. "Would you  _stop_  phrasing things as questions?"

"But… aren't you asking questions?"

"Yes, but-! Ugh, whatever! Get ready for more secret ninja techniques!" He splayed his arms behind himself and ran forward, his body practically parallel to the ground. Lucario closed his eyes and stood steady, and just as Greninja was about to body-check him he countered, disappearing and reappearing with a powerful kick. Greninja, surprisingly,  _countered_  the counter with the same level of agility and struck hard with his own kick, striking Lucario hard in the ribs.

Lucario howled in pain and skidded backwards, the aura around him spreading up his arms with a brilliant indigo hue. "Would you keep doing it? Hitting me? …I like it."

Greninja paused for a moment. "Wait, what?"

"Keep hitting me, I love it."

Greninja relaxed his combat stance. "Okay, nope, we're done. I am  _not_  dueling a masochist. That's weird. You're weird."

Kirby heckled him in response. "This coming from the tongue-chuuni."

"You're saying it's  _not_  weird?!"

"Oh, no, it totally is, it's just hypocritical coming from you, yannow?"

"Hit me harder, damnit! It only makes me  _stronger_!" Lucario declared with an intensity matched by his aura.

"At least I got him to break character."

"But is it  _really_  breaking character if it's an established part of his character?" Kirby pondered.

"I… guess not. Darn. Well, I guess I gotta finish this duel, even though it's gross…"

"You are too late! I am too powerful to stop now! Feel my pain, tenfold!" Lucario began to charge up an Aura Sphere of considerable size.

"I guess we're ending this with a dramatic clash of our unstoppable super moves!" Greninja quickly began gathering up water for his own projectile attack, a massive shuriken. "Ultimate Finish-Them-Quickly-So-They-Stop-Being-Weird Water Shuriken, Max Power!"

The two fired their attacks, which collided with a massive eruption of water and aura. The spectators shielded their eyes from the discharged glow, and when it faded, they saw that the battle was over. Lucario stood tall, panting and exhausted, while Greninja laid on the ground, out cold; the Aura Sphere had overpowered and pushed through the Water Shuriken with just enough spare power to keep going and meet its mark.

Lucario caught his breath, and the aura died down. "I… am the winner?"

Zelda rushed over and held Lucario's arm up like a referee. "Yesh! Champion of the Sinew League, Lucario and Zelda!"

"But… you're not my trainer?"

Mario took Lucario's Pokéball back from Zelda and pocketed it. "No reason to-a return you to your ball, now, is there?"

"I… suppose not? Shall we go now… to wherever we're headed?"

Rayquaza folded the magazine up and cleared its throat. "Right, right, that's done with. Gotta take you guys up to Spear Pillar to meet with the others and get sent elsewhere, yes?"

"That would be the plan, yes! Though I don't know why we need to rely on primordial deities for interdimensional travel when I can do it for you guys…" Wii Fit Trainer trailed off.

"Because that method makes things taste purple, we already established that," Kirby retorted. "Anyway, we might as well take the frog guy with us, no sense leaving him stranded here in Sinnoh."

"Right. Welcome to-a Smash Bros., unconscious ninja frog." Mario knighted Greninja's limp body after roughly tossing it onto Rayquaza's back. The others climbed on, and Rayquaza ascended to the top of Mount Coronet, the mountain range dividing Sinnoh in twain.

But now it's time to check back with what's going on in Marth's homeworld.

* * *

-  _Northern Archanea, 2000 years after a bunch of dumb assholes were frozen_  –

Lucina groaned and wrapped her arms around herself, shivering and wet. "Did it not work, Robin?"

"What are you doing all the way out here, Lucina?"

Lucina snapped to attention. "Father?!"

Chrom stood before her, holding a torch in his hand. Quickly glancing around the cave, she saw a couple of mages from her father's time, Miriel and Ricken, defrosting the other Smash Bros. with fire magic.

"How did you get all the way out here?" Chrom asked.

"Father, I… how are  _you_  here in the past?"

"Past? What are you talking about?"

"Wait… it worked then?!"

"What worked?"

"Nevermind that! H-how did you know to find us here?!"

"I'm… just following that ancient prophecy. Remember it? I'm sure I must have taught you about it during your childhood…  
 _'When the ship of steel sails down from the sky,_  
to the northernmost cave of ice you must fly.  
So sayeth the Sign of Sale,  
idol of all Annas upon this shale.  
(Also no barbarians allowed)'  
Or… something like that."

"Oh, I… guess we created that old prophecy getting here… I suppose embellishments happen over two thousand years."

"Two thousand years, huh? That would be the Hero-King Marth's time."

"I know. About that…"

Ricken waved Chrom down. "Captain Chrom, sir! Look at this!" Chrom looked over and dropped his torch to the floor in shock. "Is… is that…?"

Marth finished defrosting, and groaned as the water dripped off his once-immaculate hair. "I can't believe that sorcerous little imp just did that…"

"The Hero-King Marth?! Oh my gods, I can't believe it! I'm so honoredtomeetyouI'myourdistantdescendantChromamIbotheringyoucanyouunderstandmeoramItalkingtoofast?!"

"Oh, gods no! Not another clone of me!" Marth drew his sword.

"No, no, King Marth! That's my father Chrom! Err, your slightly-less distant descendant!"

Marth glared at Chrom, who was too excited to acknowledge the implicit threat on his life, before sheathing his weapon. "As long as he's practiced in his own style and doesn't usurp me at Smash Bros."

"Smash Bros.? You mean… that thing Lucina and Robin were invited to that I wasn't?"

"Oh, that's a relief. And yes."

As Chrom giddily chatted away with his ancestor, Lucina picked up the torch (literally, not metaphorically) and began to help defrosting the others. Captain Falcon, Jigglypuff, Pac-Man, and Ness were already defrosted, though the latter had darted outside to retrieve his precious, if indelibly defiled, signboard. Ricken had moved on to defrosting Luigi, and Miriel was defrosting Olimar. Robin had apparently only been partially-defrosted, leaving his head free and shivering while the rest of him remained immobile in a lump of ice. Lucina sat down and carefully positioned the torch to help thaw him out faster. "I… guess it worked, against all odds. We're back in the present."

"I-i-isn't that f-f-f-for-f-fortun-f-f-f… nice."

"Nice as ice!" Toon Link declared, jumping onto Robin's ice lump out of nowhere. "I got bored waiting to be melted out so I did it myself."

"That's great." Lucina didn't even bother to question it at this point.

Meanwhile, Olimar and his Pikmin were freed from their crystalline prison. "Ah, the cryopreservation process must have been initiated while I wasn't looking. And yet, a success. Fascinating!"

Miriel, his savior, adjusted her glasses. "Cryopreservation? That is indeed fascinating! Do tell!" She pulled a journal out and began dictating her notes as she wrote. "A strange creature in a suit of unknown make has just been discovered in a frozen cave in north Ferox. It speaks of cryopreservation, a theoretical method of preserving organic matter though extreme low temperatures…"

Olimar was doing the same with his own journal. "The strange 'human' woman who has aided me displays an uncanny talent for documentation and an interest in scientific theory. This is a rare opportunity to exchange notes with another species, an opportunity I intend to take advantage of…" He trailed off as Miriel continued her own spiel.

"Captain Chrom? Uh, should I thaw this one out, too?" Ricken glanced at the Wario sculpture, put off by its nose-picking and general unpleasantness. Chrom was too busy gabbing it up with Marth, so Ricken shrugged and started melting Wario's prison. "What's the worst that could happen?"

Back with Lucina, Toon Link, and Robin, the latter was almost fully defrosted at this point. Toon Link absentmindedly played with Robin's hair, styling it into a shape much like his own. Robin didn't really pay him much heed, distracted in thought. "There's still one thing bugging me about all this.  _How_  did Meta Knight pull this all off? How did he  _know_  this would work?"

Lucina thought on it for a while. "I'm… not sure, myself. Perhaps he is precognizant?"

"Nah, he told himself," Toon Link interjected.

"That doesn't make sense."

"It  _will_  next chapter!"

"That makes even  _less_  sense!"

"How about  _this_  sentence then? 'Gambling addiction and parental neglect are both serious subjects and it's tactless to use them as punchlines in a comedic story'."

"That made  _sense_ , it was just contextless."

"But was it really?" Toon Link smirked.

At this point, the last Smashcicle was unfrozen, and Meta Knight stretched his cape-wings out. "Well, that worked."

His rescuer, Miriel, immediately retrieved her journal again. "Fascinating. I have no idea what species this animal is, but whatever it is this particular specimen appears to be out of shape."

"Goddamnit."

"And monotheistic. How quaint."

Chrom finally stopped talking to Marth (who sighed in relief), surprised by the sound of Meta Knight's voice. "Wait a second… weren't you just at Ylisstol?" he queried.

"Ah, uh, Exalt Chrom. A pleasure to meet you again. I could explain why I'm here, but it would be easier if we just returned to Ylisstol now. Thankfully, we have a faster means of transportation than whatever you used to get here."

"Feet!"

"Yikes. Captain Falcon, go warm up the Blue Falcon!"

"Yes!"

As Captain Falcon ran outside, Robin stood up, shaking off whatever water droplets still clung to his body. "I guess the ice magic served its purpose, Meta Knight?"

"Yes. But we'll need it again before long, for mysterious reasons."

"Please don't be cryptic right now, we  _played_  your little game."

"Actually, I really  _don't_  know what we'll need it for this time, just that we will. It'll make sense later I'm sure."

"Next chapter." Toon Link grinned.

Lucina got back up onto her feet as well. "Well, Meta Knight's plan has worked so far, so I vote that we see it through to the end."

Robin thought it over. "That's… fair enough, I suppose. I just hope he actually has a plan for where we're going."

Meta Knight cupped him on the back reassuringly. "You're a good man for putting up with my incessant need to cultivate mystery as a smokescreen for my insecurities regarding my declined physical fitness. My ship is docked at Ylisstol. Once we get back there, I'll explain everything in full detail, I promise."

"Hey, has anyone seen Ricken?" Chrom asked, looking around the cave confused. He crouched down. "He's pretty short, so you might need to get down on all fours to see him…"

Wario marched in from back of the cave and declared his presence with a burp. A tiny scrap of blue cloth was caught in his teeth and flittered in the released wind.

Chrom gave up searching and got back up on his feet. "I'm sure he just went back without us or something, the little scoundrel. So, just how are we getting back home, Meta Knight?"

"By taking Captain Falcon's-"

"NOOOO!"

"-…car."

"That was him yelling from outside just now, wasn't it?"

"Yes." Meta Knight quickly ran outside to see what the commotion was. Captain Falcon stood despondent in front of his beloved Blue Falcon, which was… perfectly intact. However, a crudely-scribbled message was written onto its door in a hauntingly familiar black ink:  _Barbarians wuz hear._

Meta Knight hastily checked his belongings. "Ah, crap, I  _knew_  I dropped my marker outside when I planted the sign!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Other candidate titles for this chapter included "Frosted Dips" and "Meta Knight is Finally Cool Again".


	21. 1001 Dreamlandian Knights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: This chapter was released not too long after Super Smash Bros. Ultimate was revealed at E3. The reveals of Ridley and all returning veterans actually changes some of the plans I had for the cut characters in the story, but only a little; all of 'em were gonna show up eventually, but I was planning on killing some of them off in sociopathically-comical ways under the assumption they'd never return anyway.
> 
> This story is going to stay focused on Smash 4 mostly, though I might rework the ending a little to lead it into Ultimate. Of course, that creates a bit of a plothole of the fourth Smash Bros. tournament never actually occurring… I'll find a way. For now, enjoy the chapter and don't think too hard about Ultimate.
> 
> Originally published 6/22/18

-  _Ylisstol_ –

The Blue Falcon screeched to a halt back down in temperate lands; the one-person vehicle was even more crowded now that it held fourteen people (Twelve Smash Bros. and two local Shepherds), but it somehow managed. As soon as Captain Falcon popped open the top its contents exploded out like one of those prank jars filled with toy snakes, leaving everyone in a heap outside the vehicle.

The palace at Ylisstol hadn't changed since Robin and Lucina's departure, but the massive airship parked outside was new. The massive Meta Knight mask covering the bow of the ship immediately clued them into the identity of the owner, and the toppled trees surrounding the area clued them into how skillful a parking job he performed.

"Welcome… to the Battleship Halberd!" said owner announced.

"It's… really big. How does it even float on the sea?" Robin asked.

"Pfft, please. Where it goes, it doesn't  _need_  seas."

"I-"

"It's an airship, Robin. It flies," Ness quickly cut him off.

"…You know what? Cool. I'm not going to question the superscience here, just accept that I live in a miserably-stagnant world of ye olde magic and loincloths."

"You're the worst descendants ever." Marth muttered.

"Okay, I've got an important thing to do here, now," Meta Knight declared. "Chrom, Lucina, Robin, and… uh… Toon Link need to come with me into the palace, everybody else can go get cozy in the Halberd. Speaking of which, there's a familiar face waiting in there for you guys."

"Ooh, I bet it's King Dedede or Kirby!" Ness speculated. "Been a while since I've seen either of 'em."

"Uh, no, don't get your hopes up too high," Meta Knight tempered their expectations. "Chrom, could you please enter before us and go get the… other visitor down to meet us?"

"Other visitor…? Oh, I know who you mean. Gods, you Smash Bros. sure are crazy, with all this time travel nonsense! No offense, Lucina."

As Meta Knight, the Fire Emblem crew, and Toon Link marched into the palace, the rest of the assorted Smash Bros. made their way over to the Halberd- sans Olimar, who was still engaged in a scientific debate with Miriel over the central nervous systems or lack thereof of the Pikmin.

Ness rapped hard against one of the Halberd's entry hatches, a metallic knock resonating throughout the vessel. "Maybe it's Samus. Or Zelda. They're pretty cute." He smiled and shifted around nervously. "Lucina's the only girl I've seen in four days and she's flat as an ironing board."

"A  _real_ man appreciates and respects a woman no matter her looks! You're just a  _boy._ " Jigglypuff declared.

"Wait, no, four days and  _two thousand years_ , holy shit. Also, shove off. Is it too much to just want to see a hot chick? There better be one behind this door right now."

The hatch opened, and they were greeted by none other than Dr. Mario, rubbing his eyes and wearing nothing but a  _very_  open lab coat and a large stethoscope that mercifully dangled over his nethers. He yawned. "Good morning. How can I help all you?"

Ness crossed his arms and smiled. "Well, on the bright side, I'll be too dead to be traumatized by this later. At least, I hope I'll be dead. Can we fly this thing into that mountain over there?"

Dr. Mario perked up at this. "Oh, is it time to leave already? Yeah, yeah, come on in. I was just keeping busy practicing medicine on the locals."

At that moment, another of Chrom's Shepherds hobbled by. It was the axe fighter Vaike, whose head was surgically replaced with his left foot and whose left foot was surgically replaced with his head. Despite his upside-down view and awkward gait, he didn't seem particularly perturbed. "The Vaike used to be a legend, but now he's a leg-end! Har har!"

The Smash Bros. turned to look at Dr. Mario, who simply shrugged. "Like I said,  _practicing_."

* * *

Meta Knight, Toon Link, Lucina, and Robin entered the throne room of the palace. Chrom was, surprisingly, sitting upon the throne, already dressed up in his regalia even though he only got in a minute or two before the others. "Ah, welcome home, Princess Lucina, Royal Tactician Robin. And greetings to the masked swordsman, Meta Knight, and… this boy with very large eyes."

"Father, you don't have to do all this, you were just walking with us a few minutes ago."

"Nonsense, I'm the Exalt, and I should act like it. I'm too busy with my kingly duties for this Smash Bros. tournament, which is why only the two of you received invites."

"Oh, gods, he's starting with this again…" Robin muttered.

"Father, let it go."

"Of course, if that Master Hand fellow changes his mind, I'm sure I could find a way to squeeze it into my schedule."

"Father."

"I could always-"

"Father!"

"Okay, fine, sheesh." He turned away from the four before him, and shouted to the side. "Sir Meta Knight! You have visitors here to see you!"

Robin and Lucina glanced back and forth between Meta Knight and Chrom, confused, but the former held up his hand. "Wait for it."

A second Meta Knight stepped out from a nearby chamber. "Visitors? Who could possibly-" He froze upon seeing his other self. "Uh…"

"Hello, past me. You have a long quest ahead of you." And with that, the older Meta Knight launched into a lengthy explanation for his younger self. "Once you enter that portal, you'll need to find these two-" He gestured at Robin and Lucina "-on an island to the north. Make sure to bring extra garlic, you'll need it for you-know-who. You'll get Olimar and Toon Link-"

"That's me!"

"I know that," the younger Meta Knight announced.

"He knows that. -Not too long afterward, and then your team of six will-"

"Hold on, hold on, what is going on here? Why is there a second me?"

"Don't worry, I was really confused when I was you."

Robin ran his hands through his hair. "I'm really confused now too. Can you please elucidate us, Meta Knight?"

"Hey, I'm just as confused as you are."

"I meant  _my_  Meta Knight!"

Robin's Meta Knight spoke. "Okay, first of all, nomenclature… hmm… let's call me 'Meta Knight 2' and that one 'Meta Knight 1'. So here's what happened. Back when  _I_  was Meta Knight 1, I arrived here in my Halberd through a gigantic rift in timespace, thrown off by its appearance in conjunction with the upcoming Super Smash Bros. tournament. When I got here, the locals freaked out- not so much because of my unconventional anatomy or gigantic airship, but because apparently I fulfilled an ancient prophecy."

"That's why we went up north and found you all frozen in the cave!" Chrom announced.

"Indeed. I stayed here, and then this  _exact_  meeting happened, but I was Meta Knight 1 instead of Meta Knight 2. I was confused as hell, and the Meta Knight 2 of my time was being a cryptic asshole with a bunch of esoteric hints- which, as the new Meta Knight 2, I am obligated to parrot to Meta Knight 1 at risk of creating a time paradox, sorry -but nevertheless, I traveled through the same rift you took to get to Toon Link's world, found you, and the rest is history. Pretty simple, no?"

At that exact moment, a small rift opened up inside the palace itself, and spat out two  _more_  Meta Knights before closing.

"Oh, gods, now what?!" Lucina gawked. Everybody else seemed surprised as well except for Meta Knight 2.

The new Meta Knight 3 cleared his throat. "Just ignore us for now."

"That's kinda hard to do…" Robin noted warily.

Meta Knight 4 took his turn. "Look, this one gets resolved a lot faster than the main one. Just keep talking, Meta Knight 2, we're going to just sit silently in the corner until we're needed."

Toon Link grinned, apparently having a good time. "Oh, man, this is really screwing with my head."

Meta Knight 2 cleared his throat. "Okay, right. So, Meta Knight 1, there's a portal not too far from here. It'll take you to Toon Link's world, but you'll find Robin and Lucina there. Bring garlic, yadda yadda, I already said this part. You'll soon wind up finding Olimar, and Toon Link in a very unexpected place."

"It's a really phat hiding place!" Toon Link chimed in.

"Indeed. Then, in this world's past, you shall double your squad. It won't be easy or as straightforward as just walking up to them and saying 'hi', though. Be ready for a fierce battle in a coliseum. Also make sure this one-" He gestured at Robin again "-gets ice magic at some point. Feel free to really ride him over it."

Robin rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah. Then you'll go north to Ferox, and my past self will freeze everyone solid in an icy cave."

"Hey, come on, don't interrupt Meta Knight's explanation, you'll create a time paradox," Chrom interjected.

"Oh, no, it's fine, he did this when  _I_  was Meta Knight 1, too. It would cause a paradox if he  _didn't_. Anyway, Meta Knight 1, once you're unfrozen, obviously you'll want to come back here to take your turn as Meta Knight 2. Oh, and don't forget to create a prophecy so that people will actually find you and thaw you out."

Meta Knight 1 was silent for a moment, then spoke. "Simple enough. When do I start?"

"Hold on, we've got another one of us coming in five seconds. Oh, and brace yourself."

Yet another portal opened, and a fifth Meta Knight spilled out. This one was looking battered, bruised, and tired. He staggered up onto his feet. "Oh, so  _that's_  how I get back here and become Meta Knight 5!" Before anybody could question his arrival, he ran over to Meta Knights 1 and 2, grabbed both of them by the wrist with just one hand, and ran back towards the portal he arrived in. Neither one protested, though Meta Knight 1 was definitely more confused than Meta Knight 2. Meta Knight 5 shouted in Robin's direction. "Robin! Book me!"

Without even thinking, Robin pulled out his ice tome and threw it to Meta Knight 5, who caught it with his free hand. He dove back into his portal, dragging the other two Meta Knights with him. The portal closed almost immediately afterward, and the throne room was silent.

Lucina broke the silence. "So, uh… now what?"

"I guess I'm not getting my book back, am I?"

Meta Knight 4 stepped back into the spot where Meta Knight 2 had been standing, and Meta Knight 3 took Meta Knight 1's place. The former spoke. "Okay, we're Meta Knights 2 and 1, Meta Knight 5 just sent us back to this room a little earlier than we left."

Meta Knight 3, or 1, scratched his head. "I have no idea what happened in there. There was a lot of spinning in a psychedelic void, and then we got ejected back here."

Meta Knight 4, or 2, corroborated the story. "That was my second time doing that, and I'm still just as clueless as you. Which means you'll be just as clueless when you're me. Ah, well, a mystery for when we're Meta Knight 5, yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Anyway, it's nice that it's back down to just two Meta Knights, but now we should probably go our separate ways. You've got some Smash Bros. to gather, and I've got to take them to the tournament. Mind if I jack your ride?"

Meta Knight 1 shrugged, and tossed Meta Knight 2 the keys to the Halberd. As he took his leave, Lucina and Robin glanced around in confusion.

"Okay, so… you're the Meta Knight we traveled with, right?" Lucina asked.

"Well, I mean, we're all the same guy. But yes. Now let's get going, I don't think I can trust Dr. Mario with the Halberd for more than a few hours."

Chrom waved them out. "Have fun, you guys! Are you sure you don't want me to tag along?"

"Chrom."

"Or maybe I could show up for your super move, Robin! …You all have super moves, right?"

"Chrom!"

"Ugh, fine! I don't want to be part of that stupid tournament anyway."

Toon Link got in the last word as they left. "Did you guys know that whine is made from sour grapes?"

* * *

-  _Spear Pillar_ –

Dialga and Palkia were powerful, reverent figures in Pokémon mythology; one governed the flow of time, and the other held dominion over the very fabric of space itself. Eons were like nanoseconds to Dialga, and a parsec was like an angstrom to Palkia.

And yet the group of gathered Smash Bros. standing before them held little respect for such deities. This is because the deities, for all their vast power, could not actually command the respect their stations should accord.

"THE CURRENT TIME IS 5:48 AM." Dialga bellowed, gazing down upon the Smash Bros.

"Whoa, gotta watch out for that Roar of Time technique, everyone," Pikachu cautioned the others.

"SO. YOU WANT US TO SEND YOU TO A DIFFERENT DIMENSION." Palkia's voice boomed, summarizing an unwritten meeting and exchange for the reader's benefit.

"You have the right of it, yes," Charizard concurred.

"IT IS OUR BROTHER-"

"SISTER?"

"… _SIBLING_ , GIRATINA, WHO HOLDS JURISDICTION OVER THE POWER OF INTERDIMENSIONAL TRAVEL. I AM PALKIA, ARBITER OF SPACE."

"I AM DIALGA, ARBITER OF TIME. IT IS 5:49 AM."

"Nobody cares," Bowser sneered.

Samus chose to steer the conversation back on track. "Well, can you put us in touch with this Giratina thing? They're the only one we haven't met yet."

"GIRATINA HAS NOT LEFT ITS DIMENSION IN FIVE WEEKS. NOT SINCE THE RUPTURING OF REALITY CAUSED BY ONE 'CIA'."

"Well, that sucks. Any way we can get into that cozy little world?"

"NO. HOWEVER, IT WILL LEAVE TO ASSIST YOU TOWARD THE END OF YOUR ADVENTURE," Dialga added. "SO SAYS THE IMMUTABLE FLOW OF TIME. ALSO, IT IS NOW 5:50 AM."

At that moment, Rayquaza slithered up to the peak, the ground-reconnaissance-and-Lucario-retrieval team on his back. "Morning, Palkia. Morning, Dialga."

"IT IS INDEED CURRENTLY MORNING."

The Smash Bros. disembarked from Rayquaza's back, dragging the unconscious Greninja across the stone path of the Spear Pillar. Rayquaza gave a lazy salute to them. "You guys good now? I want to get back home in time to watch my soaps."

"What soap opera broadcasts at the crack of dawn?" Kirby asked.

"Err… don't worry about it. Forget I said anything." With that, Rayquaza bolted away through the sky, returning home to make sure its collection of hand soaps, dish detergents, and shampoo didn't do anything while it was gone.

Shulk and Pit walked over to the mountain's edge to stare off into the horizon, their minds still blown from their worldviews being torn apart last chapter. Pit in particular was shaken by the realization that things weren't as black and white as he believed. A cold, empty feeling raced through his head and wouldn't go away.

_Hello, darkness, my old friend…  
I've come to talk with you again…_

More relevantly to the story, Mario dropped off Greninja before the other half of the Smash Bros. "We got-a  _two_  Pokémon to join us down there."

Pikachu examined the newcomer. "Neat, a Greninja. …He looks tough, let's nerf him into the ground so things are easier for us in the tournament."

"That doesn't even make sense. How would we do that?" Kirby questioned.

"Well, we could cut off an arm or a leg."

"You're a sociopath."

"Hey, I don't  _like_  bloodshed, it's just a  _side-effect_  of mutilating others for a competitive advantage."

"That doesn't rebut my statement, it just reinforces it."

"Let's talk about something happier, guys! Like this new guy's tongue! We have something in common!" Yoshi cheered.

"AHEM." Palkia cleared its throat.

"Hey, it'sh… Penish-Head! Hi, Penish-Head!" Zelda waved at the cephalophallic primordial being.

"I REMEMBER YOU. YOU BROKE A BEER BOTTLE OVER MY KNEECAP WHEN FIGHTING HERE."

"IT WAS NOT A BEER BOTTLE. IT WAS A WINE BOTTLE," Dialga corrected, using its vast temporal powers to look into the past. "BUT NEXT TIME IT WILL BE A BEER BOTTLE. IT IS 5:53 AM."

"REGARDLESS, THOUGH IT IS TRUE THAT GIRATINA IS RESPONSIBLE FOR INTERDIMENSIONAL TRAVEL, THE POWER HELD BY DIALGA AND MYSELF CAN, IF COMBINED, BE USED TO SEND YOU ALL TO ANOTHER WORLD."

"How does… that work?" Lucario asked.

"SCIENCE MAGIC."

"Is that… so?"

"YES. WHERE IS IT THAT WE SHALL SEND YOU?"

Samus pondered the question. "Well, we've still got a whole bunch more people to get. King Dedede, Falco, Meta Knight, Sonic, Luigi…"

Donkey Kong cleared his throat. "If I may posit my thoughts on this subject? I am currently the only primate in this entourage who is not a member of the  _homo sapiens_  species. The other of my ilk is currently absent, is he not?"

"Oh, no…" Pikachu interjected.

"Now, now, I know my nephew's behavior can be grating at times, but he is a Smash Bros. constituent, and I will not temerate that connection for the appeasement of others."

"Ugh, not him… Come on, can't we just go somewhere else first?"

"Well, we have to get him at some point regardless, so it may as well be now," Samus pointed out.

"But then we have to put up with him the whole rest of the journey!" Mr. Game & Watch complained.

"Can we not… just save him for last?" Lucario suggested.

Donkey Kong raised a finger. "Come now, the world is coming apart, and we need all hands on deck. When bad men combine, the good must associate; else they will fall, one by one, an unpitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle."

Pikachu also raised a finger, but not the same one as DK. "Yeah, but Diddy is not good men."

"Would you really rather put up with Ike, Dedede, Wario, or anybody like that?"

Pikachu conceded defeat. "…Fair enough. Fiiiine, let's get Diddy Dong."

"I don't know what you're all complaining about! Those are all wonderful people to be around!" Yoshi smiled.

"VERY WELL. WE SHALL SEND YOU TO THE JUNGLES OF DONKEY KONG'S HOME." Palkia and Dialga concentrated, and before long were able to manifest a rift not unlike the ones created by Cia. It swirled invitingly over the ground of the Spear Pillar. "INCIDENTALLY, WE SHALL SEE YOU AGAIN ONCE THE SMASH BROS. TOURNAMENT BEINGS. DIALGA AND I HAVE RECEIVED INVITATIONS TO PARTICIPATE AS POKÉBALL SUMMONS."

"THAT WILL NOT HOLD TRUE FOR ME. OUR SIBLING GIRATINA PREVIOUSLY NEGOTIATED TO HIJACK MY POSITION, AND MASTER HAND WILL SIGN OFF ON THAT REPLACEMENT IN THE FUTURE. ALSO, IT IS 5:56 AM."

"Bro, fuck off with the 'time and temperature from TD-ialga' bullshit," Bowser finally snapped.

Dialga's reaction was immediate. "YOU DARE TAKE SUCH A TONE WITH DIALGA, GOD OF TIME? I WHO WAS BORN BEFORE THE WORLD, I THE SCION OF ARCEUS, I WHO EMBODIES THE PAST, CONTROLS THE PRESENT, AND BEARS WITNESS TO THE FUTURE? WHAT MISERABLE MORTAL WHELP ARE YOU TO MAKE MOCKERY OF A GOD?"

"Sheesh, calm down."

"I HAVE SEEN YOUR FUTURE, WRITHING MORTAL. ALL OF YOUR FUTURE ACTIONS AND THOUGHTS ARE VISIBLE BEFORE ME, IMMUTABLE AND INEVITABLE. HOW DOES IT FEEL, MORTAL, TO KNOW THAT YOUR FUTURE IS PRE-ORDAINED? THAT YOUR 'FREE WILL' IS BUT A DELUSION OF A LESSER MIND?"

"Question."

"YES?"

"If you can see into the future, does that mean you can see your  _own_  future?"

"OF COURSE. SUCH OBSERVATION IS WELL WITHIN MY POWER."

"So if you can see your own future, doesn't that mean  _yours_ is all pre-destined and crap too?"

"WHAT? I NEVER… THOUGHT OF IT THAT WAY BEFORE. OH. Ohhh, no. My whole life is a sham. I have no free will." Dialga's mind was blown, and it stomped over to join Pit and Shulk in staring off into space. It slumped down next to them and allowed the dark thoughts race through its brain.

_HELLO, DARKNESS_ _, MY OLD FRIEND…  
I'VE COME TO TALK AT 6:00 AM…_

"LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE NOW," Palkia groaned. "JUST… JUST GO. GET OUT OF HERE."

Bowser literally picked up Shulk and Pit, taking them away from the newest member of their club, while Lucario threw Greninja over his shoulder. They all disappeared through the hole, which Palkia promptly closed. "COME BACK TO YOUR PODIUM, DIALGA. I HATE WHEN YOU DO THIS."

"What's the point? I'm sure if I looked into the future I'd see my future self eventually go back to normal, but what does that mean? Do I have any say in the matter? What's the point of it all? I am cursed to see my own future yet helpless to alter it."

"SIGH." Palkia was silent for a few minutes, then had a thought. "…HEY, DIALGA. I SEEM TO HAVE MISPLACED MY WATCH. YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO KNOW-"

Dialga immediately snapped back to normal. "IT IS CURRENTLY 6:04 AM."

* * *

-  _Jungle Hijinx_ –

"Okay… Diddy's obviously not here. Let's go somewhere else instead."

Mario sighed. "We literally just-a got here, Pikachu."

"Perhaps he is… over there?" Lucario gestured to a jungle ridge in the distance, on a whole different z-axis from the canopy and cliffs the fighters currently stood on. Diddy was indeed over there, waving and hollering to them excitedly, but was too far away to be heard.

Mr. Game & Watch leaned forward, getting a good look. "Dagnabbit, he's too far away. I guess we can't reach him. Don't say we didn't try."

Samus sighed. "Knock it off, you guys. Donkey Kong, how do we get over there?"

"Ah, well, these Barrel Cannons will launch us over into the background layer- err, that is to say, the distant cliffsides." He demonstrated by hopping into one, and true to his word he was launched over to the background layer.

Peach admired the barrels, and Donkey Kong's now-distant form. "This is a stage, right? Smash Bros. battles on multiple planes? Whatever shall they think of next?"

Greninja bolted awake and jumped out of Lucario's grasp. "…Oh-ho! And that is what happens when you face off against-" He took in his surroundings, confused. "…How did we get here? Oh, no! Don't tell me… The Great Greninja… lost?!"

"Yep," Kirby answered bluntly.

"Ah, well. Hmm. So be it! As a reward for your triumphant triumph over the vast powers I command, said powers are now yours to, uh, command. I am hereby at your disposal!"

"I  _wish_  we could dispose of you," Pikachu added.

"You may call upon me to do your bidding!"

"Okay. See that barrel over there?"

"Of course! It shall stand no match against my Water Shuriken!"

"No, no, jump inside it."

Greninja did as asked and was launched toward the back layer. However, his flight was intercepted by a massive Screaming Pillar rising in his path, which he splatted painfully against.

"HAH!" Pikachu's mirth was short-lived, however, as the pillar shrieked, tipped over, and landed on him, crushing him flat. Only his tail stuck out from beneath.

Greninja clambered around to stand atop the pillar, and hopped down onto regular ground. "A sneaky attack by the Howling Totem of a Thousand Pained Souls, but nothing a master of ninjutsu can't overcome!"

"Are you two… quite done?" Lucario asked.

"Yes, yes."

"Mmmrmmmphmmm," Pikachu concurred.

Charizard struggled to lift the pillar up off of Pikachu, but could only raise it a few inches. Thankfully, Villager helped out, grabbing Pikachu by the tail and sliding him out. He held his furry yellow prize up in celebration, leaving Pikachu dangling from his grasp. "Put me back on the ground or I put you  _in_  the ground."

Meanwhile, on the other plane, Donkey Kong had reached Diddy, as had several of their comrades. Diddy jumped over to greet them all. "Hey! Hey! It's you guys! I'm so excited to see you! Hey! Where are we going, huh? Is it time for Smash Bros.? It's time for Smash Bros., isn't it? Hey! Let's go!" He climbed all over his uncle Donkey, who simply sighed.

"It's good to see you too, nephew. Yes, you presume correctly in regard to Smash Bros."

He dropped down from Donkey Kong's arm, hanging by his tail. "Hey! Cool! Who are these guys? Who's the lady in the blue dress? What's the yellow thing?"

"I am Rosalina, seer of the cosmos! And this adorable child of mine is a Luma."

"Hey, how does a human give birth to a star? Sounds painful!"

"Oh, no, not literally my child. The Lumas are-"

"Boring! Who's the red vest guy?"

Rosalina frowned. Shulk didn't respond to Diddy's inquisition, still zoned out. That finally ended when Bowser socked him in the gut. "Oo-hoof! …I'm Shulk. Pleasure to meet you."

"Hey! Pleasure to meet you too! Can I try out that sword? I wanna use it! Lemme have a go!" Diddy began trying to wrest the Monado from Shulk's back, despite the latter's protests.

"N-no! The Monado isn't a toy, it's-"

Diddy stopped and pointed at the foreground. "Who's the frog guy over there? Is he a Pokémon? Hey, let's have a practice fight here! I bet I could take on a team of Peach and Mario! Hey, DK! Be my partner!"

Mr. Game & Watch leaned in toward Donkey Kong. "See, this is what we're all going to have to deal with now."

"Yes, I realize he's a handful, but he's my nephew and I love him unconditionally."

"He's giving  _me_  a condition."

* * *

-  _Aboard the Halberd_ -

Meta Knight inserted his key into the Halberd's ignition, and gave it a good, hard twist. The engines flared up, the wings extended, and Meta Knight serenely gripped the helm. "So, how do you guys like this? A lot less cramped than Olimar's rocket or Falcon's car, yeah?"

Lucina responded, looking out over the landscape as the ship began to lift up off the ground. "It's certainly a step up, that's for sure."

"I'll say. This thing is so big I could probably get lost in it…" Pac-Man noted, then slapped himself. "Err, not that I get lost in mazes! I'm the best at those."

Dr. Mario (thankfully clothed now) kicked back in one of the bridge's chairs. "Honestly, I'm just glad to be back. I certainly wasn't expecting that Smash Bros. logo in my mailbox! I almost threw it into the incinerator with all that 'litigation' junk mail I get."

Pac-Man noted the not-so-newcomer "I'm sorry, we haven't met yet, have we? My name is Pac-Man, but you've probably heard of me at some point. I'm a bit of an arcade icon…"

"I'm Dr. Mario! Pleased to meet you!"

"Wait, you're  _the_  Mario? …I thought he wore overalls."

"Ah, no, I'm  _a_ Mario. Dr. Mario, to be precise. You're thinking of my other self."

"Um, I can-a explain…" Luigi joined in. "This is an alternate universe version of-a my bro! He went into medicine instead of the family plumbing business like-a  _my_  Mario…"

"Yep! My parents never forgave me for that, called me a disappointment. But I'm doing what I love, and that's all that matters! No family, Smash Bros. exclusion, or irate medical board can take that away from me."

Meta Knight added his own commentary. "By the way, he'll be our on-site doctor at the mansion, so if you get injured, he'll treat you."

"Why does that make me feel uneasy…?" Lucina asked to no one in particular.

The Halberd was now fully off the ground, and began to accelerate through the air. As it approached the ocean, a massive-ass hole to another world came into view. "Okay, here's the itinerary. This portal will take us to Corneria, in the Star Fox world. We'll refill this baby's gas tank there, 'cause it's low, then we'll go through another portal leading back to  _my_  home world. That's how I got here. From there, we can figure out our next move. Still not sure why all these holes appeared everywhere to begin with, though."

"Probably just Master Hand screwing up! Remember when he accidentally sent Roy to the Realm of Infinite Pointy Needles after the Melee tournament, instead of back home?" Dr. Mario recalled.

Marth shuddered. "That was obviously a coded message to me about my potential fate."

"No, I'm pretty sure it was what we in the medical business call an 'oopsie', where it's an honest accident but you don't really care about the consequences."

Meta Knight chuckled. "I wasn't there for that, but it sounds hilarious! Either way, I'm sure there's no nefarious reason for all these holes, and they'll be fixed once everybody's back where they belong." The massive airship disappeared into the hole, finally transporting its crew out of the Fire Emblem world. Meta Knight gave the wheel a cheerful spin. "Yep, nothing nefarious whatsoever!"

* * *

-  _Unknown Realm_ –

A Primid sprinted into Cia's conference hall and saluted his mistress. "Lady Cia, I bring urgent news from Master Porky! Do you recall that massive-ass hole between the Fire Emblem and Star Fox universes? The one from your nefarious experiment with dimensional bridging?"

"They're  _all_  from my nefarious experiment. But what news could that waste of space  _possibly_  have for me? Did the hole start spewing forth endless pork rinds?"

"No, uh, something about… 'doing his'… uh… what's the word that has an 'o' in the middle of it…? 'Job'!"

"…If this is a waste of my time, I'm executing him on the spot."

"But Lady Cia, isn't Master Porky immortal?"

"Oh, right, I keep forgetting. Then I'll just execute you, messenger."

"That sounds like a good trade! Gosh, you're such a benevolent leader, Lady Cia!"

Cia took her time making the walk down the hall to the command center, enjoying the Primid's praise all the while. The command center was abuzz with assorted minions frantically manning computers; one Pigmask captain was still playing Solitaire instead of doing work, which Cia noted.

" _I'm not going to kill him, I'm going to do something far eviler than that._ "

Also occupying the room was a massive asshole, Porky Minch, sitting in an excessively-comfy chair and barking wheezy orders at a pair of Pigmasks operating the controls of a large monitor.

"Well, Porky? This innocent messenger's life depends on what kind of news you dragged me out here for."

Porky coughed. "Hey, you told me to pull my weight and find the Smash Bros., didn't you?! I did my job like you asked." He lifted his flabby, wrinkly arm and pointed at the monitor.

"This is just the Cornerian skyline. See all the Arwings flying around?"

"Yeah, but look at  _that_  one!" He pointed out one plane in the distance that was much bigger and clunkier. The massive Meta Knight mask covering the bow of the ship immediately clued Cia into the identity of the owner.

"…Oh, well, this  _is_  interesting. Random messenger, you get to live another day."

"A blessing from the great goddess Lady Cia!" The Primid saluted again, as did a nearby Sword Primid. Somehow, they  _both_  lost their heads as a result of the latter, even though they were two meters apart.

"Well, that death isn't on me, so nobody say I didn't hold up my end of the bargain! …Get your tired old body ready, Porky, you've got a field assignment coming up. We've got some Smash Bros. that need to be smashed."

"But I just completed  _this_  assignment!" Porky whined.

"Yes. That's how jobs work. You complete one task and move onto the next."

"You didn't even thank me, either… After I spent days tirelessly sitting around watching our spy feeds!" Porky launched into a coughing fit, and his dentures fell out, clattering to the floor. "Mmmp!"

Cia took a step back. "That is disgusting!"

"Mmm mm mot a mmg mll." Porky snapped his fingers, and a low-level Pigmask picked up the false teeth and inserted them back into Porky's mouth.

"See? Not a big deal. Aha ha ha." Porky coughed, and clacked his teeth a few times.

"That's even more disgusting. My god, man, imagine how many filthy minion feet stepped on that floor tile! You're not even going to rinse them off at least?"

"…You know what? No, I won't. What do you think of  _that_ , Cia?" Porky grinned in defiance, dust and grime visible within.

"Suit yourself, but our dental plan doesn't cover mouth fungi."

The Pigmask captain who was wasting computer resources swiveled around in his chair. "It doesn't?! Oh, shit!" He threw his plate of wild rice and mushrooms into the waste bin and ran into the bathroom.

"Idiot. You can't get a fungal infection from eating cooked…" Cia trailed off, eyeing the digital card game just a few moves away from completion. She strummed her fingers along the unattended console with a smirk, then jabbed the power button with her foot. "Oops."

Porky coughed nervously. "Wow, you really are an evil overlord, ain'tcha?"

"And proud!"

As Cia left the room, the Pigmask captain returned from washing out his mouth, and noticed the blackened screen at his work station. Beneath his cyan mask, his face fell. He remained there in his chair for hours, staring off unfocusedly, even as others clocked out for the night.

_Hello, darkness, my old friend…  
I've come to talk with you again…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Arrested Development is a good show. I'm glad it's got a fifth season now.


	22. The Sharp Left Turn (Part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Author's Note:** With this chapter, the story is now up-to-date both here and on Fanfiction.net. Super Smash Bros. Ultimate also released a week ago.
> 
> I might make a few cheeky nods to Ultimate here and there, but this fic will stay focused on Smash 4. No Ultimate until the eventual sequel (which I'm actually really looking forward to writing!). Chrom being playable throws a bit of a wrench in my plans for him, but that's fine. I can adapt the story around that.
> 
> I've been waiting to write this chapter for a LONG time, but it got pretty long so I'm splitting it in two. Things take a sharp left turn in a chapter I like to call… The Sharp Left Turn.
> 
> Published 12/14/18

-  _Unknown Realm_ –

"So our mission, to be clear, is to intercept the Battleship Halberd and destroy or capture every member of the Smash Bros. who may be on the vessel. Eliminate anyone else who stands in your way with impunity; no witnesses. And, if possible, salvage the Halberd itself. It could be a useful asset for us in the future." Dark Meta Knight paced upon the podium in the assembly hall, lecturing an amassed crowd of Primids and Pigmasks. "We shall be making this journey aboard the Mother Porkship, provided courteously by your superior, Master Porky Minch. He, too, shall oversee this crucial mission alongside myself. …I, uh, guess I'll give the stand over to him, now."

Dark Meta Knight stepped down. A group of four Primids grabbed the corners of Porky's chair, and hoisted him over to the stand, straining and trembling the entire way. They plopped him down, but the last one to let go wound up with his hands pinned down under the chair's leg.

Porky ignored the squirming minion, and coughed into the microphone for a solid minute. Once he finally got control of himself, spent another minute eating cheese-dusted pork rinds from a bag. Finally, he spoke into the microphone with an unnatural rasp. "This mission will be fraught with danger! Tons of you are totally gonna die! Ahaha."

The audience was silent, aside from one Metal Primid who clapped with noisy enthusiasm.

"And now, to boost morale, here's the Natural Killer Cyborg, with a beautiful rendition of  _My Girl_  by The Temptations."

The rest of the audience joined the Metal Primid in cheering, as Porky was hoisted away. The Primid whose hand was pinned under his chair was briefly freed, but the Natural Killer Cyborg stomped up onto the stage and planted one of its cloven hooves down atop the Primid's hand before it could move.

As the twisted abomination enraptured the crowd with its dulcet tones, Dark Meta Knight chose to exit the stage as well, convening with Cia. "We're bringing about two hundred soldiers. With myself and Porky overseeing things, victory is all but assured."

"Why do we only have Primids and Pigmasks? What happened to everyone else?"

"Well, the Shroobs not assigned to bio-weapon development are busy subjugating Gerudo Valley. The Space Pirates left when Ridley left, and Doctors Wily and Eggman have been working on more important projects than mass-producing footsoldiers."

Cia thought for a while. "I suppose variety is an acceptable sacrifice for efficiency… I feel you should bring some more firepower with you, just in case. Someone… expendable."

Meta Knight gestured to Porky, who was busy licking cheese dust off of his fingers.

"No, no, someone who can take down the whole Halberd as a last resort. I'd prefer to capture it whole if we can, but…"

"Well, maybe if we dropped Porky on it from high enough?"

The obese man-child himself coughed. "Somebody said something about me?"

"Yes, but you don't get to know what it was because you weren't paying attention," Cia answered.

The ground trembled as Metal Face lumbered into the room. "Oi! Why don't ya give me a shot, huh? I'm going stir-crazy in this ramshackle place!"

"No, no, we need to save  _you_  for a special occasion. Two other commanders are already helming this one."

Metal Face glowered. "I swear, it's only a matter of time before I go and take matters into my own claws,  _Cia_."

"You're dismissed. Don't do anything insubordinate,  _Metal Face_."

Dark Meta Knight considered the mechanical monstrosity as he stormed out. "You know, he might have been a good choice with all those tune-ups Wily and Eggman gave him."

"Wily and Eggman! Of course! …I know  _exactly_  whom you and Porky are bringing with you."

* * *

-  _Corneria_  –

Corneria, fourth planet of the Lylat system. The evil Andross turned this once thriving system into a wasteland of near extinction.

General Pepper of the Cornerian army was successful in exiling this maniacal scientist to the barren, deserted planet Venom.

Five years later, General Pepper noticed strange activity coming from Venom. James McCloud, Pigma Dengar, and Peppy Hare of the Star Fox team were sent to investiga- Okay, that's enough of that irrelevant stuff. The only thing that matters right now is that Meta Knight and his Halberd had successfully made it to Corneria, and after stopping for fuel, bathroom breaks, and other necessary pit stops, were now flying over Corneria's waters to reach a large portal that would take them back to Meta Knight's own homeworld.

Out in the middle of nowhere, with nothing but blue waters as far as the eye could see, the ship should have been unassailable. There were no ladders to climb up to it, no ledges to jump down from, and no way to catch up to the Halberd without a vessel of your own. Yet somehow, through sheer force of will and determination, someone or something infiltrated it. It dropped down from above, landing gingerly on the deck of the ship. Unnoticed by those on the bridge, the figure started climbing down the port side of the ship, carefully balancing on the metal ridges. It inched its way along, slow but filled with an unquenchable thirst to see its mission carried out.

* * *

Of the thirteen Smash Bros. on board, three were currently relaxing down below deck, in a small storeroom; the ship might have been spectacular to look at from the outside, but its interior was about as boring and repetitive as you'd expect from a battleship. Robin sat on a barrel, reading a book, while Ness and Toon Link sat on the floor playing with a deck of cards.

"Twelve."

"Hit me."

Toon Link raised his hand up, but Ness spoke again. "If you slap me again, I will shove my yo-yo up your asshole and pull it out your mouth. It wasn't funny the first seventeen times."

"But you asked me to hit you!" Toon Link coyly replied.

"Just deal the damn card."

"Okay, okay. …Seventeen. Hey, how about that! We were just talking about that number."

"Hit me."

"You sure?"

"Hit me, damnit."

* * *

The figure outside the Halberd stopped moving and ran a palm along the hull. It found what it was looking for; a weak spot. Its hand pulled back, and punched forward. The metal slightly dented on impact.

* * *

"…Twenty-one. Wow, how'd you know it was gonna be a four?"

"Using my vast psychic powers, I can peer into the heart of the cards!"

"…You're bullshitting me."

"Of course I'm bullshitting you, I just got lucky. Now hand over the money, Link."

Toon Link grumbled, but obliged. "This is why I prefer poker, it's less luck-based."

Robin looked up from his book and raised an eyebrow. "Aren't you kids?"

"Uhh, yeah?" Toon Link answered.

"What's with the strong language and gambling?"

Ness jammed a pile of Rupees and other accumulated currency into his wallet. "…What, were you the dorky straight-edge kid growing up? We swear more than adults and are always scamming each other out of allowance and shit."

"I don't actually have memories of my childhood, so… I guess my only other point of reference is Ricken. I wonder what he's up to, anyway? Knowing him he's probably gotten swallowed up into some crap."

* * *

The being punched again. This time, the metal crumpled slightly under its fist, producing a loud  _clang_.

* * *

"…You guys hear that?" Toon Link asked, scratching his head.

"I'm sure it was nothing. Probably just a bird crashing into us or something. Poor little thing probably exploded into feathers," Ness answered.

* * *

Another punch. This one was a lot stronger.

* * *

The wall in the storeroom pushed inward noisily, a fist-shaped indentation now visible from within.

"Whoa, look at that!" Ness pointed. "Somebody's fisting the ship! Heh."

Robin closed his book and put it away. "I've got a really bad feeling about this…"

* * *

One more punch would compromise it. The figure put all its power into one final attack.

* * *

Robin, Toon Link, and Ness were all surprised when a human fist pushed clean through the wall, splitting apart the Halberd's hull. The room's pressurized air began to noisily rush out through the tears in the metal.

"What is this?" Robin asked, pulling back his hood when the wind pulled it over his head.

Both of the interloper's hands reached in through the hole, grasping the edges and pushing them apart. The wall split open, magnifying the air loss and revealing the figure's identity.

"OH GODS NO!" Robin yelped.

"Oh, it's eyebrows! Hi, eyebrows!" Toon Link waved.

"Who the hell are you?" Ness asked, straddling a pipe to stay put.

"My name is Ryu. Do not concern yourself with me, child. I am only here to deliver my vengeance upon this one." Ryu pointed at Robin, and slowly began to shuffle forward into the ship, struggling against the strong winds.

"I thought we got away from you! How the hell did you get here?!" Robin backed up to the edge of his barrel, which wobbled precariously.

"I will follow you to the ends of the earth. Until my Shin Shoryuken meets your jaw, I cannot afford to rest."

"Don't dodge the question!"

The ship's intercom crackled to life. "I don't know what you idiots are doing down there, but  _please_ cover up the hole you made. It's depressurizing the middle levels."

"We've got bigger problems than that, Meta Knight!" Robin yelled.

"Yeah, Ryu just got here somehow and-" Toon Link began, but was cut off by Meta Knight.

"And since I'm sure you're talking back to me right now, this is a one-way speaker. So… just fix it."

"Oh, right, that makes sense."

Robin scooted further backwards, and fell off the barrel. It tipped over and rolled toward Ryu, but he gingerly jumped over it and let it tumble out the hole he made. He continued inching his way forward, quite literally an inch at a time. Robin grabbed the edge of a nearby storage crate, and with the help of the air suction yanked it toward Ryu. The hollow box splintered to pieces on impact, only forcing Ryu back about three inches.

"Ness! Toon Link! Please help me shove him back out from whence he came!"

"Okay, but only because you said 'from whence he came'." Toon Link slipped on a pair of metal boots from his bag, becoming braced against the suction, and began to stomp his way over to Ryu. The weight of the boots and the advantage of the wind was enough to let Toon Link slow Ryu just by shoving against his shins, but Ness joined in as well, pushing his back against Toon Link's to add a little more force.

Robin, gripping a metal handlebar for dear life with one hand, fished through his robe and pulled out a green tome. He cast Elwind again and again at Ryu, but even with all three of them combining their might Ryu was only brought to a halt, and the air in the room was rapidly becoming thin; it wouldn't be long before it reached equilibrium with the outside, taking away the directional airflow advantage they held.

"You two children. Do not inhibit my path. I merely must use the Shin Shoryuken on your ally, and then I shall take my leave."

Ness kept pushing, but was finding it hard to motivate himself against such an obstinate foe. "Robin, can't you just take one for the team here?! It's just one… whatever the hell a Shin Shoryuken is!"

"It will, of course, certainly be fatal. In fact, it will likely remove his head clean from his body, if not destroy it outright. But blood is the price to pay for insulting the Tatsumaki Senpukyaku."

"Look, I said I'm sorry! Let it go already!" Robin shouted. Unfortunately, he was the only one to let go of anything. His grip came loose from the handlebar, and he began to inescapably slide toward Ryu. Now that his eternal nemesis was coming toward him, Ryu stopped struggling to move and readied his fist, his muscles audibly tensing throughout his arm.

"Nononononononono…" Robin tried to scamper away, but it was futile; he drew inexorably closer to Ryu by the second.

Meta Knight's voice came on again. "Come on, fix the hole, assclowns! …Wait, you guys didn't get sucked out, did you? Don't answer that, I won't hear you. I was just speculating to myself. Anyway, if you're still there, just plug it up with something, I dunno."

Robin glanced around the room, trying to find anything that could help his situation. His gaze fell downward, looking for any sort of protrusion he could cling to, but the floor itself caught his attention. "I-I think there's a way to fix both problems here. Ryu's strong, but he's not that heavy… These floor tiles are pretty wide and thin. If we could just…"

Ness grunted, shoving as hard as he could against Toon Link. "…I think I know what you're getting at. Link, get ready to roll!" He relented in his push, and began to focus his psychic energy toward the metal floor panel they were standing on. It began to quiver and groan, and the bolts holding it in place came loose. Toon Link loosened his Iron Boots, getting ready to slip them off as Ness began his countdown. "Three, two, one…"

Just as Robin's chin came into range of Ryu's fist, Ness and Toon Link dove off the specific panel Ness had loosened. Ryu went into action. "SHIN… SHORYU-"

Ness upheaved the panel telekinetically, and the freed sheet of metal immediately flipped and flew toward the breach in the hull, flinging its only remaining occupant outside. Ryu tumbled down thousands of feet into the Cornerian ocean below, hopefully to never be seen again. Hopefully. More importantly than Ryu's fate, the panel was wider than the hole, effectively plugging it. Ness and Robin welded it into place with PK Fire and Elfire respectively, just to be safe, then all three survivors collapsed to what was left of the floor.

Robin caught his breath, and swallowed the lump that had been in his throat the past two minutes. "Well… that was the second-most frightening moment of my life. Wait, no… the first, I think."

Ness stood back up, cracking his "That was a good plan with the floor and stuff. You should be, like, an army tactician or something."

"I'm just surprised you caught my meaning from a few incomplete sentences. You're a rather perceptive child. …I'm not sure how you ripped the floor off or cast fire magic without a tome, however."

"Tome? You have to use a book to shoot fire? Haha, nerd. I can just do this with psychic powers 'cause I'm awesome."

Robin sighed, and Toon Link frowned. "Aww, man. Our deck of cards got sucked out."

* * *

-  _Interspace_  –

Interdimensional sinew is a curious thing. The numerous holes opened up between the various realms allow one to travel instantly from one dimension to the next, with no experienced delay. This is only true because the realms united by these holes are, conveniently, in close proximity to each other along the dimensional axis. For more distant realms, like the small one Cia created, travelers must journey along the arterial roads of the Interspace, a psychedelic void between worlds. The exact appearance and topography varied from region to region and second to second, but it connected every world to every other world, and was breathtakingly massive. Indeed, the region once known as Subspace occupied only an infinitesimal crevasse of this non-place.

Amidst the strange patterns, swirling vortexes, and infinite geometries lived even stranger beings. Four-armed, cycloptic beasts known as Outrealm Fiends to the denizens of the Fire Emblem universes. Invasive alien creatures called Ultra Beasts by the humans of the Pokémon world. Winged balls of ravenous glowing energy referred to as Sphere Doomers by those of the Kirby universe who dared to venture beyond the veil of reality. It was this latter variety of vagabond being that were currently splattering en masse against the Mother Porkship's windshield. Some even aimed higher and shredded themselves in the vehicle's oversized propeller.

Dark Meta Knight stood at the ship's helm and calmly activated the wipers, clearing his view of the endless purple expanse. Master Porky Minch was grateful for this cleansing, as he kept his face pressed against the glass (his chair scooched up as far as the Pigmasks could push it) taking in the sights. "Oh, hey! Look at that big blob of matter-antimatter!" he coughed, pointing.

"I see it."

The massive, house-sized crate strapped to the bottom of the Porkship rumbled, and a voice boomed from within. "I cannot see anything through this wooden cage, brotherrrrr."

Dark Meta Knight consoled the mysterious voice. "It's not that exciting, don't worry."

Porky snorted and coughed at the same time, eyeing a portal someone had conveniently labeled with a wooden sign floating in the nearby space. "Hey, it's the Realm of Infinite Pointy Needles! Let's go there first!"

"No."

"Okay... Make a left! That's the Corn Maze Dimension!"

"No!"

"Well, can we swing through the Everybody is Made of Deodorant Gel Dimension? That sounds funny."

"No! I swear, Porky, I will turn this ship right around if you do not keep your attention deficiency in check!"

"I'm hungry. Can we at  _least_  get some food?"

"We are NOT stopping for food!" Dark Meta Knight's eyes glowed with fury.

"Oh, come on, you just passed the Void of Sandwich without even swinging through. Hey, how about Big Ed's Barbecue Dimension? The sign says they've got fifteen thousand different side dishes! You know you want to try it…!"

"NO!" Dark Meta Knight yelled, but his stomach betrayed him and growled. "…Okay, fine, we can stop there. But on the way home!" He raised his voice at the end, to maintain the hostility of his earlier statements.

Porky cheered like the little kid he was on the inside, while creaking and wheezing like the geezer he was on the outside.

"Coming up on our exit now, Dark Meta Knight, sir! It's on the right!" A Primid announced, holding a road map.

"It's on the left, you're holding it upside down," A second Primid corrected.

"Well, which is it?" Dark Meta Knight glowered.

"Oh, my bad!" The first Primid twisted its neck down a full 180 degrees. "Yep, you're right, make a left. Right?"

"Right, all that's left is to make a left right up ahead."

"If you make a right you'd be left down in the World of Endless Summer Fun. Sounds downright boring."

"…Let's go there instead," Porky coughed.

Dark Meta Knight didn't have the energy to yell. "I already promised you barbecue. Don't start up again."

"No, I mean it. Not as a pit stop, but as a destination. That sounds a lot more fun than going to some sucky space-furry world to beat up Smash Bros."

"We're not here to have  _fun_."

"Why not?" Porky's tone was oddly wistful. "I mean, sure, I'd like to see Ness and Lucas bow before me, but… we have second chances here, don't we? To do whatever we want?"

Dark Meta Knight remained silent, so Porky continued. "I guess both are good choices. You've got the wheel, so you decide. Left or right… I don't care which, ahaha."

Without sparing even a second to consider the choice, Dark Meta Knight took a sharp left turn, causing many of the ship's occupants to fall over. Porky remained firmly pressed against the glass like a suction-cup car window decoration. The crate down below the ship swung violently with the whiplash, its support chains creaking.

One hyperspace tunnel later the Mother Porkship found itself in the clear skies of Corneria, just barely over some hilltops a few miles north of the capital city.

"You're wavering, Porky. Just like Ridley."

Porky coughed. "No, no, no problem here. Let's crush them!"

"Hmm. If you say so. You there, officer, activate the stealth function. No sense flying this rust bucket brazenly through a world known for its fighter planes. Radar operators. Find the Halberd."

The bulky Porkship and its dangling package disappeared from sight. A Pigmask at the radar station adjusted some dials and pressed some buttons seemingly at random, and several blinking lights appeared on his green-and-black monitor. "Uhh, lots of interference from the local Arwings or hovercars, what have you. But… that dot over there is larger, higher, and if my coordinates are correct is headed toward an existing rift. Common sense says that's our target."

"Are you certain?"

"Oh, is this a quiz show? Can I phone a friend?"

Dark Meta Knight paused for a moment. "Insubordinate and supremely arrogant, hmm? Porky, keep your animals on tighter leashes."

Porky coughed, and addressed his subordinate. "I like your boldness and funny remarks, Sergeant Milfred! I'm promoting you to lieutenant!"

"Haha! Suck it, Dick Meta Knight!"

"You dare-"

"Wait, forget lieutenant! You're a captain now!" Porky coughed, wheezed, laughed, and farted at the same time.

Dark Meta Knight grumbled, turning the ship in the appropriate direction as per the newly-promoted captain's information.

* * *

"Okay, those idiots down below deck must have plugged the hole like I said. Shouldn't have let them hang out in the explosives stockpile. Somebody want to go down and check to make sure they're all still alive?"

"YES!" Captain Falcon saluted Meta Knight and sprinted down the hall.

Meta Knight cheerily whistled as he steered the Halberd toward its destination: a hole to Dreamland itself. "So, Lucina, Pac-Man. This will be your first time in my home world, won't it? It's pretty rad."

"The fact that you can only call it 'rad' doesn't make it sound that good," Marth chided.

"You've been there. You do better, if my description wasn't posh enough for you."

"A nation unable to hold a candle to the radiance of Archanea."

"At least our king, greedy and self-imposed though he may be, doesn't imprison his subjects for copying his hairstyle. You know, if he had hair."

"It's my patented style! The law clearly says no infringing on my fringe!"

"It's a generic cut! You can't patent that!"

Lucina and Pac-Man watched the two banter back and forth. The latter spoke. "So… the blue-haired man is your ancestor, right?"

"Yes. He's the legendary Hero-King Marth."

"And the white-haired dude down below is… your grandfather?"

"Uh, no, he's-"

She was cut off by Meta Knight raising his voice. "Well, then  _I'm_  just gonna copyright the act of  _breathing_! So if you breathe, Marth, you're violating my authority as captain of this ship and I get to throw you in the brig!"

Marth held his breath. Meta Knight waited for him to admit defeat, but Marth neither spoke nor took in air.

"Oh, come on. Is that really the hill you're going to literally die on?"

Marth pouted and crossed his arms, his face turning as blue as his hair.

"For land's sakes, Marth, I was just making a rhetorical point. Breathe or Lucina retroactively dies."

"Actually, it doesn't work that way, insofar as I can tell," Lucina corrected. "But please breathe anyway."

The Halberd's communication channel suddenly opened and a loud voice resonated through the bridge. "Do a barrel roll!"

Marth gasped for air out of surprise, and silently cursed himself. Lucina jumped in surprise as well. "Who said that?"

Meta Knight sighed deeply. "Doc, could you…?"

"Okey-dokey." Dr. Mario, who was reclining with his feet up on the communications array, shifted his foot over to hold down the appropriate button. "Halberd medical crew speaking. You waive it, we stitch it. How can I help you today?"

"Everything's A-OK!" Peppy declared, his Arwing flying on the right side of the Halberd. "I've got the right!"

"Don't worry, Slippy's here!" Slippy's unmistakable voice followed, his Arwing escorting the Halberd from the left.

"Ask them why they're flying in formation with us," Meta Knight instructed.

Dr. Mario held the button again. "What's up, you two?"

"You got an enemy on your tail!" Peppy declared.

Meta Knight blinked. "That's not possible…"

* * *

Down below deck, Captain Falcon sprinted through the hall to his destination, skidding through the door to a weapons storeroom. Robin, Ness, and Toon Link looked up at him, exhausted.

Captain Falcon grinned and shot them a thumbs-up. "There you are! Had to check twenty different storerooms before I found this one!" He noticed the dislodged floor tile welded over the wall. "Nice, nice, I like the creativity here! Rule number three of the Falcon guide to life; never overlook a solution just because it's right under your feet! Er, may I ask what necessitated this awesome wall repair?"

Toon Link lazily waved. "Hi, Cap. We had to shove Ryu out the airlock."

"Understandable, have a great day!" Captain Falcon saluted, sprinting back out to deliver the news to Meta Knight.

* * *

"Seriously, where is that voice coming from?" Lucina asked as Peppy continued to babble across the communication line.

Meta Knight politely began to answer her. "It's a form of technology that transmits audio between-"

"Here comes a big one!" Slippy announced, interrupting.

"Incoming enemy from the rear! Drop altitude!" Peppy amended.

"Okay, okay, jeez!" Meta Knight adjusted altitude accordingly. "What do you mean there's an enemy? Who would want to attack us?" Meta Knight looked out the deck window as a shadow encroached over his battleship. "Uh… Anybody have visual?"

"Ah, yes, I do see it now," Olimar spoke from his station. "It appears to be a large aerial vessel, dirigible-like in shape and gray in color. There's a massive crate hanging from its underside."

"Why did we not see this until they were right above us?!" Meta Knight furiously shouted.

"Alas, your battleship's sensors do not appear to be on par with modern stealth technology. The vessel appears to have only just uncloaked itself."

A sudden tremor rocked the ship; a shot of some kind, fired down at the Halberd's rear jets from the intruding force above. The Halberd wavered left and right, and Meta Knight gripped the help as tightly as he could to keep everything on track. "What the hell is going on?!"

The Halberd righted itself, but some of the ship's rear jets sputtered and petered out, suddenly nonfunctional. The battleship stayed aloft but slowed down tremendously as the remaining turbines struggled to pick up the slack, the entire vessel effectively pinned down by the other ship.

* * *

Down below deck, Captain Falcon tripped from the sudden uneasy footing. "Oof! Not cool!" One of the myriad storeroom doors swung open from the turbulence, bonking against his helmet. "Less cool! Rule number four, never leave a door open if nobody is going in or out of its adjoining room!"

Meta Knight's voice rang out over the PA. "Emergency situation! Engage battle plan Phi! …Shit, I've only run defense drills with my usual crew, not you losers… Uh, everybody… brace yourselves for a lot of bad stuff, and be ready for future instruction. We're under attack."

Captain Falcon hopped back up onto his feet. "Oh no! I've gotta defend this entire battleship from a hostile force! Can't waste time closing doors!" He eyed the ajar object. "Still… rule four…" He walked over to close it, but couldn't resist peeking inside. Inside, at all the  _items_  Meta Knight was apparently ferrying.

* * *

A loud, grating rendition of Porky Minch's personal theme song began to blare from above, audible throughout the entire Halberd. The only thing more annoying than the song was the voice of its inspiring figure joining the cacophony, his hoggish voice descending down from the speakers. "Ahaha! Look at your dumb ship! Is that supposed to be your mask on the front of it? Anyway,  _that_  was a special device designed to cripple your engines! It's stuck on real good, so you're not escaping!"

Down in the storeroom, Ness scowled at the familiar irritation. "Porky Minch. Lucas said he was gone for good, but I guess he's been up to something after all this time."

"Remind me who that is," Robin picked himself up off the floor, leaning against a crate for support.

"My old neighbor. And by old, I mean he's  _really_  old now. Like, a bajillion years old. Apparently he terrorized another time period after I screwed up his plans in mine," Ness explained. "Before you and Toon Link joined us, we trashed one of his bases. I was wondering if they were just remnants of his dumb fan club, but it looks like the gigantic asshole himself is still leading it."

"Now, now, don't make fun of his weight," Toon Link admonished solemnly, but then broke into a grin. "After all, you're only two trash-can hamburgers away from fat yourself!" Ness immediately pounced on Toon Link, punching the crap out of the kid while he simply laughed.

Robin shouted. "Guys. Guys! Knock it off!"

* * *

Up above, Meta Knight could only watch with disdain as Primids began to spill down from above onto the Halberd's deck, accompanied by Pigmask soldiers who wisely dropped down on cables instead of freefalling. A few Pigmask-branded flying drones emerged as well, chasing around Slippy and Peppy's Arwings as they tried to pick off descending soldiers; the Mother Porkship itself proved too well-armored for their shots to have any worthwhile effect, and the giant wooden crate would land directly on the Halberd if disturbed.

Porky's voice continued to grate. "So now we're coming down to fetch all you guys for extermination. Come on outside if you wanna fight us fair and square… or just wait in the ship for us to find and kill you! Super Smash Bros., or Super Hide and Seek! It's your choice! Ahaha… Major Milfred! Crank up the volume!" Almost instantly, Porky's theme song reached earsplitting levels.

Meta Knight did his best to tune it out. "Okay, we need a strategy here."

"Perhaps I should retrieve Robin from below," Lucina noted.

"No time for that. I'll think of something myself…"

Dr. Mario pressed the communication button again. "You two, would you mind shooting out the speakers or something?"

"Let me handle it," Slippy assured him, then immediately recanted that. "Whoa! Help me!"

"Slippy, watch out! Bogey on your tail!" Peppy declared.

Meta Knight turned to the good doctor. "Forget about the speakers. Just ask them to keep the skies clear. Now then…" He looked around the bridge, noting the present fighters. "Olimar, think you can go and get the rear engines back up and running?"

"Hmm?" He looked up from his notes. "Ah, certainly. Your engines are triskele-seven model hyperjet thrusters, yes?"

"I… yes? Take Luigi and Marth with you, for… moral support or something."

"Excellent. I'll be off, then." Olimar whistled, and a squadron of twenty Yellow Pikmin began gathering around him from all over the room. He marched his army outward as Luigi cautiously tiptoed around the small creatures. Marth remained put.

"Lucina, Pac-Man, think you two could go and take the fight outside? Just bottleneck them when they try to get in the deck entrance. Dr. Mario, Jigglypuff, and I will stay here to pilot the ship."

"Understood," Lucina nodded as she and Pac-Man exited as well. Marth still remained where he was. "How do I know this isn't a trap?"

"Why the hell would it be?"

"For all I know, this little invasion is just a false-flag operation you're pulling. The moment I'm alone with Luigi and Olimar, bam! They hit me with the chloroform, lock me in the brig, and all of a sudden poor old Marth was unable to make it to Smash Bros.!"

"Wario."

"Wah?"

"Eat Marth if he doesn't move his princely ass."

"Wah!"

"I'm going, I'm going!" Marth yelled as he ran out of the room, Wario chasing after him with teeth gnashing.

Meta Knight gripped the helm. "Jigglypuff. Activate… the Combo Cannon."

Jigglypuff grumbled, and began fiddling around with some controls as best he could with his stubby arms.

* * *

The moment Lucina opened the door to get out onto the deck, a rush of wind followed by an aural assault struck her; without the Halberd's walls to insulate against it, Porky's theme was unbearably loud. She covered her ears, wincing in pain, and looked down at Pac-Man. "How is this not unbearable for you?"

"You get used to loud, shrill sounds when you're an arcade icon."

"What?"

"I said, YOU GET USED TO-"

"I can't hear you!"

"The music just stopped."

"What? I still can't hear anything."

Lucina tried to pop her ears, while Pac-Man looked up. The Mother Porkship's speakers had all been destroyed by the Arwings, eliminating the sound. Three Sword Primids noticed the two Smash Bros. standing in the doorway.

"Hey, Lucina, we've got company now."

"Okay, I can hear you now. Everything is always so loud with you people… I fear I may lose the sense entirely before this day is done."

The three enemy troops immediately rushed for the doorway, and met Lucina and Pac-Man in mortal combat. Against a warrior-princess and a survivalist arcade icon, they stood no chance whatsoever.

* * *

Olimar carefully climbed along a maintenance rail on the back of the Halberd; even at a reduced speed, the high winds made it a risky precipice to navigate. His squadron of Pikmin followed behind him, and Luigi, Marth, and Wario behind them. The winds reduced in intensity once they got up behind the bridge, but Luigi and Marth stayed cautious.

Olimar pointed. "Ah, that looks like the cause, no?"

Embedded into one of the Halberd's jets was a long metal spear of sorts, an electric current running through it that was clearly jamming the system and impairing the engine.

"It appears quite stuck. It may take some time for my Pikmin to dislodge it."

Luigi nodded. "O-okay. At least it's pretty safe back here. All the fighting is happening up front."

As if on cue, several of the descending enemies apparently noticed the engine repair squad, and changed trajectory.

Marth scowled, grabbed Luigi by the suspenders, and began shaking him. "Look what you did! You just had to open your mouth and jinx us!"

"B-u-u-u-t I-I-I don't belie-e-e-eve in j-i-i-i-nxes!"

"How can you not?! Look what yours just did!"

A Primid with a rifle took a mid-air shot at the twenty Yellow Pikmin uprooting the spear, and managed to hit three of them. The poor Pikmin perished, their little yellow ghosts dissipating away.

"Oh, man, did you see that shot?! I totally 360 no-scoped them!" The Scope Primid had time to shout at its comrades before crashing painfully against the ship. Olimar, with all seventeen of his remaining Pikmin busy, did the only sensible thing and headbutted the Primid himself. Marth jumped in and cleaved the Primid in half as it staggered, but more were still coming.

Another Scope Primid landed above on the Halberd's rear battery, and took aim. Luigi noticed, and protected the remaining Pikmin the only way he could think of. "Ow. OW! That hurts so- OW -much!" Luigi whined as he repeatedly blocked the laser projectile with his own body. The Primid laughed, clearly okay with this turn of events, and continued to take potshots at Luigi.

Two Pigmasks and a Primid armed with a boomerang landed next, level with our heroes; Marth and Wario rushed forward to meet them. The Pigmask on the left moved to draw his combat knife, but Marth grabbed him from a seemingly impossible distance and threw him off the Halberd.

"Holy  **shit**  that grab raaaaaaaaaaange…!" the falling soldier managed to yell out as he plummeted out of sight.

Wario shoulder-checked the right Pigmask, and before he could take a boomerang to the face Marth jumped in and blocked the Primid-tive projectile from hitting. A Fire Primid attempted to land behind the two of them and catch them by surprise, but Wario smelled it coming and leapt up with jaws agape, swallowing the enemy like a breaching great white shark. Olimar jumped back in, punching the second Pigmask in the gut and letting him tumble over the side to join his fallen friend. In the back, Luigi continued to protect the Pikmin with his own body, accumulating wounds and losing some moustache hair to a grazing shot. "Ow! OW! Knock it off!"

The Boom Primid drew another boomerang to toss, but Wario jumped right up and shoved his butt in its face. He unleashed a fiery fart fueled by the previously-consumed Primid, and when the smoke cleared only a pair of scorched Primid feet remained where the Boom Primid once stood. This also caused the Scope Primid up above to lose his footing and land in front of Wario. With surprising reflexes, it stuck its gun right against Wario's nose and moved to pull the trigger. Marth noticed and ran to defend his ally, but was too slow; Luigi got there first, letting loose an uncharacteristic howl of rage as he grabbed his tormentor and tossed him backwards against the electric spear. The device sparked and sputtered, and fried the Scope Primid to a crisp.

With all the enemies defeated, Marth dusted his hands off. "Not bad, if I say so myse- Luigi, I think that Primid is dead."

Luigi ignored him, picking up the Scope Primid's charred body by the neck. "No, it still breathes," he explained, and tossed the enemy into a turbine. A noisy shredding sound and a thin stream of purple goop was vended in exchange. "But not anymore."

Olimar blinked, and took out a notepad. "What a fascinating specimen."

* * *

Lucina and Pac-Man, having easily cleared out their foes, took further steps out onto the deck. Now that the Halberd's weapons were online- including the famous Combo Cannon -the enemy horde was thinning out. Slippy's Arwing had taken a nasty hit from a pursuing drone and was forced to fall back, but Peppy remained, swerving and dodging around the enemy and Halberd fire to pick off targets. The Combo Cannon fired a massive cannonball upward, which exploded against a descending clump of two Primids and a Pigmask.

"It looks like we're going to win this battle," Lucina commented, looking up at the invading force. "I guess we weren't even needed out here."

Porky's voice crackled from above. "Are the backup speakers working? I knew it was a good idea to install those… I also knew it  _would have_  been a good idea to use the jammer on their cannon, not their engines,  _Colonel_ Milfred. You're demoted to Lieutenant Colonel. Anyway…" Porky cleared his throat with a phlegmy cough. "Dang, you Smash Bros. people really know how to fight, huh? That's okay, though, we've got plenty of dudes to throw at you. Including a secret weapon! Milfred! Deploy 'it' now and I'll re-promote you!" The chain holding up the massive wooden crate immediately detached, sending its cargo down toward the Halberd deck. "Good job, colonel."

"Move!" Pac-Man tackled Lucina out of the way as the box crashed down, saving her from a crushing defeat. The impact rocked the vessel tremendously, nearly tossing the outdoor passengers off entirely. Lucina laid prone on the deck while Pac-Man was knocked down on his rear.

* * *

Up in the bridge, Meta Knight was bucked out of his chair by the collision. "Whoa!" He and Jigglypuff impacted the windshield painfully, but used their new position to gaze down at the ominous crate.

"Doctor, thoughts."

Dr. Mario checked a camera feed. "It's a box."

"I see that. What do we do about it?"

Jigglypuff answered. "Shoot it."

"Nope, can't do that. Combo Cannon's controls got knocked out by that hit."

"Damn. We'd better do something about that," Meta Knight peeled himself off the glass, and activated the PA system once more.

* * *

Down below deck, in one of the Halberd's corridors, Robin, Toon Link, and Ness were upheaved from the floor. As they came back to their senses, Robin rubbed his head. "That's the second time. We need to hurry up."

Meta Knight's voice came over. "Robin, Toon Link, Ness, Captain Falcon. Wherever you are, stop. I have a very special mission for you. Go to the third room on your right on level five. Everything will make sense there."

* * *

Captain Falcon waddled down a different hallway, carrying a heavy Party Ball. He, too, was once again toppled by the turbulence. The Party Ball fell from his hands and struck the floor. An ill-timed fanfare played from it, celebrating a party that didn't exist as it opened up and spilled its contents all over the floor. Captain Falcon slapped his own face. "Oh no!"

He quickly scooped up what he could- a Super Leaf, Special Flag, Home-Run Bat, Unira, and Assist Trophy, and cautiously resumed his journey to the surface.

* * *

Out on the deck, the dust settled, and Lucina and Pac-Man gazed up at the new structure. A soft voice spoke from within. "Are you ready…?"

Pac-Man tilted his head. "Ready… for what?"

"For TUESDAY NIGHT SU-UPER SLA-AM!" The box erupted open, its falling side crushing Lucina and knocking Pac-Man all the way back against the defunct cannon. Four searchlights on the Mother Porkship's underside turned on, converging on the newcomer as the few remaining foot soldiers applauded and whistled.

The gigantic, top-heavy purple and silver robot flexed his mechanical muscles as the spotlights shone on him. He pointed up at the bridge. "OH YEAAAAH! IT'S  _ME_ , META KNIGHT!"

"Aw, sonofabitch!" Meta Knight yelled from the bridge.

"GALLEOM IS HERE TO BUST SOME HEADS AND DEFEND HIS BELT! Who's man enough to step into the ring with me?!" He gestured up at the Mother Porkship. "Where's my entrance theme, brotherrrrrr?!"

"Oh, right, sorry," Porky coughed. "General Milfred, deploy Boss Battle Song 1!"

Music blared once more from the backup speakers as Galleom roared with fervor and struck a myriad of poses. Each was met with a roar of applause. The fallen side of the wooden crate splintered apart as Lucina kicked her way up through it. "Ow…" She noticed the gigantic mechanical monstrosity. "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING?!"

Meta Knight's voice joined in. "Uh, yeah, can you deal with that guy, Lucina? Everybody else is busy."

Lucina gazed up at the bridge with exasperation on her face. "Seriously!? How am I supposed to-"

Galleom noticed his reluctant opponent. "If you're too much of a chickenshit piece of crap to stand up to the  _king_ of Nintendo Federation Wrestling, then get outta my ring, get offa this ship, go back home to your mama, brotherrrr!" The audience cheered again. "That's right, lemme tell you something, uh…"

Lucina took a deep breath and steeled herself, turning back to look up at Galleom directly in the eyes. "Lucina."

"Lucina! Lemme tell you, in this ring there are no comebacks, no miracles, no nothing! Just me, Galleom Version 2.0! The Subspace Suplexer! The Fucktruck! The UN-DIS-PUT-ED CHAMPION… OF ALL TIME, OHH YEAH!"

"Oh, gods, what is happening right now?"

"So what's it gonna be, Lucina? Get in the ring with me and get ground into a fine blue powder, or sit at home sucking your thumb, knowing you gave up your one and only shot at this belt!?"

"…Fine, I'll fight you. I don't understand half of what you're saying, but I'm not about to back down."

The Pigmasks and Primids erupted into their biggest cheer yet. Even Porky voiced his approval from on high. Galleom banged his fists together noisily, and jumped toward Lucina to begin the match.

Lucina drew her sword and began to consider just how she was going to do this.  _"Well, I guess this is how I die. It was a good run while it lasted."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Voice of Galleom generously provided courtesy of the late great Macho Man Randy Savage.


End file.
